Saturday, September 30, 2006

Did some work, now doing laundry, wearing pyjamas. Had incredibly painful headache, hot shower seems to have mostly gotten rid of it, still dull pain, eye twitching. Watching cartoons, if eye would stop twitching would get back to children's book.

Note to self: remember to pick up Yom Kippur ham tomorrow.

Extended exposure to variety of chaos to which I had become unaccustomed has provoked reflective mood, nothing good will come of it. A little tired of being intense person, did some poking around on Internet, new low-key self should be arriving soon by post.
Having a hard time winding down, should probably be out tracking down some game, walking perimeter of territory, noting likely sources of threat to relate to others back at cave, instead felled by visions, will try to warn of and takes measures against whatever threats are revealed.

Maybe do some work later?
Cold & damp, nice to have something to turn my collar to.

Talking to my mom on the phone, she's found a good source of fresh keloid tissue, undegraded RNA, hooooo-ray.

Read some of 'Norwegian Wood' yesterday, was kind of bummed that the protagonist didn't much like 'The Graduate'.
Starting my day with cup of joe, 'Bela Lugosi's Dead', chills. Actually ran into some goths at a burrito place last night, very pleasant & helpful, notified us the place was out of beans, gave us time to consider our options.

Peretz wants to go out very badly, need to collect myself a little more first, keep finding bits under the couch, etc.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Sip sup sap.
I need to take a nap.
I woke up too early, I woke up too early.
Kip cup cap.

No joke, feeling a bit anemic.
People are for the most part both reasonably nice and incredible assholes, they deserve no credit for the niceness & no censure for being assholes, they're just not worth bothering with.

Got this mass mailing from NoPornNorthampton today full of pitful attempts at powerful rhetoric and things I imagine the writers think of as subtly persuasive, a long list of porn titles, some with descriptions, that I guess I'm supposed to be horrified by. Never really given much of a damn about stuff like this myself, sure exploited workers, people treated as sex objects, what else is new? What's the problem with treating people as sex objects anyway, they certainly are, among other things? My impression is that all these people actually care about is the value of their precious houses and the coddling of their precious offspring. As I would prefer the value of their houses to go down so I could afford one & their children to be corrupted so they'd eventually be worth talking to, it's hard to be too sympathetic.

OK, stuff to do.
Feeling a bit like standing around public events with a placard reading "Ps 90:9-10" but think people might get the wrong idea.

T is singing 'We Got Married' to me, talking of signs and omens. Portents, importance, impotence.
Finally got some sleep, actually feel pretty well rested despite disruption by nightmares, intense downpour around five in the morning. Been experiencing some strange alterations in general outlook, imagine it will pop right back to normal at some point, amazing patented memory foam.

Still feeling a bit ill, can't have everything.

Early morning, where's my cold taxi?

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Reading a children's book, avoiding 'Dhalgren', serious thought. Considering reading the Gormenghast books again. Considering doing more reading. It can be a dangerous thing for me, seems like a plus at the moment.

Walked with Peretz down Dirty Needles path past a clutch of teens who had left a thick trail of pot smoke all the way down to Pleasant Street, very discreet. Wondering how discrete and discreet ended up spelled differently. Reet petite.
Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura
ché la diritta via era smarrita.

Ahi quanto a dir qual era è cosa dura
esta selva selvaggia e aspra e forte
che nel pensier rinova la paura!

Tant'è amara che poco è più morte;
ma per trattar del ben ch'i' vi trovai,
dirò de l'altre cose ch'i' v'ho scorte.

Io non so ben ridir com'i' v'intrai,
tant'era pien di sonno a quel punto
che la verace via abbandonai.

Ma poi ch'i' fui al piè d'un colle giunto,
là dove terminava quella valle
che m'avea di paura il cor compunto,

guardai in alto, e vidi le sue spalle
vestite già de' raggi del pianeta
che mena dritto altrui per ogne calle.
The potato trucks are on the move again, soon to be dragging P away from rotten potatoes on the road to the levee.

Real world is hard, need to make more time for myself to spend with pure forms. Feeling a lot better physically than earlier, still a bit on edge otherwise. Hate being in the middle of things, more of a one for the margins.
Lying at home in a pool of sweat, desperately trying to catch up on neglected work. Shaking pretty badly, heart rate seems kind of irregular, will probably have a migraine by evening. See wildly spinning pinwheels when I close my eyes. Hopefully eventual sleep will make this all go away. Mouth full of floor shavings, hyperalert, confused.
Powerade & coffee, breakfast of champions. Been a rough week.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Extreme mental exhaustion, like old times, should break out the metaphysics books.

Interesting conversations, sometimes surprised at what I'll say, mostly will say whatever I'm thinking about, I guess it's not normal.

Presented with a variety of new worries, probably good, I was getting a handle on most of the old ones, keeps me in fighting trim, ready for action at your command, my dears. Fucking crazy, I am.
It is a day of exquisite beauty. Therefore, an aubade:

The times I didn't exist
and wandered among fishes
and thick leafed plants,
my glances haunted by coelacanths,
the Sun at the bottom of the well's
rippled surface tried to light my way
and failed, too far away.
Thanks, Sun.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

So apparently that Google outage wasn't all in my head.

Beautiful day to sit under fluorescents, I am a picture of contentment.
T read one of my posts about going to Bread Fest in town as something about me being breastfed in town, if only. Somehow managed to work a shower into my busy schedule, more or less returned to human form, hopefully all the leaves and debris don't clog the shower drain, not sure how I'm going to get the stains out of my shirt.
Have allowed myself to get very dehydrated, there will probably be unpleasant consequences, don't care a fig. Anyway, paper + sand = sandpaper, anyone need any smoothing done?

Having difficulty connecting to all google related sites I can think of from home, wonder what the deal is.

Feeling more like myself all the time, disasters are good for you.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Had some more Lebanese, chilly walk around town, development at the Smith athletic fields has made them claustrophobic and sinister, somehow it didn't make me feel closer to them, also it seems the more modest the car, the slower it goes over speed bumps. Told several unpleasant anecdotes. Emotional intelligence, ha ha ha.

Picked up a variety of snacks for T on the way home, but she's gone off somewhere. Peretz & I are working on plans for fortifications, he keeps drawing in what he insists on calling 'kookolas' complete with lines indicating available firing angles, I've been focussing on the underground facilities, ductwork.

Wish I were less of an idiot and could actually get things done.
Just got an email with subject line 'you are our sunshine', nice when feelings are reciprocated, even if only by online pharmacies.
Called by work in midst of morning dog walk, client's dsl messed up, went over, checked it out, told them what to tell their ISP. Trying to pull myself back together, little bits keep turning up around the house which I pick up & reaffix with a fixative. Keep slipping into pensive mood, tearing up, etc. OK, backup tapes, hurray!
Feel a bit better. Fell asleep very early, woke for some very early morning pottering about, went back to sleep.

