Monday, August 20, 2007

Checked work email, showered, more coffee. Slowly coming together.

It's my parents' 39th anniversary today. Happy anniversary.

Should be a big day for routine at work, stuff piles up over the weekend. Need to pick up farm share at some point.

After work, thinking of making a peach bread pudding with the remaining Portuguese crusty bread, use sweetened condensed milk to add a hint of caramel. Come by & have some if you like, I'll make tea.
T's been flying a kite.

Can't stop crying.
Didn't sleep much, lay awake for a long time, mind racing. Woke very early with stomach cramps, lay there hoping they'd go away for a while, finally gave up, here I am again. Another day, another dollar.

Conception, implementation, maintenance. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Peretz seemed momentarily concerned, he's curled up into a ball again. He seems happier when I stay in my room.

Ritual behaviors can be a comfort.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Finished off a bottle of John Powers Irish Whiskey, all part of the cleanup process.

Thinking again about the systematic confusion of Kronos and Chronos, funny how human minds tend to lend a quality of necessity to chance conjunctions. Time, devourer of children.

Been burning a candle on the kitchen counter, shot some video of it with my digital camera, wasn't happy with it, threw it away.
Went through my entire stock of Astaire/Rogers movies, have moved on to Bringing Up Baby, all-time favorite, leopards in Connecticut, so true to life it's painful, lost track of how many times I've seen it, more than a hundred anyway.

While cleaning off corner table earlier, found little bowl of black rocks of T's, very dusty, washed them off, put them in a place of pride in the window. Be careful in the big city, T, come visit soon.
Peppermint tea.

Preparing to get on with things, a grim fellow on grim business. Should be good for a laugh or two.

Wishing I had some actually effective pain killers on hand, hurt all over.

Maybe another bath?

Calgon, take me away. Sounds kind of like a giant killer robot, Mighty Calgon, appropriate.

Thinking about this James Thurber story, wow, has a glossary & a quiz & everything. Serious business.
Walking around Smith PhysPlant dumping area with Peretz, appropriate spot for the two of us. Add us to the total garbage disposed of by Americans, average it out, we're not even a blip. Most of what gets thrown away, as I imagine you're aware, isn't really garbage as such, one could make quite a fine living off others' leavings, many do.

Anyway, walking around Smith PhysPlant dumping area, feeling worried, thinking about being worried. I know you don't want me to be worried, I'm really sorry, it's not really voluntary, one of the more involuntary things I've ever been subjected to, actually. Suppose talking about it is voluntary, but then, so's your reading about it. Going to stop talking about it quite shortly if that's any help. Perfectly welcome to give me some reason to think you're happy & doing well, of course, can't tell you how much I'd like to be able to think that. Well, I'd like it an awful lot.

Crying again, closing my eyes, trying to stop, trying to stop.
Eggplant's yummy, cardamomy, numbs the tongue, imagine I'll be saying even stupider things than usual momentarily.

Maybe I'll just say them to Peretz, he's very understanding of my idiosyncrasies.
Ever been told by the same person at roughly the same time that someone else is both perfectly loving & forgiving & also resents you so badly that you should make major sacrifices out of respect for their resentment? I have.

It's a wonder people's heads don't explode, it's a wonder mine doesn't.

Watching Shall We Dance?, going to get started on eggplant curry in a bit, think I'm going to make it with egg noodles. Something my dad does.

Seems like if I don't want to be incredibly wasteful, I'm going to be more or less a vegetarian while farm share lasts. Not like me, but what is?

I'm a precious snowflake.
Did still more cleaning while half watching Top Hat, should really watch it properly, the way the confusion of identities is prolonged is quite instructive. Not just with respect to plot devices, but also actual life. Spent far too long being mistaken for what I am not to expect a comic resolution, unfortunately. Maybe with judicious use of devices? Good with devices, iterated synecdoche, conceptual paronomasia, implicit chiasmus, whatever you like, dear.

Check out the corner, T:

Listening to the Kim Fowley produced version of the first Modern Lovers LP- she cracked, I'm sad, but I won't.
Went & had a look at coveted property, really amazing light, large eccentric internal spaces suggestive of a wide variety of interesting uses, would require a great deal of effort to be made habitable (e.g., ancient gas oven is sole heat source, no shower). Probably more work than I want to do, still tempted by it, going to let it sit on the market and see what happens and how I feel about it, keep looking at three families. Took some snaps of the interior.

Went by Big E's after to get some garlic, strangely they were fresh out. Need to do something else with my eggplants, I guess, a curry maybe, perhaps with a touch of cardamom. Got nice local peaches, dry beans, local milk, Berry Berry Kix, snickerdoodles, yogurt, onion & tomatoes for curry, cheddar cheese. Got some prefabricated cheese blintzes that I'm going to heat up in a minute for a melancholy solo brunch. Really like Big E's, makes the weird old house/bakery more tempting.

Really in a great deal of pain, not just emotional, nice change in a way, provides an opportunity to compare & contrast.

Will maybe watch Top Hat while I eat my blintzes.
Feel as though I was run over by truck sometime during the night, also mouse family seems to have had tea party in my mouth.

Going to go have a look at house that interests me strangely in a little while.

Should probably make an effort to do less cooking and cleaning today.

Peretz is looking at me, one ear swept back, our little Rosita.

Singing a little song to myself.
Agitated, in horrible pain, can't sleep.

Watched Swing Time for a bit, decided that a hot bath might be relaxing, barely ever take baths, haven't much since my legs got to be about the same length as the average bathtub, they always make me think of taking baths as a little kid, dreaming of other worlds. Let that happen, pretty nice.

Back to watching Swing Time.
"There may be trouble ahead
But while there's moonlight and music
And love and romance
Let's face the music and dance.

Before the fiddlers have fled
Before they ask us to pay the bill
And while we still
Have the chance
Let's face the music and dance.

We'll be without the moon
Humming a diff'rent tune
And then

There may be teardrops to shed
So while there's moonlight and music
And love and romance
Let's face the music and dance."

Made me cry.

For such a clever lad, I sure am a big fucking sap.
Tried to watch Follow the Fleet, started cleaning again. Decided I'd done enough cleaning, went over to work & rebooted some servers. Came back, Peretz was upset with me for having gone away, tried to watch Follow the Fleet, started cleaning again.

Back to trying to watch Follow the Fleet now, favorite number on now, "I'm Putting All my Eggs in One Basket"- think that may be my favorite Astaire/Rogers number period, actually. Rather than paying attention to it, I'm doing this. A bit scattered.

Ah, the magic of rewind. Should set to applying that to actual life. Already works with me, of course, just need to ask and let me know where I need to get back to, fine memory, eager to please. Must be some way to make things that way generally, maybe Peretz has some preliminary designs, he does for most everything, the clever dog, regular Mr. Peabody.

Shit, I'll need to rewind again.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Byoo-oo-tiful Sou-ou-oup!

Quite tasty, goes nicely with the Portuguese crusty bread. Feeling a bit less fucked up, nothing quite like nutritious soup.

I have too much, not just soup, really need people to share with.

Gave Peretz some bread anyway.
Wow, that was a lot of vegetables to dice, carrots, turnip, onion, sweet red peppers, jalapeños, zucchinis. Kind of light headed. Soup is simmering now, going to add some cilantro pesto I made when it's done.

Really, really light headed actually, seeing stars, making wishes on them.

Thinking on walk with P about how I'm going to stop doing this soon. Very important to me that certain people realize that I'm going to be around doing my thing regardless, I'd say you know who you are, for the most part, anyway. Same old, same old. Painful dragging through each day, trying to keep myself interested, trying to keep myself in a fit state so that if anybody needs a hand with something, needs some slack picked up, needs help exploring disturbing areas of their psyche they usually choose to avoid, whatever, I can hop to with a friendly 'Right-ho!' and do my best to be surprisingly effective. Maybe you don't want to hear about that, but that's how it is & that's how it's going to stay. Deal with it.

Whole body's pulsing, throbbing. Think I may have kind of overdone it today.
Lamson & Goodnow has new, horribly inconvenient hours, wonder if they're going to go out of business. Anyway, apparently it'll be Thursday before I can get the ceramic utensil holders I want.

Listening to 'Ever Fallen in Love with Someone (You Shouldn't've)?' Maybe it's a good sign that it's making me laugh? Now it's 'Is She Really Going Out with Him?' Can't stop giggling. Really, like a little girl.

Can't decide whether to start on my soup or take the dog out. Need to do some more dishes before making soup, so maybe dishes, Peretz's needs, soup. Think that's a plan. Decisive, effective, strong, capable.

Snorted through the giggles.

Love ya.
Photographic evidence of progress of cleaning, might not seem like much of an improvement, but it is.

Got distracted from movie by compulsive urge to clean, sort of half watched it anyway, shelf in kitchen is now much more presentable, thinking about getting some new containers for utensils, should maybe swing by the Lamson & Goodnow, wonder how late they're open. Think if I got rid of all the kitchen stuff other people have left behind, might actually have room to put my stuff away properly, it's a bit of a project, definitely not up to holding a tag sale, not sure who to give the stuff to as I have no interest in giving anything to bigots.

Going to go to town in a minute, want to come with? We could hold hands & act goofy. No?

Will have to make do with imaginary friends, then. Not to worry, I'm good at it.
Excruciatingly painful headache, washed dishes, walked around with P, now watching The Barkleys of Broadway, plans for later include walking to town to deposit dividend check I misplaced while severely distressed back in March, watching more Astaire/Rogers movies, making vegetable soup, playing Scrabble.

So many new ways of being coming along pretty much all at once, T gone, gotten quite used to this excessive self-documentary activity which I'm going to stop quite soon, equinox approaching, etc. Mostly though it's a new way of being that I briefly expected to come along but didn't that's throwing me. I imagine I'll figure out something to do with myself.

