Saturday, March 31, 2007

Spent quite a long time talking to my mom on the phone, about my grandma, about things that have been upsetting me. It seemed to bother her that I'm more upset by worrying about other people than being hurt and sad and so on. It's not that I'm not upset about those things, not at all. Matter of priorities, worldview & all that. Like my pal poppybird wrote once about herself, I'm not that good at being an -ee. Probably be easier for everybody if I were better at that.


Thinking about the sex scenes in Norwegian Wood and feeling worried.

Vulgar, vulgar, vulgar.

Just got called by work, problem with email, the sort of thing I want to know about, not really on Saturday night, but still. Anyway, fixed now.

Not actually that vulgar, more sweet and prone to worrying, really.
T brought me some black currant sirok in chocolate from her parents, very tasty. Glad she got back from errands, was having a pretty dark time of it here by myself. Try going to my happy place, remnants of earlier massacre has left it less inviting than it once was, having trouble getting the bloodstains out of the furniture, body parts keep turning up between the cushions.

Keep thinking about the time when I was a kid and our Skye terrier ate our cat's kittens, eyeballs beneath the pines.
Quite the array of singer-songwriters in my head today, 'Eve of Destruction' in the shower, 'Big Yellow Taxi' while walking along the greenway behind the Roundhouse parking lot with P just now, something else this morning, what was it? Oh yeah, 'Parasite'.

Thoughts keep going down dark alleys & getting scared. Hum little tunes to myself, feel a bit better.
Trying all sorts of things to feel more normal, nothing's working, walk in the sunshine (that's you!), hot shower, tasty snack, reading, writing, sudoku, etc. Ball of nerves. Should be in Baltimore, nothing feels right.

Peretz still seems kind of out of it, keep trying to convince him that eating random objects found in snow piles isn't really the healthiest habit, he tends to look skeptically at my cigarette & smirk. All do what we have to to get by, I guess.

Glancing over my checklist of things to do in life, "Find true love" checked, "Lose true love" also checked, no more entries about true love, probably for the best.
Fantasizing about dim sum, missed it for today, I guess Great Wall started doing that on Sundays as well, so maybe tomorrow if I remember. Making some frozen egg rolls as a sad substitute.

P still seems to feel a little sketchy, curled up & a bit somber.

Should probably bake something with the Red Deliciouses from the shadow economy, don't see us eating them otherwise, maybe a tart? Would need to clean the kitchen first, don't really feel up to it.

Heart hurts.
Doing online crosswords, thinking about sex. I know guys are supposed to think about sex once every 7 seconds or something, that's not me, normally anyway, prim little schoolgirl, mind on metaphysics, narratology, self-structuring systems. Anyway, had some very interesting sex, now I'm thinking about it quite a bit. Usually I get detached and bored quite easily, this wasn't like that at all, also felt very healthy & correct. What's weirder, I'm quite sure the feeling was mutual. Didn't last, sadly, we're both alone again and, given our idiosyncrasies, likely to stay that way. Well, she's not alone, in theory, anyway. Don't get me started about theory, I can go on & on.

Peretz seems to be feeling a bit better.

Did eat some pears, should probably have something more substantial.
Woke to find Peretz very desperate to be taken for a walk, he seems to have a fairly nasty digestive disturbance, so I guess melancholy trip to the seaside is off. Poor guy. We walked past an SUV full of very large dogs by the yarn store, amazing how much they could make it shake.

Thinking about sudoku as an emblem of things to come. Culturally neutral problem sets popularized through rebranding by the Japanese seem to sum up a lot of what we're facing nicely.

T's pushing gray market pears on me, resisting, have a bit of a digestive disturbance myself.
Been having some bizarre quasi out of body experiences for the past hour or so, probably an effect of being too exhausted to get up and go to bed, anyway, they've been lovely.

Tempting to go to bed though, might have some more disturbing sex dreams like last night, those were pretty neat. Keen.

Nice to have odd ecstatic experiences again, I'd missed them.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Been thinking a lot about people being suicidal for the past couple years, hadn't thought much about it for a long time- when I was younger it came up a lot, I guess one benefit of keeping almost entirely to oneself for many years is not being confronted with things like that. Anyway, the thing that's clearest to me about it is that suicide is pretty ideal as a method for hurting people in direct proportion to how much they care about you and people who really hate themselves tend to fear, resent, etc. people caring about them. It's hard to know whether not being around to observe and gauge the exact amount of pain caused is a benefit or a drawback. Merely fantasized pain is purer of course, real pain is a big mess.

If one wanted to get a more objective sense of this, one could of course experiment. Just pick one person who cares about you a lot and be dead to them. Probably best to choose someone whose use of modern communications technology allows you to observe the suffering from a safe distance, with little to no risk of providing any comfort to the subject and skewing your results.
Really feeling a lot better than I have in quite some time. Trying to think of interesting things to do with myself again. Not coming up with anything good, but that's nothing new.

Loneliness is a lot harder when you get out of the habit of it, habit's coming back. Halfway wish I could forget I could feel any other way, not likely to, dealing with it. Maybe it's better for me to have someone to miss this badly, keep me from getting too abstract. Halfway wish I could get too abstract.

Soda shop?
Wishing I could do a better job reconciling the gentleness of my feelings for others with the extreme harshness of my thoughts, experience and manner. The thoughts are behind it all of course, layers of static, multitracked, reversible, incessant. A real problem with opening myself up to people is that they end up getting exposed to these processes and they tend to scare the shit out of them. It's not surprising, that's mostly how I feel about them myself. The thing is, these scary things are the basis of most of my good qualities- reliable, empathetic, perceptive, etc. Should probably work harder at keeping my insides on the inside, it's not very pleasant and it makes me feel terribly alone, but it's probably best.

Extreme natural beauty continues outside, spent a while walking around in town, watching the Friday traffic, people cartoonish in their variety waiting at the traffic light at Pleasant & Main, haven't done that since Summer. Picked up some nice Thai, had nice chat with restaurant workers about loving heart teddy bear pin, get more enthusiastic responses to that pin, very thoughtful of T to get it for me, a sign & a warning. Preved!
I was asked a while ago, "Don't you think I know what I'm giving up?"

Honestly, I didn't and I don't. No one could, a lot of unexpected possibilities were in the offing. Past experience suggested that a lot of those would be of a shattering goodness, would have been quite something, I'm sure, but what in particular- no way to say.

Poor, sick bird.

Poor, sick me.

The beauty of this day, like yours, would be difficult to overstate. Went walking with Peretz through the Smith Phys Plant dumping area, finally dry enough to be passable, piles have been moved around, quite fascinating.
Just spent some time away from acls out in the sunshine, should find a way to spend more time out in the sunshine. Burrito, coffee, fresh air. Walking barely hurt at all.

