Friday, June 30, 2006

Just got back from my mom's graduation. She seemed to have a lot of fun. It started with a lot of lame attempts at humor which were nonetheless more successful than similar ones I've experienced in corporate environments, guess scientists are mostly smarter than business people, go figure. They did go on for far too long. Moved on to free drinks & dancing to hits of the eighties (Come On Eileen, Walking On Sunshine, etc.) through badly overdriven speakers, once the music started ranging more widely in time (Dancing Queen, Mambo No. 5) people started dancing less. Danwen, our charming dinner companion of last weekend, drank a bunch of Smirnoff fruity malt liquor beverages while under the impression they were soda and was saying things like "I feel dizzy, I feel dizzy" and taking a lot of snapshots with her digital camera. I really like her even if she did make me dance & drink wine & c.

Am a wreck waiting to be towed away and crushed in a big crushing thing. Next you see me I will be cubical.
Overheard in town:

He: ...that guy, that skinny little guy with a beret, that was Stevie Ray Fucking Vaughn... before he was famous!
She: Oh, oh, oh!

The oh, oh, oh bit was better in person, percussive, shifting up in pitch. Also continued my comparative analysis of choice in clothing/automobiles, skinny chicks with baseball caps & pony tails driving Jeeps=5, almost ready to propose "People who drive Audis look like total assholes" as a natural law. Picked up some maple sugar candy for my mom to celebrate her 'graduation.' Ran into Steve the poet at bookstore, he disapproves of Laundry Room Squelchers shoving people, I think he & a lot of other people need to lighten up, hopefully it was just because they hurt Jess's finger & not some general opposition to rambunctiousness/horseplay on the part of the youth, there's enough prim middle aged ladies already.

My dad came down earlier to get his awning checked out, would take too long to get a replacement here, but guys at rv shop managed to get it to retract fully, he's going to get it replaced once back home, sounds like insurance may cover it. Went to lunch with him at Look Restaurant afterwards, enjoyed our burgers, I enjoyed my Al's Cola, looking forward to Harmony Springs at cookout tomorrow. Drink local, drink often!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

So picked up a bunch of tasty items (quiche, avocado/tomato salad, tapanade, etc., etc.) for picnic with my dad at his rv camp, picked up my mom, drove over there, turned out he had managed to destroy the awning of his rv by leaving it up in a storm that came on while he was taking a nap Sunday evening, has apparently been sitting in the rain all week, find it really hard to understand why he didn't drive it down to town to get it looked at on, say, Monday. Think he was worried about getting it level again if he moved it, did manage to convince him to come & look into getting it fixed tomorrow instead of Saturday. Should be an exciting time. Laundering some of his towels now. Dogs had a good time & a good part of our picnic. Peretz still seems a little off from his vet experience, he was very relieved about the heartworm test coming back negative, had been worried about the possible consequences of some fun times he had with some Caribbean puppies during a trip to NYC last fall.

Almost unbelievably tired, just a little more working for the weekend...
So P's heartworm test came back negative, one less thing to worry about anyway. Just got back from running ethernet cable to a computer at a business in town, should've been simple, was, as usual, total chaos. Mugginess outside making me feel very unpleasant, going to go find some people to be unpleasant to.
An example of descriptive writing which I have for a long time found both very problematic and very fascinating can be read here, esp. the paragraph beginning "The charts of the world..."

Also of interest in this regard is Artaud's treatment of natural signs in the landscape in "Voyage to the Land of the Tarahumara", but that's still under copyright, find a copy & check it out.
Peretz's campaign of terror against future trips to the vet continues with another pee stain in my room. Forgot to call to get the results of his heartworm test in all the rushing around yesterday, hope that's OK, assuming they would have called me if not.

More legitimately technical work on the horizon for today, it's quite a relief. Also it involves an afternoon drive to Greenfield which should be a blast, somebody was telling me about a good French bakery there, should look into that.

Was reading some really accomplished descriptive prose yesterday and it got me thinking about my strange hostility to that sort of thing, writing it, reading it, should work on that maybe. Really enjoy walking around having perceptions, tend to feel as though I'm doing them and myself violence when I try to put them into words. Not that I'm all that opposed to doing myself violence.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Had fun being technical person today, hauling computer equipment around in the rain & installing it, testing ethernet wiring, dsl line in new Amherst office, kind of an interesting installationy environment over there, with concrete blocks every two feet holding down the new carpeting, walking funny around them to each data port, like a funny-walking bee from flower to flower. My feet are very wet.

My mom & my picnic with my dad has been delayed a day due to the rescheduling of her class's morale boosting softball game from today to tomorrow due to rain, she's now got a lecture tonight instead. My dad's cell doesn't work out at the rv camp, left a voicemail with the camp owner asking her to inform him of the change in plans, it's making me a little nervous, of course.

Soon, off to pick up another load of vegetables, when will the healthy goodness stop? I'm going to make an effort to smoke extra heavily on the way over to the farm and back, wouldn't want to disappoint my fans.
Listening to Ivor Cutler, brooding about mortality. You can not see me when the sun shines, for I am the color of the sunshine. Not much risk of that at the moment. Only fallout from vet visit so far is pee on my rug, probably due to steroid shot. P is currently eating his breakfast with good appetite, wish I could say the same of me.

Rock show last night was a blast, not sure how Laundry Room Squelchers manage to produce such a consistently overwhelming effect, but it's very nice. Anyway, lots of lovely sounds, made my brain happy, icky feelings from the abuse survivor decorated hearts in the Flywheel gallery, sorry all that bad shit happened to you folks, would a cup of tea help?

Thinking lots about pure terror, a bunch of it going on all around, seems like. So who's going to tell me everything's going to be OK?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

So the vet was bit of an ordeal, with P even more freaked out than usual. He even tried to bite me when the vet tech was trying to get a blood sample (they're testing him for heartworm as mosquitos were apparently alive & biting well into November last year). Very difficult to watch him shaking, trying to hide behind my legs, flipping out at every sound that might be an approaching vet. Will hear about the heartworm test tomorrow, apart from that he appears to be the picture of health. Massive traffic jam coming home, people turn into such assholes when they're driving, or maybe it's the only situation where I regularly meet that kind of people. Got home very agitated, made a nice salad.
Actually doing fun stuff at work for once (set up a FreeBSD traffic shaping network bridge this morning) and feel really pretty good considering how little sleep I got & how crappy I felt yesterday, even not considering all that, actually, pervaded by a happy, buzzy feeling. That's especially good as there's all kinds of stuff to do later, Peretz to vet for his annual checkup/shots, do something with remaining farm share vegetables, rock show. P's got to be given steroids with his Lyme vax due to history of nasty inflammation, hope they don't make him too groggy.

Looking forward to seeing our vet, actually, he's kind of freaky, in an enjoyable way.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Feel surprisingly awful, lightheaded, joints hurt, foggy attentional field, allergies maybe? On top of that, feeling like a little lost lamb, bereft, cursing my mindless shepherd in language that would make a sailor blush, internally, soft & wooly on the outside, like always.

Thinking about the time I got in trouble for explaining the symbolism in a couple of Blake poems to some kids at a school where I was volunteering, so fucking ridiculous, still makes me angry to think about it, what was that, sixteen years ago? Dost though know who made thee? Anyway, check it out & clear your head of nonsense for a bit.
Ah, dread, my constant friend, I'm all atwitter. Just fed Peretz a heart-shaped premium biscuit, listening to eurodisco, drinking the last dregs of yesterday's coffee, sounds awesome, I know, but something's missing. Nico's singing in my ears now, that's better.

Having lots of trouble organizing the coming work week in my head, will probably go OK once it's underway, but still, my brain is getting old, lack the sense of total presence I'm used to, you may have to come to someone or something else for your existential analytics soon, just a stuttering bad joke machine, maybe a libation of magic fairy oil is required?