Working on it anyway.
Went to El Guanaco for pupusas & fried plaintains, hadn't been there in ages, food's still tasty & cheap, service still strange & wonderful. Headed to Ludlow for local soda after, went down 33 past Dairy Queen to which, as far as historians can reconstruct from documents surviving the burning of the Library at Alexandria, I have never been.

Got myself a very straightforward assortment of quart soda bottles, equal parts Orange Dry, Half Grapefruit/Half Lemon, Pale Dry Ginger Ale. On the way out, noticed there were some new types of the small bottle, with labels of long dead soda companies, I'd not seen before. Couldn't resist getting a case of those as well, not sure what to do with them, selection is tailored to the taste of people who've forbidden me to have anything to do with them, maybe someone would like to drop them off in Holyoke for me? Maybe not. Maybe I should have a dinner party or something in my newly spacious apartment. Book group. Ludlow night. Taco night.

After that, stopped by Ludlow Central Bakery, got a loaf of crusty bread to go with the hearty vegetable soup I'm planning to make later, some sonhos. Such a beautiful day for driving around eating sonhos that I considered also going to Enfield, checking out fruit pierogi selection, decided I'd rather be home with Peretz.

Thinking about fruit pierogis got me thinking about Friendster testimonial that remains the most accurate assessment of me I've ever seen: "the boy tells the most sordid stories. but don't let that fool you into not calling him if you need a ride to the hospital, or if you come upon some peach pierogies in chicopee." Still a bit of mystery how the person who came up with that could also come up with some of the most wrongheaded judgments of me I've ever heard. Perhaps her thinking about other people is a bit like her skee ball game?

More likely she was just trying to hurt my feelings, oh well, less interesting. Anyway, she succeeded.

Driving home up 91 got called by T, ensconced in new place, drinking coffee. Says when she closed her eyes on plane, all she could see was Peretz.
Vicious headache, should probably take it a little easier on the cleaning, tempted to do more cleaning.

P & I slept in T's room last night, our room now, I suppose, along with all the other rooms here.

Thinking about going to get local soda, buying some stuff for the house, among other things need additional bedding if anyone else is ever going to stay here again.

Things are strange.

Friday, August 17, 2007

With all the sadness & cleaning, forgot to eat dinner. Had a piece of cake, some pico & chips, sauteed a little broccoli raab. May be eating a little strangely for a while.

Feeling pretty wired. Head hurts. Hard to resist the urge to clean more.

T's flight should be landing soon if it hasn't already.

Oh, hell.
Did a good deal more compulsive cleaning, took P for a walk, came back, did more cleaning. One way to deal with being sad, more productive than some, this for example.

Made myself another vodka & lime, trying to slow down.

Getting better at making those, it's quite excellent.
Started tidying up.

Lit a candle, put on Donovan record, did some dishes, took the trash out.

Went upstairs, started moving things around, throwing things away, hung some jackets in the closet. Started making myself an art workspace on a big table. Found a cd boombox T left behind, put it on top of a dresser, plugged it in, went downstairs, got 'Chairs Missing' to play on boombox. Started throwing things away. Put away ironing board I never use. Moved rickety dorm room type cd rack into room with boombox, started bringing excess cds from downstairs, putting them on rack. Found cd-r of 'I' plus 'songs you're sure to hate,' shows what you know. Will listen to that later.

Lots to do, but it's kind of fun. Things will be shipshape in no time.
Playing Scrabble online with my mom now, her last move was 'tits', what's the world coming to?

Thinking about where I'm at with respect to where I was last year this time, before being so seriously interfered with. Some things are better, some worse. The worse are more obtrusive, the better, I think, more enduring. On the whole, I should probably be grateful for being interfered with, and, obscenely rational little creature that I am, on the whole, I am. Have an interestingly altered, broadened perspective; sweet, sad bird's still alive; I call it a win.

Given that I continue to think things could easily be a whole lot better, not just for myself, but for others, I'm pretty down. The others in question disagree with that assessment apparently, have the utmost respect for their disagreement. Gives me something to think about.

I think actual respect for others' opinions is something most people don't understand remotely well enough to actually practice. Mostly what's managed in the name of respect is a benign, uncomprehending tolerance. That's not what I mean at all. Trying to understand others' reasons for what they think, seeing the weight of those reasons, letting them play a role in one's own thinking- this is a very worthwhile and fruitful endeavor, I think. Of course, unlike what people mostly do, it doesn't entail respect for most everybody's opinions. So many things people think without reasons, only causes. Hard to see how one could respect that, except maybe in the way one might respect a wolverine. All our opinions come down to this wolverine point eventually, of course, find it nicer if getting there involves a bit of a trip.

Got another sms from T while walking with Peretz in the woods, her plane had been delayed by twenty minutes. Text messaging, like sudoku, provides a beautifully powerful metaphor for some distinctive aspects of my immediate cultural environs, funny to think about it. Walking along alone, little device beeps, little message appears, respond using astonishingly primitive user interface, get back to walking alone.

The sense of the technological primitivism of our time that one gets by using contrastingly usable technologies can be quite striking, Google v. online library catalog, bash shell v. dos, TiVo v. vcr, easy to come up with examples, pile up enough, you get terrifying visions of our being crippled by our own stupidity, tantalizing hints of what could be. It's quite interesting to think about.

Lord, I do go on a bit, don't I?
T's gone.

Lots of last minute packing this morning, rode down to the airport with her & her parents, taking last minute snapshots of valley scenery with her digital camera. Driving through Springfield, her father asked me, "Have you read '84', by Orwell?" Said I had. He's concerned about the surveillance society. Told him that as one with a bit of an insider's perspective on that, I too was concerned.

Airport's more of a police state every time I go, new giant x-ray machines, always more security. Extremely cute, aged golden lab, laying about wagging his tail, working for the man, everybody was tearing up a bit, said goodbye, T passed through security & was gone. As we left the building, I gave her mom a cigarette.

Texting with T on the ride home, recommending she get a ginger ale once airborne, refreshing, what I always do.

Spent some time at her folks' house after, eating, drinking vodka, tea, talking about T's prospects, Mideast politics. T sent smses to her mom & I almost simultaneously, indicating her arrival in DC, I think she's getting to California around 11.

Home again now, lots of tidying up to do, lots of vegetables to cook for myself. Peretz doesn't know what's happened yet. Beautiful outside, going to go out with him shortly.

I think this is going to be good for her, but I'm damn sad. Crying like a baby, actually.
Made hash & eggs for farewell breakfast for T. Oh, New England!

T told me that one of the characters in the YA novel she's reading said that breasts are called nanga nangas because of the sound they make when you pull them & they snap back. I said that I think nanga nanga is indeed an onomatopoeia, but I didn't think that was what it was onomatopoeic for. She said what's an onomatopoeia. I explained and gave copious English language examples, asked for some Russian examples. She wasn't interested in my childish games, has packing to do. I told her onomatopoeia was itself one.

Peretz seems concerned at all the activity.

Need to change from pajamas into proper clothes, take him for a walk.
Taking advantage of day off tomorrow by staying up late watching anime, pretty sleep deprived, only got about three and a half hours last night, makes the anime even better.

From time to time I find myself in situations where somebody really needs me to lie to them & I just can't do it, not much good about lying about things of any significance to people whose needs actually concern me, bit of a dilemma, feel bad about it, really, really bad, actually. We all have our limitations, I suppose. I don't really have that many, but that seems to be one of them. Sorry about that.

Close my eyes & the angels sing to me, body pulled upward by strange forces, lots of pain, can deal with it just fine, thanks.
I believe I've mentioned that I don't spend a lot of time being angry, mostly just quick flashes.

Gross incompetence, though, well...

Anyway, I'm pretty angry. Feel exploited. Am, in fact, being exploited.

Fuck this.

Peretz is walking around being cute. Now he's licking my ankle.

Deep breaths, thinking of people I'm fond of, you're probably one of them. Hi, how ya doin'? Good, I hope? Whatcha doin'? Something neat?

Bit less angry, still shaking.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Called by work three times. First time I told the person calling where to locate black toner. Second time I explained that there was a difference between a toner cartridge and an imaging drum. Third time I had to go over and reseat the toner cartridge so the printer would print black.

Seriously considering seeking another job.
What do people get out of betraying other people's trust? I'm pretty sure it's mostly done as an end in itself, a little hard to see what's so appealing about it. Maybe because, despite being sort of hopeless, I don't really spend much time feeling powerless.

Anyway, learned my lesson, lesson being: be as open & trusting as possible and if people want to abuse that, let them.

For so many of the rotten things people do, having done them is the most suitable & worst punishment. Pity about that.

Just ate the last of my delicious apricots. Hint of lime.
Made more pico.

Think the orange tomatoes add a nice quality. Summer fun.

Work is being kind of a drag, glad I'm not working tomorrow.

Supposed to be going out to farewell dinner with T later, think she's off kayaking or something now. Still not really fully packed.

Despite having been washed pretty thoroughly, my fingers are lime flavored.
T's listening to the 'Cole Porter Songbook', 'You're the Top' always strikes me with its surpassing excellence.

Mmm, Waldorf salad.

Turns out monitor in Amherst doesn't need replacing after all, might need to do something involving thought, bummer.
Shower & coffee helping me get myself together into an approximation of the usual nice package.

Inner life of a consumer good.

Chains of signs, signs for chains, Burma Shave.

RLETAAS means fine tobacco.
Pretty sure this is the least sleep I've gotten in a year since high school. Making me feel a bit nuts.

Sentences half forming, close my eyes, tilt my head sideways & they're gone. Falling out my left ear.

Letter inversions.

First thing to do at work today is to tote a monitor to Amherst, nice & thoughtless.
Finally fell asleep. Peretz woke me up, he's having scary dreams, growling, yipping.