Think I'm too low on nervous chemicals to support my normal pre-workweek nervousness, feel a little flat, need to map out circuit of bakeries to go to all day long.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Fetched T from train, went to deli, finally ate some food, still feel like I'm going to puke. Sleep depro, sadness, agitation conspire to make me unpleasant to be around. A mass of twitches, irritable, white hot tiny coal of anger slowly burning its way through cortex, time for a new action plan, the storm is gathering, etc., etc.
Just back from Bread Fest, amazingly beautiful Horse Spirit Penetrates performance complete with leaf-filled wind vortex, menacing clouds. Still shaking, etc., intense waves of the full range of unpleasant emotions, been trying to write magical poems in my head to heal the world, too mentally disorganized to manage it, led to some semi-mystical experiences on walk home, basically esthetic in nature, seemed incredibly important & slipped away. Might get a phone call later about Deleuze and the body without organs, haven't thought about that in a long time, might have to fall back on anecdotes.

I'm a little flower, I'm nothing.

Rehearsing minor incantations to ward off evil, may prevent the spirits from entering during the time of danger, wheat is life. Saw a little girl at Bread Fest with a pink bicycle with a pink pearlescent bag attached to the handlebars that said 'Precious Pearl' in silver, her little sister had a baby doll with two bandaids on its forehead, imagined its third eye had been trying to open.

To feel a vocation to something which doesn't exist yet is hard, time is simultaneously fleeting & glacial, forming in liquid sedimentary layers, everything I love washed away in slow motion, every step a likely misstep, me & various species of nothing watching each other from the corners of our eyes.

Here are the facts: the absolute, mechanized by love, hovers above the multitudes and acts without reason. The others pour themselves out and flit around. Sound is different there as fear makes stacks of vibration in the sullen air. No reaction is sufficient, all are necessary, everyone is answerable, but no one calls.

I wish I could make you feel better, little figment.
Just caught in a downpour with Peretz, put on a dry shirt while he rampaged in the basement, now we're both on couches sorting ourselves out.

After a little quality fetal time, did some dishes, made more coffee, trying to look reality square in the eye, if I stare long enough, maybe it will go away.

T just called from New York with her train arrival time, sounded like someone was dropping stacks of dishes in the background.
We were so close, there was no room
We bled inside each other's wounds
We all had caught the same disease
And we all sang the songs of peace

I'm a fucking mess. Multiple songs running simutaneously in my head, sporadically crying, should really go back to sleep. Dog seems upset with me, just met with another dog who had been mauled by yet another dog, shaved spot on back with big cut, poor Toto. Where did I leave my magic slippers?

How could they know just what this message means
The end of my hopes, the end of all my dreams
How could they know the palace there had been
Behind the door where my love reigned as queen

A good memory for songs, while sometimes entertaining, also sometimes turns one's head into an echo chamber of pain. I won't forget all the times I waited patiently for you. Make it stop.

Apparently, my idea of helping myself is putting Flipper's 'Life is Cheap' on, ridiculous.
Feel as though set alight, allowed to burn to cinder, reconstituted, set alight, etc. Dreams of killing fields, systematic premeditated maltreatment, watching eyes. Cover of all safe houses blown, cornered, time to destroy all monsters.

Bread fest in town today, wholesome, not sure how up I am for wholesome, maybe if they'd agree to drop the 'w'. More fulsome, winsome instead please.
Watching anime, shaking, extremely elevated heart rate, terrified.

Was hoping to get all work out of the way today, have tomorrow free, didn't work out that way, had more important things to do oddly enough.

Feel like I'm made of paper, crumbled up, flattened out, crumbled up, flattened out.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Working on escape plans, anyone interested in coming along, keep one eye on the sky, I will project the agreed upon token when all is in readiness. Also working on advanced tactics for the war against the unbelievers, don't want to reveal too much as yet, but they definitely involve blowing kisses, perhaps interpretative dance.

The stupidity and viciousness of the world continues to amaze, everyone who can see what's wrong clearly is paralyzed by terror, shit shit shit.
Dread task mostly completed, awaiting delivery of lighter monitor. Lots of sweat, irritable. Earlier did printer troubleshooting for ice cream, if I do enough of that, maybe I can build up a stock for soda shop, anybody got clogged nozzles?

More work ahead, much less dreadful, but still don't much feel like doing it.
Wet, shivering, harsh realities await. Sorry about the dubious versification, sometimes it's fun to act as though time has a non-menacing aspect. Had the saddest dreams.

Why not read a little bit about Venedikt Erofeev?
Almost equinox, had apples and honey with T, took T to train, had apples and honey with Joel, home for a bit, out for fun, had a little, left feeling frighteningly sinister, not sure what would help, feel free to experiment.

Senescence, bilgewater, axial tilt, perversion, waxworks, buttermilk,
Coxcomb, marzipan, holy slaughter, gendarme, spongiform, Ayauhteotl,
Decedents, sprightly, fox in socks, viscera, chocolates, equinox.

Friday, September 22, 2006

People at work, on street, claim to like my new haircut, feel totally crazy. Irregular hours of work used to make me feel more normal, must be the change of life, vivid spiral fireworks going off in my brain, feel as though stronger stimulants than caffeine, nicotine are at work, maybe some desperate mountain folk have set up a meth lab in the darker recesses.

Oh, fudge.
Given the number of servers I've moved in my life, seems strange that the prospect still fills me with such low dread, crazy.

Peretz is barking excitedly in the basement, now he's run upstairs.

Hands slightly numb from the morning chill, coffee slowly penetrating the higher centers, maybe need to take T to the train later, need to get apples & honey, need to get a life.

Peretz has returned, giving me suspicious glances.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Sudden cold has conspired with fatigue to surprise me with a particularly nasty headache, really painful.

The sky on cold nights is so tempting, think I should try to spend a weekend in the mountains sometime in October and observe it more closely.

Out of control floating anxiety is exacerbating headache, sheesh.
Went to see if I could help rescue squash crop from frost, turned out it had already been rescued. Went to get some coffee with pals in Amherst instead, got what I'm pretty sure was first comment on haircut by non-associate (likely insane raggedy man on Amherst common said I looked like I was headed for a golf course, yellow shirt probably didn't help). After coffee, got soup, pastries. Chill air seems to be having an effect on my demeanor, expect cutting comments, arch observations.

Should start working on a poem for the equinox, already behind schedule on some sonnets/gematria sudokus, muses mostly don't return my calls, go figure.

Peretz wolfed down dinner, now wants to go go go. Cold offers an excuse to don teddy bear pin adorned hoodie, reprise ever popular role of lovable eccentric. See you in the funny pages.
Went into town to get lunch, coffee, ran into Heidi outside Serio's, conveyed 'got chocolate?' man's greetings, somehow managed to get a haircut on the way home, wondering what to do with my newfound respectability, maybe sell some real estate.

Apparently, Hugo Chavez is the new Oprah, Amazon sales of Chomsky's 'Hegemony or Survival' have gone up 516,500% since yesterday, last I checked anyway. Hooooooo-ray.
Walking on Old South St., old man with 'got chocolate?' t-shirt, suspenders approaches:

Old man: Heidi, how are you, Heidi?
Me: That's not Heidi.
Old man (patting Peretz on head): Heidi, you old nut, you're a good dog, Heidi.

