Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Just took a walk with Peretz by the light of a pretty fascinating half moon, now totally occluded by backlit clouds, now almost perfectly clear with a vivid orange-brown halo, now filtered by an irregularly textured veil- in one of the phases where it's hard to imagine anyone ever thinking it anything other than a sphere, the edge of the shadow making the curvature of the surface very plain.

Pretty sure I'm going to wake up with a cold, left nostril keeps closing up, temperature seems odd, don't know if it's high or low, been going through quantities of fluids.

Peretz just burst forth from the basement, panting heavily.
Seems my efforts on behalf of Simon Blackburn have borne fruit, got no reply to my email to UNC administrative type, but his UNC homepage now returns a 403 forbidden, looks like they killed his account. Small victories, hurrah.
Started feeling kind of ill at work, weird stomach pains, disoriented, came home, made the last of the strawberry pierogies, went & bought some stuff at store, felt like I was going to pass out in check out line, little old lady in front of me was having three orders rung up seperately, came home again. Lightheaded, cold sweat, muscle pains, could be coming down with something or could be I should eat more than 2 cookies & a peanut butter cup over course of day. Imagine my immune system is fairly fucked at the moment, so I think there's good chance the coming down with something option will turn out to be the winner.

Right elbow hurts, maybe I should stop typing.
Working from home due to service to a/c unit in server room, getting more done than normal, I think, should consider doing this more often. No distractions, more effective multitasking, Peretz seems happy about it also. Going to need to go back in a while to do some things on servers, hooray for crappy remote management capabilities.

Heightened nervousness I've been experiencing of late has gotten me revisiting various long standing academic interests, need to be careful with that stuff, it can make me crazier, still very tempting. 'What is truth?' asked jesting Pilate.

Suddenly have lots of grown up concerns, weird.
Finally managed to get some sleep. A little after seven I made a little noise in a half-awake state, made Peretz, asleep beside me decide it was playtime & he started barking & rolling around. After I got up, he moved on to posing in unusually obscene postures on couch, yawning, back to sleeping curled up in a ball now, he's back to normal, I think.

Advising T on necklace to wear with slinky, elegánt gray dress which she's wearing to work for some reason.

Should really shave, having some skin dryness issues, hopefully the folks at work can deal with me looking a little mountainous, troglodytic.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Finally got around to making myself some of that cocoa with mini marshmallows I got what seems ages ago, enjoying it now, not sure why I find it so difficult to do even rudimentarily nice things for myself, working on it. Also working on staying up slightly later, waking up at six in the morning has got to stop, no reason for it, makes me feel like crap by the end of the day.

Marvellous visions have been filling my head, would tell you all about them, but it would probably depress you. Take my word for it, things could be a lot better, but won't be. Funny tingly vibrations, should probably write some poems or something, not feeling as verbal as usual.
Need to find more excuses to drive around more listening to music, 'The Fairest of the Seasons', 'She's Lost Control', the list goes on & on, blissful little vector, on the way somewhere or other.

Peretz keeps wanting to go out very badly, hope he's ok.

Very tired, strange thoughts running through my head, not really verbalizable. Also keep thinking of things I want to tell people about.
Surprisingly productive & pleasant workday, got a little too tired to do much useful for the last couple hours, typical, agitate for the 30 hour workweek, would you, if you have time? Peretz seems to be having a minor digestive disturbance, luckily don't feel too attached to my sheets (nothing's happened to them yet, mind, but I've had experiences). Mindless routine = best thing for me, maybe I should remove some of the frontal lobe for good measure.

Had it with defective parasympathetic nervous system, going to bang on a counter somewhere & demand a replacement, might go overboard, end days in darkened cell, swinging from end of rope. Maybe you could write a country song about it.

T's watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, not much in the mood for uncomfortable social situations, still pretty funny.
Still waking up far too early despite time change. Feeling a lot better than I was yesterday, still very odd. Wish I were less annoying to myself & everyone else. Seems if anybody actually cares about me, eventually my own nervousness bleeds over onto them and they run screaming. A monster, a horrible monster. Didn't throw that little girl into the lake, honest.

Wow, NY Dolls' 'Frankenstein', quite an anthem, no radio play of course.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Trying to pull myself together enough to feel safe driving to show, walked Peretz, drank soda pop, doing moderately complex math in my head. Took a nap earlier, would probably be good if I could learn to take longer naps. Wrong weekend to be extended by Act of Congress.

Anyway, the plan is, lug heavy stuff to show, play show, hang out at show, lug heavy stuff back from show, walk Peretz, sleep, walk Peretz, go to work, come home & walk Peretz, go back to work, come home & walk Peretz, eat something, sleep, repeat ad nauseam. Eventually should feel more or less normal again.

Sorry I'm such a fuckup, love you folks.
Excessive posting again, I know, but it feels like I've been up for days, my surroundings moving in slow motion. Just went to town for a burrito, very slow couple ahead of me in line, couldn't decide what they wanted, took a long time to sign credit card receipt, made me want to scream, rip out my eyes. Too fast to work, too fast to write, I just burn, burn, burn...

Maybe a shower would help.

Peretz can tell something's wrong with me, pacing around nervously, licking my hand.
Sorted through gigantic backlog of mail on my coffee table while looking for current AAA card, sorted out personal/financial stuff for me & T, rest went to recycling, finally found card, neck hurts. Sustained hyperalert state holds great promise from a house cleaning perspective, doesn't seems so great otherwise. It's going to be a long day, week, month, etc.
Been thinking a lot about defense mechanisms lately, while I have a high aptitude for some of them, they don't really help all that much in my case & I often have to try to deal with things head on. That doesn't always work out so well, either. Mostly, it works out better than it used to & I can keep on slogging along with very short-lived collapses from time to time. Finding myself in the same situations again and again produces a sense of the uncanny, sure, but also some sense of comfort, if a little cold. I mostly know how to act to keep myself moving, anyway.

It's a chilly, windy day, just went out for a walk by myself in it, was questioned by a woman confused by the time change, sat on some benches, bought some cigarettes. Feeling a little sorry I got all my weekend work out of the way yesterday as I could really use something productive to do. Have a show to play in Holyoke later, lots of dead time between then & now, will try to fill it with something, not always easy living posthumously.
Fall back is right, feel like I'm 19 again, shit. Long slow climb back to partial functionality ahead, we'll see if experience reduces the trip time, shouldn't be too bad anyway, entertaining myself while doing extremely tiresome things is one of things I'm good at- made a game of the patterns formed by the little penciled in circles on standardized tests; obsessively calculate remaining trip time, time to various landmarks, mean velocity on long car drives; minutely observe my own psychological dynamics for future artistic exploitation.

Anyway, setting external & internal clocks to the new temporal regime, again, shit.
Just spent a little time trying to get Simon Blackburn's dead web page at UNC taken down. Wrote him about its being the first Google result for his name yesterday, that it is full of dead links, etc. Got a note back this morning saying he's been trying to get it taken down for five years, mails to the webmaster go unanswered, tears hair out daily, etc. Just sent a mail about it to one of the Vice Chancellors in their IT Dept., maybe she can figure it out. I'll keep an eye on it and bug other people if not.

