Monday, April 30, 2007

Clear, cool night, wish I had more energy to be out in it, lovely waxing moon high above a field. We were at odds for a while, felt deceived. Close again, all its intimations were perfectly true, it's just that I'm the only one who still believes them, not its fault, not anyone's. Slowly getting better at trusting my own judgement, keeping my own counsel could obviously use some work.

Peretz & I are working on beaming healing & transformative energies to all sentient beings using techniques he heard about at a retreat a while back, they're a little strange & embarrassing, but what the heck.
Just got an oem software spam from a Nola Godwin with the following filler text:

Or else, like us, sunk into some long gaze
XVIII. The Northeast and Northwest Passages
Across the heavens' gray.
Standing in the way of the truth. A white
trainer flips young alligators over on their backs,
Coextensive with everything? How could they know?
Oh you builders,
to matter, for the flushed boys are muscular
Set on that tomb in the eternal night;
Scrawny wolves, and you,
That only you and I can know. Les deux
Gray the cloud-like oaks
I might have happily lived some other childhood.
Or else, like us, sunk into some long gaze
To mark that square, perhaps: were Mère and Père
And Mère Chose's square of world, even as they
What I have in my hands, these flowers, these shadows,
Set on that tomb in the eternal night;
To follow in the path of their brief blossoming

Appears to be sourced from here and here, maybe some other places. Nice cutup, thanks Nola!
Took P out, bathed in cold sweat, everything's kind of fuzzy.

On walk I was thinking: to be a sweet, loving person but to be missing a whole lot of basic emotional and interpersonal skills must be very difficult and frustrating, guess I'm lucky it's not me, don't feel lucky, feel sad. Sometimes people don't get better.

Sick, sad.

Slick, rad.
Made myself some couscous, only thing in the house that didn't seem totally nauseating, as it turns out, it is a bit nauseating, nothing I can't handle, better than passing out.

P is getting pretty sick of me being sick, presenting a list of demands, banging shoe on tabletop.

Didn't even know he had shoes.
Enough sleepless nights, crying my little heart out, really, it's getting old. Used to be able to shut myself off better, things are different now, opened the door too far, doesn't close right. Also there's the fact that I don't really want to shut myself off, would like to feel better, not dead.

Anyway, getting sick far too often, need to do something about that. Should maybe look into sleeping meds, but my experience with them is that they don't work very well and make me feel shittier than lack of sleep does. Don't really know what to do, know I need more sleep than I'm getting.

Need lots of things I'm not getting.

Funny to need things.
Getting a surprising amount of work done given inability to stand for extended periods, somehow got down the last of the ersatz chicken soup, slowly feeling less lightheaded, bit more nauseated, seems manageable.

Beautiful out, blue skies, gusty, wish I felt up to going out. Enjoying listening to the wind anyway.

Oh, wow, cramps really hurt.
Shockingly painful stomach cramps, etc., feeling pretty wobbly, not going to work, did just spend some time weeding through the weekend's spam, delightful.

Tried to go to sleep early last night, not that successful at it, kind of enjoyed lying in the dark.

Wish I could feel better.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Peakedness, nausea continue, feeling sad & disappointed with myself.

Trying to be in a relationship with somebody who's unable to express her feelings clearly is really difficult, more difficult when the same problems that cause that make it hard to sort through misunderstandings. Feel bad about not figuring things out more quickly, it's something I'm good at so I feel like I should've been able to, hard when being hurt over and over again, still feel like I should've been able to. Have a pretty good understanding at this point anyway, I think, not that it's much use.

Hell of a weekend.

Thinking about withdrawing into dark room, maybe listening to audiobook.

Walk dog, write blog, walk dog, write blog.

Love ya.
Slowly working through the dishes, do some, get exhausted & collapse on couch, do a crossword puzzle, do more dishes. Sad little man, need a keeper. Thought I'd found one. Crap, crap, crap.

Think stomach thing may in fact be anxiety-independent, abdominal muscles clenching up periodically isn't much help though.
Felt pretty washed out, made the mistake of walking into town & eating something, now digestive disturbance has returned. Can't tell if I'm sick or it's a mere byproduct of agitation, feeling very agitated, not sure why having been treated like a vicious psychopath bothers me more some times than others, but it certainly does. Terribly hurt, terribly worried, nothing at all like a vicious psychopath.

Been doing Sunday crosswords, distracted me a little anyway. Wish I could take a nap.
So, drivers won, I lost, have to try something else.

Feeling a lot better this morning despite having slept very badly.

Looking up licensing info, wheee.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Feel pretty terrible, spent most of the evening prone reading random web stuff or doing sudoku with an astonishing error rate, nonprone part was spent throwing up. Cool breeze coming through the window feels nice. Scrambled, awry. Thought it was supposed to rain, sound of rain would be a comfort.

Would like to go to sleep, when I close my eyes things spin around.

Feeling hot, doubled over in pain on walk with P, started crying, all sorts of pain all mixed up, feel like I've been sick forever.

It's hard to face being broken, I'm broken.

Horribly painful stomach cramps, need to go get coffee, sweating from pain, crap.

Beautiful golden light on the pine outside my window. Smell of rain is in the air, floral hints as well.

Ow, fucking, ow.
Feeling pretty messed up, tummy trouble, having some pineapple soda. Panic attacks suck. Apropos nothing as such.

People get caught up in their emotions and act like irresponsible jerks, it's just how it is, doesn't really tell you much about the people. This is easy to accept in the abstract.

Down here in the real, wish people would pay more attention to the 'fragile handle with care' sticker on my forehead.
Just spent quite a long time at work fighting with device drivers, couldn't really tell you if I won or not, will know better tomorrow morning. Feeling pretty aggravated.

Having some coffee, going to spend some time outside with the dog, maybe will feel less psychotic after, maybe not.
Thoughts moving in a narrowed circle, may resemble narcissism, isn't, just in terrible pain, pillbug. Very aware of how tiresome it is, feel bad about exposing you to it, nothing to see here, move along. Endlessly prolonged drawing of a chalk outline.