Often wonder what the hell happened to him before I fetched him from the animal control center, he was pretty fucked up, hard to imagine anybody mistreating him, pretty sure somebody did.

Going to go try to comfort him.
Finally got too tired to mess about with server anymore, second my head hit the pillow, mind alive with ideas, designs for decorative flooring, tabletop shuffleboard, mancala championships, movie night, various incongruities, people's smells being important, plans for amusing and informative websites, window seats, other uses of sunlight.

Listened to a Josephine Foster record, find her voice very interesting.

Willkommen zur Welt der langsamen Suchfunktionen.

Wicked sleepy, poking at database server kind of addictive.

Peretz is very asleep, has more sense.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Seemingly endless walk through the humid night with P, two affectionate pups, sniffing around. Apparently, jealousy & resentment go in the plus column, empathy & honesty in the minus. And they say opposites attract. Shit, shades of Paula Abdul & cartoon wolf. House continues to slowly clear out, it's pretty weird. 'Sweetest Taboo'. Christo. Maybe I should find somebody to look after Peretz for the weekend, take a train to the city, get drunk & fuck. There are servers to be rebooted of course, not to be neglected.

Eddie Cantor, Peter Lorre, damn, stuff's gone down the tubes.

Need to cut my fingernails.
Went to town to get a sandwich. Wonder if I'm ever going to be able to wait behind slow people in lines without speculating about the aggregate amount of other people's time they've wasted and are going to waste over the course of their lives.

Walked around after eating, thinking about bohemianism, thinking about sitting on the courthouse steps. Streetlights through leaves made concrete staircase seem strangely flat, nearly fell.

People are, for the most part, totally, carelessly, thoughtlessly amoral.
Very unixy day at work, made for a nice change, more unixy business to tend to later, meant to leave early for that reason, didn't really manage it, will leave early tomorrow maybe?

Little tube whose dislocation was leading to my car getting filled with water has been professionally reaffixed, urah!

Clear in my mind.

The horror, etc., etc.
Joseph Spence version of 'Oh, How I Love Jesus' stuck in my head. Really remarkable. Should've been bigger than the Beatles, no justice.

Walked through the woods with Peretz, seemed pleasantly cool at first, then awfully muggy. A bit damp.

Wonder what's happening to my car.
Eating leftover pasta.

Very busy day at work, rushing by, sort of nice. Need to get to looking at logs sometime.

Been showing stuff to our intern, just left him installing Xubuntu on some ancient Dell so I could go eat leftover pasta.

Ginger ale next.
When you care deeply about people and they act really erratically & in ways that seem likely to be harmful to themselves, you worry about them, likely quite a lot, if you have an anxiety disorder, you worry more. Nothing very sinister about that, if they act like that's sinister, it's just one more thing to worry about, actually.

Lots to worry about.

Heading over to the mechanic in a few minutes, trying to get a little more coffee into myself beforehand.

Happy memories of last night's cooking spree, not as fun as with company, still pretty fun.
Woke with a start from not enough sleep & yet more scary dreams. Oh, well, drinking coffee.

Thinking about tiny baby bunny I saw the other day walking with Peretz, top of head barely clearing the high summer grass.

Feel really cold. Shaking. More coffee.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Trip to grocery store perked me up, decided to make Raspberry Lime bundt cake.

Box cake, what can I say? It's a school night.

Anyway, took some frozen raspberries, cooked them with a little water, strained through strainer, substituted for water in recipe on box, also added a little lime oil. Made a lime glaze with powdered sugar, lime juice, more lime oil.

Pretty good.
Pasta sauce came out tasty & without incident.

Realized I need some things from the grocery store. Work, work, work. Good do bee.


Happy Scrabble web application is down for 'upgrades.' Don't try to kid a kidder.
For some reason decided it would be a good idea to make a pasta sauce with farm share tomatoes, summer squash, zucchinis, onion, etc., etc. Going to take a while, pretty beat, nobody to pick up the slack if I fall asleep. Working without a net, constant vigilance.

Tomato juice made the cut on my finger hurt something awful, no telling what it'll do to my nails. I know, I know, rubber gloves, just not that kinky.

Listening to Donovan again, kind of a creepy guy.
Defragmentation 97.5% complete. It's the last 2.5% that gets you.

Performance tuning, etc., etc.

Need to pee.
Spam subject line, "There were the Butterflies and the treacherous types who supported the pogrom at Sjandra Kei." Thought I recognized it, turns out it's from A Fire Upon the Deep by Vernor Vinge. Singularity approaches.

Woman in wheelchair on corner in front of work shouting incoherently, holding up brown cardboard sign, most of the writing on it is ballpoint, totally illegible. Not criticizing, mind, can relate.

OK, back to work, back to work.
Somehow managing to work in eating some actual lunch at lunch, the Cap'n is hitting me with his peanut butter crunchinator as I type. Once fully crunchinated, I'll return to work to face more questions about stuff I don't know much about from people who really should.

Parse that, pedants!

Finally got around to arranging having my wet car looked at, tomorrow, tomorrow, not today.

House is in chaos beautifully reflecting T's & my inner turmoils.
Reading on the paper's website about Easthampton woman with PTSD & sundry other syndromes stalking & now suing her former psychologist, would link to the story, but it's subscription only. Information wants to be free, guys.

Cut on finger's driving me nuts, do a lot of typing, not as bad as when I cut off tip of same finger with immersion blender a couple years back, still feels weird & numb from that, actually, one part hurts, other part numb & weird.

Should probably go eat some lunch.
Somebody I care about very much has mistaken her problems with herself for problems with me.

Redirection, stopgaps, misrecognition- not that I'm one to talk, past master at all that crap. Avoiding rather than addressing, guess I'm more worried about her as my problems, however severe they might be, don't stand the remotest chance of making an appearance on my death certificate.

Anyway, we'd come up with a lovely plan to try to deal with both our problems, as I imagine you've gathered, it didn't work out too well.

So, how lovely a plan could it have been if it didn't work out, you ask?

Extremely lovely.

Pure possibility, speculative, philosophical. So sue me.
Hate the effect being worried & nervous has on my manner of thought & expression, all angles & points, not particularly reflective of my feelings, sorry to be so prickly, hedgehog in the fog.

All clad in summer's green & yellow, pining for my lady love.

Coniferous, needly. A kid'll eat ivy too.

Will soon slip on my jacket of gray, commune with the machines.

Little cut on my finger has opened up, just bled all over my keyboard.
Got to feeling so terribly sad last night, I forgot to set my alarm clock. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is.

Feel like my mind is going. Imagine it'll be back later.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Went to see music, too hot & crowded, worried about T & Peretz, came home again.

T's just been showing me a variety of obsolete chargers, cables & electronics.

Things seem real again, tired & hurt.
Took a walk into town, thought maybe being out in the actual world would make things seem more actual, saxophone guy playing 'Girl from Ipanema' loop didn't help much. Interestingly lit big fluffy clouds.

Might go see some music, might sit around the house feeling disoriented, hard to say which would be worse.

My brother stayed up till 6:30 watching meteor shower by a lake in the country.
Scritching Peretz behind the ears.

Nothing seems real.
People not telling you things, then being pissed when you don't know them, all part of the comedy.

Drinking ginger ale from a plastic bottle, should maybe crack up & go stay in a motel for a while, live off ginger ale & pretzels from the machines down the hall.

Feeling blank.

Blankety blank.
A 'Duke karlsson' was kind enough to send me 'A theory of semiotics' this morning, I imagine it's fascinating, but I don't quite get his notation. Here, see if you can make anything of it:

"CnB`oo Tr,affic In-creas,es {4}[9]{%} {O}[v]{e}(r) (T)[w]<o> Month-s

{R}(e)[a]{d} (t)(h){e} news., thi*nk ab^out (t){h}(e) imp-act, and {j}{u}<m><p> on [t]<h>[i][s] fir^st thin#g Tomo.rr-ow mor+n,ing! $`0.42 is a [g]<i><f>[t] at <t>[h](i)[s] pric.^e.....

Do (y)[o]<u>{r} ho#mew-ork (a)[n](d) watc#h {t}{h}{i}{s} t+rade Mon`day m^orning."
Another little cut on a finger, this on the tip of my left index, wonder how I did that. Very annoying.

Another bad night, being scared makes for scary dreams.

Sneezing my head off.

Should be pretty substantial chaos & confusion at work today, preparing myself with coffee & improving reading.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Bit of a Stinktier apocalypse outside, whole neighborhood smells of skunk. Wandered pretty far afield with Peretz, watching the sky, kept passing through clouds of scent.

Perhaps they too are aroused by falling stars.

If I choose to take certain things as signs of a friendlier universe next door, where people are happier, where nobody gets tortured and ruined to the point where they feel that all they deserve is further torture and ruination, if I choose to do this- well, surely that's my prerogative.
Worried sick.

Genuinely sick, feel like I'm going to throw up.

Happens a lot, not the sort of thing you really get used to, unfortunately.

Been lying on couch doing some desultory research into skee ball machine suppliers, trying to calm down. Not really working.

Panic spiral, panic spiral, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Made very spicy stir fry with tiny Asian eggplants & bell peppers, been reduced to doing crosswords as my fellow Scrabblers have let me down, have actual lives perhaps.

Feeling a bit unwell, thought nutritious vegetables might help, didn't really.

Thinking about driving over to Mount Pollux Conservation Area, attempting early meteor viewing, will see how cloudy it is, how much I feel like hiding in my room.
Did some dishes, listening to Donovan.

Before that, drove over to Easthampton to have another look at coveted property. Has front room which looks highly suitable for use as small lending library, another gigantic first floor room with concrete slab floor, good for heavy equipment. Grocery stores within walking distance. View of mountains. Lots of amenities for Peretz, small fenced yard which would need to be fully enclosed, path into the wilderness from back yard, attic windows provide a 360° field of fire. Should probably arrange an appointment.
Walked to town, picked up a copy of a Japanese import version of 'Mellow Yellow', talked a while with Cooper about a property we both have our eyes on, other things. Cooper said something like, "If I'm in a burning building, I'm not going to hold the door for you. J's got a fire in his soul."