Had some pretty intense dreams last night, shadowy movements, violence, overwhelming feelings of safety and contentment, a warm and friendly darkness. That's me all over.

OK, more Cisco.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Reading about experimental treatment of PTSD with MDMA, sounds more fun than cognitive behavioral therapy anyway.

Think some time away from the workplace is going to do me good, feel more relaxed & mentally flexible than I have in ages, very difficult for me to be around people for extended periods when I feel as bad as I've been feeling. Very difficult is actually something of an understatement, it's always very difficult. Let's say I have a hard time understanding how I've been making myself do it.

Foot's a lot better even, that could be the soaking though.
Had some fruit fresh from the Post-Soviet underground economy instead of Count Chocula, healthy choices, healthy life. Would be nice to feel healthy again, I felt just amazingly healthy for most of the fall, insane & misguided, maybe, but really fucking healthy.

Actually, I'm pretty sure that there was nothing insane & misguided about it, passionate & clear-sighted is more like it. We were doing the right thing then, my body vibrates with the certainty of it. Sadly, not everyone shares my confidence, go figure.

Dialectical, haha.
Managed to get in & out of Target without causing a scene, leaving my image as a pillar of strength intact, among the nonblogreading community at any rate. Drove away well stocked with paper goods, singing 'Ask' to myself. Also got a fresh supply of milk, maybe treat myself to a melancholy bowl of Count Chocula later, boy do I ever detest the stuff. Making reasonable progress on dutifully working through food supplies left behind by fleeing damsel, quite a lot of nicken choodle soup left, fresh out of sherry, wondering how it can be made reasonably palatable, add garlic maybe.

Despite most of my central nervous system's strong and recently reaffirmed commitment to pressing on with life and doing its best whatever the circumstances, the rest of my body is really showing some disturbing tendencies to throwing in the towel. It liked the old plan better, can't say I blame it, wish it would get with the program, I've tried reasoning with it, should maybe leave it in a gutter somewhere while I do some astral voyaging, wish I felt more confident it would miss me.

Wish, wish, wish, all the while shit's piling up in the other hand.
Maybe it's kind of odd to find yourself hoping that people you care about can maintain their resentment and hostility toward you, keeps happening regardless. It worries me that I don't seem a very plausible target, more than worries, actually, it's been keeping me up at night.

Need to go get toilet paper, was thinking about going to Target, as they often have good deals on the stuff, got to thinking about the board games section & started crying. Guess I'll go somewhere else, don't need a reputation as the big, scary guy who cries at Target. Ah fuck it, I'll just go to Target.

Anybody need anything?
Spending the day with my head in a Cisco console and my heart in Baltimore, hurts, hope the nice folks down there don't mind the spurting blood getting all over everything. Feeling a bit lightheaded, should probably eat something.

Really wasn't aware I was capable of feeling this strongly about anybody, a learning experience I guess. Tempting to say it's one I could do without, but I think that would be a mistake. I'm actually learning a lot, going through some strange changes in general outlook that I think are probably for the better, feeling simultaneously more & less alone.

OK, enough about learning more than I really need to know about pain, loss & my emotional needs, back to learning more than I really need to know about address translation.
Finally got access to Cisco stuff, will be starting in on that today. Good day to be at home doing something like that as my foot feels like something very heavy was dropped on it, should probably soak it.

Thinking about crabcakes.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Not sure what I've done to my left foot, but I can barely walk. Just out with P, stabbing pain with every step, muscle cramp maybe.

So despite what you might think, being an insane giant's not all gravy.

Thinking about how people mostly make their own limitations, the ones that matter to them, anyway. I thought somebody was less interested in keeping the same old limitations than she was, caused a lot of unnecessary pain as a result. Honest mistake, not an easy one for me to deal with. Certainly hurts a lot more than my foot.

Anyway, still think she's pretty wonderful, limitations or no. A treasure.

Yeah, a cliché, what about it?
No dessert to be had, watching British mystery with T.

Feel funny, floaty, foot hurts too, ay ay ay.

Wow, my nose really hurts.

Sitting quietly with Peretz, he's very twitchy, I'm less so than I've been for a while, hope we're not growing apart.

Fried rice was very tasty, thinking dessert.
Working on some fried rice with bok choy, listening to Muswell Hillibillies, feel kind of amazing, have been breaking down crying some anyway. Among other things, still thinking about my grandma and how much I miss her. Nobody's going to miss me like that, don't know if that's good or bad.

Outside, the traitorous half moon is high in the blue sky, mindless of its broken promises, lovely moon.

Cooking & listening to music are up there for me with libraries as unalloyed goods, better done in company, but pretty great in any case.

Wishing you could think as well of yourself as I think of you, oh well.
Wish I were lying in a field with you, I know a nice one. Maybe you've been there. Boathouse across the lake.

Wish I were out in the sunshine alone or in company, anywhere at all, actually.

In server room instead, hum of giant air conditioner, fluorescents, grape soda, loss.
Came home for lunch to a package from my mom- audiobooks, M & Ms, dog biscuits, headphones & a poem by my grandma. It's under the name Henrietta Krupp, so I guess it's from her school where they didn't believe Yetta was a real name. Anyway, here it is:


By Henrietta Krupp

I sat in woods so deep and still
And to the trees I listened,
I harkened to the Whip-poor-will,
And watched the river glisten.

I heard the music of the wind,
Blowing a tumult through the trees,
I saw the birds their young attend
And watched the honey-making bees.

I watched the rustling of the trees,
I heard the murm'ring of the stream.
I saw the squirrels each other tease.
It seemed as if 'twas all a dream.

I miss my grandma.
In an uncharacteristically sensible fashion, working on reducing my intake of stimulants. Will be interesting to see if I stay functional. It's gotten a little extreme, almost certainly contributing to my feeling like crap, a little surprised to care enough about that to do anything about it.

Little snatches of poetry popping into my head now & again, nothing worth writing down, but it's something.

Should really look into renewing my farm share.
Lovely spring morning, actually feels good to be awake. Had some beautiful dreams that are making me cry, that's not bad, it's quite nice actually. Holding hands.

Damn, Okie from Muskogee, what the fuck's happened to me?

Slowly feeling more clever, after being twice as clever for a bit, it's probably natural to feel a bit slow. Getting back up to speed, still a bit wobbly.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Sucker for pretty eyes, sucker period. Been worrying myself sick over people who don't care if I live or die, could not, I suppose, would rather continue feeling like myself, sick or no. Reliable, stupid.

Been thinking about Peretz's friend Chloe who used to live down the street. Her owner was a roofer, went with him everywhere, leapt joyfully into his truck on the way to jobs, etc. Anyway, one day he died suddenly of pneumonia. Dog was never the same, sullen, standoffish, no interest in Peretz. Sad as hell.