So hurry up, your time to turn my tendency to mistake transient physiological conditions for universal dilemmas to your advantage is strictly limited.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Don't know why most people's lack of both a sense of humor (or what I would consider one anyway) and a capacity for substantive self-criticism continues to surprise me, but it sure does. Looking to buy a ticket to somewhere where this is not the case. Listening to Moon Mullican driving out to RV campground earlier, "Don't stand there with a silly frown, say the word we'll be altar bound, we'll buy a little shack & then we'll settle down," very touching and sound, I think.

Made a nice garlic-heavy soup earlier with some stuff from farm share (kale, turnips, garlic scapes) & some other stuff, gave some to Jess in the hope it would help her hand stitch itself back together, hope it's not too garlicky for her or anything.

Feeling very tired & consequently very sad, idea of work tomorrow is overwhelming, pretty sick of things generally. Was pleased to hear that my mildly English-challenged dinner companion of yesterday took others to the same restaurant today and remains highly enthusiastic about it.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Well that was fun. Despite being overfed, overextended & mildly intoxicated, just managed to get my weekend work chores out of the way, hope I don't come in on Monday & wonder where all the randomly affixed cables came from, don't remember doing anything with cables anyway...

Strongly recommend going to Europa for tapas + wine whenever possible, be sure to bring along somebody who doesn't speak English all that well if you can rustle one up, it's pretty great.

Actually having a lot of fun doing stuff with my parents, but really should be spending more time just not doing stuff, just a for instance, if I don't count each of the eighty-four thousand petals of each of the eighty-four thousand celestial lotus flowers each day they start to fall off and the tourists complain.
Just got back from a brief visit to my father's remote rustic/moderne fantasy/nightmare. He's having a bit of trouble getting his RV level, lady who owns the campground is apparently afraid of dogs, array of permanently installed looking RVs with porches, etc., wondering who lives there & if I should. Was bummed that my ipod ran out of charge on the way back, haven't been listening to enough music amidst the chaos and was really enjoying doing so, caught a string of mediocre indie pop off one of the college stations the rest of the way, finished up as I was getting home with that Raincoats song about how her spirit is dancing, so that was pretty awesome.

Thinking about writing some poems, wishing I had my 4 track, maybe I should buy that one off Susan. Heard a PSA on the college radio, considering adopting a manatee.
My dad decided to move into his RV camp early as the rain is making him want to run his A/C at night which he needs to be plugged in to do, going to go up there with Peretz for dog activities shortly. Later, going to Europa in S. Hadley for tapas with my mom, a woman from her class & possibly Emily & Joel. Also need to put up some music by Italian noise group Maximillian I onto the PMA later. The band is named after the evil robot from 'The Black Hole', making me feel like I should rewatch a bunch of the B movie scifi rushed out in the wake of 'Star Wars' some time soon.

Nearly broke my ankle a few minutes ago slipping on a wet pine cone on my front step, hard to tell if I succeeded in fucking it up in other ways yet, feels a little funny. Still feel wet from my rain experience late last night, need to try to fit in a shower among my activities. Also thinking about joining a monastic order.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Went to see some jazz with my mom, we were the only nonperformers, nonstaff there apart from a few people who came & left very quickly, had an ice cream, walked her back to her dorm, discussed some highly distressing things for a while on the stoop, walked home in the pouring rain, just started to let up as I turned up my driveway, feel born anew, like a great weight has been lifted (not really, rain kind of cleared my head anyway). Having a ginger ale, watching escapist scifi entertainment.

One foot in front of the other. Come on, soldier.

It's raining again.
Enjoying a likely all too brief time alone. There's a humming in my head, harmonious with the hum of the air conditioner. Trying to imagine what sort of rainy day activities can be arranged for my dad & his dogs.

Peretz went for a brief swim in the CT earlier after a lot of letting I dare not wait upon I would, then he moved on to other things, expecting to get poison ivy or some other terror of the bushes off him, imaginary ticks are sucking my lifeblood as we speak.

Managed to launder some shirts, drying pants now, next you see me you will wonder how I got so suave & debonair (the secret is Tide brand laundry detergent (realize as I write that that I'm almost not joking, used to go out with somebody who was really into the smell of Tide, people are fucked up (not you, sweetness))).
Late night out at the noise/folk show with mom, think she kind of dug Feathers anyway, enjoyed telling random people about her class. Feeling a little less than bright eyed as a result, need to slow down a bit, I think, don't see it happening real soon though. T did end up going to her Goa Trance fest after all, good on her, I say.

Just a little more work this week, but after, it's laundry laundry laundry intermixed with serving as a parental entertainment center. All sorts of work on the horizon that're stressing me out, could use a position of irresponsibility if anyone's got one available.

Also need to get on with some evil works, but a little out of practice with the craft, might end up devoured by a cthonic something or other, if so, it's been a pleasure knowing you. It'll probably be OK, though, the stones of that ruin or temple or whatever it is Peretz & I found in the woods don't look too cyclopean and I think I'm making real progress on translating the inscriptions on its door, so I'll probably soon have the correct procedure for opening it.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

My dad's other dog, Pepper, just took a quick time-out from our play session to eviscerate a young robin, such gentle creatures.
My dad's dog Berkeley just kicked me quite hard in the testicles. Esse est percipi, I guess.

Kind of overwhelmed with stuff to do, did rush shopping for funereal scarves, tech service call in Florence, went with dad to buy pastries for diabetics then for hike in woods with him & our dogs, did some web site maintenance, lots more to come. As a basically contemplative person, I am finding it all a little trying. Off to let Peretz play with my dad's dogs some more.
The reason for my buttery fingers of yesterday has become apparent, I seem to have done something to fuck up the area under the nail on my right thumb, still haven't given up hope that a tumor might be somehow involved. Way too much on the to do list for the day, 1st item on the agenda, tell everybody how genuinely fond I am of them, got it? OK.

Seriously, parents + funeral + work + dog care + nightly music events = too fucking much, probably should go get a massage or something, need to work on tolerating strangers touching me first, though. Maybe will get a haircut anyway, assist me in my 5th columnist activities. On that subject, read a really despicable column from some news service editorialist about the immigrant rights movement full of red baiting, a real blast from the past, the funniest part was where the guy wrote that activists were pretending to act in the tradition of MLK while having hidden leftist agendas, are people really that ignorant of King's actual politics?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

That Hawnay Troof kid's enthusiasm is infectious, but only for a little while. Despite highly stressful goings-on, getting out of work early the past couple of days has made me feel much more relaxed than normal, sadly, as is so often the case with me, more relaxed = brooding and gloomy a good bit of the time. Also, if you were wondering, my instep still fucking hurts. Also worried about some strange stuff, most of which I don't think is actually real, doing some highly paranoid readings of others' body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. Not as bad as it probably sounds. Also something is very wrong with my motor skills today, dropped a bunch of stuff, can't type for shit, think it might be some kind of sleep deprivation thing, but it's not a normal one for me, maybe a tumor.
In further rabbit news, there was a fire overnight on Hancock Street, "This morning, firefighters were tending to a rabbit named Smokey in a cage rescued from the building. The rabbit was in good condition. 'He was a little sooty, but he was fine,' said Deputy Fire Chief Dana Cheverette." Also that baby bunny just isn't learning to be appropriately afraid of P, think he's going to get eaten by somebody some time soon.

Spacing out listening to "We are Acid Mothers Afrirampo", suits my physical/mental state very well. My mom's getting a bit exhausted by her class schedule, hope my going to see music tonight means she'll get more sleep. Also, Emily's been doing unspeakable things of which I will not speak. The strawberry icebox pie was very nice though. Wonder what volume of strawberries farm share will offer this week?
Most of you who know me at all well are aware of both my interest in and enjoyment of 'experimental' music & my dislike of music criticism, that said, I'm now going to say some critical things about 'experimental' music. 1st, I don't understand why so much of the experimentation confines itself to replicating results achieved in the 1960s & 1970s, if not earlier, & 2nd, I find it constantly shocking that there is so little interest in experimenting with composition in the plane determined by the emotional & social dimensions so thoroughly exploited by pop music. Alright, enough said & no finger pointing, a word to the wise & all that.