Maybe so, pretty sure I'd hold the door for you, go try to fetch Smoky the Bunny from his bunny hutch after. Everybody gets out alive. Hard to explain how important this is to me, you wouldn't believe me anyway.

Made it to Serio's just before closing time, got fermented Asian-style cabbage T likes, won't be able to get it where she's going.

Hot out, wanted to watch more meteors later, sounds like it'll be cloudy.
Just learned that a 'Voltron' movie is in the works, hope they have the sense to get the RZA to do the score. Dream on, right?

Dreamed of being in a family restaurant, a sort of browner, paler Bickford's, noticed my pals Peter & poppybird at a distant booth talking, avoiding eye contact. Peter seemed pretty normal, if nervous, poppy seemed a bit shrunken, her back to me. On going to pay my check, I saw her face, sunken in, reduced, central field nearly albino-pale surrounded by garish welts & blotches, it looked as though something had been eating away at her nose.


Could really use a good night's sleep.
Spent some time lying on the side of the levee, watching the meteor shower, wet grass, summer nighttime sounds, me & the sky.

Not ideal viewing conditions by any means, hazy, Northampton's always over lit sky washed out, full of noise, especially at the horizon. Still gave me a chance to make a wide variety of secret & not-so-secret wishes. Usual variety of overwhelming emotional states, you'd think they'd die down, not so much. Cried for a while, half drifted off, visions of warmth & kindness.

Such straightforward warm feelings, can't get used to them, usually of at least two minds about most everything.

I'm so happy you're alive, not really any way to overstate it. Wish you were.

Walked home feeling sticky, alert, white farmhouse by a streetlight, distant shouting.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Well, wasn't supposed to be working today anyway.

Bbq ended up happening after all, more of a dinner party, very nice, had some strange alcoholic beverages, Ukrainian honey/chile vodka, pine nut vodka, finest blackberry wine from fair New Jersey. People seemed to like the pie.

Got worried about Peretz & came home.

Back to four simultaneous Scrabble games.

Feeling extremely worried, afraid. It's making my stomach hurt. Really don't enjoy fear, dislike it enough that sometimes it makes me wish I didn't care about anybody so I didn't have to feel it. Don't feel afraid for myself much, maybe not really at all. Find it a little hard to relate when people do, actually.

Kind of cloudy, hope it clears out for meteors.
Too lazy to go for local soda, returned Cooper's DVD, went & got my local apricots, got a 'Fruits of the Forest' pie for bbq that was supposed to be happening in T's folks back yard, sounds like her dad may be too tired, oh well, have a pie anyway, anybody want some?

Very sleepy, feeling a bit broken inside, happens sometimes when I'm sleepy.

May over to work in a bit & check on status of ongoing server migration, it's making me a bit nervous.
Finished one of four simultaneous Scrabble games, ended the game forming 'um' & 'cum,' even though I lost, feel like I won.

Got call from Chris indicating he & Emily are safely home, thanking me for my time & trouble, no trouble at all. Got back really late apparently, they were woken shortly after going to bed by what sounded like a human scream, owl it turns out, not what they seem.
Playing four simultaneous games of Scrabble.

Have thought of an attractive Scrabble variant, Burns Scrabble, in which the dictionary consists solely of words appearing in the work of the poet Robert Burns.

Went to the Farmer's Market, got dilly beans, got burritos for T & myself. Thinking local soda, local apricots.
Another lovely morning for a walk, 'Father & Son', 'Mother & Child Reunion' stuck in my head, the second kind of a lousy song, always liked that it was named after a Chinese dish, chicken & egg.

Let myself get opened up, person who did that seems to have had second thoughts about that being a good idea, I've given it a lot of thought myself & decided it's better, sticking with it.

"I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears
Night and morning with my tears,
And I sunned it with smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright,
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine -

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning, glad, I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree."

Believe I've said it before, or perhaps just implied it, but people should really read more Blake.

If one feels wronged by something done by two people for which both of them, on the face of it, seem equally blameworthy, and one, for external reasons, wishes to reapportion blame onto only one of the two, an easy way to do that is to treat the one you want to let off as lacking moral agency. Would rather be blamed, even twice as much as I deserve, than infantilized. Nice when people get what they prefer even when they aren't given the opportunity to choose.

No facts about the world imply a reaction to those facts.
'Let My Love Open the Door' stuck in my head, perils of driving around listening to classic rock radio, perils of irregular Capitalization. Sneezing my head off. The Classical! The conventional is now experimental.

Damn, can't stop sneezing.

Peretz grows impatient, cry havoc!
Morning Scrabble, Morning Woods Hole!

Peretz wants out, need to drink more coffee first.

Bit chilly out, nice change.

T's upstairs, slaving away.

Trying to think of something fun to do today.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Drinking my vodka & lime.

Time goes slowly then all in a rush.

Enjoying the cool weather.
Playing Gameboy Mario Kart, drinking guaraná soda. T's Gameboy kick has got her talking about playing SNES games years back, Bust-A-Move, Tetris Attack, Yoshi's Island. She's particularly into my talking up Yoshi's Island, can't blame her, it's pretty great. Think it's got my favorite control scheme of any video game I've ever played, simple but flexible, very inspiring. Easy, fun, clever, beautiful, immersive- everything should be like that. Yoshi!

Kind of wishing there were some tykes around to tell what's what. Weird attitude for me, maybe, getting weirder all the time, I guess. Oh, well.

Should spend some more time thinking about design soon, just in case.
In the course of packing up her stuff, T unearthed a sun-faded photo cube of my grandma's, its faces pictures of my brother & me.

Here's one of me & my first dog, Huckleberry.

We didn't have Huckleberry very long. He was run over by the milkman. My babysitter was afraid to tell me what had happened, so waited for my mom to get home from work, on her arrival, I told her all about it.

This is my brother & I with my second dog, Skye.

Skye escaped the house during her first heat & was gang raped by the neighborhood dogs, because she was so young, she had to have a therapeutic abortion. Shortly after that she was hit by a car & developed hip problems that would last the rest of her life. She also developed a flea allergy which made most of her hair fall out and put her in a constant nasty temper. Always very protective of us. She lived a long, if not a happy, life. When my mom took her to the vet to be put to sleep, they were playing the Mourner's Kaddish on NPR.

Peretz is my third dog. He's doing great.
Guess it's unreasonable to expect any acknowledgment or indication of awareness of flakiness or instability from somebody who's acting really flaky and unstable, probably unreasonable to expect even an acknowledgment that they might seem so to a reasonable observer.

Well, as it turns out, I'm actually pretty reasonable & didn't really expect that.

Would've appreciated it.
Haven't managed to work in any kinky sex acts since last we spoke, have however made fancy tomato sandwiches for T & myself, quite a nice sensual experience itself, perhaps not as mentally involving, maybe that's good.

Filled ice cube trays with water, going to make myself one or more vodka & limes later. Got myself a little cocktail shaker for that purpose.
While waiting for laundry to dry, went down to Table & Vine for coffee, makings of fancy tomato sandwiches. Spent the drive down thinking a wide variety of vile, animalistic thoughts.

Well- not animalistic, really- deeply perverse in ways that, to the best of my knowledge, only humans can be.

Human enough for government work, anyway.

Nasty, vicious brute with eight hands; innocence itself. All down to point of view. 'That's my little octopussy!'

Mmm, thoughtcrime, tomato sandwiches.

Thinking about T saying to me some time ago, "This isn't the way to win her back, you know." Never understand where people get their ideas about my motivations.
Done with work for the week, pretty much, back to Scrabble, not doing so well in my second game with my brother, a lot of vowels. Finding Scrabble pretty amusing, maybe some Chutes & Ladders later or something. Clue, perhaps. You are invited. We like games.

Having more coffee, T's playing Mario Kart on a Gameboy, should be packing. Peretz is lying beneath my legs. Happy times.

Should probably do some baking.
Just put Chris on a bus to NYC, finished a game of Facebook Scrabble with my brother. Victorious! It was a close one, only won because I was able to make a scrabble on the first move, 'treader.' We appear to enjoy a dense board, kind of hard, not many possibilities.

Weird vibratey feeling, feel that way a lot.

Time to make the donuts.
OK, so, breakfast then work then Kinesics & Context & laundry. Quite an exciting day.

Rainy, gray.

Wondering why anyone would want to make me as worried as I am. Shut up & soldier on, right?

Feet hurt.

When one is very clever & highly competent it's hard for anyone, including oneself, to believe that there is something terribly wrong. Have found this to be true both of myself & of others. Slowly gotten better at recognizing the things wrong with myself, not as many obstacles to that as some face, I gather. Not everything can be fixed. It's a shame.

Talking with Chris has been very helpful, has helped clarify what I've lost, what others have lost. I would say I've gotten off easier if it weren't for how others' losses affect me. It isn't pretty.
Up early so I can have breakfast with Chris before he gets on a bus to NYC. Preferable to getting up early to make DNS changes.

Silver Spoon, Silver Spoon.

Had the nicest dreams, I'd tell you all about them, but wouldn't want to offend.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Saw brown Citation exactly like my grandma's while in Amherst earlier, could've been hers actually if somebody rebuilt the engine.

Thinking about going down to fetch that from her apartment complex in Jersey after she went into the nursing home, T's first car, picked up Peretz from the Thomas J. O'Connor Animal Control Center in Chicopee on the drive home as he was scheduled to be executed the next day. Was in August, very hot, remember staying with him on the little red futon in the air conditioned room upstairs, he was so happy & scared, long time ago now, eight years?