Looks to be nice this weekend, maybe work in a trip to the seashore with P, watch the waves go by.
Ah, banality. Hurt, hurt, yeah, yeah.

Made some frozen cod, delightful.

Still no word on Cisco stuff, on with the daily grind.
Home for lunch, finished off soup from the other day, eating carrots. See, taking care of myself despite strong inclinations otherwise, for my next trick, pretending life isn't one long round of pain. Doing fine, fine, thanks, doing fine.

OK, into the woods with Peretz.
Still no login credentials for Cisco materials, argh.

Reaching a bit of a settled point in my thinking about things, it's a nice change. Can handle sadness much better than confusion, doesn't interfere with sleep, for instance. Got a little infected by others' obsessions, a danger of sympathy, think I've managed to sort out the things that have nothing to do with me, kept the sympathy pretty much intact. Had a lapse of judgment with some very unpleasant cascading consequences for myself and others, don't really blame myself for it, feel a bit stupid, still wish it hadn't turned out to be a lapse as it had a lot of really good points.

Working on reorganizing priorities, working through complex decision trees, sudoku helps.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Sparse rain, big cold drops, weirdly quiet apart from occasional distant thunder. Should go to bed, would like to spend more time outside.

More and more thunder, getting closer, flashes out the window.
Suffering the famous Valley Catarrh, bleh.

Haven't been able to get to my Cisco firewall activities due to inefficient payment processing system, irritating.

So a striking alignment of bodily & ethereal matters, I should start teaching retreats, "Uranus in Retrograde & Its Implications for etc., etc."
The thing is, I'm very much in love & in many ways it's quite amazing. Obviously it hasn't worked out that well and I'm hurt & fucked up & c., but there are these very warm feelings inside me doing interesting things. They're very honest, straightforward, stupid feelings, very out of the ordinary for me, can't do what I'd like with them, should do something nice, they deserve it. Thinking about someone being alive making intense waves of gladness wash through me, damn, it's something else.

Peretz is going nuts in the basement.
Physical state continues to deteriorate, seems like people may need sleep to thrive. Wrapped in a blanket with Peretz, warming up. Pretty wet & cold out.

Trying very hard to feel less sad, it's difficult, sometimes I manage it for a bit. Spending time with Chris was nice, but sort of hard, reminded me of how much I value my friends, afraid I wasn't much fun to visit with, feel kind of bad about it. Should try harder.
Being reduced to a piece in a pathological game someone is playing with themselves is pretty disconcerting. Amend that, actually, it's the usual course of business. When you think you're something other than that, it's disconcerting. Should probably work on thinking of myself as anything other than that. Not going to, but maybe I should.

If becoming less sick & dependent is too painful or frightening, maybe going back to being sick & dependent can seem like a return to health. Doesn't make it one, unfortunately.
A while ago some things happened & I really needed to be treated like a person. I wasn't. Not anybody's fault really, just needed something, didn't get it. Being a person is hard, seems like being a nonperson should be easy, it isn't.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Peggy couldn't make it cause her mom's sick, so it was Arizona Drains instead of Cherry Blossoms, still the best band going, felt great while they were playing, needed to go home right after, think I'm going to stay out of public for a while, it's too hard, nicer to be home with Peretz.

Can't seem to keep myself hydrated, no idea why.
Trying to find the humor in a situation I find deeply unfunny, there's far too much of the ridiculous about the whole thing for it not to be in there somewhere, at the very least being cast as a menacing figure when I can barely get out of bed in the morning should be good for a few chuckles. Maybe later.

Should head back over to Hampshire soon, can't remember feeling less like going out, oh well, friends are friends, some of them, anyway.
Went to Amherst to hang out with friends who are playing tonight at festival at Hampshire, nice to see them, went & saw Fat Worm play at festival, started feeling so sad that I thought I was going to throw up, so I came home for a while, will go see friends play later.

Feel really unwell, but I deserve it, right? Sweet justice.
I guess it's a pretty common experience of childhood to find a sick or injured animal, a bird, say, and try to help it. Generally it dies. If you somehow manage to nurse it back to health, it flies or hops or scurries away, never to be seen again, quite probably just to die somewhere else, given its frail health. That's about the best outcome one can hope for, but it's still quite sad.

I imagine these sorts of experiences are less common today, with the elevated sense of danger apparently being instilled in kids now (the decline of trick or treating being the most obvious example), hard to say if that's good or bad, hard to say what exactly one learns from such experiences.

Poor, sick bird.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Soup came out nice, seem to have fucked up my throat screaming earlier, maybe I can twist an ankle or something, make the experience complete.

Feeling pretty disgusted with things, probably not entirely reasonable of me, shocking.

Torn between watching cartoons and going to sleep, should probably go to sleep, will probably fall asleep watching cartoons.
Working on a bean soup, navy beans are quick soaking, chopped an onion, some garlic and 3 jalapeños in chopper, made a fine dice of some purple topped turnips and carrots, waiting for the beans to finish soaking. Raining now, big drops. Flushed & achy, had a Vitamin Water, should probably drink something else. Eyes hurt.

Keep feeling like I can't go on, I'll go on. Maybe read some Beckett.

Lying on the couch with Peretz, shaking a little, he keeps sighing.
Singing was fun once allowed to do it, spent a long time beforehand wandering around environs of venue, feeling tired, wishing they had a nap closet. Feeling kind of ill now, more music going on at Hampshire tonight, imagine I won't make it. Inside of nose hurts an awful lot.

Should figure out something to do about dinner.
Thinking about the lengths people will go to to lend plausibility to their unrealistic assessments of people and situations, avoiding the people, refusing to consider clearly relevant facts, basically resisting as much of their own experience as necessary to maintain the coherence of their beliefs. Seems like a lot of work without much in the way of real benefit to me.

Anyway, lovely day out, just back from a stroll down the Dirty Needles path with Peretz, going to do a crossword, then head to Amherst to sing my little broken heart out.
Weird night, barely slept at all- straight, contentless physical agitation, elevated heart rate, twitchy. Ick.

When people tell you they'll always be grateful to you for something, you can be pretty sure that they aren't and won't be, also that they're about to fuck you over.

Folie à deux, yikes.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Went out to see some music, was kind of nice, predictably got sort of sad & uncomfortable after a while & left. Ben Hersey had a very nice giant inflatable Grinch. Going to go play some music tomorrow, I guess. Friends coming to town too, that's pretty nice, hope I don't disappoint, been feeling pretty disappointing.

Sorry to seem so sad lately, there's actually quite a lot I'm very happy about, hard to explain really, forget I said anything.