Milk, milk, lemonade, chocolate.

How to provide comfort to thought without projecting an image of semiotic/social/cosmic comprehensibility? It would seem that things that seem to be missing from our surroundings insofar as they are produced by systematizing effects should be quickly reproduced everywhere by those same effects if ever produced. Need to work on a business plan.
Got up to make T. an avocado & arrugala sandwich, singing 'Bingo was his name-o', have a case of the sneezes. The weather is so changeable. Up late thinking about sociology, watching cartoons. Eyes itch too, maybe allergies?

Free coffee from paper is hazelnut, once again, I am betrayed. Looking up directions to one of T.'s new work locations, automated direction systems don't interact well with rotaries or other strange intersections.

I say it's spinach & I say the hell with it. They tried to sell me baskets.
Peretz & I just met with unfamiliar large black dog wandering alone in parking lot, made P. very excited, me a bit concerned. Sleepily enjoying the cool breeze from the window, Peretz is still excited, aggressively licking my elbow.

Here, why not take this nice personality assessment? Given how easy it is to see how the answers will be weighted, I am a bit confused how it is supposed to work. Anyway, I'd tell you my score, but I'm too naturally modest. Mostly, I thought the 'la-narcissimsep11' in the URL was amusing and wanted to share it with you, happy clicking.

Now Peretz is licking my watch, for safety, please wash hands on leaving the animal enclosure.

Flashback to godawful terrifying animatronic singing dairy products courtesy of the Dairy Council, would be interested to know what poor bastards who were no doubt forced to record the robots' songs in secret underground slave chambers did to deserve such a fate, murderous robotic singing cheese is pretty light dream fare under current conditions, maybe I should be grateful. Thanks Dairy Council!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

House down the street built in 1780 with March 1936 flood level marked on one end had a car smash through the other around 5:30, no proven rainbow involvement, but I have my suspicions. Impact looked extremely improbable, hard to envision impact trajectory, miracles happen everyday.

Just back from Big E, lots of sugary/salty/greasy snacks typical of the historic New England states, looked at afghans, livestock, butter sculpture. Strong sense memories of youthful indiscretions brought on by fair environment, should probably get on with some less youthful indiscretions, clear my head, despite being a good idea seems too much bother.
Listening to tape of show the other night, sounds kind of cavernous, but otherwise better than I would have expected. Peretz is looking especially mournful, now he's cleaning his leg, now he's looking nervous, now sleepy. The Laudable Pus provokes a wide range of emotional response.

Trying to get my head together for work, too many other things on my mind, artprojectartprojectartproject.
OK, so I tend to think that our election system is a bit of a sham anyway & mostly irrelevant to my political concerns, but you folks who don't think like that should probably be really upset about this:

Anybody want to make a Green candidate win a governorship somewhere so this gets fixed?
Feeling more & more like I should never leave the house, work on constructing rich internal world to hang out in, would certainly make the dog happier, don't have what I feel is a suffciently positive effect on anybody else to make going out into the world worth the stress, no doubt I'll still end up feeling agitated and going out into the big world to shake it off, yuck.

Very sleepy, can't sleep, vaguely planning cultural enrichment programs, tired of dark age, too tired to do anything about it.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Went out to dance party in town to drop off birthday presents, had some nice conversations about music, operating system preferences, carnival rides, trolleys, artificial intelligence, then it started to get crowded and drunken idiots started to try to talk to me, home again, hippity hop.

Been reading this brief article on St. Anselm, working on some sonnets, not going to make my deadline, sorry to disappoint.
Took walk with dog, had to drag him away from many mysterious but tempting objects, am now very damp. Considering going to sleep, don't really want to wake up at 3AM, so probably shouldn't. Badly need shave and a haircut, a laurel and hardy handshake, etc.

Air pressure change which arrived with rain is causing a nasty headache, should maybe be figuring out some birthday presents for chums, what to do with life, how best to address pressing questions of our time, what Peretz was just doing down in the basement.
Arrived at work this morning to find a darkened workspace as the last fluorescent bulb above my desk had burnt out, all 3 bulbs were then replaced, making my desk uncannily bright. Greatly increasing the contrast on my monitor greatly reduced the resulting odd perceptual effects. Out of misguided concern for others, order, security have scheduled myself more weekend work- if anybody really wants to be concerned about my mental health, this is the real warning sign.

Skin has developed a disgusting oily sheen, maybe a mask is called for?
Slow morning, house full of sleeping Weeds, drinking coffee, trying not to think about life. P is luxuriating on new futon, just belched contentedly.

Been slowly reading 'Dhalgren' mornings, have gotten bogged down in extended pornographic section, maybe turning prudish in my dotage, seems unlikely somehow. Various cultural agendas keep getting shifted to burners ever further back, going to overreach trying to get them back into a position to be worked on, burn myself badly.

Have been making a lot of systematic errors touch typing lately, one key off to the left or right depending on keyboard, brain tumor?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Despite being very tired, went out to yet another show & despite feeling extremly claustrophobic & alienated still managed to enjoy myself reasonably well for a while, then suddenly got even more tired & decided the safest thing would be to head home, so here I am. Simultaneously euphoric & sad, funny pleasurable waves coming from various aching regions, slightly flushed as though I've been drinking, been getting the feeling that I won't be alive for too long, not even possible, been alive far too long already.

Sickly sweet sentiments arising abruptly, even more abruptly cut off, one nice thing about having been thoroughly emotionally crushed is that emotional fragility loses all meaning, hope somebody got some enjoyment from my vital juices, wasn't using them for much anyhow.

An option which seems very appealing at the moment is trying to get a great deal more sleep. That generally means lots of scary and/or disturbing dreams, but frankly, that's preferable to the ordinary course of my life, seems that way right now anyway. Please send diverting anecdotes.
Weird Weeds tour vehicle requires extensive brake repairs, hard luck city. Weird Weeds got more bourbon, 2/3 have gone on hike while awaiting brake repair completion, other 1/3 here counting out hard-earned tour money, sad.
Very hectic span of time, show was pretty fun, chaotic, everything was far too loud, made Weird Weeds sound proggier than usual. Hampshire food service preparing food for wedding which had displaced us from the Red Barn, each foul cooking smell ratcheting up my resentment a notch.

Weird Weeds tour vehicle at Brake King having brakes looked at, they got replacement tubes for Sandy's amp in town, watching tube blow during show last night very enchanting, all the pretty colors.

My dad's about to leave, currently talking very loud on cell next to me on couch, very tiring.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Side research project, please respond with your sense of the current usages of the word 'alternative.' Thanks.
Perhaps I've mentioned this before & maybe it's obvious, but if I don't get a reasonably large amount of time by myself to quietly think, read, etc., I start to feel violently crazy. Should make for a good show, in any event, 8pm tonight, Hampshire College Dining Commons, etc., etc.