Made pico, used both little red tomatoes & little orange tomatoes, it's quite tasty, will be tastier later.
My Ray Birdwhistell book arrived, went to Black Sheep for napoleons, also got berry tarts, apricot rugelach. Bought these things with my share of the money T got from dumping our change jar into a Golden Goat (actually I believe they're called CoinStars locally, less poetic- actually I think Golden Goats take cans not coins, anyway more poetic).

I find that with the things I actually care about taken away, free association & wordplay make pretty passable springs of action. Amor fati, I hold by my whimsy.

Discussing interesting item with my brother on IM, his company is auctioning it off, I guess.

Hard to decide if it's better to have chosen misery or to have had it thrust upon you.

Thinking about rereading The Nine Tailors, as I remember it's quite nicely plotted.
Got invitation to Henry & Nancy's wedding in the mail, addressed to me & guest, kind of depressing- anybody want to go to a wedding? I'm Best Man, so it'll be a chance to be in the spotlight...

Went & tried out Tramore Fish 'n' Chips with colleagues, no Andy, guess he works later in the day, but the fish 'n' chips were pretty damn good.

OK, more coffee, maybe go get a pastry.
Another lost tortoise found!

This one closer to home, found just a few doors down from me at Murphy's Realtors. Strange that this keeps happening, all happens so fast, Order Chelonia, secret signs.
Winged victory, shoes that never fit my feet,
too narrow. Cold hallowed hum of machines,
with a chill- recollections of seaside scenes.
An inner drum throbs, someone I'll never meet.
Fallow fields where pumpkins grew last summer,
then floated in a flood, bloated bodies rotting.
Becoming plant, becoming rock, becoming nothing,
weaker than I was, more vicious, dumber.
A vulgar sculpture in a concrete Parthenon,
in the field outside they play Frisbee and shout.
Thinking about replicas, division, doubt,
mud pies, cow eyes, the Whore of Babylon.
Thinking about thinking, about being a jerk,
penning verses for little dead things at my desk at work.
Lovely morning, delightful cool breezes, perfect for a walk.

Passing through the woods- "What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" The voices of children at play, children pushing little carts, pickup truck cart, turtle cart. Looking curiously at Peretz. Children on swings. I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

People can differ on what's sublime, what's vile, even with themselves.

Making myself a little more coffee, then off to push little data carts.
This week, Burckhardt's The Age of Constantine the Great has been serving as bathroom reading. Just reading about Septimius Severus:

"Despite its importance and its indispensable military significance as a stronghold against the barbarians of Pontus, Byzantium, where Pescennius' followers had defended themselves for a year, was razed to the ground, and its garrison, along with many of its inhabitants, was put to death. The world must be given an example of the fate of cities and factions which could not immediately choose among a number of rival usurpers that one who deserved enduring obedience.

Albinus' followers fared no better. Severus had come into possession of their correspondence; he might have burned the letters unread, as Caesar had burned the letters of the Pompeians. That would have been a generous gesture, but altogether unsuitable to the times; the question was no longer one of divergent principles and their amalgamation through reconciliation and persuasion, but simply of subjection. A crowd of senators and other notables in and out of Rome were executed; the Emperor delivered eulogies of Commodus before the Senate, people, and army, surely not out of conviction but in mockery of the Senate. In Rome itself, during this struggle for dominion, a spontaneous lamenting and wailing once broke out at the Circus games; an eyewitness could find no explanation for the phenomenon other than divine inspiration. 'O Rome, Queen, Immortal,' the multitudes shouted with a single voice, 'how long shall we suffer these things, how long will war be waged over us?' Ignorance of their future was the happier lot."

Strange resonances, everything a sign of something else, widely disparate items put into relationships that seem obvious and arbitrary by turn, little dioramas, sudden zooms, animation, dissolution. O Cardamom, Queen of Spices!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

For the first time ever, wishing I had more Facebook friends so I'd have more people to play Scrabble with. Miss my grandma.

Discussing likely names for dog ballerinas in Borzoi Ballet with T. Peretz votes for Sobitchnikov. Lipski. He can't decide. He's gone into the other room to think.

Em & me, me & Em. Able was I ere I saw Elba.

Maybe go to Amherst tomorrow, get a Napoleon.
Just took a bunch of boxes of T's stuff over to her parents' where they're going to be packed into larger boxes then picked up by shippers. Toted boxes into garage while she & her mom pointed & kibitzed.

She stopped & got limes, pico tomorrow after work, I think.

Dog tired.

Time to walk the Peretz.
Went to fix supposed VPN client problem in Holyoke, turned out to be garden variety network connectivity issue.

Swung by Stop 'n' Shop after, got exotic soda, also blueberries, cottage cheese, multigrain bread. Should write a cookbook, Nostalgic Melancholy Diet, Melancholic Nostalgia Diet, decisions, decisions. Anyway, you wouldn't think it from all the dairy products, but it seems to be working.

You know, Em, I imagine you're not interested in hearing this from me, but you're being a big dope. What's worse- I think it's kind of cute.

Shit, forgot to get limes, was intending to make Pico, got corn chips & everything.

Maybe just as well I give this paper cut a chance to heal first.

Lovely sunset over the Oxbow.
Just cut up two cantaloupes for later consumption, going through the motions, heart's not in it.

Pretty unbearable out. Supposed to get nicer later, I hear.

Thinking about trying to get to a good spot to observe the Perseids Saturday night. Maybe somewhere in Vermont?

Somewhere along the course of the day got a paper cut on my right middle finger.
"Veteran of the Psychic Wars" stuck in my head, eating rocky road ice cream.

Sometimes things are just too much for little old me.

Oh, hell.
Bit of a busy day at work, not just for me, chaos all around. Finally got around to coming home for some food, need to take the dog out.

On this 19th anniversary of my first submission of myself to another for use as punching bag, thinking about why that seems to be how things go with me. Not sure if it's that I seem like I can take it or that I invite it or what, certainly can take it, do invite it, still hurts.

OK, walk the dog, back to work for a little more chaos, back home, then work-related house call at 7. Feeling pretty disoriented.
Pretty garden variety spam, finding them really funny, lack of sleep, I imagine.

"Helo, buddy!

Funny game. Carrie Ann Moss fucks Harry Potter... In your attachemnt.

Good Bye."

"Hello, dear!

Amusing game. Nicole Kidman fucks Luke Skywalker... In your attachemnt.


"Good evening, friend!

Funny game. Carrie Ann Moss fucks Dart Wader... In your attachemnt.

Best Regards."

"Helo, friend!

Funny game. Carrie Ann Moss fucks Luke Skywalker... In your attachemnt.


"Hi, dear!

Funny game. Lara Croft fucks Luke Skywalker... In your attachemnt.


"Good Day, man!

Amusing game. Nicole Kidman fucks Dart Wader... In your attachemnt.


That Dart Wader & his boy sure get around.
DNS thing seems to have gone OK, lots of other chaos to keep me occupied. Sort of like an airplane toilet.

Thinking about pachinko, been fascinated with pachinko machines ever since first seeing them as a child, was it in Montreal? Stochastic turbulence, little metal balls, white noise, beeps, my kind of thing.

8/8/1988, went on my first date with my first really serious girlfriend, it was her 17th birthday, Emack & Bolio's on Mass Ave, walking around after finding it strange to be able to relate, being flamboyant, witty. Turned out, of course, that some just amazingly awful things had happened to her & she was going to do awful things to me as a consequence, funny how often that seems to happen. What I'm good for, perhaps. Almost twenty years ago, still all kinds of fucked up by it, old reliable.

Oh well, technical matters to tend to.
Little art project careening out of control, weird effects on my social environment, mostly pretty bad. Instructive anyway, probably should avoid being honest about what I'm thinking, will get back to that in a little while, try to be helpful, make occasional gnomic utterances, oooooom-ray & the like.

Woke to 'Dark Globe' playing on my computer, made me cry. Poor Syd, poor bird, brandish her wand with a feathery tongue.

Time is stretching out again, going to be a long August.

8/8, day for mistakes. Hope my little DNS changeover goes OK.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Got to feeling so agitated thought I might start smashing things, went out for a drive instead- smoking, shaking, crying- next thing I knew I was in Chicopee. Decided it probably wasn't the safest thing to be doing, didn't have any good reason to be in Chicopee, turned around & came home again.

Still shaking, might start smashing things.

Will probably have a brandy & go out for a walk with Peretz.
Trying to take someone else's thoughts as seriously as my own no matter the extent of disagreement, it's an interesting exercise, a bit unsettling, trying to make the best of it, not like I really have any choice in the matter.

Causing a bit more of an internal tumult than I'm really up to at the moment, very tired. As I say, not much choice about it. Tempting to go to sleep, a little scared of what the results of that might be, maybe wait for things to settle down a little.

I'm a scary monster.
Tomato sandwiches, ginger ale.

Want to be curled up in a ball, maybe do that in a bit, need to go into work early tomorrow anyway.

Going back & forth between feeling tired & sore but basically fine & like I've just left a war zone. Comes in waves.

Peretz is sitting with me, sighing.
Moving heavy monitors, kind of hurt all over, nowhere near as bad as yesterday.

Thinking some extremely morbid thoughts, think I'll keep them to myself.

Hearing about the world of massive data transfer, people like their videos.

Tra la la. Oh me, young & in love.
Leftover stew means actually eating lunch at lunch.

T's a ball of nerves.

Another strange experience with CompUSA's corporate purchasing system, they work at a different pace, kind of like a trip to the old country.

Mmm, stew.

Coming more & more to the conclusion that by & large the things that make me problematic to interact with are the same things that make me worthwhile to interact with, think this is probably true of most people who are at all interesting. Have no problem with people adding up debits & credits, making the economical choice.

Does assume a rational agent in a perfect information state. Have no problem with assumptions contrary to fact.