I'm complicated & fascinating. Fuck fuck fuck.
Done with work for the week, just took P for a walk in the woods, probably a mistake, very slushy & muddy, feet are a bit damp.

Planning to spend next week learning about Cisco firewalls. In the friendly, sensible universe next door, alternate me will be travelling to Baltimore late in the week. Could have easily done both actually, maybe with a little less attention paid to each as a result, but I suppose as I'm stuck in a hostile, chaotic hell dimension, it probably makes sense to know as much about firewalls as humanly possible, maybe learn to automate handling of traffic like:

"Hi dbr, we'd really appreciate your treating our blind, unreasoning hatred of you with your usual sensitivity and understanding. We're also a bit concerned about the sort of response that certain deeply painful things we're planning to do to you might elicit, if you could offer any reassurance on this point, we'd feel a lot more comfortable going ahead.


Your Pals"

Going to go to town for lunch & challah now I think.
Thinking about the Magnavox Odyssey 2 I had as a child just now while walking Peretz. I presume my parents got it rather than an Atari for its greater educational value, it had a keyboard, game that taught arithmetic, etc. One of the most educational things about it was that by rapid cycling of the power, one could cause programs to load into memory improperly, mostly this would just lead to loud buzzing and a static or moving pattern on the screen, but sometimes there was a possibility of interaction, though nothing one would ordinarily think of as a game, generally no collision detection, for example. Reset reset reset.
Hard and fast beliefs about one's own limitations are almost always a sign of pathology, a short circuit of the process of understanding oneself. Nothing much is actually unthinkable, places where thought wants to stop are places worth looking into, in my experience, anyway.

Shivering masses of tics, patterns, dispositions- the stabilities in the apparatus actually make it safer to experiment on, most breakage is merely apparent & shows new possibilities, when looked at properly.

A good index of the state of one's mental health is the ability and the desire to try new things.
Feeling like I've been run over by a bus, sadly not the case, just life. Weird thing with sinus seems to be on its way out anyway, that's a plus.

Reading a Donald Davidson essay about action, it's no Plea for Excuses, but it's not bad.

Had some nice dreams last night, some of them pretty funny.

Thinking about Ed Emberley.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

So warm feelings of an intensity and depth quite new to me, still not quite sure what to make of them, but they don't seem to be going anywhere, imagine I'll figure something out.

Thinking about my affinity for people who've been very badly damaged- well, not all of them, the funny, clever ones mostly- it's kind of odd. I haven't really been that badly damaged, started out a bit broken, I think, a couple of things that I would call genuinely damaging along the way, one just recently, probably the worse of the two, but I'm still basically the same, just some cracks around the edges, really. Anyway, something to think about.

Thinking about how I started climbing out of my crib as a baby and my pediatrician told my parents to put a cover on it. They put a bed on the floor for me instead, nothing like good role models.
It's raining, should start looking for a bluebird pretty soon.

I wrote to a friend of mine a while ago that I was good in emergencies but bad at normal life. She took this totally the wrong way, of course. It's really only bad for me, hyperalertness just gets to be a real drag when there's nothing to be hyperalert about, it doesn't really have much of an effect one way or another on other people, not usually anyway. Then mostly they just get the benefit of more extensive planning than might be expected. Sometimes, when my guard's down, I tell people about what I'm thinking which can be annoying, I imagine, I certainly find it annoying thinking it a lot of the time.

So I was driving home from Hadley a while ago with a router and snacks & I got to thinking about some small windows of time last year when I felt perfectly safe. Thinking about this, it became strangely clear to me that the things that were making me feel perfectly safe were still the case despite changes in external circumstances & that I could focus my attention on them and feel that way pretty much whenever I liked. It's pretty neat, pity I get distracted.

Good to have a comrade.
Ditched & burned, oh well.

Feeling a lot more normal, or more like myself anyway, the past couple of days, more detached, abstracted. Still gets pretty strange when I try to sleep, brain & heart do some very bad things.

Knew what I was letting myself in for, dealing with it.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Some people have a thing for hurting people, getting hurt, usually the same people. Means a lot to them, means very little to me, hard to understand, hurt myself plenty without trying, other people too, I'm sure, not much of a kick for me.

Somehow seem to attract people like that, something to think about. Must be my honest face.

Thinking about an old professor of mine talking about his Eritrean Marxist college buddies use of 'dialectical' as a sort of generic endorsement, that's irony.
Well, that was sad. Not sure why I subject myself to it. No money to do more than they're doing, go and suggest things they can't afford, repeat every 6 months. Hell.

This time around I was so tired that I mostly let other people make the suggestions they have no money to implement.

Every day I die a little more inside, funny stuff. I don't know, not really, I can't tell what's going on with me anymore, things are strange, stranger all the time. Getting younger & older at once, the walls are receding or I am, I don't know.

Getting lots better at paying attention to things, getting lots better at sudoku.
Trying to prepare myself mentally for committee meeting, hard to tell if it's working, only one way to find out, I guess. Rubberstamping the transformation of disaffected hilltown teens into unemployable tech drones does give me kind of a warm glowy feeling inside.

Could be out in the sunshine.

Was happily mistaken about coincidence of assessment committee meeting and equinox, our fancy chicken wall calendar appears to have a lot of events off by a day this year. Still have to sit through the damn thing tonight, going to be a long day.

Feeling very fortunate, it's strange, such clear visions of overwhelming beauty are worth anything. Need to get to making things, maybe more light will help.
Welcome spring.

Was a damn cold night last night, saddest winter I can remember, kind of a rough trip between equinoxes generally, wouldn't have missed it.

Woken a while ago by a misbehaving sinus, hoping a very hot shower will help.

Peretz spent most of the night with me, nice to have company.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Got accused of a lot of unpleasant things a while ago, being a manipulative narcissist, having secret dire plans, etc., etc. Really though, the cruelest, most baseless and most offensive was an implication that I have a worldview. People, even the smartest, can be so fucking stupid.

Feeling worried about things I probably shouldn't be thinking about.

Don't need or want to understand, do anyway, wish I didn't.
Really wiped out. Should maybe just go to sleep.

I'm awful sad.
Woke from my five hours of restful slumber to email from work requiring my presence in Amherst, went there, fixed things, came back. Feeling pretty groggy.

Had some pretty dreadful nightmares, worse than this one, anyway.
Can't sleep, feel like I'm covered with bugs, heart racing. Pretty routine lately, still not very bearable. Very tired, head still hurts, sad & lonesome.

Yeah, yeah, oh woe is me. We report, you decide.

OK, going to give sleeping another go.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Feeling funny, residual headache, vision problems, foggy head. Nice coating of fresh wet snow outside, trees are pretty.

Pretty sick of feeling damaged, don't feel like being damaged any more, so if you're considering it, please don't. If you're doing it, please stop. If you've done it and are considering cleaning up the mess you made, please feel free.