Songs from Berlin running through my head, heart racing.

Should go over to work & hook up a tape drive.
Work on Senior Citizen Center proceeds apace, just stepped outside to find giant earth moving machine blocking our driveway, lots of beeping noises. Just ignored a phone call from Special Olympics, they haven't noticed the machine picked up, listening to the ambient noises in their call center.

Having someone I love's desire to die burned so deeply into my mind has really messed me up, not sure I'm ever going to be able to sleep normally. Dignified & old, OK?

Anyway, lack of sleep is making me pretty tetchy in the morning, T just told me it's like I quit smoking, if I'm going to terrorize the people around me anyway, maybe I should.

It's an opportunity.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Sort of want to go to bed, but after we returned from walk a little while ago, Peretz fell asleep under my legs on the couch, he seems so warm & contented I hate to disturb him. Have actually gone a few days able to fall asleep without listening to The Goon Show, shut up Eccles.

Brain will be chugging along in its usual way & all of a sudden, wham! blinding pain, hammer on thumb, hot needle in eye, shit.
Called into work once, called by work again, didn't need to go in for that one, left me feeling a bit edgy, tempted to take hammer to phone, maybe I should, think I'm eligible for a replacement.

Feeling pretty blue.
Felt sleepy & bored, so I made some stuffed peppers, was going to make a soup, this seemed more complicated and distracting. Pretty fun.

Walk in woods seems to have done Peretz good, he's very asleep, lying on his side on the couch, legs stuck out straight, he's dreaming now, did a funny thing with his nose. He's a good dog.
Out of work early, rainy day, nicken choodle soup, toast.

P seems to feel a little sketchy, don't think he much liked me being away so long yesterday.

Lost comrades, more lost to themselves than to me. Clear mind, not happy about a lot of things in it, more important that it be clear. On the drive back up here yesterday, was talking to coworker about how much it upsets me when smart people are driven by unbearable emotions to suppress, falsify and destroy their own experiences, horrible self-mutilation, they're the most valuable things we have, I guess it's probably better than dying if that's the alternative, if so, not by much.

Maybe a walk in the wet woods will make P feel better.
When I finally went to bed last night, felt like I was being dragged down into a deep well, having trouble pulling myself out of it this morning. Kind of wish I could be asleep most of the time, not really possible, don't stay asleep easily. Feeling like I've seen too many sad things and understood them too clearly, feel pretty haunted.

Trying to make myself comfortable with my sense of responsibility again, it's tempting when things blow up in my face like they have to withdraw and forget about that sort of stuff, but it's worse for me to have nothing to care about than to care about things I can't do anything about, a lot worse, actually. Wish my motivations were a bit more normal, no sign of them becoming that way, I can live with it.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Pale Dry Ginger Ale, responsible midthirties stand-in for sex, drugs & rock 'n' roll, cure for what ails, pale dry substitute, ahh.

Pretty sleepy, should maybe go to sleep, hit a breakfast bar early, wonder if there's a local one with linguica.

Thinking about the detached slightly gauzy green fabric which hung like some harem drapery from the ceiling of my grandfather's sedan, how he came to visit us and watched soap operas all day, building pyramids with cigarette butts.

Getting old.
Set out through the morning fog, got a bit snarled in rush hour traffic, left the car at Alewife. Ride on T a marked contrast to my last experience on the NY subway, wonder if I might actually enjoy living in Boston now, last time I lived there some pretty traumatic stuff went on, haven't had much desire to move back.

Anyway, silly IT business was on Tremont in a theater which is presenting "Persephone" with real naked people as I write, got to see some of the sad naked soul of American commerce instead, a few informative bits, went for lunch to restaurant down the street featuring meats of local provenance for some definition of local, not a dogmatist on these matters myself, had a nice if a bit dry brisket sandwich with handmade kraut, coworker a chicken salad with tarragon, enjoyably overdone French waiter, table out on the sidewalk, loud people at next people talking about their strong support for DRM and grotesque adoption procedures of the overprivileged.

When IT was done, it was so nice out we decided to walk to Charles MGH rather than a nearer station, when we got there we decided it was so nice out we should walk to Kendall, lovely light on the water.

So, at home:




Should probably get out more.
Up bright & early, feel like death, cold fog outside, lovely day for a drive.

Haven't been to Boston in quite some time, change of scene, hm.

Information professional.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Can't sleep, should make for an interesting day tomorrow.

Turning myself inside out, doesn't make much difference, nothing on either side.

Stomach hurts.
Chilly, chilly.

So, repetition, serialization, déjà vu, Dejah Thoris.

Quick questionnaire. Time-

On my side? [y/n/m]
Come today? [y/n/m]
Of the season? [y/n/m]

No right answers, folks, feel free to discuss amongst yourselves, however many you might be entertaining.
Again with the megamart, Middle America is calling, Red Planet take me home.

They had the limeade I wanted this time anyway. Got some stuff to make soup with Friday, nice poblanos, mmm mmm good. Also more Peanut Butter Crunch.

Should really probably just get the fuck out of this country, kind of attached to the place.

Should really probably go to bed, need to get up at 5 or something, sudoku, premium ice cream, bad TV, etc. beckon.
Cold & wet, so Peretz keeps wanting to go out. Now we're both cold & wet, he can go nuts in the basement, I'm too inhibited. Just sit & shiver.

Very draining week, takes energy away from the burning spot of pain that's been bothering me as well, pretty nice. Not big on pain, may seem like I am, but I'm not. Really prefer good times, tasty sandwiches & the like. Bring on the tasty sandwiches.

Maybe some cocoa.
Made an asparagus frittata, not totally useless.

Just mostly.

Really tired, should do the dishes.

Really tired.
Workday began & ended with encounters with the rarified physical, copper pins, toner, attenuated, fine; long stretch of chunky spiritual malaise in between. Also think something's wrong with my car, acted like it was going to stall a couple of times on way back from store with power strips & flash drives. Luckily coworker can drive to Boston for reeducation camp tomorrow.