Lots of Kafkaesque business afoot, at least this is kind of funny.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Feel like a drawing of myself, maybe one of those caricatures you get at fairs, standing on Saturn with a laptop, something like that. Have done some very bad things to myself lately, each seemed necessary at the time, probably were, actually. Have been feeling quite a wreck as a result, feel like something else now, hard to say what, changes from moment to moment. Strange visions, partial detachment, perfect facility, you don't know what I am.

Really, nor do I. Something moving.
Just took P out for a walk as there was a lull in rain, lull started to end a good distance from home, a little damp again. Made lunch of kale, bacon, onion, tomato, kidney beans, going to eat some shortly, possibly with a cheese-covered breadstick.

Worrying that 'kick up, kiss down' may not be a viable long term social strategy, would prefer 'kiss everybody', of course, but like my kisses sincere & heartfelt, so that's out. In the end, can't help how I was raised, sorry if I offend.

P really seems entirely back to his old self, quite a relief, hope it's justified.

Reading review earlier got me thinking about relation of moral statements to truth again, somebody please come distract me.
Wishing I had my copy of 'Richard Scarry's Best Rainy Day Book Ever', since I don't, going to go run errands- buy olive oil, wine & the like; put checks in bank; other things? Sodden feet, morning energies dwindling at the cusp of afternoon, going to try to get a little more done anyway.
Listening to early Pere Ubu, trying to get off effete folk kick, seems to be working. Blogger still heavily screwed sideways, feel like writing this morning, it's frustrating to work with a broken tool, sorry, everybody.
Just went out with Peretz, all wet, nothing you didn't know already. Listening to 'Pleasures of the Harbor', thinking of doing some dishes, maybe cooking that kale, drinking coffee, thinking. Hands are very cold, probably should've delayed shower till after walk, could always take another, I suppose.

Coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be that good at much of anything due to near total inability to practice, everything a half-assed improvisation, probably for the best, makes me less dangerous. Can trick myself into practicing a little if I think it's a performance, not that easy to trick unfortunately, though this medium seems to work pretty well.

My morning reading, can't tell you what it means to me that it ends with a reference to Wile E. Coyote because it's a secret. Found this article in the course of looking for comparative treatments of Kant's 'schematism' and Wittgenstein's 'criteria', kind of bewildering that I've read every single thing referred to in it apart from the book under review & Teilhard De Chardin, something used to be very wrong with me, different stuff wrong with me now.

Give a call, we'll hang out & I'll give you a present.
Two modes of operation, more or less constantly- directed activity, checking, backtracking, fixing, moving ahead, everything a linkage, everything a threat; falling, constant doubling and redoubling, eyes wide open, melting, detached, everything made of resemblances to everything else, everything perfect beauty. Order of machines, order of signs- longing to lose themselves in one another, working on rigorously differentiating themselves, planning each other's untimely death, ach, Lustmord des Weltsystems!
Fell asleep during escape attempt, woke up in the same old place, drag city. Had some very vivid recollections of dreams when I awoke, already faded, I think they were nice. Have a bit of a chill.

High wind advisories all weekend are making me think I'm going to end up at work shutting everything off at some point, not something I much feel like doing.

Peretz is alternating between sleeping in ball, desperately wanting attention, seems a little fed up with being a metaphor, "It's too easy, you should stretch yourself more, like I do," he says.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Made valiant effort to go to show anyway, almost nobody there, late starting, found myself fading out, having mild hallucinations, figured it would be safer, equally psychedelic, if I just went home. Peretz very happy & satisified to see me back, wondering what he put in my drink. May fall asleep to lovely scifi escapism now, or stay awake and actually watch some, imagine it will be riveting.

Feel very funny, laugh.
May go check out some contemporary Texas psych music in a bit, T's getting ready to go to Halloween party at her brother's outside Boston, Peretz wants to go out. Big week for fucked up messaging systems/messages at home & abroad, glad it's over.

Nice Japanese took edge off exhaustion, still a little spacey, dissociated, a lot of the time this week extreme fatigue has been making me feel more alert & intellectually capable, could just be mania, grandiosity, though I don't think I broke anything too badly, so probably not.
What I'm thinking about this morning: philosophical semantics is always a psychological theory of one sort or another, however much people would like to think otherwise, intensional or not, it's always dealing with language at an implementation level, also thinking that there is no way to make a genuinely rigorous distinction between semantics and pragmatics. Could be wrong about these things, don't think so, though. Thought you might like to know, please go back to constructing your general semiotics now, don't mind me.

Been thinking I should be studying interface design with a focus on presentation and interaction with large datasets, anybody want to give me a grant?
Frightening times. Just got yelled at while walking Peretz by person driving forklift who stepped in some dog's shit, was appropriately unpleasant in response, feel a lot more awake now. It's the war of all against all, man is wolf to the man, nasty brutish & short.

Feeling pretty shaky, didn't sleep too well, hope work will be OK, tempting to just head in now & get it over with.

Will probably do dishes instead, never did cook that kale last night as I didn't want to deal with the dishes, went & had pizza instead, nice to go get pizza, should do it more often.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Ended my workday telling a coworker about Sextus Empiricus & Loyola, not sure it was terribly work-relevant, apart from the obvious value of an at least partial incapacitation of the rational faculty when working with computers. Found being at work extremely difficult today, caught up on most of what I had been wanting to catch up on regardless, was a little too fuzzy to apply myself to research or documentation reading successfully, but that probably helped motivate me to catch up on routine tasks.

Going to take a longish walk with the dog, I think, though he's sleeping in his bed now, showing no signs whatever of wanting to go out, planning to cook some kale on our return, perhaps.
Feeling a lot better, still mostly want to go hide in my room. Been trying to lose myself in a maze of excessively complex technical documentation, hard to concentrate.
Still not feeling like the world is much worth bothering with, the plan is to move robotically through my day, return home to hide, same tomorrow, lather, rinse, repeat.

Keep expecting to wake up exposed on a mountaintop, feeling very cold, barely remembering my little village and my loved ones there, the forms made of fire in the sky will send me messages, but not ones of comfort, luckily I won't be coming back to tell of them.
At work, but not really here, not anywhere else either, just a nothing, a nothing that monitors, maintains & configures computer systems, as if by magic.

Having a fairly minimal self is quite convenient for certain purposes, but it does make it fairly likely that it will just fade away entirely from time to time, leaving just a small organic locus of suffering, probably other sensations too, wouldn't really know.

Still here enough to find the above plaint highly ridiculous, suffer, funny little man, you deserve it.
Fort/Da Game
Used to feeling like a deeply flawed tool in the hands of forces not of my own making, not so good at being a counter in someone else's game, a sign or marker in an interpretive strategy, shuffled to the bottom of the deck again.

Being used to calibrate someone else's sense of acceptable cruelty really sucks, no matter how necessary I think it is. I'm probably well-suited to the role in any case, unusual detachment from being hurt makes it pretty easy for me to be clear about the nature and extent of injury. Would probably be best if I could look at it as a temporary transfer from the Hammer & Screwdriver Dept. to the Bureau of Weights & Measures.