There, I've asked nicely, generally works when people try that with me, not getting my hopes up.
I suppose if one has things one is terribly afraid of inside oneself and can manage to identify those things with another person, it makes a sort of sense to avoid that person. Probably not the best solution long-term, but might do in a pinch. Not something I can do, avoiding things that scare me tends to snowball into near total inability to function, I've had to learn to go at stuff like that head on for the most part, probably makes me a good target for projected fears, actually.

Managed to get outside with the dog a little, felt like I was being stabbed in the head, had to be done, did it. One more step back toward desired level of reliability.

Thinking about going to the Statue of Liberty with my grandma when I was little, how endless the stairs inside the body seemed, the rivets, the corrosion, the disappointing view from inside the head.
Woke up around 5 with a blinding migraine, managed to fall back asleep around 8, feeling pretty funny. Pretty sure these are brought on by a combination of stress and dehydration, the dehydration part should be easy to deal with anyway, for some reason seems not to be.

It's extremely bright outside, not sure how long before I'll be able to go out.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Keep falling apart, may not stop, different than before, better reasons. Don't guess it matters much, one of the good reasons.

A little more garbage atop the pile, teeming with vicious creatures. Oh, never mind.

Never mind, never mind.
Went over to T's parents for a while, her brother and his wife came up from Boston for a late celebration of T's birthday, had some very fancy bourbon, mushroom soup, tea. Felt very tired so came back home pretty quickly, now I'm thinking bad thoughts, shaking. Peretz needs to go out.

He keeps falling through the crust on the snow.

Feeling very worried.

Heard earlier from my dad that his dog Berkeley had eaten two flank steaks of a total weight of about three and a half pounds out of a bag on the way back from the grocery, bulging stomach, sheepish look. He's a good dog.
Heartsick, changing, but not getting better. Was feeling so much stronger & better, that's gone and has left me feeling permanently ill. Having a hard time standing it, nothing to do about it. I've never missed anyone so badly, interesting in a way, makes me feel like I had some good reasons for being so fucking stupid, a really surprising depth of feeling. It's very real and I've fallen into it, imagine whenever I hit the bottom, it's going to hurt, might be better than this vertigo.
Sleeping with the TV on appears to have helped, feeling a lot more normal this morning. Just read that an estimated one out of eight Iraq combat veterans have post-traumatic stress disorder, ain't it fun?

Peretz is perched on the couch, looking out the window. Now he's cleaning himself.

My pal Henry has worked himself into some fairly serious illness, also apparently has plans to name a child after me, made me cry, don't deserve it.
Snowing again, just out with P, beautiful, crystalline. Loud drunks, one telling another he needed to get a membership somewhere or other. Slippery. Peretz very interested in various holes in the snow.

Sadness & fear, scared to go to sleep, nightmares of yesterday were worse than I can really convey, don't want more, maybe if I fall asleep by the TV I'll have grating TV dreams instead.

Always time for taco night.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Watching incredibly godawful movie instead of cartoons, one of the worst soundtracks I can recall, will spare you its title, would only increase your risk of viewing it, morbidly curious, that's you, sunshine. Like to watch train wrecks.

I'm tired & I hurt, should be asleep, watching this crap, thinking.
Turns out I wasn't up to going out to get pizza, didn't have the heart to make anybody try to deliver one, our driveway is pretty slippery. Had an apple, slice of challah & cocoa instead. Pretty much the same thing.

Keep feeling my heart sinking, wish it would go under and stay there.

All in all, less unpleasant than the panics of last weekend. Fresh blanket of snow helps some.
Think I may not go back out later after all, getting sadder as the day drags on, sitting around crying, etc. Anyway, staying in watching cartoons with Peretz is looking better all the time. Maybe should get a pizza.

Oh, hell.
Went & caught Bunwinkies' set at the Flywheel thing, pretty in a relaxing sort of way, took my thoughts in some melancholy directions, made me not want to be out in a social situation any more, went & picked up some things to stirfry, came back home. Maybe go back later.

One of the many things I've learned about myself lately is that being profoundly in love can make me profoundly incautious in word & deed, been feeling not exactly guilty about that, bad & angry with myself, spend your life being very careful with people, fail to do that with the people you care most about when it matters most, fucking typical. Half wishing I could find my way back into the flattened emotional space that makes it easy to look after others, can't seem to, promised not to. Keep my promises, best way to stay myself with all these pieces missing.

Having a great time at the seaside, wish you were here.
Last day of Flywheel at its current location today, not sure how much, if any, of the festivities I'm going to attend, kind of sad, not sure how much sadder I need to make myself.

Got the snow off my car, thinking about having some cereal.
Have 'Run for your Life' stuck in my head, trying to come to terms with attitudes for which I have no sympathy, I guess, probably not worth bothering with. Really though, if you find yourself in a relationship with somebody who cares more about ego gratification than whether you live or die, you should really get the fuck out. Trying to displace it with 'Who'll be the Next in Line', more my speed.

Quite the winter wonderland outside, lots to explore.

Had lots of dreams last night about people dying, in accidents, by their own hand, from disease, at the hands of others- the main commonalities were that I was the one finding the body and that I could have prevented it from happening by being less stupid. Funny stuff.

Friday, March 16, 2007

This is the first and I imagine only snow of the season suitable for Peretz to leap about like a dolphin in, all the others have been too scant, too wet or too icy, he seems really happy, kind of worn out.

Drinking a lot more than normal, that's still not a lot, probably pretty normal. I think I'm getting more normal.

Me & P, two old men on the couch.

Feeling some pretty overwhelming love & affection, not much to do with it, that's all right.
Powder's piling up, a bit like the beach, Peretz digging in piles, calves hurt a little. Feet are colder though.

T got home safe, took a while, we had sandwiches, are going to watch movies.

Have a case of the sniffles.
Walked to Serio's in the snow & got some stuff to make sandwiches, asian-style fermented cabbage, etc. Really beautiful out but a bit slippery, hope T makes it home OK. Lots of people out.

Thinking of the seaside, long row of empty, palatial summer homes, dead skunk in the sand, I wish things were different.
Forgot to mention that I learned yesterday that T & I made a brief appearance on a recent episode of Phantom Gourmet, exemplars of Northampton's vibrant street life. Peretz is pissed.
Thinking about that scene in Geisha Boy (is it on a tarmac?) where Jerry Lewis keeps telling the adorable Japanese child to get lost, scram, that he doesn't love him anymore, etc. Mr. Wooley, Mr. Wooley. Sad. In the movies, these things mostly work out in proper sentimental fashion. Seen too damn many movies.
Gray & raw out, geese overhead, snow coming in. Enjoying the Ruskin, going to take a break from it to do some crossword puzzles, an erne under an onus & c.
Back from a whirlwind tour of email & logs, just cracked the Letters of John Ruskin to Charles Eliot Norton my brother sent me, ex libris, but who isn't?