Cold drizzle. Need to walk the Peretz.
Excitement continues, woken at 7 by network problem at work, all sorted, probably good I got up early as need to do same tomorrow to go to corporate brainwashing session in Boston, could use a cleaning. Other good point of early cell call is it pulled me away from some newly grotesque nightmares, if you're going to start talking to me again, please don't do so while partially decomposed.

Really, if I'm going to wake with a start, better if there's a reason for it.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

While folding laundry just now, started thinking about the decoish movie theater near my house when I was a kid, how they had a small number of ads they always played, 'Bain de Soleil for the St. Tropez tan', amazing, beautiful gibberish when you're six. Also:

What makes a house kind of special?
Good friends walking through the door.
Flowers blooming in the springtime.
Little children playing on a Buddy Allen floor.

I thought the Stormtroopers were robots. I was six.

Just watched a stray dog eat the bits of cake I managed to get P away from.
After dragging P away from several chicken bones, pools of vomit and assorted other detritus, he managed to get ahold of a piece of some sort of coffee cake someone had thoughtfully left in a bush. Spring is here all right, hope he hasn't made himself ill, he's always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Tomorrow is another day, sucks, doesn't it?
Wicked hectic at work, happy days.

T's back, trip sounds like fun, wish I were going on a trip.

Lovely weather continues, got to spend some time out in it at work, maybe some more in a while. Fond of sunshine.

Paper cut's driving me nuts, short trip.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Slowly becoming more cryptic, natural inclination, no point in resisting it, people don't get it either way.

Read a bit of Sinclair's The Brass Check. Should dig out some Karl Kraus.

Sweaty Betty, no screen porch, it's a drag.

So fucking stupid.

Peretz is obsessively cleaning my ankles, didn't realize they were so filthy, hm.

Warm weather is pretty strange, guess it's going away again soon.

Having someone you love & respect treat you like a scary monster is quite the mindfuck. Good thing I can deal with those with expertise & finesse, the years of training finally pay off!

Skip, skip. Learned English from a broken record.
Sad as hell, paper cut on thumb hurts like the dickens.

Got a bunch done at work anyway.

Dog seems unhappy with me.

Weird nose soreness.

Secret happiness.
Kind of a rough day at work. Immediately after waking up, determined there was a problem with work's ISP. That's finally fixed, been basically impossible to do much most of the day. Did set up a new server, am starting to test it, gave myself a paper cut with its packing slip.

Wondering if I'm ever going to be able to go to bed without my heart starting to race, it's been happening with remarkable consistency, had nightmares of astonishing violence once asleep.

So, same old, same old, pretty much.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Spent the past hour or so having a pretty serious crying fit, wishing I could recapture some of my famous nihilism, not sure I could be trusted with it at the moment.

Wishing I could have just been stabbed and left in a pool of blood, would've been much more tasteful and civilized.
More tomato sandwiches, kind of fun pretending it's summer, wonder when farm share starts. I'm kind of nervous & excited about it. Giddy schoolgirl.

Also enjoying having my hair short, have always preferred it that way, never been any good at remembering to get it cut, one more thing to work on, I guess. Trying to be more disciplined, not that I think it's terribly important, just something to do.
Headache, curled in a ball, singing 'Country Dreamer' quietly to myself. Nothing quite like Sunday afternoon.

Fell asleep for a little while, dreamed about a lighthouse on a cliff. Played catch with a dayglo softball there once, too windy for catch in the dream.

The happiest memories of my life have all been stamped 'Invalid', sorry, I'm not buying it.

Flowers are peeking out here & there.
Broke down & went for dim sum by myself, not as fun as in company, still very tasty.

Vivid & lively imagination cuts both ways, starting to have some good ideas again, I think. Sensitive instruments should be handled carefully if you want them to work properly, good reason to keep mine to myself.

Could use a nap.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Ended up going to house show for a while, spent most of my time there sitting on screen porch away from the action. Several Eagles songs started running through my head simultaneously at one point due to some unfortunate free association. After that, I started crying for no real reason & thought I'd better leave. Peretz was awfully glad to see me.

My eyes & nose hurt.

Still crying, think I may watch some anime.
Made myself some tomato sandwiches with a hothouse tomato I picked up while getting salt, feeble echo of summer, learning to get by on feeble echoes.

Might go catch Fat Worm at a house party across town later, not sure I'm really up to it, pretty melancholy, also staying in with Peretz doing sudoku seems pretty appealing. Choices, choices.

All the sunshine is doing a nice job taking the edge off anxiety, doesn't do so much for feeling sad. The less nervous I feel, the sadder I get, not complaining, sad is much preferable.
Half vulcan/half human enjoying some half grapefruit/half lemon, thinking about amok time.

Should go buy some salt, maybe some other things.

Got a little too much sun, feel funny. Tempting to go be in the sun more.

Have spent such a long time feeling lonesome, you'd think I'd be used to it.
Finally got around to replacing the copy of Future Days stolen along with T's car six years ago, wondering when I'm going to get around to replacing the 50 odd lent out records I'm apparently too contemptible to have returned to me, probably never. Kind of wonder if they've been destroyed in some ritual cleansing. Funny stuff.

Had fun exploring remnants of flooding in park with P, thought he might roll in one of the puddles for a minute, but he remained basically dignified. Nice weather means he gets to play with a lot more dogs, really glad of that.
Finally got around to doing updates on the Reader to Reader website, I've been pretty amazingly ineffective lately, maybe I'm finally getting a little less so.

Peretz blinks rapidly when he really wants to go out, it's funny how expressive it seems, not sure why it should, but it conveys urgency quite effectively.

Think I've decided seaside is going to have to wait until an actual person wants to go with me, thinking about going just with P makes me cry. I know he would really enjoy it, so it makes me feel a bit guilty, I'll do something else nice with him that doesn't make me feel quite so abandoned, I promise.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Thinking about Sea Swirl. Good place.

'Mr. Lonely' stuck in my head.

Talked to my mom for a while earlier, friend of hers who worked at the University of Vermont just died, remember going out in his fishing boat when I was a kid, one eye out for Champ.