Got a lot of chances to indulge my rescue proclivities last night, rushed Petya to Springfield bus due to unannounced schedule change, rushed Mary home from work after noticing her car being towed away from the paper's lot on returning from the Springfield bus station, rushed home from that to advise T on dealing with social complexities arising from the present conjuncture. If my life could somehow be reduced to helping people move about in physical/social spaces, I'd probably be an image of contentment.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

T's grandma died.
Managed to shave anyway.

Peretz is busily hammering out a missive threatening legal action against the dog he was just playing with on walk, but his computer keeps crashing (too much last night). Apparently, "Despite the obvious differences in size, coat and conformation, the markings and coloration of the party of the second part remain confusingly similar to the trademarked properties of the party of the first part and thereby represent a significant dilution of the 'Peretz' and '' brands." I don't think he wants the dog put down or anything, I imagine it will all end in yet another out of court settlement for an undisclosed sum.

He's also very angry about a bug that was 'molestering' him as we approached home- he's talking about calling in his legbreakers on that one.
Got out of work v. early, went to hang out with my mom on her lunch break, walked around town in the hazy day after, met Tanya & Petya for coffee, etc., etc. Really need to shave, itchiness from that + itchiness from bug bites = too much itchiness.

Some kind of musical event every night from today through Friday, not sure how much of that I can make due to parental visit responsibilities, but look forward to hearing some of it.

Tanya can't decide whether to go to her electronic hippy music fest in southern PA due to the fact that her grandma might die any time now. Obviously this is very stressful for everyone involved, hooray for life.

Still doing pretty well on using up veggies from farm share, made a salad with field greens, caramelized fennel & some other stuff yesterday but didn't really eat any of it myself, at least somebody ate it.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Inept vendors made for weird times at work, therefore there a bit late, rushed to town for a bite after, lovely chat & sushi with Courtney, his hosting provider's halfassed attempt at covering up getting hacked by Turkish led to his new wiki working finally, rushed home in downpour to get to the strong supporters of Israel's house by 8 to provide an odd mix of childishly simple & surprisingly technical computer support interrupted by call from mom to recommend restaurants in town for vegan comrade from class, paid in $$$, ice cream sundae & woolgathering. Stopped by Smith on way home to chat with mom on porch of dorm, vegan returned from getting vegan beer in town, regaled us with insider tales of the bioinformatics technology industry. Got home a few minutes ago, Peretz is pissed.
Peretz's relations with the baby bunny who likes to eat clover along our morning route are becoming less cordial by the day. I think all the late night surfing of,, etc., in addition to filling his computer with some of the most deeply emotionally disturbing malware I have ever seen, is encouraging his violent tendencies. It's time for legislation, perhaps a .dog TLD, won't anyone think of the puppies? (& yes, before you ask, P does use Windows, I've tried to set him up with something else, but it's the only thing with drivers for the special keyboard he needs)

Sunday, June 18, 2006

So I had my fifteen minute drop-in at work after all, just not when I expected to. Eventually, in some magical far away dreamland, the staff will learn that a printer jam is not, in fact, an emergency.

Brought my mom her stuff, she seems to be settling in nicely.

Let's eat gourmet foods and talk frivolously, make cardboard models and tell stories about the creatures that inhabit them while we, uncreated ourselves, get moreso. That is to say, if anybody's buying, I need a drink.
So what was to be a pleasant fifteen minute drop-in at work to connect some cables to a different server turned out to involve three hours of figuring out and fixing a bunch of mucked up Oracle configs. If this week shapes up like I'm now expecting it to, I'll probably have Friday off, anybody want to go to the shore or sing campfire songs or something?

Need to go take my mom stuff she forgot in a little while, hope her thing is being fun, it was stressing her out pretty badly right before I dropped her off. Had a lot of fun eating oversized soft serves melting astonishingly quickly in the newly minted summer heat with her earlier. Before that had kind of disturbing conversation about her feelings of inadequacy, low self image, etc. To repeat, if I haven't said it enough, if you are a woman (well, if you're anyone, actually, but for some reason this only seems to come up with women) & I actually bother to be friendly to you and act interested in what you say, you are really, really smart & should stop thinking you're not right now. If you don't know me, feel free to come by for a diagnostic.

Feel all vibratey and weird, like I've had way too much coffee, but I haven't, not today anyway. Tired of this nervous system, should get a transplant soon.
Rebooting time again, not going to take as long as I thought as several ones I wanted to turn off are presently vendor-occupied. Probably means doing it some time at night during the week, somebody pinch me.

Should call my dad & tell him his Hallmark stock is going up.

Later- lunch with mom, check mom into dorm, do other stuff with mom for a while, take mom back for opening dinner for her class, maybe come back here & help incredibly inconsiderate software vendors with something. It's a pleasure universe.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Sick of being such a fucking cartoon, somebody drop a 10 ton weight on me, quick.

My desire to install myself in an abandoned industrial complex, while childish, shows no signs of abating- really, a regular house with full basement, 1 or 2 outbuildings, maybe a cupola or turret, would be more than adequate- why can't I want normal shit? I keep fully expecting to meet amazing new people despite this hardly ever happening & even when it does they mostly have no use for me & who can blame them? As someone without much use for hope generally, it's remarkable how much I cling to some, probably so I can be reliably disappointed. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?

Weird how it actually seems late, so much changes in a year, it's awful. Don't feel much like myself or anybody else either really, whole lot of nothing, ain't that something?
Was going to go catch some music with my mom, but guess what? Too fucking lazy. We're playing with our respective laptops instead, watching cartoons, hanging with Peretz. If my instep would stop hurting, I'd declare utopia achieved & you could all go home to your loved ones.

The fact is, it does still hurt, so there's work to be done. Sleepy, sticky, itchy bug bites all over, must be summertime. Asparagine has been the topic of the day, forgot I bought some of its namesakes last week & they went all soft & yucky, too much going on, can't keep track of every single thing, I'm only human, OK, only human!

Geez, so demanding.
My idyll:

So take all the bitching with a grain of salt, would you?
So the flatness certainly seems to be gone for good, leaving everyone's favorite philosophical Miffy, newly textured and mosaicized, a lot more sinister & a bit more of a mess, at least in appearance. Media production, expansion of communications networks, introduction and intensification of nondiscursive elements in the information flow, sad this is just a text stream, always wants to be in reference to something... How to align the mirrors so the desires make pretty patterns, will smoke prove necessary after all? Let's introduce interestingly various granularities into the chain of events, have an end to epochs that never even happened & make history sideways, make truth seem an appealing lie. Everybody go listen to 'Funhouse' now, it's got instructions for you.

Friday, June 16, 2006

I am an ultraweapon programmed by Pythagoras, Good King Wenceslas & the rogue mutants of Moonbase Gamma rocketing into your heart with the power of a million suns.

We are the police, so watch what you're doing.
Wow, this is so stupid, I'm almost proud to have provoked it:

"You Are My Sunshine. 24 Apr. 2006. Google Blogger: Create Your Own Blog. 24 Apr. 2006.

I stumbled onto this blog on a fluke. So far, there has only been one post, and here it is in its entirety: “Oh, gosh, well this is uncomfortable…Just a sign of how extreme my desperate boredom at work has become, I guess.” This may sound stupid, but sometimes I find that a person can learn volumes from something as short and simple as this blog. Basically, this blog is indicative of a larger social problem; I decided to include it in my annotated bibliography as a way of bringing this problem to light. The advent of new technologies has done a lot of good, but it’s also allowed employees to find new ways of slacking off during company time; this blog is an example of that new development. As technology continues to change and grow, employers are going to have to think of ways to use technology to increase proficiency, instead of being hindered by it. This blog also shows just how easy it is to have a blog; the software and design are obviously intuitive and easy to use — so much so, that it could even be done at work, apparently!"
- John Bolin- Professional Badass
Skipping along, post-cosmopolitan, alright, alright. Allsorts momo & beautiful skies day after day, it's almost too much. Fun with mom. Saw Joel off OK, I think, lots of kitchen stores, gourmet stores, nice cup of coffee, it's all a pretty, pretty blur. Fantasies of yuppie kitchen wonderland, farm share is the first step of many, wonder how Neil's home inspection went?