Peretz seems to be doing a lot better, he flipped out pretty badly just before bedtime last night, stayed with me all night, seems pretty normal this morning, maybe a little hungrier than usual.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Went to see some music. On way out of house, skunk ran from underneath my car into the bushes behind the trash cans. Music was nice, people were nice, started feeling tired and sad and worried about Peretz pretty quickly and came home again, nice to be home again. Nose itches really badly, should probably get a saline spray or something.
Left work slightly early in hope of having enough hours left in my workweek to provide some semblance of coverage in the absence of my boss who hurt himself moderately badly this morning and will be out not just tomorrow as planned but through Monday. Lots of rushing around made day go by pretty fast, did manage to catch up on work somewhat despite the rushing around, more catch up to do tomorrow, not a big deal really, unless something goes horribly wrong.

Got last installment of farm share today, kind of sad to see it go, but will at least be able to work through all my produce, luckily most fall vegetables keep pretty well. Need to send in renewal form with deposit for next year's at some point.

Peretz has seemed pretty happy & healthy today, though I just took him for a short walk & now he's down in the basement crying. Too many things going wrong at once, feel a lot of hostility toward myself for feeling I'm in my natural environment. Would like things to get better, honestly, even if it leaves me twitching in a corner, at a loss.
Trying to shift myself into a mindset in which I pay some attention to my own well-being, not something I'm very good at, too many things going on that I can't do much about right now, trying to convince myself that I need to keep myself in a fit state to deal with them and other situations that may emerge later as opportunities to do so arise, it's kind of a hard sell, may need to make myself some projects that somehow relate to things I actually care about, i.e., not myself, to keep myself busy, feel sense of purpose. Coffee is slowly whipping my brain into shape, long work hours over weekend left me not working much the past couple of days, lots to catch up on, feel urgent desire to go in & deal with it, also strong desire to sit here trying to comfort my dog.

T's been working herself sick in new job, she made some Russian-type apple pies for apple festivals at two of the branches where she works, they're quite good, a sort of cookie crust, think they may not be entirely to normal American tastes, like most Russian desserts, they're a bit dense & seem designed to go with tea, I really like them anyway. She said she would give me the recipe if I wanted to put it up here, measurements will probably all be by weight, though.

Finally finished that Murakami book last night, quite good, intelligent, highly psychologically plausible, was in kind of a blue mood, didn't much help with that unless intensification is a form of help, I guess I act like it is, often enough.
Lately, it seems the more sleep I get the worse I feel, got quite a lot last night. The overextension of myself I've been busy with the past few weeks seems to have finally had significant physical consequences beyond mere muscle pain, though that continues, aching joints, fuzzy brain, need a Buick and directions to the nearest breakfast bar. Coffee seems to be taking longer than usual to brew itself.

P woke T at 5 this morning with stomach upset, now he seems extremely sleepy, hope nothing's seriously wrong with him.

Ah, coffee is finally done.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

P does seem to feel a lot better today, though he is still flipping out periodically, making some of the saddest sounds I've ever heard. He's beneath my legs on the couch right now, resting his head on one of my calves, looking thoughtful, occasionally crying. I've also been flipping out periodically, but keeping it mostly at bay with extreme busyness in kitchen, all dishes have been cleaned, two quiches made, green curry well underway, am considering making something with apples. Wishing I had something fun to do, may be driven to catching up on maintaining web sites or something equally horrible.
Just made myself a tomato sandwich, local tomatoes & not half bad, still a sad shadow of summer, like myself. Still waiting on quiche, taking awhile, think oven may be running a little cold, again like myself.
Very stressful 45 minutes at work, making mushroom leek quiche now, Peretz is resting quietly on the other couch. Was thinking of taking him to the vet today, if he continues to seem basically calm and otherwise OK, I probably won't as he really hates it. Going to take him on a long walk once quiche is done, I think.
Been having quite a few more analogical perceptions than are really becoming to a vulgar materialist lately, in particular been tending to conceptualize relations to others in terms of my relation to the world (in short, love it very much, it's been very badly damaged, makes me angry & sad, feel guilty that I probably wouldn't love it as much if it weren't so badly damaged) for the past year or so, really wish I could stop feeling I had a relation to the world as a totality at all, been evincing an unwonted partiality to plenitude (I know, I know, let's get those SAT Verbal scores up, kids), at least been pretty good at keeping one eye on the fact that in the end, it will all end very badly. Anyway, if you haven't already, racers start your French-English dictionaries, it's time for more Rimbaud.

Aussitôt après que l'idée du Déluge se fut rassise,
Un lièvre s'arrêta dans les sainfoins et les clochettes mouvantes et dit sa prière à l'arc-en-ciel à travers la toile de l'araignée.
Oh ! les pierres précieuses qui se cachaient, - les fleurs qui regardaient déjà.
Dans la grande rue sale les étals se dressèrent, et l'on tirales barques vers la mer étagée là-haut comme sur les gravures.
Le sang coula, chez Barbe-Bleue, - aux abattoirs, - dans les cirques, où le sceau de Dieu blêmit les fenêtres. Le sang et le lait coulèrent.
Les castors bâtirent. Les « mazagrans » fumèrent dans les estaminets.
Dans la grande maison de vitres encore ruisselante les enfants en deuil regardèrent les merveilleuses images.
Une porte claqua, et sur la place du hameau, l'enfant tourna ses bras, compris des girouettes et des coqs des clochers de partout, sous l'éclatante giboulée. Madame*** établit un piano dans les Alpes. La messe et les premières communions se célébrèrent aux cent mille autels de la cathédrale.
Les caravanes partirent. Et le Splendide Hôtel fut bâti dans le chaos de glaces et de nuit du pôle.
Depuis lors, la Lune entendit les chacals piaulant par les déserts de thym, - et les églogues en sabots grognant dans le verger. Puis, dans la futaie violette, bourgeonnante, Eucharis me dit que c'était le printemps.
- Sourds, étang, - Écume, roule sur le pont, et par-dessus les bois; - draps noirs et orgues, - éclairs et tonnerre, - montez et roulez; - Eaux et tristesses, montez et relevez les Déluges.
Car depuis qu'ils se sont dissipés, - oh les pierres précieuses s'enfouissant, et les fleurs ouvertes ! - c'est un ennui ! et la Reine, la Sorcière qui allume sa braise dans le pot de terre, ne voudra jamais nous raconter ce qu'elle sait, et que nous ignorons.

On the bright side, Peretz just had very normal & pleasant play interaction with young pup, feel a little better about that anyway.
Funny how often poems have titles in addition to being their own names, maybe meant to be expressive of a certain nobility, but aren't we past all that? May be entering a very dark time, hours, days, weeks, forever- anyway, still have visions of pure form dancing in my head, we'll see what Santa leaves me tomorrow.

Ô mon Bien ! Ô mon Beau ! Fanfare atroce où je ne trébuche point ! chevalet féerique ! Hourra pour l'oeuvre inouïe et pour le corps merveilleux, pour la première fois ! Cela commença sous les rires des enfants, cela finira pas eux. Ce poison va rester dans toutes nos veines même quand, la fanfare tournant, nous serons rendu à l'ancienne inharmonie. Ô maintenant, nous si digne de ces tortures ! rassemblons fervemment cette promesse surhumaine faite à notre corps et à notre âme créés : cette promesse, cette démence ! L'élégance, la science, la violence ! On nous a promis d'enterrer dans l'ombre l'arbre du bien et du mal, de déporter les honnêtetés tyranniques, afin que nous amenions notre très pur amour. Cela commença par quelques dégoûts et cela finit, - ne pouvant nous saisir sur-le-champ de cette éternité, - cela finit par une débandade de parfums.