Strange days.
Weird to have spent so much time out in the sun, feel pleasantly drowsy.

Wishing I were better at expressing myself clearly. Things tend to come out pretty partial, see things from a lot of angles, hard to serialize. When I try to be straightforward & honest, it's even worse. Should maybe restrict myself to speaking in riddles.
Listening to '30 Seconds Over Tokyo', enjoying the cool breeze coming through the open window.

Thinking about inevitability, what makes people predictable, fate & character, same old song, same old song. Somewhat counterintuitively, I think I'm reliable to the point of being less predictable than most, pity other people are mostly too predictable to take advantage of it. I rather enjoy being taken advantage of.

Who's the damsel in distress again?

Should maybe pick up a copy of Justine to read, not sure what's happened to mine, probably lent it to someone. Funny stuff.
Long walk with P, got invited to an art opening, long walk by myself, talked to T on the phone about Iggy show she went to, sang 'Dark Globe' quietly to myself for a while, ate a blueberry muffin, got invited to a birthday party, discussed the real estate market. Home again, should go back out soon, sunlight, it's pretty amazing.

As personal terrors die down, the terrors of the larger world come back into focus, should start working on making some places of safety. Anybody want to help?
Decided seaside was a bit ambitious for today, maybe tomorrow. Really beautiful here in any case, going to go on a local excursion with P instead, I think.

Did manage to work in a haircut, do I have my shit together or what?

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Made some more matzoh brei a while ago, after I'd started making it, I remembered we were out of salt, used the last of the margarine left behind by dear departed shiksa to add a touch of salinity, came out pretty good. I'll be over her in no time.

Depth of feeling, it's really something else.

Peretz is going nuts in the basement.
Finally got around to shaving, skin on my face is pretty sensitive at the best of times, sleep deprivation & stress make it more so, can't stand having facial hair, what's a schoolgirl to do? Maybe time for a trip to Self Esteem Electrolysis.

Also made some headway on the dishes, just a couple of pots left. Do be a do bee, do bee.

I'll be going along just fine & all of a sudden it's like someone slammed a car door on my hand, just shattering pain, I'm getting the sense that that may not stop, welcome to the human race, I guess.
Since work, spent a lot of time walking, long walk with Peretz along the levee above flooded fields, a flooded bit of woods between us & the highway was alive with the song of birds or frogs or both, a vast oscillating peeping, really quite something. Walked to town to put a check in the bank & buy coffee, had a look at the construction in the Roundhouse lot, watched the sunset reflected off the Summit House.

To be a source of pain to people I love is almost unbearable, wish there were something I could do about that, don't think there is. Anyway, just almost, pressing on.

Should really get a haircut.
Sudden spring weather is really something else, going to take the day off tomorrow, wish I had somebody to take for a seaside picnic, maybe Peretz? Should pick up a parasol.

Being mistaken for something I'm not has been a drag, better than being something I'm not. Don't need or want to understand? Honestly, pretty sure it's at least as much your loss as mine.
Shockingly lovely spring day, got to spend a little bit of it outside on legitimate work business, finally got away for lunch, going to spend time outside with P now.

Work got very busy all of a sudden, it's making me feel a whole lot better about things. General benevolence continues unabated. Even slept halfway decently.

OK, sunshine, sunshine.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Dozed off on the couch for a while, atypical to the point that I wonder if I'm not sicker than I think I am, had a very vivid sexual dream, vivid to the point of being disturbing, in a beautiful way. Woke to a strong, low rumbling from outside, half hoped the world was coming to an end, went out with Peretz to investigate, there were three fire trucks idling loudly on my street, but no fire.

Walked around for a while, thinking about singing 'God Only Knows' to myself driving back from Amherst yesterday, my voice is pretty shot.

Think I've got my feelings into a shape that seems right & proper, even if it's not much fun. Beauty's better than fun any day.

If you have to choose, anyway.
Long walk with Peretz in the drizzly twilight, thoughts wandering down strange but familiar paths. Best not to be born at all. Oh, those Greeks.

Sorry about nap.
Bit of a frantic day at work, therefore feel somewhat better, chaos on the outside, perfect tranquility within, pity I don't live in a Kurosawa flick. Making myself some frozen chimichangas in best lonely bachelor fashion, listening to Forever Changes, alone again, no or about it.

Just gave myself a mild case of dishpan hands, got a bit behind on dishes this week, plenty more to go.

Feeling very affectionate, one of my natural states, been pretty much been alternating between that, icy hostility, agitated incoherence & despair lately, working on maintaining the very affectionate, like it best, also think it's the most objective. Best to be objective.
Check for farm share finally went through, so now have some summer plans anyway, wheeeee. Also going to Maine with my parents for a week in mid-July, hope it's more fun than sad, really love the place, memories of it are all happy ones, just wish I was going to have the same company as my last trip there & won't, everything's pretty touched by that though, no reason a place I've loved since I was a child should escape the bloodshed.

Feeling highly fatigued, about to run a bunch of errands of work, maybe I won't fall asleep at the wheel, we'll see.
Feel a little better for sleep, still spending the first minutes of every day reading a few paragraphs about akrasia, helps me clear my head. Papery mouth, sinuses running amok, sheesh. Me feeling sick so much is pretty rough on Peretz, especially with T out of town, wish I had more energy.

Still can't fall asleep without loud music playing to distract me from my thoughts, better than before when even that didn't work, disrupted sleep is better than none, anyway.

Peretz is lying on his back, wanting to be scritched, going to go oblige.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Wrapped in blanket, watching British mystery T brought from the library, she's gone away for the week, leaving me alone with P & ghosts.

Had nice chat with her on the way to the airport about being batty, she's concerned that I'm making myself ill, would be nice to sleep properly, but I'll live. Do feel pretty lousy, wrung out, nothing much in the way of happy prospects, just dragging along.