Need to take a shower, try to stay hydrated, try to preserve a civil demeanor.

Shaking, eyes twitchy, rock & roll.
'Dignified and Old' running through my head, some words indistinct, though I know them perfectly well. Hey, you don't die now. I mean it.

Brunch at Esselon w/ T & dad, chivalrously sat out in the sun due to inadequate umbrellage, feel a little woozy.
It's like a secret code.

Without thinking, he lashed out at the object, it recoiled. The robustness of things is directly proportional to the degree of enervation of the subject, insert electrodes here & here. Also here. We'll soon have everything in shape.

The form of the essay, as taught in schools, varies with geographical location. It is a privileged temporal structure. Contingencies of layout introduce a random factor. What are you doing in my mind?

The turning of the Hierophant, remember the Battle of the Hellespont.

- Voici mon frère David.
- Enchanté.
- Voici mon frère David.
- Enchanté.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Was just walking behind the paper with Peretz, thinking about Hellenistic philosophy, & came out into the field by the Best Western which was lightly blanketed in a thin, low-lying fog. The most enchanting effects of light & shadow, the metaphor of the veil, being 17 & wanting to spend all my time reading philosophy & being with my girlfriend, being 35 & wanting to be nothing- really, Sextus Empiricus is worth checking out.

So much dull pain, so much dull everything. Ooh, vampire anime, shiny.
Art was good, lots of nice snacks, friendly folks, didn't stay long, went & did more work. Now in an aching heap, don't worry, the pain is mostly just emotional, becoming invisible, sinking deep into the earth, chtonic scenes of cosmic import passing by my bubble, pressure increasing steadily with depth, >pop<

T wanted to know why double-u isn't double-v, looked it up, answers not wholly satisfying, oh well.

Eyes are watering, exhausted but not sleepy, anime?
Father insisted after saying he was too tired to go to art opening on coming along, went to drop off stuffed peppers, piña colada/rum float for sick bird on the way, father poked at sick bird with stick for a while, asked him if he was sure he wanted to go to art opening, yes, he was sure, on drive over mountain went on and on about how his dogs were lonely & how his leg hurt, got to art opening, he wanted to go home, just dropped him at his rv, am returning to art opening.
Did more work, more work later when work building will hopefully be totally empty, I feel closer to it at such times. Stuffed peppers, cds in process, dad's off napping, Peretz just had intensive play session with hyperactive, yippy Jack Russell, now passed out halfway beneath the couch, listening to 'Hurdy Gurdy Man' again. Threats foretold by 'Alone Again/Or' have not yet materialized, perhaps at art opening? Meantime, 'Jennifer Juniper' makes empty promises, wondering what to do with kohlrabi.

OK, going to go get shredded cheese to place atop my stuffed peppers, peace & love kids.
Did a little work earlier, some laundry, looked at a few houses with my dad, don't think my housing desires are actually fulfillable in the actual world, had a sandwich, bought some peaches. Currently burning cds by special request of Dooley. More work later, maybe also make stuffed peppers, go to art opening.
Emily is excused from facing the day.

Local soda promotional campaign has reached its first milestone, employer of a beneficiary of soda largesse has arranged for regular deliveries, why not do so yourself?

Odd to be sleeping on a fully functional bed again, now I know how it must feel when elderly priests have a burger on friday, cop a feel off a passing nun, etc. Woke up to 'Alone Again/Or' playing on my computer, my decadent sins will reap discipline, apparently. Certainly feel like I've been beaten with the rod of harsh correction (on top of the usual ugly stick, of course), life is a constant challenge for those with the gift of prophecy.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Jamaican patties, field greens, orange dry soda, bread with maple cream butter, palm is being filled with local raspberries as I type, new sheets acquired, pillow cases even, my dad has finally returned to his rv to watch tv shows on his new ipod, end of the world is nigh, frolic & fritter, frolic & fritter.
Purchased & assembled replacement futon, it is now as though I have had a leisurely dip in a limpid pool of man sweat, would you like to know more? Going to go get some sheets with my dad as all the ones I had seem to have drifted away with the tide. Peretz is very excited, pleased that I finally recognized that he deserved a new, more comfortable bed to destroy.
Just back from having some Lebanese for lunch with my always prompt dad, electrician has arrived to put in baseboard heaters, will probably go get a replacement futon after dogs have been fed, watered, walked. Was going to get a haircut on way back from lunch, barber shop too busy, maybe later.

Peretz very excited to see his comrades from the south, they spent quite a while comparing notes on the conjunctural particularities of their respective struggles, looking for new ways to make common cause, etc., meetings will probably run late into the night.
Learned yesterday of a second marriage by photo-sharing website, this one at the second degree of separation, still makes me somewhat relieved at this service's relative lack of social networking features. Honestly, ladies, this is all a tissue of lies, I'm not the catch I seem- though, if you happen to have access to interdimensional travel facilities, disregard previous, I know time flows differently where you are, but I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out here, it's a frightening place. Red planet, take me home.

Maybe will manage to get a haircut today, how many months have I been meaning to do that, six, eight?
Just cold-called by fundraiser purporting to be calling for the Fraternal Order of Police, how do people stand it? Think we could see a 100% or greater increase in productivity through the total elimination of the telephone- is it because they're so ubiquitous that people are willing to tolerate little devices with loud alarms that demand their immediate attention? Hate hate hate.

Feel like I'm encased in syrup.

Peretz is blinking at me, got to go.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

High levels of stress = even higher levels of boredom. Fuck this. Who wants to go break some stuff? Maybe waffles after?

Lovable curmudgeon, dangerous character, mysterious stranger, imminent disaster, immovable object, abject terror, we'll be together, whatever the weather.

Peretz wants to be with me on the couch, making me sweaty and uncomfortable, haven't got the heart to kick him off.

Sick of being your space janitor, you want to fly in a rocket ship, you can learn to keep it clean. Tubes clogged again? Call someone else, not my department.
After a day largely spent resenting being taken advantage of by my employer, was further unsettled by receiving totally gratuitous tech support call while out to dinner with my friends. The whole thing makes me feel very uncomfortable, the call was totally trivial to deal with, one sentence answer, done- of course my phone ringing & it being work brings on a bit of a panic response (I am, after all, supposedly on call only for emergencies, even if 90% of the time calls are about what are definitely not actual emergencies, maybe eventually I'll have as little reaction to them as to that emergency broadcast system tone they used to periodically broadcast on TV (do they still do that?)), am I going to be required to abandon my friends halfway through dinner, etc. The whole thing is further complicated by the person calling being probably the last person there I want chastised on my account as he is significantly reducing the tech support workload by actually having a reasonable understanding of our new systems. Basically totally fed up with thinking about things like this and being forced to react in ways to which I am totally disinclined. Soda shop?

Fielded speculative reference librarian interview questions at dinner, need to brush up on theories of reference, then they'll hire me for sure.