Some funny bits from Norton's preface:

"In his later years much even of what he wrote for publication could not but cause regret to every reader of sensitive appreciation, as affording evidence of weakened faculty of judgment by its lack of self-control and becoming reticence."

"Though the background of his life was dark, many gleams of sunshine passed over its foreground."

"In spite of the poets, in spite of modern usage, in spite of Ruskin's own example, I hold with those who believe that there are sanctities in love and life to be kept in privacy inviolate."

Good old Ruskin.
Got some sleep with the aid of Benadryl, feeling pretty OK.

Nice talking with Cooper last night, Pisces Pigs stick together & all that. Need to get him some pie.

Settling back into my normal odd outlook, more or less, not a worldview so much, just getting by. Anyway, I think you're peachy, take care of yourself, OK?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Was nice to get out of the house, show was pleasantly uncrowded, nice chats with folks about varied subjects, new fish 'n' chip place in Holyoke, personal demons, pie, music took me away from myself a bit, should find some more unselfing activities.

Heard yesterday that my pal Chris back in Nashville may no longer be able to do shows at the art space where he's been doing shows as he let some kid do a show there while he was out of town and one of the kid's friends took somebody else's art and destroyed it on video, was arrested, etc. Heard this from another friend, but spoke to Chris a couple weeks ago and he was already pretty bummed out, down on himself, usual crap. He's going to be up here playing music next weekend, maybe that'll cheer him up?

Planning to go into work early tomorrow, not tired at all right now, should be interesting.
Just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, nothing like a little psychiatric romance to lift my spirits. Allergies still going strong, about to go out to see Barn Owl, should be an enjoyably empty show, maybe not, we'll see.

Snowstorm on for tomorrow and the next day apparently, looking forward to it.

Peretz has been wanting out unusually often, T says maybe he's getting old.
Trying to gauge the effects of having felt genuinely happy for a while. It's unusual enough to merit prolonged reflection, soft focus, vivid colors, sense of purpose, all very odd. Back in cruel twilight now, of course, everything sharp edged, puzzling. I think on the whole the change was beneficial, not as beneficial as a permanent one would have been, but still pretty eye opening. Under the right circumstances, I can want some pretty normal things. With the stars back out of alignment, hard to tell what I want, feels pretty normal too, comforting in its own way.

Told T the other day that if acting like yourself drives people off, you want it to. Should get better at following my own advice, it's generally pretty sound.
Took a walk into town, got caught in the rain, sharpened perceptions in no need of sharpening. Wishing I were a gentler creature, not so dark, prickly & difficult, not much hope of that, still love you folks, maybe better if you don't touch. See too fucking much, need to learn to keep it to myself or maybe dress it up differently. Not much hope of that.

Nose itching crazily, tempting to cut it off, face could use some spiting anyway.
Wet weather has brought on another bout of allergies, sneezing my head off.

Out of work early, trying to decide what to do with myself, oil change? Maybe go pick up a pamphlet on 'Coping with a Loved One's Severe Mental Illness' from the local support-o-mart, maybe write one.

Had some remarkably beautiful dreams last night, didn't want to get up.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Playing card games on the computer, thinking about various people I love far away trapped in nightmares of their own making, rain scented air coming in the open window, Peretz licking my ankle, T talking on the phone to the fourth or fifth Russian pal of the night.

Time to make plans.

Or read a book, maybe.
Just made spicy beans 'n' rice thing to eat on tortillas, feeling a bit flushed, maybe the warm weather's behind that, had a funny headache earlier as well. Spent a good deal of today thinking about philosophy stuff no one cares about, trying to renew my interests in things no one cares about, better for everyone.

Had a nice chat with coworker about my resistance to Orwell's recommendations for quality prose, the role of the concept of production in architectural theory, the hideous senior center being built across the street. In further developments on the architectural theory front, received a 2 volume set of Ruskin's letters to somebody or other in the mail from my brother today, should be a ripping good read.

Feel like I've been at work without a break for the past two weeks, it's partially reflective of reality, but mostly a result of spending so much of my time away from work in nightmarish anxiety states best forgotten, those seem to have died down for the moment, now I'm just tired and bored.
Hazy sun this morning, actually slept pretty well, thoughts are settling down a bit, it seems. Hoping that means I'll have more luck reading, it makes me feel a lot better when I manage to do it.

Way too much business with timestamps and the like this week, a lot of that going around. Kind of wishing for a life less intimately involved with computers, not counting on it, no money in being People's Poet. Maybe can work in more tweaking of the plutocrats and their lackeys in my spare time.

No facts about the world imply any particular reaction.

I hear yesterday was the anniversary of the discovery of Uranus.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Did some quality thinking on walk with P just now, heading on my way to feeling less tormented, long trip, but I'll get there. Sometimes it doesn't do to care too much what people think of you, no matter how much you might care about them. Easier to say than do, of course.

Anyway, love all around, take care of yourselves, if you can, other people too, maybe.

Powerful sleepy, maybe will make it an early night.
Sounds like sweet guy from work who was in accident yesterday may have a severed spine.

Nightmare never stops, fragile things, rough world.
Peretz just had a nice interaction with a totally color blind woman who wanted to know if he was black & white, always glad to oblige.

Ah, T's home, going out to dinner.
Came home early due to last night's adventure, feeling pretty beat, need to go back in later to reboot a server.

Strangely warm out, disorienting. Anyway, slogging along.
Fell asleep nicely last night, got called into work shortly after, had a hell of a time falling back asleep. Was woken a little while ago by a phone call from my boss telling me that a really sweet guy who works in our art department was hit by an SUV last night and is in ICU.

Talked to Dooley last night, may actually play some music next week, we'll see.

Making abusive phone calls to grieving people has got to up there with baby rape and animal torture as a thing better not done, amazing the things people will do if sufficiently upset.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Sometimes people don't get better. It sucks.

Me, I'm pretty fucked up right now, but basically sound. Sick of people hurting one another, but not really sick. Etc., etc. Being upset is boring, sorry.

Poor, sick little Stinktier- careful, she bites.
Feeling sedated, a couple months of sleep deprivation finally catching up to me, I guess, maybe I'll actually sleep properly, avoid nightmares if I'm lucky. Wheeeee.

Hello, sunshine.
Apparently everyone in the house has a digestive disturbance, including Peretz, who, a short time ago, released an odor of a foulness, to the best of my recollection, unique in my experience. Just back from taking him on his second walk in the past hour, now he's gone down to the basement. Barking hysterically, very excited.