She was asking me yesterday why I thought that massacre at Virginia Tech happened, those things never seemed that mysterious to me, really. More mysterious how freaked out people are by them, I mean, how many people were murdered yesterday in the regular course of business? Mass killings that make sense to more than one person really are a lot scarier.

Fucking news, get it out of my head. Any remote, back to nature communes out there in need of a sysadmin? I can also cook.
Feel like shit, miss my immune system. Spent much of the day feeling like I'd ODed on Sudafed, didn't take anything at all actually, my brain chemistry seems pretty fucked. Should probably set aside a week to sleep sometime.

Shaky, achy, etc., etc.
Still raining, still no sign of a bluebird, keeping an eye out.

Slept badly but dreamlessly, get so tired, try to go to sleep, become suddenly and extremely agitated. Peretz stayed with me for a long time, that was nice. He seemed to be having very interesting dreams.

Mistaken for what I am not, it happens, I probably even invite it.

Monday, April 16, 2007

So fucking tired, scared to go to sleep, dreams last night were pretty unpleasant. Some people dream about the past, others the future, I guess, wish I were the first kind, past is nothing to be scared of. Wish they'd stop waking me up at least, makes me remember them clearly. The world seems to me to consist mostly of terrifying things I can do nothing about, doesn't usually bother me this much, stupid, doesn't do to take things too personally when one isn't a person.

Sleepy evening brooding was lightened somewhat by completely gratuitous call from work, people are ridiculous.
So tired time's gone all squirrelly, whirly, been home from work for a while, can't remember what I've been doing, had the last of T's soup, walked the dog, is that all? Need to work on getting more than four hours of sleep, should probably just go to bed now, honestly, sudoku beckons. Out of my life.

It's a little weird feeling so close to someone who can't stand me, maybe not so weird, I certainly feel that way enough.

Oh well, maybe some pale dry ginger ale will help, usually does.
Sleep deprivation + damp = server room seems unusually cold, think it may also actually be unusually cold for some reason. Anyway, hands & feet pretty icy, I've been trying to read some fairly dry documentation most of the morning, frozen extremities have been quite distracting. Also banged my head on the underside of a desk while moving a cable, a bit outsized for a network guy, should look into another line of work, probably.

Hard to believe how sad I got last night, don't know what was behind it really but it was pretty extreme even for lately, felt a bit like a small child that had just been vigorously beaten by each of its family members, each fighting to get to the head of the queue, then left in a wet basement in the dark.

Anyhow, feel better than that now, freezing cold server room & all, so things are looking up.
Again woke up from nightmares in a panic far too early, stayed in bed that way for a couple of hours hoping to fall back asleep, eventually gave up and got on with it. It's getting pretty old.

It may not seem like I can see the humor in the situation, but I really can. Broken things are almost always funny.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Back from one last trip, for the day anyway, into the cold wet with Peretz. Something about cold rain intensifies his interest in standing stock still looking at the ground for long periods. My joints ache, getting old.

I really don't know how to describe what's been going on with me, I'd say shell shock, but having seen the real thing, it's not that, I'm pretty avoidant in some ways, but not avoidant enough to pull that off. Anyway, it's pretty damn bad and I'm less sure all the time that it's going to go away. Should probably just learn to deal with it & be more careful with my feelings in future.

It would be nice if I could think I'm being exaggeratedly pessimistic about this stuff, my assessments tend to run more to the painfully accurate, unfortunately.
In a very dark place, sorry, but that's how it is.

I'm trying my hardest to be OK, doesn't work a lot of the time.

Feel like I'm letting everyone down, not a way I like to feel, not a thing I like to do.

Scary monster crying in the corner, poking itself with sharp sticks so you don't have to.
Just back from function, it was nice to see people. Lester gave a nice speech, his listing of students of his who had died brought on a spell of extreme melancholy, not least because I felt in all justice I should be among them. Like the man says, some of us are condemned to live posthumously.

The new sadnesses inhabiting me, I don't really have space for them, sorry they're splashing all over you, I know what a pain it is to wash out ectoplasm.
Went to function, just as function part of function was starting, got called into work to deal with network problem, that's fixed, now have a splitting headache again, trying to decide whether to return to function. It's very wet out, would sort of like to talk to people, don't know what to do. Other than get a different kind of job, of course.

OK, going to go back to function.
Mix of rain & snow falling, a while ago, when it was mostly rain, the snow was falling too fast, minimally organized wall of white noise. Now it's mostly snow, sounds are oddly muted and segregated, rain dripping from a roof onto discarded fluorescent bulbs like a ringing telephone, a cluster of songbirds, Christmas carols from a parked SUV, an overriding distant whoosh penetrated regularly by the louder whooshes of cars speeding through slush.

Going to go to Lester Mazor's retirement party over at Hampshire in a while, will probably see lots of people I haven't seen in years, should be strange.

Fingers hurt from the cold wet.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Being very badly hurt by someone I care deeply about while she was, to all appearances, not in her right mind has been a strange & terrible experience. Don't know what to make of it, really, so much terror overlaid on the normal hurt feelings, fear that she won't get better, fear of what she'll make of what she's done if she does. Mostly, since there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it, I've been assuming the worst things I can imagine happening will in fact happen and trying to prepare myself for them. There's not really any way to prepare for them.

So I've been having a lot of headaches. The one I'm having right now is one of the worst.

Helpless loving ball of pain. Peace & love, folks.
One consequence of my recent systematic avoidance of giant supermarkets has been my eating all natural Peanut Butter Puffins rather than my usual Peanut Butter Crunch. I was getting pretty used to them. Anyway, the other day, I went to the Stop 'n' Shop and got some of the real stuff. Just had some, the contrast is quite amazing, extremely vivid & intense flavor & texture. What was I thinking? Sorry, Cap'n, I should never have doubted you.

Feel like I've been stabbed in the head, been feeling that way a lot lately.
Parking lot was empty at work, so I decided to do the scary part of my weekend chores this afternoon, one less thing to be nervous about, now I can get on to being nervous about having broken things, everything looked shipshape after, but one can never really tell, imagine I'll find out if there are any problems tomorrow evening.