World cup again, feet hurt, dog's feelings hurt, mom's checking her webmail, dog's nosing around, nosing around. Tried to see if Jess in fact wanted to see my mom, she's in a postsurgical haze apparently, hope her hand gets better. Feeling a little less disaffected than normal, time for that sincere, in-depth chat, maybe? Prose rhythms are getting a little old, most likely need more sleep.

Talking stocks, fluctuations in the market, annuities, inheritance, etc. Time to plan for your future now.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

After starting the day poking around in the ceiling of my basement with cable guy and getting covered with bits of insulation, things gradually improved, work was busy but not unpleasant, got out a little early and went to fetch my mom from the airport. She brought me bbq, which was very enjoyable, & I took her for an orientation walk around the Smith campus, where we both very much enjoyed looking at the dawn redwood.

Peretz still seems a little resentful over having been locked in the bathroom while the cable guy was here (he was so agitated he ripped the trim off one side of the door), smoked pork seems to have mellowed these feelings somewhat.

Would really like to get the work week over with and get on with hanging out with my mom. Think I'm supposed to take Joel to the train some time tomorrow afternoon (2?), perhaps we will have lunch before.
Comcast person is supposed to call my cell when he arrives, I am, of course, worried that that won't actually happen, so as time to go to work approaches, I am becoming more and more nervous about it. Anyway, hopefully whatever the problem is will actually get fixed and it won't involve multiple appointments, all of which will make me similarly nervous, if I ever get old & sick enough to have the kind of dealings with the medical system that I currently have with the communications system, hopefully extreme nervousness will lead to an quick, relatively painless demise.

Peretz is acting totally bananas, in & out of Tanya's room all night apparently, had an urgent need to play with me with a bone when I tried to go to bed last night, this morning he's been growling at me whenever I pay attention to anything but him. Don't think he much liked me only being home & awake for about an hour last night.

Article in the paper yesterday about Flywheel's looming loss of its facilities, rife with factual errors, of course. Should probably do something to help out, what we really need is an anarchoartistic megaplex, maybe I should look for a higher paying job.

Comcast guy just called, on his way, apparently.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

So, feel a lot better, day was still ridiculous, among other things had to go to Amherst to wait around for telephone tech to come test a line and connect a couple of wires, got home, expecting to spend some quality chill out time before going to band practice, cable modem is fucked, had to call Comcast support, get to wait around tomorrow morning for Comcast tech, then a brief power outage, returned to work, fixed some things, went to band practice. Just got home a short time ago, no time to chill out, need to go to sleep & a mosquito just bit me.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Went to hang out with Joel & Emily in town, where Emily's desire for snacky things led us to a smorgasbord of side dishes at bbq place. High caloric intake has made me feel a bit better, mentally anyway, still feeling pretty physically & emotionally wrecked. While walking home was obsessing about the profoundly antihuman forces driving everything and how everything decent one tries to do mostly serves to enable their continued reign of suffering & death. Probably best not to think about it. Lots of James Bond on TV, will perhaps have a mylar-encased fruity drink.

Fruity drink is very refreshing, feel more fruity already.

Remember U.S. debut of Capri Sun, was a big deal when I was in 5th grade (for those of you following this regularly, this would be the school year following the summer of going to see 'Clash of the Titans', being interested in cut out of lady w/ crossbow), my friend John Henry Rice tried to impress a girl he liked (Jennifer Bondurant, I believe) by having another friend of ours, the somewhat effeminate Chad Goldman, deliver a Capri Sun to her on a faux silver platter. Chad was kind of fascinating, I went to his house once to watch 'Creepshow' and he kept hiding his eyes behind his hands, but peeking through his fingers, especially during the man devoured by roaches part- he had a very frightening mother with extremely long painted nails who was my 'den mother' the one year I was in Cub Scouts and a stepfather who I was told had blown a stray cat in half with a handgun.
Well that sucked. Can't remember a day at work I felt more disoriented & useless. Maybe I can top it tomorrow?
Feel even worse than I expected, bleh. Ibuprofen & coffee aren't cutting it against strong wish to be run over by truck. Work promises to be a strange experience.

Seems we got a show on 7/20 with the jazzbos, should be a hoot, looking forward to it. Also, Matt M says he wants to play outside somewhere with us some weekend afternoon. Summer is shaping up.

Actual pain is such a drag, more of the rarified spiritual variety please.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Apparently, dbr stands for damaged beyond repair, at least for today. Went to show and just felt really disoriented, eventually gave up and came home, did really enjoy Alexis's video, if it had been all 3 minute videos and somebody kept handing me glasses of water, I probably would've had an amazing time. Can't imagine how I'm going to deal with work tomorrow if I feel even remotely like this.

Now I'm lying on couch, watching 'Octopussy' on TV, I'm 12 all over again, awesome. I remember really digging the tiny plane in the opening sequence, it's still pretty great. I got really excited about James Bond movies as a kid- I remember going to see 'Clash of the Titans' for my brother's twelfth birthday at this movie theater in downtown Nashville and being really excited by a, I think, cutout display involving the woman's legs and crossbow from this poster:

Good times. Maybe I should make some DarthVaderAde.
Cooking my curry & watching 'The Day the Earth Stood Still', having quite the childhood flashback as I was both mildy obsessed with and deeply bored by this movie as a child. All the more labor intensive cooking is definitely having an effect on my outlook, not sure if it's a good one or not.

Walking Peretz a while ago made me feel dizzy & slightly nauseated, not really 100%, but think I'm going to go to show at Flywheel anyway, one after effect of migraines that I commonly experience is altered pupil dilation response, hopefully won't drive into a tree or anything like that if somebody leaves their brights on.
Feel a fucking mess, right eye won't stop twitching, physical frailty always makes me more desperately lonely than usual, ugh, not that I don't have interesting interactions with people, who knows what I expect that's not happening, really, want to feel outside of myself more, maybe, all coiled up in here, ick.

Actually have been having more relaxed, free-flowing conversations with people lately, but this is actually a product of my trying to be more restrained not less, think I mostly want to be making bad semijokes, monkey noises, etc. & don't think anybody's that into that, well, I also enjoy talking about concepts, but that's pretty similar and nobody seems to much like it either.

Disappointed that I won't be here to play show on 7/8, think doing some performance stuff would make me feel less fucked up, more like I'm having fun, would welcome suggestions of other things that might feel like fun.
5 am woken up by migraine, just managed to get out into the light about 15 minutes ago. Fell back asleep at some point, had some very dramatic dreams, so if I seem bored or disappointed in your actual behavior, that's why, nothing personal. Caffeine slowly making me feel more normal, eyes aren't really focusing properly, right instep really hurts for some reason.

Could go into to work, I guess, but looking at computer screen is kind of difficult, so it would probably be very irritating. Going to make a veg curry later with remaining stuff from last week's farm share. Don't really know what to do with myself, feel pretty limp. Maybe some laundry?

Reminds me of being a kid not going to school because I stayed up all night reading scifi novels, maybe I should make myself some chicken soup & toast or english muffins with cream cheese & jam.

My mom just discovered blogs the other day, a woman who she liked who worked at the NIH just died of gastric cancer & had recorded her treatment/disease experiences for the past two years or so. She was surprised by the emotional impact it had & that people thought to do such things, I was a little surprised too, but only because of her age (64), guess she had a son who does computer stuff.

Internet connection is down again, fucking Comcast.