Had a sandwich, feeling a lot better than I did this time yesterday, work's a gas.
Home for lunch, upset nervous system has given way to an upset stomach, very unpleasant, still an improvement.

Think the last of the DST business has been sorted, we'll see.

Strangely warm out, trying to think of somewhere to take P that won't be too muddy.

Feeling nicely internally consistent anyway.
Thick head, wish I were still in bed.

Thinking about things best not thought about, lovely things that won't happen, in a way it's useful, maybe can come up with some other lovely things to angle for, still have a strong sense of beauty, we'll see what happens.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Waves of horrific pain, getting worse if anything, maybe a bit less frequent, a burning sadness, not really much left of me, don't much care. When it gets severe enough, there's an interesting detached calm, soldier lying down in the snow.


Oh, well, Peretz seems to be feeling better, anyway.
Peretz is acting strange, desperately needed to go out a little while ago despite having been out only about an hour before, now he's looking at me like he might need to go out again, we got back about 10 minutes ago, hope he's OK.

T should be getting back from her weekend excursion around 10, looking forward to seeing her, been feeling lonesome.
Watching The Shining on TV, pretty lovely. Feeling sick and sad. Had some cocoa, nutritious soup, only helped for a little while. Heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest, kind of wish it would.

Weekends haven't been offering much in the way of r & r lately, a lot harder than work, actually. Time piles up, it's crushing me.
Feeling shaky again, went for a walk in town to try to relax, ended up making me feel more jumpy. Wish it would stop. Chills, too. Hello, blanket.
Not sure why I should find being used and thrown away so disturbing, it's a common enough experience, after all. Should probably just be glad to have been able to be useful for a while and go find some other way to be useful. The first part is easy, I am glad. The problem with the second bit is that I seem to have lost the capacity to trust others enough to be much use to them. This is pretty unreasonable, it's just a couple cases of people I thought of as highly trustworthy proving to be quite otherwise and even in those cases, severe mental illness played a large role and I'm quite aware that that can make the best people do some really repulsive things. The effect has been what it's been though and I don't seem able to talk myself out of it. Thinking about the discussion in The Body in Pain of torturers' preference for common household objects as torture implements. I thought I was someplace safe.
Minor DST-related chaos at work, nothing too serious, still a pain.

Feeling less alarmed today, hope that continues for a bit.

Trying to cultivate love for all sentient beings, think the soil may be a bit alkaline.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Didn't manage a nap but between reading, peppermint tea and valerian managed to calm down a bit. Just took a walk with P in the light rain, nice rainy smell outside, need to head over to work for a little DST-related business in a bit. No rest for the wicked.

OK, back to my evil works.
Puking made me feel better for a little while, back to being tortured by my nervous system now, tried to take a nap, may try to do that some more shortly. Can't stop shaking. Miseries' increase is mercy pity peace.
On my way to the bank, ran into Neil and Fafnir on their way to the funeral of a baby of friends of theirs. So, things could be worse and, in fact, are.

On the plus side, managed to make it home to throw up. Going to spend as much of the rest of the day as possible in a blanket. Rough world for babies.
Feeling really unwell, heart racing, broken. Crying. Should go do something, probably. Can't think very successfully, have a check to put in the bank, could go do that, I guess. Maybe knowing more about pain will come in handy sometime.
I've been hurt very badly. The person who did that doesn't appear to care, apparently isn't able to care or appear to, anyway. Periodically, that's been making me feel not quite real, like pieces of me are missing. Worse for the other person, I imagine, shit.

Wish I had a good way to stop loving and caring, can't swing it, sorry for the imposition.

Ah, TV Diner with Billy Costa.
Just realized that I'm going to be spending the evening of the vernal equinox at an advisory committee meeting.

Letting that sink in.

Really wanted to sleep in this morning, didn't manage it, woke at the normal time in a state of extreme panic instead. Things are broken inside me that I can't fix, nobody's fault but mine.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Making and eating nutritious soup has left me feeling a lot less dazed, will probably eat some nutritious blueberry pie in a while. I stay alone, eat health food at home. Feeling pretty good, actually.

Peretz is going nuts in the basement.

Now he's back, wants attention.
Pierogi Queen has come to Bashista, had nice chat with owners about Polish Delicatessen.

Quick soaking white beans for nutritious Portuguese-type soup, trying to get back to cooking, should really renew farm share, was very excited to find Greens cookbook with large number of squash recipes I'd been unable to find in the fall (it was on a shelf, go figure).
Done with work, till tomorrow night anyway, went to town and had some Thai noodles, feeling sedated, took the dog for a long walk, landscape sliding by, silence beneath the sounds of traffic, melting ice. Looking through a fisheye lens. Should probably take a nap, probably won't.

Performing a mental inventory of beloved things & people, it's comforting, there's a lot to like.

Maybe a trip to Bashista?
Watching someone you love & admire fall apart has got to be one of life's worst experiences, maybe worse than watching such people die a lingering & painful death. So much of our adaptability and flexibility is just a matter of confidence, people get afraid, freeze up rigidly & shake themselves to bits. Seen too much of it.

Would really like to go play some skee ball, maybe try a new strategy (I tend to follow a conservative policy of consistent 30s, leads to a highish score, but nothing spectacular), the sound of the balls is so satisfying.
Writing happy little nonsense poems in my head, not bothering about writing them down, keeping myself to myself, somewhat, anyway. Been eating a lot of apples. Need to go get more cocoa.

Moving slowly this morning, thinking about metaphor, guilt. Suspicious of the first, no use for the second, pretty much.

Feeling jealous of people who can easily generate long, fanciful lists.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Constantly doubled, floating eye, sees a lot, sees things as they are, pretty much, sees through itself, sees all around; ungainly physical presence, bag of meat, mass of desires, feelings, whatever- turbulent, rustling- sometimes it gets to be too much and the eye spins around, things lose form and substance, dizzy, nauseated. Afterwards, the eye sees new things it didn't notice before, just how beautiful you are, for instance.

Yes, I've been hitting the Old Krupnik, little songs in my head, thoughts of a doe in the moonlight.
Grilled cheese, magical. Tired as hell, watching a movie about stealing from the mob, Alvin & the Chipmunks on the soundtrack.

Icy outside, warm inside with Peretz, he's a good dog.
Came home and made myself a couple of sandwiches with a hothouse tomato, pretty good. Couldn't find a cable I wanted, need to walk the dog, go to Amherst for the third time in as many days, etc., etc.

Actually getting so I'm not sad some of the time, pretty awesome. Still bored silly.
Thinking about walking by the sea with someone I love, little animals, big world. The sound of the water, the light. Holding hands. Washed away now, receding into the distance. Not being able to see things clearly doesn't make them any less beautiful.