Just feeling incredibly heartbroken, it comes & goes. Crying while unplugging cables, etc.
Starting slow today, much to Peretz's discomfort, sorry, guy. Yesterday's sedated feeling drags on, kind of a nice change in some ways, would like to be out & about in the sunshine, hard to get moving, might get run over.

Check to farm share still hasn't been debited, hope I wasn't too late with that, would like to have something to do with myself for the summer.

If you've been reading this, you're aware that I've been feeling pretty awful, if I can keep in mind that it's in trade for things that matter more to me than my feeling awful, it makes it bit better, a bargain at twice the price, quite honestly. Unfortunately, the ways I tend to feel awful make it hard to keep things in mind, mind is all over the place, not so much today, today I'm pretty clear on things, probably due to feeling sedated.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Did end up going out to that show, felt fine walking out the door, the second I got in the car I felt like I'd eaten a handful of valium. Nace's set was kind of disjointed but very visually stimulating, little movies in my head, rustling flowers, sunlight. Second guy seemed really pointless & interminable till I started thinking about The Gong Show, then I was kind of able to enjoy it. By the time the headliners came on, I was so tired I decided I should head home if I wanted to get home safely, weird weary drive back, drinking some half lemon/half grapefruit with vodka now, should probably walk the dog.

Keep thinking about these beautiful experiences, wish I were having more of them. Everything's kind of flat, the sudoku generation. Soda's fizzy anyhow, cheers.
Went & got soda, half lemon/half grapefruit is chilling, making mac 'n' cheese, all of a sudden the light outside has gotten very beautiful. Considering going to see music at Hampshire later, not sure if it's really the best idea, pretty tired of weekends full of nothing.

Still sneezing.

T just told me a friend of a friend of hers has died, base jumping from a bridge.

Wondering about things.
Can't stop sneezing, driving me nuts.

Had some toast.

Will maybe go get local soda.

Feel empty.
Working on getting myself into a more disciplined frame of mind, too scattered, one of the ways you end up when you have a ten ton weight dropped on your head. Just started reading 'How is Weakness of the Will Possible?', looks to be a corker. Should maybe read some Augustine.

Would like to get myself started on some little projects, hard to envision when I have trouble finishing books. Maybe I should start working on a video once the weather gets nicer.

New & different scary nightmares last night, had enough of my own, seem to be picking up someone else's, should probably spend less time on the astral plane, hotbed of infection.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

A few minutes ago, while engaged in some melancholy late evening spam perusal, was overcome by desire for a peanut butter & jelly sandwich, made a quick trip to the corner store for the makings, eating one now. Things are easy when the things you want can be had for money. It's a pleasure universe.
Thinking about being at my father's parents' trailer home in New Port Ritchie as a child, watching a movie about bugs that shot sparks and made stuff blow up, really freaked me out at the time. Sleeping on their screened porch, listening to the endless dredging of the nearby swamp. Nice, crazy lady next door who made elaborate xmas displays & destroyed her liver with fumes from the glue she used to make them.

Felt strongly I was doing something highly worthwhile for once, ended up hurting everyone, keep having nightmares about it, imagine their frequency will diminish with time, not really expecting them to go away.

Should move somewhere with a screened porch.
Had a horrible sinking feeling all day, then, in a shocking turn of events, just had some tasty soup T made, made me feel a bit better. Don't know if it's the dismal weather affecting my mood, could just be that my life has become really fucking sad and when I'm sufficiently worn down, I notice. In any case, soup = very nice.

Having warmth & concern treated as an attack has been very hard for me, left me not really knowing how to approach much of anything, don't really need to approach much, I guess.

P wants out, more wet, gray day- alas.
Snow didn't materialize, outside, a cold drip.

Back feels a bit better this morning, hope it'll last.

After a long time spent cultivating being dispassionate, having genuinely passionate feelings can be pretty difficult, both in the sense of their being hard to stir up & hard to cope with when they arrive. I think I've decided I like them, so they're going to be allowed to stay, will require some sublimation if I don't want to deal with recurring torment & despair, and quite honestly, I don't. I can do sublimation.

There does seem to be some ice mixed in with rain, can hear it clattering on the skylight.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Just back from a walk with Peretz on which we discussed automated methods of producing metadata, P feels that free tagging should be taken one step further, couldn't quite understand what he was getting at, but he made some very vigorous gestures. He also wonders why library catalog systems don't tell you about records other people who've looked at the record you're looking at have looked at. I told him Amazon probably has a patent. We both think that new ideas about what constitutes the context of a document could be very helpful, we tried to come up with some, haven't gotten very far.

Anyway, nice to be talking about something other than our romantic troubles, hard to imagine Peretz has any, I know, but smaller dogs- to be blunt, chihuahuas- can be quite temperamental.
Decided that, back pain or no, we really needed to have some food in the house, so I made my first trip in months to megagroceryplex, got makings of soup, mac 'n' cheese, assorted fruits, really wanted limeade, didn't have the kind I wanted, got awful crappy kind instead, drinking it now, kind of depressing. Ran into Matt Weston, talked vaguely about feeling discontent, problem with the fans in his iMac. Fluorescent lights were very disorienting.

Thought back was feeling a bit better, feeling worse again.

Feeling very tired, have barely moved all day.
Recurring blogger feed time stamping technical glitch just provided me with a melancholy stroll down memory lane, nice to love somebody, sad she's gone away, happy about a lot of things, don't know what to do with myself.

Still with the stabbing pains, all sorts.

Didn't manage a nap.
More pain than you could shake a stick at, though why you'd want to, I don't know. Have been getting a respectable amount of work done regardless, thinking about stopping soon though, maybe try to sleep.

Barely slept last night, not sleeping due to muscle pain's definitely better than not sleeping due to emotional torment, still not that great, beginning to fade around the edges a bit, blurry, fuzzy.

So stupid lately, can't see how you stand it.
Been working from home flat on my back all morning, hurts to move, going to walk over to work in a minute anyway to take care of some stuff that requires my physical presence. Feeling pretty dilapidated, real fixer upper but with plenty of space.