Rires des enfants, discrétion des esclaves, austérité des vierges, horreur des figures et des objets d'ici, sacrés soyez-vous par le souvenir de cette veille. Cela commençait par toute la rustrerie, voici que cela finit par des anges de flamme et de glace.

Petite veille d'ivresse, sainte ! quand ce ne serait que pour le masque dont tu nous as gratifié. Nous t'affirmons, méthode ! Nous n'oublions pas que tu as glorifié hier chacun de nos âges. nous avons foi au poison. Nous savons donner notre vie tout entière tous les jours.

Voici le temps des ASSASSINS.
Finally fell asleep watching cartoons, starting waking hourly around 3, finally gave and got up a little while ago, made coffee, sketching out plans of attack. Peretz wants to play 'Panzer Blitz' but there isn't a free tabletop, the Volokolamsk Highway scenario particularly fascinates him. Planning on cooking multiple semielaborate things today, kitchen wants cleaning first.

Not feeling quite as messed up as was last night, still feel pretty funny, slight catarrh.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Made steak for Peretz, reserved some for breakfast, he's working on the juices now, maybe it will cheer him up for a little while. T touched his back just now & his back muscles contracted suddenly, can't take it.
Passed out for a while, woken by phone around ten, gave cookery instructions, felt pretty messed up, acid stomach, papery lips, muscles hurt. Turned on lights, last one in living room burned out, typical. Took sick P for walk, stopped at corner market for bottled drink with potassium, keep moving soldier, fall asleep again & you'll freeze to death, tempting.

About to head out to corporate grocery megaplex for steak for P, ingredients for cookery for out of band day off tomorrow & beyond, hope to get a reasonable amount of rest, wake up fit for hunting fascists, tending to the wounded, patrolling the perimeter, etc.
Falling asleep at 7:30 seems a little excessive, may do it anyway, keeping drifting into highly confused mental state, feel like I was meaning to do some things, can't remember what. Didn't get P his steak, maybe at 2 am when I inevitably wake up, terrified.

P is drinking water, now coming toward me slowly wagging his tail.
So exhausted I can't see straight. P is being kind of pathetic at home, whining, licking back obsessively, very frisky when out on walk, has extremely good appetite, steak has been suggested as cure for what ails him, may go get one once I've had a chance to rest a bit. May need to take him to vet after all, no matter how much he hates it.

Sleep deprivation has been making my mind race, think it may be making me temporarily more effective, may be illusory, can't last.
Up really early again, kind of enjoying the fog, P isn't quite himself, very needy, just washed his back with warm damp cloth, will put on more ointment later. There's no swelling and the injured area doesn't seem particularly tender anymore, hope there's no long term effect on his ability to interact with other dogs.

Yesterday started with ridiculous work emergency, took hours to sort out, also spent some time dealing with work issues not really related to my job, then when I thought I was done, got another call from work over semiemergency, thankfully was able to sort that one out over phone. Managed to stay the hell away from computers for the rest of the day anyway. One of these days- real weekend, cell phone off, elsewhere doing something that doesn't involve computers or at least me fixing them, preferably does involve skee ball, tasty food, conversations on topics of interest.

Would be hard to overstate how unsettling P getting attacked has been, feel very out of sorts.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Peretz got puncture wound in back last night, attacked by ~150 lb. dog left loose by owner while she dug around in the back of her truck. 'He's never done that before,' was the claim, dog ran right up to P and tore directly into his back, makes me kind of doubt it. Probably some sort of parent here for the weekend. Fuck them all.

P seemed basically OK, a little out of sorts, cleaned wound with alcohol, antibiotic ointment brought by pal, he seems more OK this morning.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Slow progress on unfamiliar autumnal farm share produce continues, baking sweet potato pies, have squash and root vegetable green curry planned for some point, tomorrow probably. Really fucking exhausted, more to do on weekend than during week, should be a crash coming, but it really should've happened already, so maybe not. Just walked Peretz out in the sunny chill in my shirtsleeves, bit nippy.

Some sort of multicollege parents/prospective students convergence is making it nearly impossible to drive anywhere, renewed hatred of out of state plates despite how long I had one myself, hypocrite, that's me.
Trying to get my head around the day, lots to do, operating purely on nervous energy, sometimes nervous is good. Dishes, baking, pet care, various arrangements to be made, web sites to maintain, people to try to assist, what else?

Peretz is wandering the house, looking for something?

Listening to Donovan again, should figure out something else to listen to.
Whoever's in charge of these things- less clichés like 'Everything happens for a reason,' more like 'Nothing human is alien to me,' thanks.

Compare Emerson on mood with Sacks on proverbs:

"Our moods do not believe in each other. To-day I am full of thoughts, and can write what I please. I see no reason why I should not have the same thought, the same power of expression, to-morrow. What I write, whilst I write it, seems the most natural thing in the world; but yesterday I saw a dreary vacuity in this direction in which now I see so much; and a month hence, I doubt not, I shall wonder who he was that wrote so many continuous pages. Alas for this infirm faith, this will not strenuous, this vast ebb of a vast flow! I am God in nature; I am a weed by the wall."

"Now for proverbs, I take it that one of the core features of their sense and of their use is that they are 'atopical' phenomena. So, for example, the sense and relevance of 'a rolling stone gathers no moss' is not found by reference to geological or botantical considerations. Some of the work of of the neuropsychologist Kurt Goldstein and his associates may be relevant here. One of the things they've found for children, brain-damaged persons, and sometimes among schizophrenics is that a kind of test devised by psychologists indicates that these people cannot handle proverbs- they don't understand them, they don't know how to use them. There are many protocols of persons presented with a proverb and asked to interpret it, and they produce long discussions about various features and behaviors of, for example, stones and moss."

These things are important, but hard to keep fully in mind.

Anyway, need to walk the dog, the day looks to be a beautiful one, wish there weren't so much sadness in it.

Friday, October 20, 2006

MPAA offers aid & support to antigay hate group
Found a copy of that trash talk after all, here it is:

'I have not produced a translation of "Jabberwocky". I tried to translate a fragment of it, but it bored me. I never liked this poem, which always struck me as an affected infantilism... I do not like poems or languages of the surface which smell of happy leisures and of intellectual success - as if the intellect relied on the anus, but without any heart or soul in it. The anus is always terror, and I will not admit that one loses an excrement without being torn from, thereby losing one's soul as well, and there is no soul in "Jabberwocky"... One may invent one's language, and make pure language speak with an extra-grammatical or a-grammatical meaning, but this meaning must have value in itself, that is, it must issue from torment... "Jabberwocky" is the work of a profiteer who, satiated after a fine meal, seeks to indulge himself in the pain of others... When one digs through the shit of being and its language, the poem necessarily smells badly, and "Jabberwocky" is a poem whose author took steps to keep himself from the uterine being of suffering into which every great poet has plunged, and having been born from it, smells badly. There are in "Jabberwocky" passages of fecality, but it is the fecality of an English snob, who curls the obscene within himself like ringlets of hair around a curling iron... It is the work of a man who ate well - and this makes itself felt in his writing...'
There's a William Blake/Edward Lear death match going on in my head with the relative positions of the ludic and visionary imaginations in the great chain of being hanging in the balance, Lewis Carroll and Antonin Artaud in the wings, ready to tag in.