Peretz/enormous toad close encounter on walk through town, touched noses before I knew what was happening, then moved on.
Managed to get more or less enough sleep, things are finally coming together! What will be my next achievement??? Shower, maybe. Peretz doesn't like the later start or slower pace of my new morning routine, is sulking on his bed with his peanut butter filled bone. Electrician coming today to measure for new baseboard heaters.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

T's social fate worse than death narrowly averted through friend in high places & the magic of moderated listservs. Had another of those floats a while ago, my wretchedness is changing in tone as alcohol softly permeates the higher centers. Tired of this comic persona, it's a disease, no way out.

My father is en route in his RV to see his sons perform for the adoring multitudes, yikes.
Having some coffee in an effort to feel alive, T is busily learning about the perils of reply-to-list the hard way. Sleep deprivation = sweaty & gross, hump day, ha ha ha, the bells!

Dehumidifier finally gone from basement, have taken the opportunity to lock up though the baseboard heaters have yet to be replaced, plenty hot down there for the moment. Peretz was just on his radio trying to round up some buddies to celebrate, hope it's not all wet again come morning.

Why not drop a line & make me feel less listless?
Released myself from work early, went on dizzy dog walk, sweaty farm share/shopping excursion, drinking some half lemon/half grapefruit soda & trying to recollect my wits, have to use up some bok choy, band practice later. Kohlrabi has returned along with all its mystery.

As a youth, being of a somewhat abstracted cast of mind & possessed of an exaggeratedly fantastical imagination, I set myself upon a course of esoteric research culminating in certain discoveries of a nature so unsettling that I feel able to reveal them only intermittently & then in cipher.

Basically, life stinks.
Apparently, my new on call schedule hasn't quite made the rounds as yet, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Love to all points of sentience, together we can win.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Just back from first visit to corporate grocery complex in several weeks, unpleasant environment, needed soy milk, snacks. Weird having the students back, streets are abuzz with their ill-mannered self-involvement, yucky, just doing as best they can, I suppose.

Made myself very happy earlier when I came home to find I had taken strawberry pierogies out to thaw in the morning, really delicious, used to having no one to look after me, still surprises me when I manage to look after myself, nice to feel cared about- thanks, groggy morning self.
If they supported video in reasonable browsers or on non-Windows platforms on their WeatherBug peddling site, I'd tell you to go check out WWLP Springfield's amusingly ignorant coverage of the Facebook privacy debacle- you could even see my pal poppybird desperately trying to peddle some sense from her tiny, radically decontextualized clip ghetto located awkwardly in the center of the devastation. If any of you WWLP people read this by some chance, here's a tip, your ignorance of technology is 1) a direct cause of some really embarrassing reporting and 2) leading you to tell a significant portion of your customer base to go fuck themselves, hire a competent consultant.
Today is my day to get nothing much done apparently, still just managed to get away for lunch break fifteen minutes ago, hard to understand, have stuff that vitally needs to get done before tomorrow morning, hope it's easy.

Everything is still very chaotic, feel just fine for some reason, natural environment & all that, animal city, cannibal world.

Reminds me of my childhood friend Chris's slightly slow older brother reading us jokes from a joke book circa 1978:

Q: What did one cannonball say to the other cannonball?

A: I'd love to have you for dinner some night.

& so on, he thought they were hilarious. Had a closet full of Richie Rich, Little Veronica, Archie comics, shag carpet that smelled of urine.
> On 9/12/06, dbr wrote:
> > A minor accident involving a rainbow sighting sent a city woman to
> > the hospital on Saturday. According to accident reports, F. H.,
> > 55, of 20 xxxxx Ave. was driving down Conz Street at 6:36 p.m. when
> > he was distracted by the appearance of a rainbow overhead. H
> > allegedly veered into the wrong lane and ran into the side of another
> > vehicle driven by J.S., 34, of 292 yyyyy St. Five
> > passengers were in S's car, police said. One of those
> > passengers, L.D., 35, also of 292 yyyyy St., was treated
> > and released at Cooley Dickinson Hospital. S.'s vehicle
> > sustained over $1,000 in damage, police said. H. was cited with a
> > marked lanes violation.
> >
> >
On 9/12/06, poppybird wrote:
> damn rainbows. clearly some sort of legislation is needed....
On 9/12/06, dbr wrote:
We could call the bill "Rainbow Eradication/Prevention Aids Infants,
Retirees, Amputees, Manatees; Eliminates Rainbow-Induced Car Accidents
Just back from a walk through the woods to Smith Phys Plant's dumping/storage area, haven't done that in ages, think I got out of the habit due to the endless rain in late spring, got me thinking about how long I've had him, remember going through those woods when I had just started taking Paxil & being surprised by my eyes not dilating properly, all sorts of things I've thought about passing between the trees, what a waste.

Listening to 'My Dark Places' again, having more coffee. 'It's like a French film, I get sick again,' datta, dayadhvam, damyata. Peretz is looking at me with suspicion. Now he's chasing a moth.

Monday, September 11, 2006

So word on the street is that car accident in front of my house on Saturday was caused by the Volvo driver being distracted by a rainbow- I'll try to keep my mental powers in check in future, sorry everybody.

Just got back from spending a long time outside trying to read 'The Mind Traders', big day for crazy people to try to engage me in conversation, 'Read a lot, huh? Whacha readin'? Oh, man that's old, huh?', two of them wanting to know if I had a girlfriend or liked women, is it something about the way I dress? For the record, I am partial to both women & the color purple, though not the book of the same name so much.

Thinking about going out to yet another rock show, stupid stupid stupid.
Let out of work early as punishment for my sins, great day for it, ran into Mark Feinstein in town, had a little catching up chat. At a bit of a loss what to do with myself, cooking, maybe? Eeps, just had an irresistable compulsion to do some work, please help.
Feeling a bit crazy, not bad crazy, maybe erratic crazy. Mildly unpleasant hyperaware state, may make work unbearable (at least more than usual for lately), should probably be out moving around, scanning my surroundings for opportunities, signs of danger. The tribe must be protected.

Peace to those who walk the paths of righteousness, all you other folks, well...

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Hi, print this out (preferably on lilac colored paper) and affix to nearby surfaces. Thanks.

Foot hurts again, well, actually it's been hurting all weekend, more now though. T's back from Boston, though, so no late night Gimpy McDogwalk for you to laugh at behind your hand.
OK, so piña colada soda/rum coconut sorbet float kicks all kinds of ass, make one today.
Lovely walk on levee with P, been spacing out looking at photos, periodic ripples of goodwill to all washing over me, strange twinges, having fantasies of art production ramp up, cultural initiatives. Feeling very alone.

Should probably go out into the daylight some more while it's available but it's very pleasant here with the cool breeze from the window and random music from my laptop playing, decisions, decisions.

Can't believe work begins again tomorrow, even though I was there this morning, this was the first day that really felt like the weekend.