While bored at work last week I spent a lot of time reading friends of friends blogs and came across this livejournal sex tips group, made me feel a lot better about never finishing the 'sex that hurts' video/zine I was working on in the mid 90s, that's right you shambling baby-fed reanimated carcasses, should I fall, there's a thousand young comrades ready to take up the flag of ripping you to wriggling, uncanny shreds, so just give it up already, no brains for you here.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Had an unusually sociable afternoon/evening, first pizza/nice walk/coffee w/ Emily & Joel, later had extensive conversation at candy store mostly re: depressing aspects of life, recalling days of old. Deciding I couldn't deal with 4 shows in 4 days, blew off going to see cool Hampshire kids, sorry cool Hampshire kids.

Feeling particularly exhausted, should probably just go to sleep but am kind of enjoying lying here under the window enjoying the cool breeze, writing lacksadasically. Should start popularizing new sexual perversion: lacksadasism. I'll get started on a series of novels immediately or maybe in a little while.

All the sunshine has had an odd effect on my mental/emotional state, hard to describe, not unpleasant, kind of mellow, unusual for me, pensive (not as unusual, but a bit of a modulation of my normal sorts of thoughtfulness), not feeling bored despite nothing interesting happening. Ah, it's déjà vu all over again, how many times did I write that last sentence?
Dog walk out in the sunshine went horribly wrong, with Peretz breaking the spring-loaded retraction mechanism in his leash & our needing to be rescued by T from over by Cooper's house. New leash was added to my pet store shopping list, on the way back picked up some apricot snails to encourage future rescue behavior.

Going to go get some lunch now, I think.
Forgot to mention that the other day I saw some network nightly news (I think because T was hoping they'd show some of the World Cup opening ceremony) and it seemed even more outlandishly propagandistic than the last time I watched it (maybe 3 years ago?), is my memory faulty or have things gone even more horribly wrong than I thought? Don't know what to make of it, thinking of pushing a semiotic literacy program for schools ('did you know that 9 out of 10 American schoolchildren can't correctly identify the 12 doxic tropes in the following 25 word transcript?'). Maybe we should start a 'General Semiosis', modeled on 'National Geographic', come for the softcore exoticism, stay for the trenchant structural analysis?

OK, sun is back out, off to play with my pup.
Server is back up, getting stupid little processing machines that talk to it working again is being more of a pain than usual, at least it involves moving around. Currently restarting the last of them for the 3rd time (if the thing they need to do doesn't work, they need to be rebooted, think 12x is the record).

Now we're on #4. You might detect some facetitiousness in my all-too-frequent invitations to join me in activities & you wouldn't be wrong, doesn't mean I wouldn't actually enjoy seeing you, though.

Was hoping 6 times would be a charm, apparently not.

7 did it, I'm more serious than ever about this 7/7/07 business, please start your disciplinary practices now, thanks.
Not anywhere near awake enough to be doing something this boring, violent urges simmering, anyone want to be an outlet for my violent urges?

T just called- her early morning World Cup vcr programming failed, anyone have any idea why vcrs generally want to be turned off once programmed to work properly? Stupidest thing ever. It's almost worth getting a Tivo over, if the main point wasn't to take her dad the tapes.

Ah, process seems to be picking up a head of steam, maybe I'll actually get the thing back up on schedule. Won't everyone be pleased?
Just went out for a smoke and it's already clouded over again, guess the picnic is off.

Checking on spam, file location 25% completed.

Guy at party last night couldn't stop talking about his car salesman job, really believes in those Toyotas. It's always hard to believe that my feelings of extreme ironic detachment aren't universal, that's right, I'm a rare commodity with a consequent freedom of action which might surprise you, check it out sometime. Referrals are my lifeblood, so I aim to please.

Been talking up reading group at parties, maybe we'll get it rolling soon, should have all the makings of a crudité platter in any case, an opportunity to indulge your healthy intellectual curiosity, roll up, roll up.
OK, server maintenance underway, remembered to bring coffee, ipod, listening to 'Ave, Lucifer' at the moment.

CHKDSK 19% Complete...

Will be here for awhile, lovely morning outside, pity, we could be soaking our feet in a mountain stream, our beverages trailing away on strings, readying themselves for the inevitable picnic.

At some point need to find employment which gives me more of an opportunity to indulge my lazy, sensuous proclivities. Any ideas? I can get projects done really fast if it means I get to roll around in meadows with loved ones the rest of the time.

Collecting Partition Data...

Of course, this pastoral crap is only a metaphor, or somewhat anyway, I really want to (fill in the blank), really badly actually. Let's play Mad Libs.
Stupid me scheduled a downtime so it wouldn't inconvenience others & now I need to be at work at 9am this morning.

Second house show in 2 days was surprisingly pleasant, nice music, even enjoyed talking with some people, though the amount some people drink kind of grosses me out. It's not that I blame them or anything, but they're really irritating, moreso than people really fucked up on anything I can think of actually, I mean, you'd think people all hopped up on speed would be worse, but not really, in my experience. Had a great time with Hank the beagle & some cats. Hank is easily startled by loud noises, so he was having some difficulties, I think we got through it OK.

Got home to TV Party Russian style, sort of makes me wish I hadn't gotten T that movie as I could've been avoiding much needed sleep watching anime rather than writing this. In addition to the above mentioned beagle infidelities, I also forgot to get dog food. Peretz is pissed.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Well the bread pudding was a wash, got started on it, was cutting up the loaf of stale bread I was going to use and found that it was infested with a nest of very pale green mold, ick, not as disgusting as the huge moth I found encased in the top of a peanut butter cup one Halloween long ago, but still feel that a trip to throw up city might be in order. Think maybe I'll just pick up some donuts instead. Maybe I'll have a peanut butter cup now.
Feeling a bit vague, this inability to sleep in thing has got to get dealt with. Trying to figure out what to fix for potluck at show at Bev & Shannon's house later, bread pudding maybe? Should I go all out & make a sauce for it? Need to buy dog food, coffee filters (the fuckers who made my coffee filters inserted a coupon in the old box which I mistook for a filter), wonder if there's cheap fresh blackberries or anything like that to be had that would work well in a bread pudding. Maybe I should make something altogether different, something savory?

Just had a look at the always somewhat disturbing Dan Treacy blog, cripes.

Should really go find some food so I can feel less fuzzy, if you somehow manage to intercept me en route I practically guarantee a full on teddy bear experience, after the nutrients get to the brain, not so much. Can check out the farmer's market too, huzzah!
All curlicues & marginalia, a singsong lilting along in the second person, something very wrong. Ah, my sweet Galicia, shoved into the rendering kettles & me bobbing up in the scum on top, what passes for Aphrodite in this age. Tell me your secrets, my little ones & I will grant your heart's desire. & ampersand & ampersand.

That's how it is. I wanted to tell you, so I did.

How it isn't is different, but you'd know more about that.

A circuit is defined as "the complete path between two terminals over which one-way or two-way communications may be provided." A circus is where there are clowns and people on stilts, sometimes these are one and the same.

Friday, June 09, 2006

About time for a visit to the Our Lady of Perpetual Motion Center for Malformed & Defective Eidola I think, wonder how long their waiting list is these days. Too much stuff I want to do that in no way do I have the time or ability to do. Strange things are making me frustrated & angry, I won't bother you with them.

Sun just came out, has a lovely golden tone, like your voice, dear.

Thinking about doing a series of drawings, need to clear off a work surface first, more challenging than you'd think.

Watched some of World Cup earlier, but couldn't tell you a thing that happened. T's dad wants us to record a bunch of games for him as the only TV her folks get is Russian satellite stuff.

Feeling itchy, should shave, but it would make me even less like Jesus, what do you think?
Whatever happened to impromptu shrines? Used to hear about a new one on the news every week, now I can't remember the last time I heard the phrase. Anyway, fuck trends, I'm building an impromptu shrine to you in my heart right now.

Feeling pretty out of it, too many shows tonight, was planning to go to house show, but am also tempted by show at PACE involving teens from Nashville... decisions, decisions.