Reading that over seems it's ludic by a hair in a technical decision, not very satisfying for the fans.

Artaud did do some pretty exciting trash talk before the bout, don't have a copy handy, you'll have to look it up yourself.
Yeah, yeah, I know, a little over the top with the blog posting this morning, feeling a little manic, sorry about that.

I think that most people who try to talk about it have a tendency to either or simultaneously over and understate, but above all misstate, the effect of all the new communications modalities that are popping up. The treatment of blogs is instructive in this regard. Political blogs are generally taken as the paradigm case despite being exemplary only in their collecting an intensified version of everything that's worst about blogs in general (can basically be summarized as 'echo chamber of stupidity'), and there is an extreme polarization of response to this (e.g. 'Radically changing the face of American politics', 'An echo chamber of stupidity'). What appears to be actually happening with them is that despite being an echo chamber of stupidity they have rapidly become a driving force of the news cycle, I mean, Jesus, this blog has been the source for at least one news story I'm aware of, but political blogs aren't really all that interesting, the only reason they have such an effect is that the echo chamber of stupidity is much wider in extent, encompassing the news media and American politics generally. The thing I think is most interesting about the medium is the one to a relatively small number of others broadcast nature of almost all blogs which I think fosters some very new ways of relating. Again, the mainstream focus has been on the very popular blog, its potential as source of revenue, etc., but these are barely interesting at all, typical broadcast media with a little bit of interactivity tacked on. Anyway, I do think some odd new things are afoot, but no one seems to really notice.
Thinking about Zardoz, Barbarella, Logan's Run. I think a major reason more recent scifi movies have been so lame for the most part is that they have little to no interest in exploring changes in the nature of human sexuality. Maybe somebody should try to make a movie of one of the Iain M. Banks novels or 'Stars in my Pocket, Like Grains of Sand'? No chance, I know, I know. To the extent this is treated these days, interest seems to be limited to sexuality becoming more computer mediated, not sure if American sexuality could really be much more computer mediated than it is presently. Apart from the driving role porn plays in the development of new web technologies, it seems like every time I hear about somebody's new relationship it came about via Internet, doesn't matter if it's somebody very like me meeting soulmate via Flickr or a sweet little old lady arranging some action on the side in a Yahoo! chat room, lost track of how many instances of this I've come across in the past few years, seems to have quietly become the dominant mode of meeting new people. I should probably be more careful.
A theme is developing, wondering how and when 'senior citizen' entered common usage, as it seems deeply fascistic, probably some time after the Nazis lost the battle and won the war, 50s?

Was really sad about my grandma going into a nursing home but was pretty glad the one she went into was called 'The Central New Jersey Jewish Home for the Aged'. Am also informed that 'Aged' is the LoC heading. Some day we're gonna be dignified and old, together.
Been trying to think of the all time dopiest spoken word parts of pop songs, here's what I've come up with so far:

"The continent of Atlantis was an island which lay before the great flood in the area we now call the Atlantic Ocean. So great an area of land, that from her western shores those beautiful sailors journeyed to the South and the North Americas with ease, in their ships with painted sails. To the East Africa was her neighbour, across a short strait of sea miles. The great Egyptian age is but a remnant of The Atlantian culture. The antediluvian kings colonised the world, all the Gods who play in the mythological dramas in all legends from all lands were from fair Atlantis. Knowing her fate, Atlantis sent out ships to all corners of the Earth. On board were the Twelve: the poet, the physician, the farmer, the scientist, the magician and the other so-called Gods of our legends. Though Gods they were - and as the elders of our time choose to remain blind let us rejoice and let us sing and dance and ring in the new- Hail Atlantis!"

Not sure this one is actually so dopey in some ways, also performed it once and it was really fun, one of those things where it could be a perfect statement of my sentiments with only slight modifications, still very silly.

"Breath deep
The gathering gloom
Watch lights fade
From every room
Bedsitter people
Look back and lament
Another day's useless
Energy spent

Impassioned lovers
Wrestle as one
Lonely man cries for love
And has none
New mother picks up
And suckles her son
Senior citizens
Wish they were young

Cold hearted orb
That rules the night
Removes the colours
From our sight
Red is gray and
Yellow white
But we decide
Which is right
Which is an Illusion"

This one is definitely powerful dopey. The use of 'Senior citizens' in a pretentious psychedelic poem one of the high points of our culture,

Looking for more examples to think about, get to it, kids.
Seems like the more sleep I get the worse I feel, let's have beans with every meal.

Señor Citizen Center across the street is shaping up to be the Señor Citizen Center of Death, just in time for Halloween, careful with those roofbeams, carpenters. The level of destruction happening on my street lately makes me think I should be staying away from my orgone accumulator, it's just too strong, too strong.

Peretz is busily being a warm ball in a complex arrangement of blankets and pillows that he keeps referring to as his 'Opus'. Remembering naming cat with crushed leg my mom rescued from the street near her work when I was 15 Leopold after Bugs Bunny cartoon in which Bugs Bunny enters concert hall dressed as conductor and audience members say 'Leopold' a lot. Remembering being six years old at Hebrew School, making an Abraham Lincoln finger puppet and having it say 'Meet me at my Gettysburg Address', teacher tried to tell me that it was a speech, why are people so fucking stupid? Not watching enough Looney Tunes is why.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Thinking about Professor Challenger setting his wife upon the stool of penance, people are pretty comical, pity they enjoy killing each other so much.

Some nice person ignored the various repressive copyright regimes and took the time put one of my all time favorite philosophy papers up for public consumption, another nice person was kind enough to tell me about it, why not read it and be forever changed?

Feeling a little sad, should've used the power of positive thinking.
Feeling empty & hostile, back to normal, pretty much.

Just went out for a beer with coworker, the tiresomeness of people in bars, out for fun. Lovely night, cool, but the humidity makes it seem a sort of mellowed balmy. The calming air didn't detract one whit from the roving hostility of my gaze on my walk home, what a lot of jerks there are out in the world.

Made a nice stir fry earlier with some Asian cooking greens whose name I can't recall, back to cooking it seems, life must be in the process of getting boring again, still no progress on squash.
Just back from a longish walk with Peretz, fed him breakfast, having more coffee.

In addition to having pores, that is to say there being flows between self and nonself, my concept of self appears to be fractal in nature, that is, at any point in the space over which the concept ranges (i.e., the world) its being part of myself is indeterminate prior to actual investigation, there are edges everywhere. These porous edges are further characterized by a certain fogginess, with large zones of undecidability on either side. There appears to be a zone of greater density of applicability in the proximity of my organism, but even were the 'concept' merely fractal, this would be indeterminable as fact given finite time, as things are, the matter is quite hopeless. As I say, I don't think this is in any way peculiar to me and think that anyone who gives the matter much thought will tend to have similar findings. It's sort of troubling to have a concept with these qualities so central to thinking about things, though I suppose it could be useful as an easy means of generating aporias, if you enjoy that sort of thing.
A major problem with maintaining two sets of behavioral standards, one for myself and one for others, is my frequent inability to distinguish between myself and others. I don't think this is anything especially peculiar to me, but I do think a certain obsessiveness with regard to myself intensifies the effect. Essentially, a long time ago, more or less as a mechanism for coping with destructive urges arising from my extreme hatred of certain aspects of the world, I embarked on a program of systematic self-negation with the aim of preserving everything else. An unfortunate consequence of this, given the extreme porousness of my concept of self (which porousness makes it not really a concept at all, actual concepts divide the world into what is and what is not something) is that I have a tendency to hurt those closest to me, mistaking them for myself. It would be nice if I could stop doing this.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Been trying to see safe paths through the woods, feel like I can now, but don't trust myself. Worst case: everyone devoured by bears, send a note to mother if you can. Best case: everyone gets home safe, throw a party.
Gray drizzly morning, not as cold, P's still trying to eat mulch. Having muscle spasms in my neck, lots of work to do today, just did some of it, school advisory board committee meeting this evening, not sure how to survive it, took some ibuprofen, will see how long I stay functional.