Headache's gone anyway.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Wow, in a lot of pain, wondering if I'll be able to sleep, pretty damn tired so I hope so. No real idea what I've done to myself, muscles are going nuts, yowch.

Having funny thoughts, not ones I really feel like sharing, but they're pretty funny. Get your own funny thoughts.
Got away for lunch quite late, got home to find P hopping up & down with his legs crossed, looking peevish. Having some minor muscle spasms in my lower back & right leg, can move around more or less OK, but they hurt like the dickens. Would like to spend the rest of the day lying flat, have more to do at work, ack.

OK, back to work.
Sky this morning's a mix of gray & luminous, Peretz didn't want to come back inside, can't say I blame him. Me being a mess has been pretty tough on him, should take him for a walk in the mountains sometime.

More snow's on for tomorrow night, it seems.

Wishing I had a less responsible position, could really use more time to myself. I'm getting a lot better at being with myself, it takes practice, though. Still relying more than I would like on ritual behaviors, need to get some more flexibility back if I'm to be of any real use to anyone.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Have spent a good deal of my postwork time outside, walking with Peretz, walking by myself, it's a bit chilly, suits my mood.

Feeling sufficiently better to feel some stirrings of genuine hostility, it's kind of refreshing. Heartless & cold, that's me all over. Gimme danger, little stranger.

Had enough stupidity, it's bad enough when stupid people do it, clever people so wrapped up in their sad, little problems that they act stupid, a nauseating abyss. Time to step away from the edge, think about something else. Cookery, say.

Anybody want to have a dinner party?
No more Imperious Mistress, at least I still have Pierogi Queen.

They're really quite lovely pierogis, the fruit ones run a bit juicy, blueberry stains on my shirt.

Should be counting myself lucky considering the treatment I received, certainly feel well shut of the grossly misapplied psychotherapeutic crap, childish iron hand in velvet glove missives, bizarre self-righteousness, incoherence & general inability to communicate which characterized our later interactions, still miss her quite terribly. Note to self: try to avoid falling in love with any more of your friends, you don't have any to spare.

Oh, well, feeling a bit badly used, not like I don't invite it.
Hectic day at work, got to the bottom of odd behavior of a workstation, a processing machine's hard drive died suddenly, installed new switch in rack, all very exciting.

Been having a wide variety of olfactory hallucinations since going to bed last night, might think it was a tumor if I thought there were any way I could get that lucky. Just kidding, folks, loving life, just loving it.

Still have that headache.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Went & got some ginger ale, perhaps it will cure what ails. Kicked in the head by a sweet lovable donkey, yikes.

Really have had an astonishingly large number of headaches lately, tension, migraine, sinus, you name it. Pretty tired of feeling feeble.

Wobble but I don't fall down.

Sad & restless, restless & sad.
Managed to get some more chores out of the way before again being brought low by stabbing headache, would be really nice to feel healthy for more than a few hours at a time, wait & see.

My emotional state continues to be a lot better, maybe that'll drag the rest of me along after eventually. Still feeling extremely sad a lot of the time, not so much like I'm being run through with red hot skewers. Having a tough time telling how much this business has actually damaged me, not much call for being open and trusting in my day to day life lately, guess we'll see what happens when & if that comes up, I'm a bit worried about it, hoping I'll be able to act that way when appropriate, it's pretty important to me.

Tiresome, tiresome, believe me, I know. I'll try to do better.
So ended up doing my taxes after all, ended up owing the Feds money for the first time ever, small state refund, makes me feel like a grownup, at least at the Federal level. Kinda sucks.

OK, off to post my contribution to the death machine.
Whatever was wrong with me yesterday seems to have stepped off a bit with sleep, still feel funny, no problem walking around.

Wondering how long this cold snap will last, have mixed feelings about it.

Fell asleep watching cartoons on TV, one benefit of this is having different sorts of dreams, not so serious, have had far too many serious dreams lately. Too serious generally, wish I could take more of a situation desperate but not serious attitude, working on it.

All work & no play, pages & pages of it, should never have taken this groundskeeper job.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

I'm feeling very strange, I am pretty strange I guess. I've found life to be pretty difficult and it's made me that way.

I was trying desperately hard to help two of my closest friends, as a result they won't speak to me, not as surprising as it sounds- the sorts of things I was doing were the sorts of things that lead to people not speaking to you, still feels funny. I still think my understanding of the situation was basically correct, so I'm terribly afraid for them, maybe someone else can help them, don't see them helping themselves enough, hope I'm wrong about that, probably not, might be wrong enough for things to be basically OK, just not up to insane perfectionistic standards. If I thought I were the only person involved with standards like that, I'd worry a lot less.

Oh, hell.

Feeling pretty wretched, just physically, just physically- the stuff I'm talking about, I really did my best.
Watching Planet of the Apes, it's on the History Channel for some reason.

"You cut out his memory, you took his identity and that's what you want to do to me." Good stuff.

Don't see myself getting my taxes or much of anything else done this weekend, crap.
Feeling very grateful to my nonhorribly ill self for purchasing some cider yesterday, having some hot, makes my head hurt a little less. In the dark, watching TV Diner, thinking about falling asleep.

Thinking about the sea, feeling a bit desolate.
While walking P just now went from feeling sneezy to feeling very ill, lightheaded, sweating, nauseated, no idea what's going on, immune system seems to be pretty shot. T's gone to the Cape, not sure how well I'm going to manage dog care, crap. Feel poisoned, hope it wasn't the eggs I had for breakfast, already had the sneezing thing before that, so probably not.

Maybe a shower will help.

Feeling pretty overwhelmed by love as well, finding it kind of swell, actually.
No new soda today, too sneezy, sleepy, dopey, etc. to drive all the way to Ludlow.

Should go out & get some provisions of some kind, running pretty low, maybe a Seder ham? Be nice with horseradish.

