Friday, October 21, 2016

Hi, sorry to attempt to communicate indirectly like this, but directly is out for obvious reasons and I have some things to say that I hope might be helpful for you to know, if they are instead intrusive, I'd like to say sorry in advance and maybe don't read any further.

It became very clear to me in the middle of the night last night that at this time ten years ago, as well as well before that, and since, I was suffering from the same disorder you had at the time which I very much hope is now at least somewhat better. I want it to be very clear that this is in no way attributable to you, it is pretty clearly due to an experience I had just before I turned 18 with my girlfriend at the time, whom I loved very much, and who suffered from what seem to be in retrospect both borderline personality and dissociative identity disorders due to some very severe abuse she suffered in early childhood. The only person really to blame is a bad babysitter who indulged himself in some extremely repulsive behavior some time around 1975.

I believe the appropriate diagnosis was missed in my case by both psychiatrists and myself due to my preexisting anxiety/panic disorder. It has only become clear to me now in retrospect as I have been experiencing a very severe psychological crisis for the past month and a half, and last night woke from night terrors the subject of which, I'm sorry to say, were your night terrors.

I want to convey my extreme sorrow at having subjected you to some pretty highly disorganized behavior ten years ago. I'm also pretty sad that you did the same to me, but hold no negative feelings toward you whatever, nor have I ever held any such feelings toward you unless in the grip of highly irrational frames of mind of a kind with which I believe you are also intimately familiar. I would have done much better had I been able, I'm very sorry I wasn't.

The troubling things which passed between us at that time retain a pretty strong hold on my mind and my sadness over the loss of our friendship is difficult for me to describe. I considered you for many years my closest and dearest friend and that loss has been at many times nearly unbearable. I genuinely wish you the best in all things and hope that your life is deeply satisfying and as you would like it to be.

If you should feel any desire to communicate with me, I would certainly welcome it, regardless of what you might feel like saying. My cell number and email address remain the same and will continue to remain so indefinitely. No pressure, just an opening if you want one.



Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Oh, gosh, well this is uncomfortable...

Spent a long time not really able to write. Kind of mentally disorganized around everything that wasn't work, been getting a bit less that way, I guess.

The past few days, there have been a number of suicides in my social vicinity. While I'm very saddened by this, it hasn't thrown me into the incoherent panic spiral it once would have.

Old and boring.

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Coming out of a long, long fog. It's been a slow emergence, over the past couple of years, really. Anyway, I'm out and having a fresh look around.

I'm noticing patterns in my life of encountering incomprehensible horror, finding something to focus on and looking for an escape route. When I was a kid it was: Hiroshima, Holocaust, Pol Pot, Reagan; mathematics; science fiction. Then it was: deeply troubled friends and girlfriends; philosophy; experimental music. After that: my own anxiety disorder; computer systems; performance art. Right now I'm lead planner on the transition and turnaround of two fairly major organizations, one a food co-op, the other a contemporary arts org.  I'm waking up too early to think about planning, it's getting better all the time and I hope to be sleeping better soon. Not sure of my escape route but hoping it involves more cooking and swimming.

Everything piles up, nothing ever goes away. I have favored approaches: DIY, open source, cooperation. So some of the piles are falling in place, maybe even nicely. I have too many projects with detailed planning; I'm negotiating, refining and assessing delegation and investment options. I have a new little dog who squeaks and paces and jumps on my computer as I type. Maybe my whole family is going to move here. Maybe far off friends will come as well.

Everything's a mess, it's all beautiful and real.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Lots of changes. I'm now an IT manager. We have a lakefront cottage. I have a new and different dog.

Feels natural and alienating by turns.

Up early, as I now uniformly am, woken by Ada jumping on my face.  Later, the dogs are off to spa, parents are arriving from Maine, taking them to cottage tomorrow.

L is out at cottage already, her phone lost beneath the lake, likely safe in waterproof case, but unresponsive. Maybe I should pick up a new one for her later.

Also later, outdoor show in Eastern Equine Encephalitis zone.

I may go buy some local peaches and milk shortly. It's later than you think.

Recent weeks, thoughts have been dominated by friend on a death trip, so also, same old, same old.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Finally reviewing recordings from February. Seems like it's back to real job soon. One big time slip.

Have a new dog, have a cottage by lake, have almost nothing to say.

Giant rush of spring work has ebbed, wish I could sleep more.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Blurry.  Lots to do today and then driving to Syracuse.

Juggling too many things and not doing anything very well.  Trying to figure out how to simplify work commitments and still eat, pay bills, etc.

Very nice co-worker I trained last summer died of cancer a couple days ago, in her 30s, sucks.

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Feeling a bit of a wreck, sad, stomach bug, irregular sleep, impaired vision, too much stuff I should be doing that requires adequate sleep and vision. Maybe new glasses will show up one of these days, anyway.

Went & got Peretz's ashes from the vet yesterday, nice wooden box, roses, etc.  Will maybe do something with them next I see T., meantime they sit sadly on a shelf.

About to go out for a nice salad or something.  Maybe some tea.