My attitude toward my own pain is deeply inconsistent with my attitude toward pain in others. Tempting as it is to resolve this by seeing my own as a matter of significance or that of others as a triviality and secondary matter, can't seem to do so, luckily my attitude toward cognitive dissonance is the same, as it is a kind of pain.

Trying to plot a course by dead reckoning as instruments are fried, will get this capsule back to Earth one way or another, won't swear it'll land in one piece. If it doesn't, I'd appreciate it if one of the viewers at home would say goodbye to my nonexistent wife & children for me, if you could, please do so while looking at the Pleiades on a clear night, thanks.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Today's being kind of a drag. Don't feel as bad as yesterday by any means, just really bummed out. On my lunch break, just went for a walk in the cold rain with P, he kept trying to eat mulch. Very low energy, unfocused, wish somebody would send me a candygram or something, maybe one of those singing ones. 'Candygram for Mongo,' Looney Tunes theme, kaboom, just beautiful.

Should probably get some movies to watch or something that doesn't require too much effort to take my mind off things. Maybe the glacial slowness of things will etch some interesting features onto my surfaces, I don't know.
Still waking up far too early, spending a lot of time being terrified, that's basically ok.

Been having a lot of interesting reflective moments, a lot of things about myself are being made more clear, feeling like I may be able to do something about some of them for once, kind of a difficult prospect, but interesting. Finding it a lot easier to be straightforward and honest with people, I'm usually pretty ok at it, getting better at it I think, sort of relaxing. Feeling a lot more comfortable with myself, which, given the nature of my self, should probably be pretty disturbing, but isn't.

Entering some odd ecstatic states where all seems in harmony, the world a perfect work of art, etc. It's not that I don't realize pretty fully the horror of what's going on, but I find myself slipping into a sort of extreme esthetic attitude where everything manifests perfect beauty.

I love you all very much.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Coming to realize that I have become far more mentally stable than I once was, it's strange. Spent a very long time operating under the assumption that I was fundamentally unreliable, more than people in general I mean, prone to total collapse at fairly minor provocations, no longer feel this to be the case, not sure how to adjust myself to it.

Spent some time with pals from out of town earlier, cut short by call from work, was very nice to see them, but wasn't feeling all that social anyway.

T just arrived with groceries, hurrah. P is arranging things on his bed.
Here are some things to understand about me, in case you were wondering: I am extremely intolerant of people expecting my sense of obligation to others to be mediated through them whatever their relationship to me or anyone else, people surveilling me makes me feel like a hunted animal, I am almost entirely unwilling to pander to people. Hope that helps. Have a nice day.
Some very bad feelings that I'd thought I'd mostly dealt with are back, not in full force by any means, still feeling pretty haunted, or maybe minus the a, not very nice, don't like feeling dangerous, feeling like I'm in danger tends to do that, sadly.

Peretz is looking out the window into the fog, nice to have someone looking out for me.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Don't know why I still allow myself to be disappointed by people or why I'm surprised when it happens, but when it does, it's as though a light has been switched off & I no longer see them as fully human. Sometimes it gets better again, but not usually. I realize that people not living up to my fairly arbitrary standards is not a good reason for me to lose all empathy for them, but that's what happens. I generally feel like shit about it, but that's what happens.
Keep having the feeling that Itzpapalotl is passing by my window, my eyes flicking to the right.

Slightly less agitated, decided to give TV a miss, listening to 'Muswell Hillbillies', giving the Murakami another shot.
As the sun set slowly in the west, black mood transitioned into hardcore panic incident, have it mostly under control at the moment, will see how long that lasts. It is my impression that the most widely used remedy for misery & terror, at least in my general locality, is television, may give it a shot.
Tried to go into town to read, found I couldn't manage it. Thinking thoughts of a darkness probably best not fully registered here. Our present society needs to go, a constant torture to those who least deserve it. I don't think it's going anywhere, sadly. There is, though, at least some justice insofar as I am forced to watch this happen, try to help and fail, again and again. Hard to imagine a more fitting punishment.

Peretz is lying flat on the other couch, looking away.
Warmed up & ate some leftovers, back to reading 'Norwegian Wood'. Narrator is reading 'The Magic Mountain' & it got me thinking I should read some Mann again, often the ways he writes are so similar to ways I might potentially think or write that I find him quite dull, simultaneously it's deeply alien & perhaps dangerous for me, may read some anyway at some point, would welcome suggestions.

Generally feeling pretty tempted by 'serious' literature again lately, has the potential to be very bad for me, hard to explain, basically though, I take it, like so many things, way too seriously.

Intermittent fantasies of being a very different person- far less rational & preoccupied with others, happier. Would like to be sliding gracefully down a mirrored hall full of floating, pretty pictures, constantly surprised by the relationships they reveal to one another, totally heartless. Think it's too late for me, though, if it's not for you, you might want to consider doing same.

Waiting for my cell to pick up a decent charge, then it's probably out into the world with my depressing little book.
Mood is infiltrating external conditions, clouding over, chill in the air. May be pathetically fallacious, feels real.

Peretz enjoyed his outing, rolled around a lot, ate some dirt, pulled urgently, etc. We're more alike than you might imagine.
Extremely sad & tired, managed to get work done anyway, so things proceed pretty much as normal, I suppose. Very nice out, need to take P on a proper outing- despite some well deserved reproachful looks for my neglect of him over the past couple of days, he's been being very supportive and deserves some extended outdoor fun. Lovely day for it, though the contrast between my insides & the outside is such that I feel pretty off kilter, maybe if everything was moved slightly to the left.

One thing's in perfect harmony anyway, things are odd lately & so am I. Sorry if I can't be exactly what you want, it's not for lack of trying.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Again with the up way too early, again with the intense natural beauty, too much for little old me, perhaps.

Spending a lot of time thinking about stuff, a lot more than usual & usual is pretty a lot, not as fucked up and tormented a mode as usual, still wistful.

Going to try to eat a lot of tasty food.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Finally making some headway on the backlog of vegetables, squash remains problematic. While I like squash very much, there appears to be a marked limit to how interested I am in cooking with it. The arrival of sweet potatoes further complicates matters. African stews, casseroles, pies, turnovers? None of these are typical of my cooking, will require some exertion, not sure I have the energy at present.