Minding my own business.
"I'm a little Daisy (hands together, at side of face, head tilted)
dressed in blue (hands pick up hem of uniform smock)
I am a Girl Scout (make 3 fingered sign)
you are too (point to neighbor)
When I go to meetings (hands out, palms up)
I sing and shout (hands cup around mouth)
I love being a Daisy Girl Scout (point to heart)"

I mean it.
Some day I'm going to murder the bugler.

Strange going out & being sociable last night, not what I'm accustomed to. John & Anna's house is nice.

Dreams didn't want to let me go, sorry to disappoint them.

Going to be a long week.

Monday, August 06, 2007

When I was in Beverly the other day, one of Brooke's roommates offered us the pick of any books we wanted from several boxes of them, mostly related to antiquarian concerns, which she'd purchased for $39. I took several, the pick of the lot- a heavily marked up & defaced student edition of Tacitus's De Vita Iulii Agricolae & De Germania. Enjoy.

Wired article about some of the stuff I was talking to Chris about on the drive home from Rosendale, some of the sentences are almost verbatim copies of things I was saying, it's a little weird. One of us, one of us.

For the second time in two days I've heard about somebody wanting to enter the U.S. from Canada to do art being turned back at the border for 'taking jobs away from Americans,' yesterday it was the woman teaching Emily's sculptural book class & I guess some phone calls from the organization and $65 sorted things out, today it was a guy driving down from Toronto to record with Chris & Matt Valentine in Brattleboro, no money involved at all, no organization to sort things out, sucks.

Waiting for stew to cook, going to go hang out with some pals in Holyoke later.

No, not those pals, other pals.
Cantaloupes, heirloom tomatoes, mmm.

Finally got around to making my stew, using up squash, chiles, etc., etc.

Chris brought me a Vitamin Water. Energy!!!

Muscle spasms in lower back.

Affectionate, worried, dry eyes wandering over nothing.
Finally got around to going over & helping the tiny non-profit people with their backup issues, stopped in for some nice Chinese after.

Fortune cookie says: "Your problems just become your stepping stone. Catch the moment."

Glazed sour cream donut.

Going to go for a little walk in the woods with Chris & Peretz momentarily.

Pain in the lumbar region.

Amazingly badly designed rotary off the exit to Rosendale, even more spectacularly badly designed directional sign accompanying it, wish I'd gotten pictures. Woman Emily's staying with told us the people doing it claimed it would make the exit safer. I guess the question is, for who?

Did I mention the real cream bismarks from Coffee Time in Salem? Pretty good.

I guess it's a roundabout, not a rotary, there's a picture of it in this lovely presentation by the ITE Working Group on Roundabout Accessibility Issues.
Overdid it a bit over the weekend, muscles hurt. It's pretty great.

Before going out to Rosendale yesterday, managed to work in a little more whirlwind tour, White Hut, Donut Dip. The fries at White Hut are really something else.

Trying to get my head together for work, too much going on in it, emotional range, typical. Maybe a shower will help.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Got Emily safely ensconced in her art hideaway in upstate NY, not far enough away to avoid phone call from work, easy issue to deal with from a distance thankfully.

Nice talk with Chris on the drive back about our respective emotional problems, he seems to think I'm intrinsically worthwhile, a bit eccentric of him I think. Anyway, the feeling's mutual.

Just threw back a Harmony Springs birch beer, heating up the oven for frozen pizza.

Having friends visit is pretty great.
Thinking about Sacher-Masoch, wondering if a written contract wouldn't've been helpful.

Always taken by surprise by people's failures to honor oral agreements, do my best to honor mine.

Lack of discipline, jeez.
Whirlwind tour of valley, went by Hampshire to show Emily where Cherry Blossoms played, went by farm center to visit with goats & lovable sway-backed donkey, Flayvors of Cook Farm for ice cream & Harmony Springs, quick walk across the railroad bridge over the Connecticut.

Nice to be showing people I love places I love again. Talking about opening up Skee-B-Cue, maybe with local soda, compromise solutions sometimes better than original plan. We'll see what happens.

Also thinking publishing empire again. We'll see what happens.
People take pictures of each other.

Chris just said, "When I had just finished college, every August I felt like something new should be beginning." Damn.

Body tending to frivolity, ghost looking to other business, things that should be happening but aren't. Strange doubling, expect it to continue, particularly intense & disconcerting at the moment.

People are admiring Peretz.

OK, off to AmChi, nature walk, upstate NY.
Uploading multimedia documentation of fun time had by all.

Went to Joseph Cornell exhibit before going to Clown Day, kind of hard to look at between people standing between me & the exhibits, mostly reading the descriptions, & his widespread influence on the widespread design culture. Why are people so into curiosity cabinets these days? Spent some quality time outside exhibit talking to Brooke about her set decoration job & my worries.

By the time we got to Salem Willows, Clown Day was winding down, ventriloquist clown singing xmas carols with bird, other clowns sitting somberly on row of folding chairs.

Got some very nice fried clams, popcorn also quite good. Hot day, beautiful glare off the harbor.

Skee ball was a little weird due to the previously mentioned plastic balls, bouncier than I'm used to, did manage one 500 point game with the poppybird method, scoreboard didn't register the last hundred, frustrating. Kicked Brooke's ass & good in air hockey, walked by the seaside.

Went back to Brooke's for a while, then drove to ridiculously busy seafood restaurant in Gloucester with Brooke's two college age incredibly nervous roommates in tow. Looked at whale watch paraphernalia, drank beer while waiting. Intense claustrophobic experience once seated, very good fish chowder. Causeway Restaurant, good if you like busy.

More hanging out at Brooke's, being silly, talking about 'Shave your pits', talking in funny voices.

Drove back very late, hate 95, got back home & had interesting discussion of the seemingly ever-increasing interest in fabrics, stuffed animals, etc. among the arty set. Wondering how much it's down to that Mike Kelley Sonic Youth cover.

Anyway, just great to see people, enjoy spending time with my friends, going to go do some more of that now.
Too sleepy to say much about things, but really lovely to see people.

Trip to Salem Willows was made complete just as it began by Masshole screaming at Brooke from passing car, "Ooug, shave your pits!"

Skee ball machines there are very nice large models & only a quarter a game, pity about the plastic balls, really, WTF?

Chris & Emily came back up here with me, more friendly activities tomorrow.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Laid awake till quite late last night, listening to Love & Brian Eno, sketching out ideas for books in my head.

All images, word games, symbol systems at this point, no characters, plotting.

A lot of doubling, should bone up on my comic plotting, maybe reread those 'Blandings' books, some Hoffmann.

I'm thinking two books, a sort of mother-daughter pair, something to keep me company. Will probably start working on those come Fall, once the aloneness has had a chance to sink in.
Blueberries & sour cream.

Tubes & Cubes, pale blue carpet.

Was it the bit with the liver that made her toss Portnoy's Complaint aside? Made me think I'd found someone I could relate to when I read that as a kid.

Attitudes to sexual & other mores aside, my grandma & I were a lot alike, fond of word games & fresh fruit, hypercritical.

Was it in 'Goodbye, Columbus' that the poor, Jewish kid from the city went out to the suburbs and there was a refrigerator stuffed with fresh fruit?

Philip Roth went to my mom's high school. So did Jerry Lewis.

Her 50th high school reunion's next May, at the shore. May go down & play skee ball.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Got back from preparatory errands at 11:11 on the dot. Made a wish.

Stopped at store & got sour cream so I could have blueberries & sour cream in the morning & think about my grandma.

Then I'll drive to Beverly- art, skee ball, friends, clowns, mystery.

When someone I love is in terrible danger, it's easy for me to forget that there are other people I love as well. But there are.

Tell me how you know what you're giving up again, I dare ya.
Clown Day is go. Pleased as punch.

Going to go gas up the car & get skee ball money from an ATM machine machine now.


Love you folks, sorry if that upsets you, it probably shouldn't- I think you're great.

Maybe stop & get some ice cream from the megamart...

Was feeling pretty sad for a bit, between the thunderstorms and Clown Day- pleased as punch.
Just heard from Chris Davis, he & Emily are en route from NYC to Boston on the Chinatown bus, going to stay in Beverly tonight, some talk of meeting up tomorrow for Clown Day at Salem Willows, nothing definite yet, the call dropped.

Pretty excited at the prospect of Clown Day, suits my mood. Scary, fucked up.
Eggplant came out tasty, between that & walking around sweltering with P, too tuckered out to make stew or anything else, maybe tomorrow.

Funny sort of affectionate irritability, people can be so fucking stupid, it's kind of adorable.

Sweaty, sick of being sweaty.
Did some dishes, listening to My Dark Places, expecting a right hook, get a left jab, maybe a frog punch. Switch things up, you don't know what to expect.

Roasting eggplants, might make a stew as well, might put that off till tomorrow.

You just don't know.

Maybe blueberry muffins.
Decided that, absurdly hot out or not, I wanted to watch some ducks. Took photos. No sign of Famous Duck, probably moved on to greener pastures.

After that, was thinking about swinging by Rao's for coffee, didn't want to walk around in the hot anymore so went to Atkins instead, got olive oil, local peaches & blueberries, 19th Hole. Was tempted to get Harmony Springs soda but they carry neither the flavors nor the bottles I prefer. Maybe a Ludlow/West Springfield beverage excursion tomorrow.

Drove back via Holyoke to avoid huge mess being caused by closure of section of Route 9, driving up 5 was thinking about talking with the head of the Art Department the other day about rumors about local entertainment dirtbag Eric Suher's plans for the Mountain Park site, learned that it was during her high school prom that the Stardust Ballroom burned down.

Thinking about 'Our Founder', being a person who names things.
Ordered a copy of Kinesics & Context as well as an Au Pairs comp, strange to be buying myself things again.