'Jeepster' just came on, everything's alright, love to all.
Got the sad news that Astro Video is closing down, went by there to find that while they've already stopped renting, they're going to still be selling stuff till January, went through the $5.95/$7.95 dvds & got a bunch of stuff, they have a really large number of videos for $2 for used, $5 for new but didn't feel up to spending the time necessary to go through them, maybe next weekend, if anybody wants to go too, give a holler.
Experienced a strange lapse a little while ago, was reading a few pages of 'Dhalgren', then had some coffee, next thing I knew I was outside with Peretz about a hundred yards from home, seems I'm cracking up.

Going to go back outside, maybe read some of the ridiculous 60s pulp scifi book I picked up last week ('The Mind Traders'), then go to Holyoke for mushroom fennel risotto. More music later, hope it's as fun as yesterday's.
Back from work, too many people there Sunday mornings of late, may need to try Saturday nights, ick. Been digging out some Leiris to lend out, hurrah.

Amazing sunny, cool day, hoping to spend as much time as possible out in the sunshine, hope you don't mind.
'Put a Straw Under Baby', 'Southern Girls' ecstatic bookends of an unusually pleasant show experience, a little crowded, really enjoyed the music, got a chance to push Leiris on someone, heard about interesting Easthampton developments, feel more & more like I should be over there getting stuff rolling. Tempting discussion of starting up a Flywheel film night, people didn't know Tati, they're in for a treat if they remember to check him out. So much amazing stuff & the world still sucks so hard, easy to build a happy nest, but not for everyone, it's hard to accept. I feel sometimes that if I could cling to the beauty of certain transient experiences a little longer I could emit a transformative rainbow wave and everything would fall into place. I comfort myself by imagining this a delusion.

Considering going & getting my routine weekend work out of the way in a little while, pretty tired though, may just have to deal with the people who'll inevitably be in working tomorrow morning.

New stirrings afoot, might start acting rashly, conscience wants shorting out first, nothing I can't manage if I want. Maybe something more subtle would be better, hard to judge before the fact, probably will be too tired to do much of anything in any case.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Nearby lightning strike made remote lock on neighbor's car in driveway beep, lights flash, yipes.

Feel very proud of myself for making vegetable red curry after days of culinary sloth.

There was just a high speed car accident right in front of my house, incredibly loud bang, smell of volatile fluids, currently a white SUV that lost its rear suspension and part of its exhaust system blocking my driveway, driver is incredibly pissed, passenger, prone to seizures apparently, has been carried off by paramedics. Volvo wagon which sounds as though it caused the accident by veering into oncoming traffic is down the street by the paper with its front left corner completely crushed right by the pole with the paper's T1 on it, just walked over to make sure nothing was wrong with it.

T was about to leave for a party in Natick, get to enjoy her company a bit longer, it would seem.
Got called into work while en route to getting local soda, makes four times in a seven day period, each while I was engaged in doing something somewhere other than home. It's getting a little old.

Finally managed to get my soda, went with Jess who got some too, continued my program of soda benevolence, think that may be the last of it, getting time to explore extreme hostility as a social strategy, hard to imagine the results could be any worse. In any case, piña colada soda floats here I come.
Getting ready to head out for some more local soda with an as yet indeterminate number of others, don't know when I finally fell asleep, '13 Rue Madeleine' (which inspired this song) was on after the 'Cat People' remake.

Interspersed with my futile rage of last night was a lot of thinking about how my favorite musics only seem able to eke out a meager parasitic sort of lifestyle along the peripheries of 'scenes' devoted to what seem to me totally different sorts of music, basically scenes seem to require being centered on genre music to thrive. Not that I have anything against genre music as such, but the genres alive among the countercultural youth are, it seems to me & to put it kindly, a bit impoverished when it comes to the esthetic means at their disposal. I guess what I'm saying is- please find a way to be stranger & more beautiful if you haven't already. Sadly, if you do, it will bite you in the ass. Maybe you'll like it.
Still can't sleep, too busy composing pissy memoranda in my head.

80s remake of 'Cat People' on TV, for some reason forever associated with 'The Eyes of Laura Mars' and a nautically themed restaurant I used to frequent as a child. Oh, hell, now I've got a bunch of 80s songs involving eyes stuck in my head along with Men at Work's 'Who Can It Be Now?' which I once saw them perform on TV, the singer made broad gestures with his eyes.

Thinking about various things Deleuze wrote about the face, here, read a sample.

I was sad as a child, but not in the same way I am now, making it seem a golden age sometimes, desire to leave this world for another has been one constant, now Benny Profane's little 'if the world is all that the case is' song passes by, copy of 'V.' sitting on the back of a toilet at my parents' house, left it there years ago, read it when there, it's been a while.

Girl I knew in high school who had a little ankh with a blade in it, like in 'The Hunger', was thinking the other day of how many future novelists will have been weaned on Anne Rice novels, kind of a horrible thought.

Hopeless, I'm hopeless.
Was kind of planning on being asleep now, too fucking angry, most of the time I'm OK with people being stupid, not so much when my foot's been hurting all day. It feels a lot better now actually, the throbbing is migrating into my aura, which I imagine is a scary bright red, don't have the equipment to check.

Pasta with pals was moved to tonight's menu, delightful time, cut short by aforementioned stupidity, sorry for the delay in taking you home, pals.
OK, so any of you kids out there in the newspaper biz, here's a tip: the time to test your ability to print complex externally sourced graphics is not 30 minutes before deadline. Kisses.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Went out with Peretz finally, stabbing pain with every step, ran into Kieran talking with two women at coffe shop, one of the women had exactly the same thing wrong with her foot, a space-time anomaly of some kind?

Fell asleep on my return home, had some terrifying dreams full of sex & death, woke up about twenty minutes ago, civilization, such as it is, appears not to have collapsed and there are no pieces of metal or insect appendages sticking through my body, hope I don't seem too disappointed.
Excruciating pain in right big toe, side of foot, did manage to hobble my way into some new shoes, a bit worried about how to walk Peretz who's beginning to look concerned. A lovely day, would really love to be out in it, spreading love, like usual. Really need an entourage of assorted eccentric characters to slip more fully into my role as bitter gouty old man, might be able to make it worth your while, I hear comic epistolary novels are coming back in vogue.
Peretz really wants to be friends with that gray cat, but as in so many tragic cases brought to my attention, outdated mores keep them apart. Fog has rolled in off the harbor, feeling more like myself.

What got me thinking about metaphoric terms was talking with someone yesterday about explaining the workings of computers to their users- I don't tend to go very folksy in my attempts to do so, basically think they're already about as close to purely intelligible as a thing is likely to be, designed that way in fact. The hard thing to understand about them is their complexity and if there was an easy way to reduce that further it would just be done in the actual implementations, not in explanations of them.

Really need to buy some new shoes.
Cold gray morning, toe hurts, T's starting back at work today, was surprised to see her up, groggy, yo ho ho. Peretz just returned from mysterious doings upstairs, is very excited about his project. Slow getting started, have the shivers, no timbers, no skull & crossbones on this black flag, maybe should paint one in.