Here's a description of the house show in question from George:

Friday June 9th @ 8pm
@ Crystal/Amy/Donny's house
60 (something) Bradford St.
Northampton (use google maps)
Bromp Treb (chuggin and buggin beep/homeowner)
Juiceboxxx (WI, whiteboy crazy hip hop)
Squidbotz (MI, freakout electronic jams)
Bengeorge7 (Doo-Doo Man salespeople)

Will probably go to that, I guess, despite likelihood of crowded house leading to massive panic response and the selling out of my teenage homies.
:), mimosa family
:), mind-changing
:), Mittel-europa
:), money getter
:), Moor-lipped
:), Mothering sunday
:), motor-camper
:), museum beetle
:), narrow-spiritedness
:), net earnings
:), night stick
:), Non-danish
:), north-countriness
:), note-blind
:), noun clause
:), oil-fed
:), oil-producing
:), on-glaze
:), one-valued
:), orange daisy
:), otitis media
:), paint hose
Fwd: ?
Just had a lovely pastoral experience with Peretz eating grass about 8 feet from a tiny bunny doing the same. Perhaps the messiah has come after all? Time to move to small agrarian community in the Catskills?

Getting set to do my last scraps of work for the week, then it's nonstop party time. Actually a giant number of chores/errands to do/run, but there's lots of music happening this weekend, will hopefully be a blast & not a pretext for random freak outs, at least not on my part.

T's grandma's coming home from the hospital today, probably to die.

Trying to get more coffee into me so I can face all this shit, but it's hot hot hot.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

So far, so good on the farm share encouraging me to do actual cookery thing, made a stir fry with (starred items from farm share) kohlrabi*, scallions*, cashews, chicken, black bean sauce, served it atop boston lettuce*, pretty tasty. Will be nice when there's more stuff that's not leafy greens as I won't feel as rushed to use everything up. Still have broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, radishes, field greens to utilize, have plans for all but radishes. Should become more challenging & interesting when I get more things I would normally not bother with like, say, acorn squash. Tanya actually enjoyed the kohlrabi, I think, maybe we'll get through the broccoli & cauliflower OK.

Incredibly sleepy, felt like I was going to pass out while walking Peretz, play session with labrador mix puppy reinvigorated me somewhat, but that was pretty short-lived. Will try to get more than five hours of sleep tonight, see if that helps.
This week has been going on for years, hope any of you who've gotten married, had kids, etc. in the meantime didn't resent my absence too much, can't keep track of what I'm doing from one minute to the next (peace to the frontal lobe trauma posse), think a major crackup is imminent, so if this thing starts filling up with posts like:

bijufedhobehdnj nmxbvjksj js f kjsb df;o834hy987 3nbvjkw gfvtu43fy.ka;oud yt8924ghbvuiwsf vguiw heg89pry38794gfjbc vuiwr yt87924 yt789ughsu94874 79823y4 t98734y89t3y49 t9p34y t89py5985y36p8923y 56p8943yrhgjkiuol4wy t9p3465y89y34jkgdsauilwgpiuwe uwtr 80w4ty082y4 uo24y08t4y90 8t[7342y 589y58948094

somebody please come & take me to the hospital.

Anyone noticed how Fitzgerald's prose style is similar to the breezy line drawings found in magazines of the period? Spontaneous freestyle raps keep unspooling in my head involving rhymes like bee's knees and synesthesia, at least it's not squeeze ya & please ya, but no doubt it soon will be.
Despite not needing to, got up promptly at 7, actually started waking up around 6, so I guess I'll go to work on time. Old reliable feeling plenty old & sick of being reliable. Anybody in need of an overworked pastry, or should we just chuck it, start afresh & hope for something flakier next time?

Trying to think of something interesting to do with kohlrabi.

Want to start putting out records soonish, too many things I want to do, no time or energy to do them even with essentially no life. Could use an injection of enthusiasm, stuck out in the woods trying to light wet tinder with random rocks I found lying around, next time I'll come prepared.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Back at work again, thing doesn't want to get done, got a bunch else done in the meantime, occassionally wander past monitoring progress, yet again have quite the headache.

Finished watching movie, really appalling the things people will spend good money on, I'd tell you its name, but some of you completists out there might feel compelled to watch it to make your 'you are my sunshine' experience the most it can be and, as you may know, we can't have that. It's kind of tempting to make an actually worthwhile & enlightening movie about love & loss, but I think there've been enough suicides already.

Forgot to grab my ipod on the way out the door from home, may be reduced to listening to something streaming, yeech.
Got out of work early today (hurrah!) because I had to go back later (boo!), just got back from the first 2 hours of that, need to go back around 11 & finish up. Did enjoy my time off in the afternoon, went burrito hunting (bagged one easy, natch), had a mocha, got really wet, hung out with P, picked up the first of my farm share (mostly greens for now due to prolonged wetness & some cabbage relatives that I'm afraid T won't eat), made a nice salad, watched some of a terrible romantic comedy, which I imagine I'll watch the rest of when T gets back from visiting her very sick grandma, etc. Get a lot more done at work when nobody's there, lose track of time, listen to music, it's pretty OK.

Had some Grape Nuts while writing the above, feel recharged & ready for anything.
Now, a word from the subcomandante.
So T's got a Burning Man buddy attempting to flirt with her via SMS, most of his output is pretty marginal, but this one from ~3AM would make a lovely proverb, I think, "The sheep become tastier when you rub salt in their wounds." This seems so beautiful to me on so many levels, almost makes me think she should take the guy up on his propositions.

It's also got me thinking about Harvey Sacks's remarks on proverbs again (check out the dispute attached to the Sacks wikipedia article in which David Sudnow, author of a moderately interesting phenomenological treatment of learning jazz piano I read a long time ago & also a study of his obsession with Atari 2600 breakout, appears to be descending into paranoia).

It struck me again the other day how my current occupation is largely the result of the sort of information which is available on the Internet. I remember some time in the 90s being disappointed I couldn't find anything much of interest on here and wishing the material I wanted was covered in as much depth as the computer stuff. This same effect is now seen in medical research, according to my mom, with nothing much cited pre-1992 (or whatever date fulltext online versions of articles become available). Please put some other stuff up, I'm getting tired of being computer/person.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

If I had any sense, I'd be asleep now instead of eating Eggo waffles and reading upsetting things from the Internet- maybe not though, I don't know that it's all that obvious, but I need to expose myself to a pretty steady diet of grim reality to keep from mistaking my esthetic responses to the world for how the world actually is, because, frankly, in my sensorium, things are pretty groovy. Think I might let this spill over into my talk to other people a bit too much, sorry if it's a downer, sometimes I forget who I'm talking to.

OK, been 'fascinatingly' self-contradictory enough for tonight and so sleepy I'm making all sorts of typographical mistakes, I'm going to go try to awaken the sleeping masses with positive vibrations from my castle/raygun in dreamland.
Well, that went pretty well, the Master's chosen ones remain few in number, but all the more beloved of him for that. Don't be surprised if you hear of a sudden upturn in financial circumstances for Joel, Fernando, Tanya & myself. Others, who arrived later, may escape punishment or even be rewarded, after a fashion. As for the rest of you, I wish you and your loved ones all the best in your coming times of trouble.

Capri Suns and Ginger-Os all around, the decadence may surprise you- what of it?
Tuning the spam filter, la la la, la la la, la la la. La la la, la la la.

La la la, la la la.

It's really fun.
Just received my June issue of Presstime, the cover features a cake with cherry topping and "18-34" in candle form on it being sliced by what looks like a Wusthof chef's knife. The cover story: "Serving Youth: Papers explore new ways to segment young adults". Can't remember a time I felt better about being out of a demographic.

Peretz was unusually interested in the places where bugs congregate this morning, still itchy, itching for some excitement as well & not the things go horribly wrong at work kind I've been getting so far today.