Funny vibrations have returned, uncertainty reigns.
Went into town to get some pheromone baited pantry moth smiting traps, pharmaceutical/hygenic needs, canned green chiles. Teddy bear hoodie in full effect, all hopped up on coffee, listening to T. Rex, looking for Amanda Hugginkis. Finally got around to showering, feel refreshed.

Peretz is in a funny mood, seemingly both relaxed & sullen, afraid I've been letting the longer walks slip lately.
Home from work early. Loving heart teddy bear pin has been repaired, just tossed special loving heart teddy bear pin hoodie into wash, am going to take Peretz for a walk on the levee, dragging him away from rotting potatoes by the roadside, no doubt, wash myself once home &, when hoodie is dry, will once again be in a fit state to spread lovable eccentricity all over you.

Further events cast doubt on the reality of things, odd conjunctions, spinning mystic wheels emanating lessons of universal significance, should probably start getting more sleep. Afternoon nap was suggested, tend to be dangerous for me like so many other nice things, maybe if I got a bed of nails.

Sweating profusely, hopefully hot shower will kick glands, limbic system into shape for the trials ahead.
Feeling a little old, up early in the chill morning, frost, need to be drinking more water, need to be out looking for an all you can eat breakfast bar. Know where one is, actually, but it's a bit of a piece, maybe later.

Not really sure what's been going on with me otherwise, spending a lot of the time very tired.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

It seems it's the week of the endlessly deferred meeting, while sympathetic to such formations in the abstract, down here in the mud it's stressing me out a little. Came into work this morning with head full of ideas about little projects to get on with, I am, in fact, grade A genuine batshit crazy.

Soon to go out on an errand of work, looking forward to moving through the Fall day, not looking at computer screen, thinking thoughts of you.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Made nutritious meal (involving kohlrabi), went out with dog, now very cold & wet. Feel pretty relaxed for the first time in a bit, not sure how long really, probably not very, time is stretching out in funny ways lately.

Peretz is running around in the basement barking, wish I had something as satisfying to do when cold & wet.
Actually got some sleep, trying to get magic coffee powers to activate, keep banging fists together, not producing usual blinding flash, little popping noises instead. Hope the city doesn't get destroyed.

Think I've been on a bit of a downhill literary slide, harsh reality not the poet's friend, need at least a little gaiety in the mix to keep things interesting, generate contrast. My basically comic outlook has been tested, found wanting, don't have another lying around close to hand, will have to limp along with a wanting outlook, heavy stuff on my back.
Seems another long night is ahead, reading in an effort to stave off pure terror, hard to concentrate. Doing my best. Apparently, it's not so hot.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Things are being fairly awful. Constant fear, little sleep.

There have been some nice things happening too, but it doesn't seem like it right now.

Love to everybody, you might think I don't mean it, but I do.
Listening to 'Hi it's been a long time' a few times to get into appropriately messed up frame of mind for public appearance, had some coffee too, pretty much like you. Feeling altered.

Don't think Peretz wants me to go out, can't always do what Peretz wants.

Haven't been out to a show in a while, look forward to seeing people sort of, wonder what sort of horrible things I'll say. Feeling more & more like going into a hunker down, prepare for sudden action mode- sketchy, vicious, unforgiving. Sometimes I'm not a very nice person.
My pizza dream came true, anyway, slowly returning to human form, no memory of the past several hours, stains on shoes. Cleaning with toothbrush now.

Peretz wants attentions, walks, pizza crusts. Want to go to show later, hopefully will be poorly attended & I'll be able to cope with being there (I think the music is mostly electronic/laptop noise, so I'll probably be in luck).

T's watching 'The Matador', everytime I look at the screen, awkward & depressing sex is happening, seems like an OK movie.
Wrote some captions for a Halloween comic strip in my head while walking the dog, just wrote them down and mailed them to a possibly interested party, hope they're useful.

Keep waking up far too early, I am better at getting things done in the morning, but don't much like it.

Peretz has climbed atop a large pile of pillows and blankets, is looking soulful.

Troubling longings, melancholy thoughts, the usual.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Making lentils, feeling incredibly burnt, hope I don't doze off and burn my lentils, irregular heartbeat, eyes hurt, everything hurts. Beautiful weather made my brain happy, but it still can't reliably generate the correct word about 10% of the time, making this somewhat challenging to write. At work earlier, I was rampantly mistyping, inverting letters, using the wrong word, using a word I meant to use later in the sentence, finally decided to pack it in & go have a burrito. Helped a bit, but the effect is fading, bye.
Amazed to find that long life fluorescent bulb I got to replace burned out one in incredibly cumbersome bathroom light fixture was identical in all respects to the one replaced which I installed some three years ago. Took quite a while at the hardware store figuring out which one was most appropriate- as I find in so many case, consistency of evaluative schemata operates perfectly well in place of memory.

A little hazy, rattled, a mind to match yet another misty morning, cold, hidden things moving behind the trees.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Trying to reconcile the evil & horror of the world with my experience of yesterday, not making much progress, but am working on it. We're all going to be hunted down and used for meat, is there anything fun we could do in the meantime?

Trying to empty my mind of all thought, operate in pure perception, not sure what my adrenaline levels are right now, but it's very tempting to go out and pick some fights.

What's Peretz doing in the basement?
Finally managed to do some dishes, pots are soaking in the sink, made a fresh pot of coffee & am trying to get my head around things. Fall Festival tentatively on agenda, may try to go over some logs later. Peretz is pressed up against me, vigorously chewing on his ass.

May also try to catch up on neglected reading, still haven't finished children's book, first time in recent memory I've not completed one in a day or two. Listening to Steely Dan, I know, I know...
Chill gray morn, beauty projected for later, couldn't be more beautiful than yesterday, sadly. A hunger for beauty is only satisfied by perfect beauty & not for long. Dreamed of benign cosmic entities, moving within themselves & me, should've been frightening, wasn't.

Peretz just went down to the basement.

Work operations went surprisingly smoothly, wish there was more opportunity for solitude there. Should be catching up on household tasks, maybe will get to it in a bit.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Had experience of indescribable natural beauty earlier, won't try to describe it, but it sure threw me for a loop, don't really feel like the same person. I should probably get out more.

While out running around with Peretz, learned that the Ashfield Fall Festival is on, will maybe check it out tomorrow.

Some grim business to attend to at work later, waiting till I'm sure no one's there to strike.

Peretz is gnawing on a bone on his bed, there's a cold draft, funny aches & pains, elbow joint, toe.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Looking into new ways of becoming invisible, maybe no one will notice. Also working on some refinements of my self-loathing, please mention anything about me you find particularly despicable via the handy comment feature & I'll do my best to dwell on it.
Spent some time as wobbly ball of fear, very brief nap, now feel a bit better. Without music life would be a mistake.

Should probably spend some time in the chill sun, feel a bit flushed, washed out, crushed. Shhhhhhh.
Just walking around Ingleside North with Peretz, he was very interested in all the migratory birds. Despite my knowing well I couldn't deal with it, very tempted to take flight with them to a place of warmth. Trying very hard to condense myself to a point as a more feasible alternative, it kind of hurts, though. I think as a point the vibrations might make pretty pictures.

Lost in a maze of ambiguous and otherwise indefinite references? Signs point to yes/no/maybe.
While putting on fresh clothes, found Peretz had dragged horrible filth across my bedsheet, laundering it now. Coffee, while clearly necessary, and delightful, is sadly not suffcient. Maybe a donut?