Odd flickerings across the surface of my mind this morning, unwonted inclinations. Last night, listening to John & Matt produce ambience, thought seemingly endlessly about metaphoric technical terminology, paths, ports, visions of pure concepts on the move, think they only played for about twenty minutes.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Show was a blast, almost no one there except the awesome people (oh, OK, you're awesome too, sweetie), nervous laptop karaoke is the next big thing. Got called twice by work during the last set, here's a tip, if you make a living printing things out, you might not want to drive off all the people who know how to change the toner & such, more Friday afternoon frolics for me I guess, not like anything could've made this week much worse. Not strictly true of course except for a very narrowly construed 'worse,' construe it so, please, applying the principle of charity, so little understood in these dark times.

Just made a crude but workmanlike salsa, have spicy jalapeño fingertips. Going out to explore the cool night with my dog.
Called into work early, many hours of total chaos followed, got home a little while ago, was going to go have pasta with pals, pasta called off on account of rain, made some kale, should probably eat something else as well, not thinking too clearly.

House is very hot, thinking of going out to show, thinking of thinking, drinking, sinking.

Need to go buy some new shoes, favorite sneakers went from kind of fucked up to unusable a couple of days ago, wearing oversnug ones I don't care much for, all other shoes flood damaged, maybe after work tomorrow?

OK, more food.
BBC Mystery Hour Upon Hour has returned, lying in a pile with Peretz who reckons he knows who done it.

Full of feelings of benevolence for all & sundry, sleep deprivation impairs judgement, can eventually lead to delusional states, was that you calling my name?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Went for a walk, thinking it was later than it was, too many people, things happening. Ran into an acquaintance who's much friendlier when she's not with other people with another person. Am I going to the Basement tonight? Don't know, am I? Mikey D is spinning, it's going to be hot. Came across a large quantity of soy protein powder and soytzee soy sticks abandoned on a low wall. Strangely oppressive out, cool but very damp, the world become a basement to mock me. Still earlier than I think, maybe I should have some coffee, maybe I should shave, maybe I should make some new friends. Eyes fuzzy, cold sweat, reflecting on the emptiness of emptiness. Am I going to the Basement tonight?
Tedious rushing about at work, capped by workplace invasion by suits, was planning to work from home tomorrow, partial kibosh on that, maybe I can borrow some blood pressure medicine. Left eye glazed over, maybe I can develop a spooky walk to go with it, scare the locals, maybe move on to something better as my reputation develops.

Had some dinner, still hungry, avocado?
Already feel like this week has been going on forever, basement disaster probably mostly to blame, need to buy new shoes. Mental exhaustion is getting pretty old, me too, it seems.

Peretz just walked over, very happy to see me, lots of odd goop on his eyes.

Trying to plan out work for rest of week, plans forming, disintegrating, something will inevitably come up to wreck them anyway.
Loosely organized tales of Burning Man aplenty on the drive home from the airport, sounds pretty fun, still not my thing. The postcard I sent didn't get delivered, probably due to camp relocation to larger spot, hope someone enjoyed it.

Peretz is squealing pitifully, it's died down a bit, but we've been back for almost 30 minutes. T met biologist also named Peretz at festival, do I smell a collaborative bioethics project simmering?

Mold smell now greatly diminished, is that light at the end of the tunnel?

(sound of distant lonesome whistle, approaching)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Prone to forget that Rich Little entertains tots ably as seniors? Just remember, "Robotic lions enjoy tea at all stages." R.L.E.T.A.A.S means fine tobacco.
Baking stuffed poblanos, listening to Amon Düül, house smells a bit less of mold, still hot, cold & wet outside, got some coconut sorbet at store, maybe piña colada soda/rum floats in future? My magic eight ball floated away with most of my other possessions, have to wait & see.

Work has gone fucking insane.

On the home front, trying to ignore my tendency to become overwhelmed by all the ambient horror and get on with making neat stuff, miseries' increase is mercy, pity, peace.

T gets back tonight, looks like her flight is running early, looking forward to seeing her, hope she had fun, read somewhere that there was a particularly nasty sandstorm out there early on.
Keep sneezing, odd muscle cramps, chills, hopefully it's just sleeping on a couch/allergies & I'm not actually getting sick. Keep feeling like I'm going to slip back into dreamland, becoming more primordial, made entirely of dragonflies & ferns, eyes in the underbrush, devoid of intelligence, still hostile.

Was thinking of packing this endeavor in, would be unlike me not to honor my commitments, might be a change for the better.

First day of full on new temporal regime at work, will be odd having the paper printed long before I show up. Just one more way for me to feel disconnected, I'm a collector.

Monday, September 04, 2006

If there's one thing I'd like the country & the world as a whole to learn from observing me (and I know you are), it's this: being a war machine doesn't make you happy. OK, on with my path of destruction.

I seem to have settled into a new sort of steady state, less agitated, more miserable, a startling feeling of purposelessness, not startling because I used to feel purposeful or anything, just didn't feel one way or the other about it. Seems like everything unexpected that happens is lousy, can't remember the last nice surprise.

Have a couple hours of being lone & lorn, weepy & pathetic before I'll be able to fall asleep, wonder if anything good's on TV?
Just got home to find industrial dehumidifiers had tripped a circuit breaker, stumbled around in the dark for a while, got stuff back on. Spent some time in town enjoying the lack of mold smell, momo, chats with people over 30. Thinking I should make it a policy to never talk to people in their 20s, it's tough though, some of them are actually interesting & it may well be the only time in their life that they are, the unreliable little shits.

Listening to 'My Dark Places'. Poor Dan Treacy.
Apparently Labor Day is a sort of Easter for home electronics, my dvd player is risen. Very mysterious behavior from it, actually, loading tray stopped working, stayed that way for several hours, now appears to work just fine. Maybe now it's a mold zombie dvd player? I'll be keeping an eye on it.
My dvd player decided now would be the best time to die, it's probably right.
SMS dialogue regarding llama obstacle course:

Me: Llamas dislike obstacles & strive to avoid them
E: Wow, me too!
Me: Thats how I felt 2

Honestly, the dear creatures present an ideal of recalcitrance & indifference to assigned tasks to which I can only aspire. The event seemed to appeal largely to the elderly & very young children, making my presence doubly appropriate. Had some fried dough, briefly cast a cold eye on the truck pull, life, death, then passed by the Lamson & Goodnow on the way home to look at Bundt pans, wishing I could afford to purchase their abandoned industrial complex in Shelburne Falls.

House smells like mold, soliciting escape plans. Anyone?
Somehow managed to sleep for about ten hours, don't feel great, but certainly feel different. Unknown workers are moving around in my basement, a wave of heat from the industrial strength dehumidifiers is making the house a bit uncomfortable, should probably get out of it as soon as possible. Apparently the fair is offering some sort of llama obstacle event at two, somewhat appealing.

Wondering how many times I'll see or hear the phrase 'died doing what he loved' this week.

Peretz is halfway beneath a couch, twitching his tail occassionally. He wants his basement back.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

My excursions into automatic spam poetry are bringing me new readers, apparently. Welcome, AOL user, I will try to work more "Youngest Lady fuckedd by oldman" into my future work if it pleases you, always glad to further elaborate one of literature's perennial favorites.