Too darn hot. Kind of want to go watch ducks, think it's too hot.

Need coffee, olive oil.

Last little while at work for the week, trying to think of any loose ends.

Reflecting on my narrow escape from becoming a trophy wife.

Weird to have been admired for my presentability, imagine that'll remain a unique experience. Probably best.
Thinking about Bugs Bunny as a representation of the American character, always been more of a Daffy Duck man myself, screwball flag & all.

Thinking about sitting on a couch in my parents' house with T years ago, watching The Thin Man. Strange, the moments when you realize someone loves you, doesn't happen to me that often for whatever reason. Probably for the best.

Anybody want to come over, have a bit too much to drink & watch Bringing Up Baby?

I was born on the side of a hill.
Feeling rather Byronic. Pity there's no revolution to go die in.

Reading about bird monogamy- 'Reports of extra-pair copulations -- henceforth, E.P.C.'s -- in animals previously thought to be monogamous have come hot and heavy during the last decade. Increasingly, biology journals have featured articles with titles such as "Behavioral, Demographic, and Environmental Correlates of Extra-Pair Fertilizations in Eastern Bluebirds," "Extra-Pair Copulations in the Mating System of the White Ibis," "Extra-Pair Paternity in the Shag, as Determined by DNA Fingerprinting," "Genetic Evidence for Multiple Parentage in Eastern Kingbirds," "Extra-Pair Paternity in the Black-Capped Chickadee," "Density-Dependent Extra-Pair Copulations in the Swallow," and "Patterns of Extra-Pair Fertilizations in Bobolinks." We've even seen these oxymoronic reports: "Promiscuity in Monogamous Colonial Birds" and "Extra-Pair Paternity in Monogamous Tree Swallows."'

Thinking about Ray Birdwhistell.

He digesteth harde yron.
People find it hard to forgive being made ridiculous, mostly because it's always something they do to themselves.

Always best to have someone else to blame for one's problems.

Best of all, of course, is never to be born at all.
For a few days been thinking of the strange equivalence of the Holyoke Range & the Pleiades. Should really get a Subaru.

Fell asleep late, popped awake early, all in readiness. Dreams of the nonorganic, becoming rock, igneous, sedimentary, metamorphic.

Late nights as a six year old, side of a Simon and Garfunkel LP on repeat, mind awake to everything. It never stops.
Very hot in yoga studio, shirt soaked through, little vision quest.

While listening to Cooper play, got the idea that we should round up a bunch of people, go somewhere with a lot of skee ball machines, play exactly $250 worth of skee ball & see what we can get for prizes. Talked to some people about it, sounds like it'll happen in early September. In a way, it would be funny to put it off till Yom Kippur, maybe also get fried clams. I think early September might be more convenient. Need to look into likely destinations.

Eating salt & vinegar potato chips with Cooper, telling him about ibogaine, I realized I was feeling just fine. Strange. Very worried, but I'm just fine.

Think one long-term effect of being forced to watch somebody I care about being a lot more self-destructive than I am has been to make me a lot less so. Would really like to make the world a nicer place for people to be in. Have some ideas.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

T's application form & cover letter are ready to go. Munching on pastries (some asshole made me a salad plate for dinner).

Going to go check out some music at a yoga studio in town, new age, good vibes kind of stuff.

Stern & serious, thinking about Pet Intelligencer layout, presentation & content. Have some good ideas. Word search puzzles. Love a good word search puzzle.
Cold vegetable plate, cukes, tomatoes, greens, with cheese herb bread from Merlings, very summery.

Fucking exhausted.

Feet hurt.
Pushing Pet Intelligencer on the publisher, seems the 'Mohawk Trail' bit is a no go, sadly. Going to try pushing Mohawk Trail & Pioneer Valley Pet Intelligencer, feels like a bit of a sellout, they probably won't go for making it a daily either.

Not my pic, my pal paupautree's.

T got word of some attractive job openings at the SFPL, hope they hire her, they'd be fools not to.
Went to Greenfield, did my little network monkey dance, hop & skip. WAN file synchronization for fun & profit, going to go do a little hula around some non-profit LAN file synchronization later. Took a little walk around town before driving back, picked up some baked goods at Mirlings. Really quite a beautiful city, lots of attractive, affordable 3 families to be had.

Weak, short-sighted, huddled together for warmth, coneys in a field, afraid of the wise old owl.

Contemptuous of a lot of things, up here on my high perch, not love.

Drove back down 5, looked at farmland. Sounds like Henry's thinking of buying a farm, some things you only get to do by proxy. Know quite a bit about proxies, sometimes wish I knew less.
Another late night, drinking, reading, watching the moon pass behind clouds.

Hazy morning, outside & in, Peretz desperately wanted out, warm sun, cool breezes. Going to be another scorcher, I gather.

Need to drive up to Greenfield for work in a bit, try a little network trickery.

It's easy to be very open when nobody really gets what you're saying. Desperate play, echoes from funny corners, secret networks atop the public network. Thought you got it, stupid of me. Red planet take me home.

At the end of Moravagine, Moravagine, killer of women, travels to Mars. On Mars they have only one word for everything, 'kay-ray-kuh-ko-kex' - an onomatopoeia, supposedly.

Erinnerung, ring around the rosie, memento mori.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

More brandy.

Looking to be a big month for alcoholic beverages & why not?

Wishing I were distributing presents. Maybe I should, not sure who to, not sure that matters.

"You know that I could be in love with almost everyone, I think that people are the greatest fun," the amount that this resonates with me, it's hard to explain. Can barely relate to most people, still very, very fond of them. It's hard to explain.

Actually only in love with one person. She thinks that both she & I are monsters. Maybe we are.

The nicest sort of monsters in my opinion.

Going to pour myself some more brandy.
Wonder about people sometimes.

Hurt themselves, lie to themselves, cheat themselves out of happiness- these aren't unusual things, common, normal even. Makes me glad I've never been very normal.

Seeing things with an unpleasant clarity. Vast, still sadness where there could have been movement & life. Why would you want to do that to yourself?

Fond of quiet, I guess.
Another close encounter with fox, this time in Phys Plant dumping area, less spooked this time, kind of curious. Secret sign?

Sign that I'm too exhausted & sad to be remotely intimidating to anybody remotely in touch with reality, including small forest creatures, perhaps?

Had some nostalgic multigrain toast with oleo & cottage cheese.

IMing with my pal Henry as he rides home on express bus, he's got ritzy new cell modem. A bit jealous.
Lauding arts, languid star-
Atlas during dang rituals.
Garland suit, radiant slug,
Diurnal stag, astral Id gun.
At work doing too many different things at once, got a bit addled, read a little bit of the Posterior Analytics to clear my head, not as funny as it sounds unfortunately, remember how disappointed Peretz was when he first read that.

Forgot to slip on a hoodie on the way out of the house, bit chilly in here.
When people who know me don't believe what I say it's kind of like when they patronize me, makes me think something's really wrong with them. That's been borne out by experience pretty well, unlikely to stop thinking that way. Try to have respect for experience.

Diagnostics, monitoring. Sometimes wish I were a bit less like that.

Hard to resist the temptation to try to reassemble people's fragmented personalities, can make me more insensitive than I'd like, know perfectly well that sometimes there are good reasons to be fragmented, segmented, walled-off. Sometimes being a person is just too damn hard and people need to be something else for a while, sometimes forever.

Sometimes trying to help just makes things more difficult. No wish to make things more difficult.

Sorry about that.
More scary dreams, real world is scarier actually.

Peretz is grumpy, just a little more coffee & I'll take him out.

Being more bookish is being quite helpful, not helping with the whole lack of sleep thing, but have come back to a realization I first had long ago- if I'm going to be lying awake anyway, might as well do some improving reading.

Hands are shaking. Coffee, coffee.
Want me to be terribly frightened & hurt, want me to be OK- hard to do both at once, getting better at it.

Like to do what's wanted. A little union of opposites is no great trick given a little time to work out the dynamics.

Strong, subtle mind, can do pretty much any damn thing. Can't help but think they are other ways I could be more useful.

Oh, well, you know best, dear.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Pretty unbearable outside, feeling damp, the kind of night Peretz enjoys standing rooted to one spot staring at the ground, a lot to see apparently.

Long hallucinatory reel, not sure how I've been getting anything done, seem to have been getting some things done, can't remember much.

Lucky I wrote it all down, I guess.

Tender stirrings, door slammed on hand, more tender stirrings.

Have a drink, get a little maudlin, go try to sleep. Makings of a plan.
Stuffed peppers, peach cake, fruity drink, all very tasty.

No sentimentalism. Genuine, strong feelings. It's strange, not the lack of sentimentalism, that's normal. Spent a pretty long time feeling dedicated but flat, stopped feeling flat a couple of years ago now, I've been pretty weird since. Sorry, everybody, should probably steer clear of the daylight world, think I'm stuck with it.

Would have been nice if I could have gotten used to this whole new thing without alienating several people I care about in the process, oh well, I'm a fuckup.

Nice, crazy, nice, crazy.
Knew there was a reason beyond pure Maoist extremism that I disliked going to Stop 'n' Shop, have a Counting Crows song stuck in my head. Making stuffed peppers. Go go, local produce.

Can come off as kind of an arrogant, hostile bastard when I'm not acting like a total wreck, sometimes even when I am. Not an entirely inaccurate impression, not going to worry too much about it.

Can't really remember most of what I did at work today, seemed like I was busy.
Came home for lunch early so I could make a house call in a timely fashion, was making myself a quesadilla, got call from work indicating that T1 was down, went back to work, talked to ISP, T1 came back up, made arrangements to be a little late for house call, came home again & walked Peretz, sweaty as hell.

Was faced with a problem of how best to go about trusting somebody I trust very much a while back, whether to believe the things she was saying or believe the things that made me trust her so much to begin with. Made me a bit of a confused mess, I'm afraid, pretty sure now I should've just gone with the second option, am trying to continue going with that now. It's kind of hard.