Carrying the darkness of these times around in my pocket is a drag, but can't seem to make myself take it out & leave it lying around, some innocent might find it, making me even more deserving of the harshest penalties.

Once again, I've said the wrong thing. Try not to take it too seriously.
Trapped in a dark room, screaming. There's a door with no doorknob on the inside. On the outside there's a doorknob, it's not even locked. Passers-by look away, embarrassed.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Slowly managing to chill out despite fairly constant loud alarums & c., judicious use of vodka & lime, Beatles last night the midwife of my present state, I think- funny how my memory slips. A few outstanding issues at work, but none I have any control over, watch & wait, watch & wait.

The beauty of the day would be difficult to overstate, except perhaps in comparison to yours.

Peretz is in a mood for investigation today, just patrolled the "scene of the crime" apparently, he wants me to look at some photographs with circles & arrows, etc.

Thinking a lot about records I listened to when I was a little kid, vinyl sides on repeat all night, mostly stuff my parents bought in college & forgot about. I came because I had to, I'm the one who saw.

Call from T to see if she left a book on the couch, she did, not sure if that's good or bad.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Farmer lady at farm share asked 'How you doing?' I said 'kind of tired' she said 'You always say that, maybe you should look for another job.'

New levels/depths of work chaos revealed through short circuit, me being left out of loop, need to go back later, am I ever tired.

Lightheaded, woozy, having identity crisis, checking all rooms for escape routes, possible sources of attack.
Was just talking with a friend about reading about 'The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio' as a child, "it isn't his nose that grows." The 70s were a very innocent time, elementary school calisthenics to 'Superfreak', 'Le Freak', etc. 'Free to be you and me' in the school library, mildly subversive school librarian reading us Shel Silverstein, reading 'James & the Giant Peach' over and over again & all of Robert Heinlein's books, going to see 'Life of Brian', 'Alien' with my mom, finding bug covered pornographic magazines under logs in the woods near where the Boy Scouts met, where did it all go wrong?

Street in front of our house torn up for senior center plumbing installation, lots of beeping and scraping, the world become dentist's office.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Inability to correctly parse 24 hour clock despite or perhaps due to my recent refamiliarization with the 24 hour workday means I'm done with work 2 hours earlier than I expected, where is my parade?

Stomach cramps adding new ripples to an already highly textured experience, wishing I had some delicious local soda, wishing I had an off switch, wishing I could learn to keep my mouth shut. Yesterday I was looking at my cell phone at 11:11 and made a wish, I'd tell you all about it, but it's a secret. Wow, a new leaf.
Whhheeeeee, nervous wreck, trying to be less of a nervous wreck, seem intent on doing things to make myself more of a nervous wreck, stupid stupid stupid, doing my best, but still stupid stupid stupid. Sorry everybody, will try to do better in future.

Horrific work death march continues, something to brag about being in on to the little ones in the new society, I suppose.

Enough about me, how about you?
Relatively expensive hardware cost estimation, relatively cheap hardware purchasing, looked for a book, had the closest approximation to a serious talk I've had in years, dealt with emergency brought on (as in so many cases) by a copy protection dongle, warming up leftover bisque, will return to work later to deal with lower priority emergent situation.

Pretty vacant, no future, etc., etc.
Don't know how much of my seeming inability to finish or consummate much of anything is down to my finding the beginnings and middles of books so much better than the endings. This is true of philosophy books particularly which tend to start strong, get overly involved, then either peter out or build to a falsely bang up finish (see Hegel). The same is true to a lesser extent of more popular varieties of fiction of course, feeding my interest in serial works & seriality generally, the heavy use of recapitulation in Zelazny's Amber books, the recurrence of the stock situation in Edgar Rice Burroughs, etc. My interests in thought as process or activity & in troubleshooting complex systems are down to this same basic reaction/impulse, I think.

Really wanted to end that quote from 'Inferno' I put up the other day one stanza earlier, but for some reason felt I needed to let Dante tell the lies he felt the need to (& I'm quite sure he knew as well as I do that they are lies, utter bullshit) to get to his period. The dark wood is where the action is.

So, little girl, nice hood, where you headed?

Monday, October 02, 2006

Closed out Yom Kippur festivities with shrimp bisque, challah, Manischewitz concord grape 'wine', Book of Life well & properly closed for the year, good riddance.

Can't believe it's only Monday, oh no oh no oh no.
Sitting at work feeling like I'm going to vomit, sneezed a little while ago & my nose started bleeding, feel like I've received multiple swift kicks to the temple. I know I should be taking better care of myself, pretty sure I'm not capable of it & need looking after, deeply unlikely that I'll allow anyone to do so, the only vacuum cleaner that doesn't lose suction.

Remembering a couple of scifi books about a dyson sphere (the so-called 'Saga of Cuckoo') by Frederick Pohl & Jack Williamson that had a deep impact on me when I was very young- the thing that made the biggest impression was the use of instantaneous matter transport that made copies of people elsewhere rather than just moving people from place to place, always thought such technology would fit in well in a TV series as it would allow one to horribly kill beloved characters over & over again.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Just drove past groups of the devout (well, more devout than me, anyway) walking home from synagogue. Touching, in a way, though I imagine most of it is based more in a lack of genuine religious feeling than anything else- me, I've got plenty & nothing much to do with it outside of satire, parody, travesty, farce. What does one do with mystical experiences when one doesn't have a hook to hang them on? Be a bit crazy & have everybody misunderstand your motivations, seems like.

Was pretty satisfying writing poem earlier though I was none too pleased with the result, should maybe try to do more, they do take a lot out of me & I fall in ruts easily, we'll see what happens.

There is a crack in the world & I can't tell if the evil is flowing in or out, but a lot of it seems to be getting splashed all over me in either case. It's always seemed to me that people loving each other should be easy, the most natural thing in the world & that when it isn't, alien forces are at work. The invasion has begun, I guess- get out your headcolds & water pistols if it'll make you feel better.
Went to Westhampton to get my Yom Kippur ham, on the way back a tree and power lines had fallen across Route 66. Listen up, such obstacles only encourage me, toss your petty thunderbolts as you may- a living god has far more to answer for than a dead one long rotted away to a menacing nothing, so bring it on, fucker.

OK, preheating oven.
Working on a perfect attendance medal for my seminar in Advanced Panic States, sadly today's Ritual Combat practicum has been called off due to rain, will need to find some sad substitute.

Managed to knock my loving heart teddy bear pin off my hoodie with my seatbelt again, will repair later, hands are shaking now, no hoodie for a bit, I guess, soaked anyway. Got a fortune cookie, 'You are demonstrative with those you love,' earlier, I imagine it seems that way to some people, I'm actually not at all. Would try an actual demonstration some time if I could think of anybody it wouldn't really freak out.

Afraid the neighbors will steal my new low-key self when it arrives, at least it might cut down the late night banging a little.
Woken from scary dreams by heavy rain, wrote a dubious, excessively modern sonnet that I don't have the gall to reproduce here. Just back from a wet walk with Peretz, cold, empty, what is he doing in the basement? Ah, he's back, spreading damp on the blankets, cleaning himself.

Again, my loves, don't despair, there is comfort, just not for me.