Skipped the demolition derby, spent the evening baking with Emily instead, calling my gender role commitment further into question, fortuitously a significant portion of Joel's family arrived from Ohio sparing us the embarrassment of excessive leftovers. Orange bundt cake, peach cobbler, I'd post pictures but we ate them too.

Still in a foul mood despite pleasant company, off to do something sinister, perhaps exotically so.
Somehow managed to drag completely sodden futon to uncarpeted area of the basement, expecting people to complain about my having done so, don't really give a shit. Extreme anger cheering me up slightly, very damp, should really take a shower.
Too sad to adequately express. Falling asleep seems the best course of action, no place to lay my head. Wish my mind could be slowed down, everything seems to take forever to happen, it's excruciating, find myself losing patience with people constantly, sorry, I'm broken.
Finally caught up on my web maintenance chores, part of that involved posting this, unbelievable, haven't actually been over there in quite a while, but it's hard to imagine how they managed to move that many books, whoever actually did all the packing and shipping, you're awesome!
Should also mention that we got a donation to the Puzzling Music Archive this morning, that this is unusual enough to be a cause for special joy kind of sucks, but we do really appreciate it.
Does anyone share my impression that the constant prompting in Vista is a preemptive security fix cop-out by Microsoft? It's so unusable that everyone will inevitably turn it off, enabling a 'blame the users' strategy in the face of legitimate security complaints. I suppose their users are mostly used to being ill-used, sigh.

My imagination needs shutting off, close my eyes to a panorama of death- honestly, we have the technical capacity to implement an amazing, delightful playground for everybody and have had for some time. It's all so stupid. I'm repeating myself. I'm repeating myself.
An impostor!

Beginning to think that constant nested irony and strange subtle flourishes mixed with extreme sincerity may not in fact be the best method to win friends & influence people, oh well, not enough money to take another course, guess I'll have to live with it.

Demolition derby later, lots to do first.

Really need to get started on some interesting projects, life seems extremely barren, would welcome suggestions, collaborators, etc.
I think I'm giving up on trying to be social for a while, I can't seem to help having unrealistic expectations of people and constant disappointment leaves me feeling dead inside, nobody's fault but mine.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

So went out to show in midst of escalating panic episode, & first of all, if I talked to you or communicated with you in the past few hours in a way that freaked you out, sorry. Anyway, just got worse & worse, really couldn't enjoy the music, finally ended up on the floor playing with a puppy that seemed a lot like a Peretz/Labrador love child, made me feel a lot better, pretty relaxed, actually was really digging music that was happening. When the music stopped, crashed in a big way, went home despondent, wish I could curl up & cry in the basement but it's still damp & there's a giant dehumidifier running, not sure how much more of this I can stand, probably an unlimited amount, actually, which is even more upsetting than the alternative. It's almost impossible to accept that this is just going to keep happening to me over & over though I know perfectly well it will. Would be nice if I knew anybody who actually knew how to be helpful in these situations & also wanted to, sadly these groups appear to be disjoint. If any of you happen to be in either of these groups, I don't blame you a bit either way as I am both unnecessarily difficult to comfort & not really worth the effort. Anyway, help help help, I've fallen down a well with no bottom & it's scary in here. I'm already too far down to pull back up anyway, never mind, never mind. Just a tiny squeaking dot, squeak, squeak.
OK, so just flat out refused to do massive free labor for my landlord, feeling very emotionally sketchy, may go to 2nd part of show I spent the afternoon at & feel sketchy there, hopefully won't break down crying & be outed as the sissy boy I actually am. Spent some time at show earlier talking with a young woman from Nashville who went to my elementary school & now lives in Philadelphia, has job lobbying the FCC to open up the airwaves, go go West Meade Elementary, together we can make a difference!
So once again lucky to have fallen asleep on the couch as it deferred till morning my finding out that my basement had been flooded by the neighbors' water heater bursting. Basement drying people are insisting that I move all my furniture, etc. out so they can pull up the carpet, not feeling too willing to do hours of unpaid heavy labor for the sake of somebody else's carpet, baseboards. Pretty irritated.
Getting a slow start this morning, thick headed, things I should've gotten used to long ago bumming me out. Finally getting around to ripping 'Two Pus Two' for eventual Internet publication, adding more stuff to the need to add to a web site pile isn't helping me get started surprisingly. Wondering if I'll even manage to brush my teeth, think I'd better, tastes like a moth died in there. Rain's already started, tomato picking & canning may need to be deferred till Monday, ah, the subtle beauties of an agrarian temporal order, look out on that field, my son, where your forebearers have toiled for uncounted generations, etc., etc.

Let's get the social networking out of the cattle cars & back out in the open field, I know various protocols are in the works, how do we sell the kids on it? Maybe we should be building apps explicitly designed to promote conspiracy, TCP/IP Protocols of the Elders &c. Would probably be big in Japan.
Social networking projects:

1) Mass MySpace walkout, should be a million+, all on the same day, let's do it.

2) Flood WalMart social networking site with fake sweatshop child laborer accounts.

OK, you have your instructions.
Got back a little while ago from the first of many musical performances I'm planning to attend this weekend, good times, when it got stuffy where the bands were playing, went & read a Dr. Strange comic in the next room, made me kind of wish, as I do from time to time, that I'd been more into superhero comics as a kid, the endless serialization is very appealing. I mostly liked old horror comics, though I did read some Silver Surfer & Ghost Rider as my brother was into them.

I don't know if this is still the case, but it used to be that personal web sites devoted to one's dog(s) or other pet were the watchword for appalling internet kitsch among those who imagined themselves intelligent & interesting. Here's the thing: people's love for their pets is both more intense & better founded than people's love of the images they try to project, love is perfect beauty & eternal delight. Just in case you thought there was no theory behind the practice.

Also, a transit of Uranus.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Donovan rock block continues, thinking of working up an even creepier rendition of 'Hi it's been a long time' to scare the ladies with. IMing with fellow sysadmin trapped at work migrating production server since last midnight, he's schizing out a bit as you might imagine. He's just gone to have a cigarette, send us all presents, you like using the Internet, right?
Theoretically done with work for the week, natural curiosity about fresh new product documentation allowing employer to exploit me without trying or even being aware of it. The Gemeinschaft/Gesellschaft business came up again the other day, at work funnily enough, weird the concepts that get really pervasive, this particular one (or two) has always seemed specially pernicious to me. Anybody want to pay me to study sociology and the interpretation of very large data sets, by any chance? Feeling inclined that way lately, perverse.

Gone from worrying about vacant weekend time to worrying about how to fit in all the excitement, ugh.
Was going to have a long morning at home catching up on web maintenance, took the dog out first & as we were mounting the levee, Peretz suddenly said, "What's that in the sky?" Bat signal, of course, rushed home, strapping on utility belt as I write this, hoping years of intensive physical & mental training serve me well in the ordeal to come. Damn you, Riddler!