Was bored earlier, reading over this thing, I know it pretty much reads like one endless plaint, but it isn't really, I've been feeling a lot of unpleasant ways and have been trying to describe them accurately, but no complaints at all, feeling very fortunate actually.

OK, house call.
Diuresis, diæresis, dilemma, digraph.

Diarrhea of the mouth.
Reinscription, palimpsest, images have a history, like the rest of us.

Structure, diagram, skeleton, cell. Caged Heat.

Repetition, repetition. Representation, reanimation.

"It was a repulsive task that we undertook in the black small hours, even though we lacked at that time the special horror of graveyards which later experiences brought to us...It had been a sturdy and apparently unimaginative youth of wholesome plebeian type -- large-framed, grey-eyed, and brown-haired -- a sound animal without psychological subtleties, and probably having vital processes of the simplest and healthiest sort...It had ended horribly -- in a delirium of fear which we gradually came to attribute to our own overwrought nerves -- and West had never afterward been able to shake off a maddening sensation of being haunted and hunted. The body had not been quite fresh enough; it is obvious that to restore normal mental attributes a body must be very fresh indeed; and the burning of the old house had prevented us from burying the thing. It would have been better if we could have known it was underground."

Fugu fish, absinthe, Mnemosyne.

"And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star from heaven, burning as if it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters; and the name of the star is called Wormwood: and the third part of the waters became wormwood; and many men died of the waters, because they were made bitter."

Mother of the Muses, child of Gaia & Uranus, isn't it necromantic?
Thinking about A Midsummer Night's Dream, should perhaps reread it. Oberon, outermost of the large satellites of Uranus.

Uranus is distinguished by the fact that it is tipped on its side.

Had some dreams involving fairies, frigid gas, being tipped on one's side, oddly enough. Fairies in icy mist, paralysis, skewed view of the forest floor, pointy sticks.

Take it as a good sign that I'm getting poked with sticks in dreams again, my dreams have been disturbingly nonphysical, at least as far as I'm concerned, for quite some time, disembodied eye. Good at that, but prefer being embodied, even if it means getting poked with sharp sticks by malevolent fairies.

Little girl lost in the woods, some confusion about who's playing the wolf.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Another balmy night, more heat lightning.

Strange, rambling walk with Peretz, behind the paper, past the big, blocky two-family with the tiny fenced yard I'm coveting, head full of consulting gigs, soda shops, local produce. May take a while given the state I'm in, but I've got some lovely things in mind, maybe somebody tolerable will even want to come along for the ride, would be welcome certainly, should be interesting either way, weird & damn clever.

Peretz is having a biscuit. Feeling sad that he'll likely be gone before I get to the neat stuff, sorry I move so slowly, pal, have a lot on my mind.
Extremely available & caring, extremely dark & harsh- all part of the same thing, the 'extremely' part is the real problem, not much to be done about it, certainly don't seem to be mellowing with age. Just plain high-strung, can't do much about it, they run screaming, can't say I blame them even if I think it's a mistake.

I do think it's generally a mistake. Probably worth putting up with, for some people anyway, the ones who run screaming, mostly.

Somehow managed to walk the dog, don't think much else is going to be accomplished this evening. Should maybe fix myself a drink, be happy to make you one too.

Anyway, here's to ya.
Came home, very tired, started making frittata with summer squash, tomato & a jalapeño, shouldn't've, about halfway through making it got extremely upset, was mean to T, once it was done had to take a walk around the block then hide in the dark briefly. In any case, it's quite tasty.

Been left more fragile than I once was, probably good I'll soon be living alone.

Doesn't really do for me to allow myself to get tired, I start cracking up. No real way around it, never been any good at sleeping, it's worse now than it's been for several years, going to be very tired a lot if I make any sort of effort to maintain a normal schedule, for whatever reason I feel compelled to do that rather than melt into a puddle of irresponsibility. Stupid of me, probably.

Need to walk Peretz, hard to get up.
Feeling so tired & crappy I've been reduced to getting a ginger ale from the machine in the break room. Used to love getting soda at work back when we had a machine that dispensed it into a cup with crushed ice. There was an informal employee poll which favored plastic bottles, now we get plastic bottles, hate them, hate that my hand barely fits into the dispenser slot, miss the crushed ice, the sounds of the old machine.

Spent some time thinking about opening a Skee Ball establishment, suppose it would be best if other things were offered as well, Whac-A-Mole? Soft serve? Soda shop?

Soda shop, soda shop.
Home for lunch, eating pie & cheese, Peretz loves me more than usual.

House is in chaos, lots of things in piles including little bits of myself, should probably swept under rug or tossed altogether.

Tomatoes have arrived at farmshare, little ones for now, pretty excited.

Feeling very wound up, ready to spring, boing!

Pogo, spin, do it again.

Should write more dance craze songs.
At work, catching up on weekend accumulation of crap, feeling sick to my stomach.

Some things are too awful to think about, so I get stuck thinking about them. Typical.

Need to go run an errand in a little while, nice day to be driving around.
Bit of a rough night, having a hard time waking up. Feeling a bit stupid.

Peretz is giving me funny looks, sighing. Yes, it does get old, pal, I'm sorry.

Hurt animal, other things also, war machine, whistler by graveyards, old reliable, vibrating point.

Caffeine addict. Getting my fix.

So far it's been the longest year ever, bit of a blur, thankfully. Kind of wishing I hadn't documented it so heavily.
Just spent a while lying down, trying to fall asleep, shaking & crying instead, maybe an hour and a half, seemed longer.

Got up, went outside to smoke a cigarette, watched Moon come out from behind clouds, disappear again. Sat on the front step singing 'Shine On, Harvest Moon' for a bit, then came inside again.

Neighbors in front are being very noisy.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

For a very long time, my entire adult life basically, I've had very little in the way of purpose beyond the uses to which certain others choose to put me. I guess I'd always found the world pretty difficult & discouraging, then some things happened that made me feel that way a lot more strongly and what I managed to work out for myself was that there were some people I really cared about & I should stick around & try to do what they want.

It's hard for me to understand how one of those people, knowing that, could make use of me in the way she has. Understand an awful lot of things with terrible clarity, having a hard time understanding that, no complaints about it really, just don't understand it.

Anyway, it's making me feel pretty sad right now. That appears to be one of the things expected of me, actually. Very reliable.

Realized that between cake baking, aimless wandering, sad musing, showering, etc. I had neglected to eat any dinner. Fixed a frozen pizza, supplemented that with nutritious field greens. Healthy body, healthy mind. All fit & ready for something or other, pity.

Going to be a sad August. Never much cared for the month anyway.
This business of needing to take two showers a day to feel half human grows tiresome. Don't want to go all Vulcan just yet, though, so guess I need to put up with it for now. Later, we'll see.

T got home, had some cake, cake is tasty, we like cake.

So tired.
Just went for a pointless afternoon drive, unusual in these days of high gas prices, car unreliability & depressive homebodyism. Was kind of nice, listened to classic rock radio, looked at houses, got angry at being stuck behind slow drivers each with the inevitable 'Support Our Troops' ribbon magnet. Stopped in Easthampton & strolled around aimlessly under forbidding skies, thought about getting an ice cream, didn't.

Should probably go out with Peretz for a while before it starts to rain again.

Loving somebody who's gone away never to return, it's very painful, but it feels correct, about the only thing that does.
Peach cake process documentation.

Made a double recipe, force of habit (phrase I can't use without thinking of its use as a punchline to a really terrible joke), anybody wants any, etc., etc. Getting rid of it probably won't be an issue actually as T's very fond of it, but I do enjoy sharing, so feel free.
Big afternoon for forgetfulness & error, walked to town oblivious to the ongoing sidewalk sale, terrifying, ran into Bill Nace while getting burrito, he reminded me of music fest going on in Brattleboro today, tried to go to Serio's for eggs & butter thinking they closed at 2 on Sundays, close at 1, turns out. Got my eggs & butter from State St. Fruit Store instead, local eggs, hurrah.

Needed eggs & butter as I decided to make Russian fruit cake which I used to make frequently but had lost the recipe for years back. Found the cookbook while sorting videos yesterday, seemed a good use of some of the nice tart local peaches I bought.

The recipe is as follows:

"Fruit Cake (Belsky)

Almost any fruit can be used for this cake.

1 1/2 sticks butter
1 cup sugar
3 eggs
1 1/4 cups flour
3 large apples, pears or peaches, peeled, cored or pitted and coarsely chopped, or 6 plums, pitted & chopped

Cream butter & sugar. Add eggs one by one & continue to beat. Blend in flour & when dough is smooth work in fruit. Bake in a greased and floured 8 x 8 x 2 inch pan for 45 minutes in a 350 degree oven."

Never been quite sure if the omission of salt is intentional but it makes for an interestingly pronounced buttery, eggy quality which I find goes nicely with the floral notes of peaches or pears.

Waiting for the butter & eggs to come to room temperature.

Strange having so many of the things I love most tinged by dreadful loneliness & melancholy- baking, Skee Ball, the seaside, information retrieval, etc., etc. Doesn't stop me loving them, pressing on, weaker & worse, empty & hurt, pressing on.
Since its unexpected return my Joy Division Substance cd seems to have become my official dish washing music, generally finish filling drying rack just after 'She's Lost Control' comes on, funny.

Thinking about walking into town once my laundry's dry, maybe treating myself to some unwonted luxuries, burrito, maybe.

Was just told at length by parents about Persian buffet restaurant in Nashville they went to with my brother owned by the owner of the Fat Mo's chain of hamburger stands, sounds pretty impressive, interested to check it out, no idea when I'll be there next.

Hard to get used to pile of stuff missing from corner, in for a lot of that, I guess.