To be able to be very happy, but too sick to sustain it, it's damn sad.
Feeling stupid, feelings make me stupid, things to do, can't be stupid. Poor judgment hurts people, no more poor judgment.

Had an interesting mix of nightmares and other sorts of dreams last night, much more interesting than my life. Still not sleeping very well, no longer having any trouble getting up. I developed a lot of discipline over years of not wanting to do anything, it's coming back, hoooooo-ray?

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Cocoa, cocoa, OK! Also burrito, decadence. Ever since coming home with burritos, Peretz has been going bananas, not as much as when T brought the traditional air dried Russian fish, but still pretty excited.

Thumb I smashed yesterday is bothering me, all sorts of odd little pains.

Ready for workweek to be over, not that I have much of anything else to do. Did get back to my Pynchon book for a bit yesterday, that was pretty nice, maybe more of that.
Painful pimple inside my nose, spent the afternoon wrestling with antivirus software, before that took Peretz for a lunchtime exploration in the woods. Feeling strangely good, thinking cocoa will make me feel even better, maybe in a little while.

Things are a little formless right now, not really anything new, working on it.
Still a nervous wreck, managing a little more detachment from it, I think, just assuming panics are going to accompany attempts to sleep, etc. Slowly resolidifying in the untrustworthy world in which I find myself, again. Hope is for suckers, right?

Feeling very affectionate.

Maybe what they say is true of war and war's alarms.

Counting myself lucky.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Fucked up my thumb on a computer case at work, still way too cold for P's feet, reading postapocalyptic scifi, thinking about beautiful things. Brain's a bit of a mess. Zap, zap.
Adequate sleep does wonders for one's outlook, first time in recent memory I've gotten it on a weeknight. Trying to move ahead, it's hard, I really didn't need to get any more broken than I already was, have some ideas, but I think most of them will need to wait on it being easier to get up in the morning. Spending a lot of time lost in memory, had some really beautiful experiences a while ago, trying to draw something useful from them, no concrete results as yet.
Hurting other people in order to observe their reactions to being hurt can be very informative, still a shitty thing to do. Not really sure of the quality of the information elicited either, how generalizable it is. People tend to overemphasize the importance of edge cases. Thinking about something Bourdieu wrote about his ethnographic research in Algeria, about how people become very legalistic when you ask them directly about things like kinship systems, spend a lot of time discussing the tricky parts, stuff that never happens. How things are in practice is quite different.

Hoping I'm wrong about some things that are worrying me, probably not, unfortunately.

It's painfully cold out, Peretz dissatisfied with his short walk, any longer and his paws would've frozen up, sorry, guy.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Peretz is playing with his rope, he hasn't done that in a long time, despite the chill wind, spring is coming.

OK, off to play tug.
Having a cocoa, thoughts are settling down, back to being plain old sad, worried about others, unmotivated, lonely. Wind blowing hard outside, supposed to get very cold tonight, planning to turn in early, early day at work tomorrow.

Cocoa is great stuff.

Should probably start thinking about dinner.
At work feeling really ill, barely slept last night, had nightmares when I did, having some ginger ale in hopes it will settle my stomach, would like to go home and have some lunch, waiting for visiting tech to leave.

People treating me like I'm disposable makes me feel like I am, it doesn't really matter how clearly I realize it's their problem, maybe there's some clever way for me to see dehumanization as liberatory, not feeling too clever lately unfortunately.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Just walked the dog, hoping it'll hold him for the night, just want to lie still & be warm.

I'm broken. Skip, skip. Learned English from listening to a broken record, etc., etc.

Peretz is here, he's warm.
Went for a walk, didn't help with the panic, but now I have coffee, cash, chills, planning to spend as much of the rest of the day as possible wrapped in a blanket.

Walking got me thinking, thinking made me sad, guy at the counter at the quicky mart asked if I was OK, pathetic, embarrassing, etc. Hurt doesn't stop, mostly less bad than now, at least.

Going to try to read.
Having fairly severe panic episode, not about anything, seizing on anything it comes across, mostly that's me. Wishing I could read or something, racing heart grabs too much of my attention, wish it would stop.

Keep trying to pick myself up, dust myself off, not going to happen, seems like.
Need to figure out a new place to buy coffee as Table & Vine is shutting down, not making much progress thinking about it.

Feeling just incredibly heartbroken, don't know what to do with myself, feel lousy, I guess.

Got dog food, dog biscuits, should take the dog for another walk soon.
Three crows picking around the garbage cans out my window. Spent much too much time in bed.

Sad round, need a new soundtrack.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Peppermint tea, spent some time curled up in a ball earlier during the eclipse I couldn't see, can see the full moon behind the trees out the window now, been beaming love up at it hoping the reflections will improve things, doesn't seem to have been doing much good. Peretz is working on some sort of amplifier, maybe that'll help.
Got a surprising amount done on the household chore front, once done, darkness closed in, head started hurting, took a shower, helped a little, not that much. It's no use.

Been writing poems and then deleting them so they won't harm anyone.
Actually managed to wash a bunch of dishes, listening to the Smiths, but "Ask" came on and I had to stop, oh fuck. Doing laundry also, considering repairing the range fan. Been feeling unable to leave the house much of the time, interacting with others has gotten frightening again, wondering how long that will last, past experience suggests 2-3 years, shit.

Trying to work my way back into hobbies that don't involve being around people, reading has been nice, too scattered to do that a lot of the time though, also feel like I should be doing something productive, however futile that might be. Hard to find time to work things in between work and being a batty emotional cripple, sigh.
Spent the morning crying and doing crossword puzzles. Should probably be catching up on household tasks, highly unmotivated. Changing lightbulbs, washing dishes, doing laundry, etc., etc. Lying on couch in a panic with Peretz asleep beneath my legs instead.

Maybe do the dishes while listening to music?

Friday, March 02, 2007

Drinking ice cold Old Krupnik from a bee decorated tumbler, was hearing about Greenfield Public Access polka programming earlier while at an art opening, time for another trip to Ludlow?

Signs point to yes.

Looks like weather's likely to interfere with my viewing of tomorrow's eclipse, been missing a lot of celestial phenomena lately, excessive cloud cover, terrestrial concerns. Wonder if any orbital weapons platforms are in need of a sysadmin.
Hello again, I've come back.

After a prolonged spell of being all too human, became alarmingly inhuman for a bit & the confessional mode of this thing seemed a bit much, also I was planning to stop, best laid plans & c.

Anyway, here I am again.

Been doing a lot of thinking through the minimal winter, want a lot of things I can't have, thinking badly of people I'd like to think well of, folding & unfolding, a throbbing blind spot. Crap.

Just back from a walk with Peretz, ice & rain have left the pavements a skating rink, nearly fell several times, maybe later.

Your little dinosaur, man oh man.