Have had a headache of varying severity since Sunday, goddesses should come popping out any time now, bringing all kinds of awesomeness to everybody that's not me.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Damn, welcome to the world of the pokey-slow old-ass network card, wonder how long this is going to take? Nice mix of Roxy Music & other stuff going on, hope my hopping around in the server room doesn't freak out the sports guys or make them too excited to do their work.

Got to pee, but my preferred restroom back by the press is engulfed in darkness, what to do? Wouldn't want to have to go to a nonpreferred restroom.

1970's on now, tempted to sing along really loud, but the sports guys might hear & next thing you know it would be some kind of anthem like they did to We Are The Champions, couldn't deal with it, better not.
Back at work doing that thing I couldn't do earlier, just did Tibetan with Joel & Emily with E more glum than anyone has any business being while doing Tibetan, certainly more glum than anybody who fixes me snickerdoodles has any need to be. I'm concentrating hard on the Aleph trying to make her feel better, you of pure blood feel free to do the same, the rest of you do whatever it is you do.

Despite the whole 4.5 hrs sleep thing, I'm feeling pretty groovy, maybe it's because of the 4.5 hrs sleep thing. Itching to get back to my pup, he was so excited when I came home, but it was just for a minute, to switch into a yak-free shirt, screaming cell phone lady + Scottish Rite marching band made me break my usual table etiquette & decorum.

Got Peaches blaring on the headphones, suck it up.
Ok, so if anybody reading this is a software developer who sells anything involving any kind of copy protection hardware dongle, go fuck yourself, you and your ilk just wasted several hours of my time and forced me to introduce a completely unnecessary point of failure to a server, hate hate hate. It's going to cost you business in the long run, assholes.

Apart from that, work was even more strangely busy than usual, need to return later to do something to a server, I move from one joy to the next, like a bee passing from flower to flower, all part of the beautiful cycle of life.
Finally fell asleep on the couch, watching cartoons, woken early by a VoIP informercial, 'If you're a technical person and know what a router is...", oh, do I ever. Feel surprisingly OK given the inadequate sleep, morning showers & coffee for everybody and we'll get this shit straightened out.

Peretz finally got around to chasing one of this Spring's lethargic, overly sanguine bunnies, shattering my fantasy of walking in on him playing cards with a group of them, drinking tea, eating ginger snaps.

Just listening to a Strapping Fieldhands song about a junkie prostitute, strange how they've stuck with me when so many things I liked in the mid 90s have fallen by the wayside, wonder what happened to my copy of that ep of theirs with the song about the Jersey Devil and the cover of 'Lay Down'? Maybe Joel has it? In any case, I stand by my advice to let your white birds smile up at the ones who stand and frown.

Looks like good weather for performance tomorrow, which is awesome because I checked out that park yesterday with Peretz & it is looking particularly diabolical, I particularly enjoyed the caution tape streaming like a strangely elongated flag from the top of a giant conical mound.

Work doesn't look so bad from closer to, what was I thinking?

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Well it seems there's something still very wrong with me despite having calmed down. I can't fall asleep even though I'm extremely tired and am unbelievably sad about absolutely nothing in particular. This is such a fucking drag, too tired to do anything remotely useful, going to be incredibly tired tomorrow, everything just dragging along & for what? Can't get anything I want to get done done, help produce a newspaper to further ruin people's minds, irritate people for no reason, fuck this.

No fun, no more, no fun, no more.

Boy, does my head hurt. Yes, I took something for it. No, it didn't help.

Sorry for producing all this crap for you to read, can't manage to do much else today, it seems.
I've come to the conclusion that the infertility blogs are related to my blog because they are similarly ridiculous & depressing. Score one for bloglines.
Trying to figure out why bloglines sees my blog as related to a bunch of blogs dealing with infertility. Do they know something I don't? Is it my preoccupation with semiosis? Do they know I've read 'Glas'?

Seriously, is somebody subscribing to my blog who's having this problem and actually cares about it? Is there anything I can do to help? Like talk you out of it?

Feeling pretty wiped out, marginally psychotic states take a lot out of one, it seems. is so great, I've written a a quiz to test how well you know me, it's so much fun! Everybody please take my quiz on!
Oh boy, oh boy! I just got an account on, you can check it out here, but the sad part is- I don't have any friends! Wouldn't you like to be my special internet friend on the amazing!?! It's quick and easy and most of all a lot of fun and a great way to make new internet friends!
These internet wish lists are great! I'm not even (entirely or literally) a teenage girl with a webcam, and I've already gotten, in addition to one (or more) of my explicitly expressed desiderata, asked out for ice cream, snickerdoodles & a Magnetic Fields record! It's a pleasure universe, WTF?!?
Slowly returning to more or less normal, made some desultory efforts to spread merriment, went on a longish exploratory hike with Peretz, having more coffee, will try to find more things to amuse myself later.

If, for some reason, my being in states like I was just in concerns you, here's, in my experience, what's most helpful in countering them from least to most effective: tranquilizers, intelligent conversation on topics of interest with sympathetic people, vigorous sexual activity. I am therefore up for any of these things at pretty much any time (no need to feel uncomfortable, any of them will do nicely).

Cool weather is a nice change, smells interesting outside.
Christ, 'Hospital' started playing over my headphones on my way back from work, don't you love them too, that where you got your eyes? I knew it would happen. Yikes, too close to fucking home in too many fucking ways. Don't ever go out with girls who cut themselves if you can help it.

Just so you know, my dear ones, if you can't deal with things and are about to self-destruct, I would really be happy to do anything at all to make your life easier, up to and including providing shelter and fixing you English breakfasts, even though it would probably piss Tanya off. If there's anything you'd like me to do that you think is more onerous than fixing English breakfasts, you're almost certainly mistaken.
I should really be headed into work to swap tapes, check on servers, but nice coffee & nice internet are making me tarry (funny ambiguity). Wonder how my bosses would feel if they knew the person responsible for their 'mission critical' computer equipment was also prone to entering ecstatic states at the drop of a hat.

I think I've given some people the impression that I'm shy or hung up or something, this is total bunk, I'm probably the closest thing to pure sociability you're likely to encounter until the Messiah arrives on his horse, here's the real deal- in addition to being prone to severe floating anxiety, I also have even nastier anxiety focussed on social performance, that is, if my actions toward other people don't conform or I think they might not conform to certain highly abstract standards, imposed by me, I tend to flip out in scary ways, the fact that 'social performance' includes writing is the main reason I abandoned my academic involvements. So here's a tip: if you're going to cancel social engagements with me, please provide a plausible reason, even if it's that you've decided you hate my guts or something like that, else I will enter an intense retrospective examination of my actions toward you which will escalate into total chaos if I can't identify what I've done wrong, thanks for your consideration.

Peretz just had a touching play interaction with an elderly golden lab, very considerate of her mobility limitations, wonder how he knows to do that.

I'm all about wonder.
Well that was unpleasant. Finally fell asleep after several hours of shaking and frightening visions. I think I need a keeper or maybe some devoted followers who jot down everything I say in these situations to better oppress generations to come.

So, again, come play music with us on Tuesday in the park behind Cooper's house, we're expecting to call up the Master, and if he's there likely as not Kubrick, Polanski and Johnny Depp will also be in attendance. Rain location: City Hall steps.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Been having a fairly terrifying panic experience for about half an hour now & it's escalating I think, feel really hot and uncomfortable, my eyelids are very twitchy. Wow, it's quite challenging to type. Maybe I'm just being trendy & getting sick, this happens fairly frequently during onset of cold symptoms. Going to try to shrink myself to a point so I can more easily explore other dimensions, see you on the flip side.

Oh, helphelphelp, never mind, it's just me.
Went to a bbq, but not the one I was planning on, festival of Central European cuisine, very pleasant, if a bit heavy, feel kind of spaced out now, again wishing I was talking to someone about something unexpected, not to put any pressure on anybody or anything.

Been having really serious anxiety over my inevitable return to work since leaving Friday, no reason for it, especially, and it's making my stomach hurt.

Pretty sick of being me, anybody want to swap?
Where have all the flowers gone?

Maybe should take advantage of Tanya's attending a wedding in Boston tomorrow to arrange group viewing of "To Sir, With Love"/orgy, shhh, don't let her know...
Moominland might be in more danger than we thought, check it out. Should really reread some Moomin books, or else just move the family into an abandoned lighthouse on a desolate island where we can pursue our obsessions deep into alienation and quiet despair.

If I seem like more of a bastard than usual in the coming days, it's just that I'm experimenting with some new approaches to things generally, don't worry, I still love you.
Farm share starts Wednesday, pretty sure the strawberry crop will prove to be well and truly fucked by all the wet. Maybe will go to yet another Saturday bbq later, weather permitting. Before that, maybe I'll find some time to work on my forthcoming nature guide, 'Wallflowers of Western New England'. Also, what's the story with W. Mass. Donut Watch & Rotaries of the Declining State? An adoring public wants to know.

Maybe I should get a radio show and just start reading 'The Mass Psychology of Fascism' on it, probably too tempting to just play records, but everybody's already heard all the Flipper they want to, I imagine, ah, fuck it. Anyway, you can just get the Reich book here and read it yourself.
Can't sleep in for shit these days, so up & too sleepy to drink coffee properly, listening to Lulu's 'Me the Peaceful Heart', good times, bad times, sometimes I used to be happy. Really need to dig around in the Brit teen pop bin a bit more some time.

The dog keeps looking at me, out into the rainy cold I go.

Friday, June 02, 2006

So it seems like something, not sure what, is on for Tuesday evening at 6:66 in the park behind Cooper's house, come play music if you want or just bask in his all-perfect love, think I might bring Capri Suns for everybody, maybe some sort of marshmallow cookies. Fernando's up for it apparently, so it will no doubt be something.

Show tonight wasn't exactly a blast, but wasn't bad either, screaming karate kids v. drone folk, might sound better on tape, I was feeling pretty damp, hit myself in the face a few times, girls love that shit. Also no one official was on hand when I showed up, so I did door for a while, the kids all want something for nothing & I can't blame them.

Feeling extremely nervous about nothing in particular, fed up with even the smart kids being stupid, big image, big secrets, big fucking deal. Really, if you're reading this, I probably find you uncannily delightful & all, but what's most interesting about you is the stuff you haven't done yet, can we get on with it?

Been wanting to listen to some new music all day, couldn't find anything I wanted in town & too lazy to explore the internet, stuck with 'Bristol Stomp' looping in my head, oddly Dooley suggested trying to drive it out with 'Borstal Breakout' which I'd already tried earlier. Maybe I should try 'Crystal Blue Persuasion'?
Conversation earlier brought 'Bristol Stomp' back to mind, fuck, what a great song, sang some snatches of it to remind the person I was talking to what song it was, Bristol, CT, represent, people should really sing more and more dance crazes damn it.

Spent a while curled up in a blanket singing little songs to myself in a very high falsetto, feel kind of flushed and fucked up, should probably make an effort to get rained on less.

Stuff to do later, that's a plus, maybe I'll have a magical experience that's not solely contained in my mind, doubt it, though- really, though, there's this fantastic shit going on in my head constantly, really seems like I should be more fascinating- come on, kids, talk to me some time, I have all kinds of ideas you can rip off, build your whole life and reputation around if you want, cure for your Friday blahs...

So, was that psycho and off-putting enough, or do I need to try harder?
Once again ready for a wet dress shirt competition, consistently starts pouring five minutes after I set out for a walk, guess Nobodaddy's finally getting pissed at all the shit I talk about him.

Was planning to do fun stuff/errands in town during my afternoon off, but the rain is making that seem not so fun, tend to get involved in little projects and/or doing nothing during this time and end up feeling like I have even less of a weekend than I do, sigh.
Really wishing I'd managed to squeeze in another 2 1/2 hours of work earlier in the week so I could be asleep now. Oh well, no big deal, who needs to feel good, anyway?

Peretz was gagging and wheezing a bunch yesterday, had us a bit worried, but he seems OK now. Generally things have been kind of a drag for him lately, cold raininess means less playtime with other pups. Amusing play incident from last week: very butchy woman walking some sort of border collie mix, wants to play with Peretz real bad, they sniff and circle, then Peretz tries to climb up on her head, 'Oh no,' says woman, 'he's trying to mount her, she doesn't like that!', and starts dragging the dog away, dog desperately trying to get back to P, tongue hanging out of side of mouth, eyes sparkling. Projection is a bitch.

Just a reminder, The Laudable Pus would be delighted to bring the rock to your home or private function, so bored lately I think I could get pretty worked up, it could be an exciting time.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Just had an extremely intense series of déjà vus on my way out of the grocery store, starting with a grain fed teenage stocker saying something about being drunk off his ass and climaxing in a wildly sustained thought about my writing about repetitions earlier, a sort of ultraslow motion N2O experience, a giant bouncing balloon careening glacially across the parking lot, a wonder I wasn't hit by a truck, had I been, I would no doubt have drifted gloriously away, to a better place and time.

Reminds me of a chain letter I meant to write ages ago with a long list of examples of the profoundly transformative spiritual experiences had by those who 'broke the chain.'

Also, people have suddenly taken to paying back money they owe me, which is great, but for some reason they're all doing it with cash, vaguely paranoid about depositing all of it getting me put on yet another watch list (so I write about it on my blog...). Still $10 outstanding on a mushroom plaque, you know who you are.

Oh, listened to this free Deerhoof EP earlier, pretty nice and explains why my server has been so busy, fuck you, Pitchfork.
Reminded myself yet again why I rarely walk to or from town on my own street as I was again splashed by a harried commuter. Luckily(?), I was already completely soaked. Replaced my broken watch, following my long established pattern of cheap watch/moderately expensive watch alternation, I'm now in the moderately expensive watch stage of the cycle, so if you notice a new found respectability in my appearance, it's probably that. Work once again total chaos, once again need to return tonight to reboot a server. Tell me if you've heard this before. I think if I slightly increased the tempo of all the repetition in my life it might become actually exciting, sexually, I mean, as it is, the rhythms are just kind of grating.
Just ejected some sort of giant leaf beetle that Peretz found climbing around on the couch, ick. Maybe I don't really belong in a society where I sit back at the camp all day popping Peyote buttons, telling the others where, according to my visions, the good fruits and herds of animals are. I suppose much of what I do is a sort of nonisometric projection of that in any case, minus the bugs, mostly.
Christ, I just managed to simultaneously describe myself as a little girl & a priest, run away.

Been thinking a lot about 'Genealogy of Morals' lately, though it's been quite a while since I last read it, ten years maybe? Maybe we should read one of the essays for our book group, if we ever do that. Can't seem to stop generating imaginary communities, sorry.

When the oil runs out, will we still get coffee?

Doing this has nearly entirely diverted my attention from playing 'Animal Crossing', hope my computer generated animal friends are doing OK without me.
Slept fitfully, really should make an effort not to fall asleep listening to music, it's a difficult resolution to stick to, though. Weird dreams, seems that I really do want to be a little girl at least some of time, being hunted by invisible animals, luminous & rustling in their invisibilty, sort of mammalian insects, maybe, through primordial forests of giant ferns.

The contrast between the ecstatic quality of my sensory experience and my always disappointing social life is slowly eating away at the reptile portion of my brain, maybe my heart will stop soon. Tip for people tempted to spend a lot of time alone thinking about things: it tends to destroy your sense of camaraderie with those you feel closest to, everything is always slightly off, palpable distrust floats in the air, not actually situated in either person. The hope that some medium or other will serve to correct this discrepancy seems more empty all the time.

Take this business, for example, it seems to me that it is mostly good for scaring away people who don't know me very well with its obsessive tedium, childish arrogance, arbitrariness passing for wit.

Shit, my watchband finally broke, will be looking at my wrist all day, in all its surprising delicacy.