Not sure what's happened to me the past few days, but I feel relatively peachy, realized I'd been feeling overly responsible for other people's bad decisions among other things. In a bit of an affectionate haze, actually, it's nice.
For some reason being woken by a highly aroused Peretz kicked off a violent fit of sneezing, went on for about half an hour. Still not ever quite getting into a properly restful sleep state. Surrounded by assassins.

Lovely brisk day, considering a trip to restock on local soda, may just read instead.

Talked to my mom on the phone just now about Summer plans, seems very far away, isn't really.

Should do my taxes.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Working on recapturing some of the disdain for stupidity I've lost track of while being upset, kind of nice to be able to feel some hostility, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

The raspberry pie isn't as good as some of Bashista's other pies, still pretty decent.

Peretz is twitchy as hell, we're a lot alike.
Got distracted by Internet, never did get to the pie, maybe later. Did have brief fit of domesticity during which I removed a lot of dead things from the refrigerator.

Walking through the gray twilight with P had bits of "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" running through my head, mixed with snatches of the Iron Maiden song of the same name. Imagine the refrigerator recalled the bit about the thousand, thousand slimy things, but there are lots of other resonances.

Another thing I learned from Cooper is that his housemate was a regular reader of this blog, but gave it up as too depressing, no wonder my ClickShare numbers are down, should've attended that seminar.

Ah, TV Diner with Billy Costa, got to go.
Despite a bit of exhaustion provoked disorientation, have managed to have a pretty nice afternoon, went to Smith dumping area with P, we got to witness mysterious pile movements in action, trucks carting giant amounts of dirt from one end of area to other, good that people are getting things done.

Went and got a couple of pies, one for us, the other for Cooper & Jess, spent some time hanging with Mr. Cooper, got some espresso from his fancy new used machine, lovely crema. He lent me a documentary on the making of Aja, should be interesting.

Also heard about upcoming performance by some portion of my (former) band minus me, people & their delicate sensibilities, sheesh. Hopefully they'll have fun.

Time for pie.
Had nice dreams instead of scary ones, hard to say which is better, didn't want to get up.

Slowly getting used to my freshly injured self, I think, flashes of terrifying pain are just going to happen, there are things I'm just going to have to stay worried about, etc.

Thinking about manifesto, 'The Earth-centered Jew Lacks a Soul', by Alfred Rosenberg, "Considered in himself the Jew represents nothing but this blind will for destruction," oh that it were true. Nothing blind about it, sorry, folks.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Finally got around to eating a can of the nicken choodle soup, a bit too oniony, but not too bad. Not sure if current tranquility is merely the effect of exhaustion, hoping not, in any case, it's pretty nice. If I didn't need to take the dog out in a while, I'd be tempted to fall asleep here on the couch, not even take my shoes off, maybe. Shameful decadence, no wonder they run screaming.

Hoping no more dreams like last night's, how many times can I find the same person's body? Kind of ridiculous, ho ho ho. Green Giant.
Peretz is acting unusually frisky, tossing his rope around, barking.

Now he's sitting next to me peacefully.

Earlier, he was having disturbing dreams.
Home from work a bit early as heading back later to reboot server. Lack of sleep is catching up to me, heart racing, a little vague.

Really feel a great deal better. Saw a possibilty of someone I love & myself both being happier than we were, tried to pursue that, it didn't work, now things are a big mess. Still think it was worth trying, still think it was possible, actually.

Wish things were different, nothing new, keep pressing on.
If for some reason this is nonobvious, a while ago I was presented with a variety of classic double binds with "I hate you, leave me alone"/"Care about me more than anything" being the leading one. Obviously this sort of thing is tough to deal with if you're not willing or able to just not give a shit. Pretty OK with leaving her alone, her hating me & caring about her more than anything at this point. Not a thing I can do besides care, so that's pretty paltry, that's how she wants it, that's fine. Nothing a kid could figure out, lucky for me I'm not one.

The fact is, as it turns out, I can take care of myself if necessary, even without much motivation to do so. Not remotely sure she can, in the long run, anyway, that's pretty worrisome, did all I could about that.

Oh, hell.
Weirdly, despite five hours of sleep ended by waking from nightmares in a panic at 6 AM, I now feel absolutely fine. Other people can make their own mistakes, I'm not that worried about mine. Gal I love has gone away, apparently thinks badly of me, that's a drag, but as long as she's OK, I'm basically OK. It's hard for me to keep clear and focused on what's important when feeling very badly hurt, I'm slowly getting better at it. Nice just to love somebody this much, has been a new sort of experience for me, taking a while to get the hang of it in changed circumstances.

Need to find things I like to do again.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

So damn cold.


Enough of this.
Ended up making dense, eggy pancakes with fried apples with Calvados, T ate some, feel better about that, anyway. Peretz keeps wanting to go out, doesn't like it that much once out in the rain, it's very wet, I'm wet, he's wet.

Horrible pain in my stomach, not like T's, all nerves.

Never been this sad for this long, no idea how long it will last, really. It seems like it's getting better, then it doesn't, actually seems to be getting worse in some ways. Stupid, hate lacking control over myself this much, stupid, stupid, stupid.
OK, sent that off, do I get a head pat? Got soaked on the way to the mailbox, cold again.

Did some dishes too, listening to My Dark Places.

Dishpan hands.

Guess I'm done with the Cisco stuff, hard to face social reentry, hope I'm able to sleep.

Still no ideas about dinner.
Feeling pretty feeble, trying to think of something I can make for dinner that T'll be able to eat. Keep getting cold, not being very successful at warming up, icy hands. Weather has been so strange. Still, not the end of the world, maybe.

Finally getting around to renewing farm share, printing the form out now, hope I'm up to cooking regularly by the time it becomes an issue, hoping hostility to waste will counteract indifference to my well-being, need to start building up array of such tricks again, wish I could muster up a more than intellectual commitment to survival, it'll have to do, I guess.
When you're kicking people to death, seeing their incoherent pleas for mercy as a guilt trip and a reason to go on kicking is a bit like resenting their getting blood all over your shoes, ridiculous but entirely typical. An unusually lucid grasp of human nature only helps so much when you're the one on the ground.

Cold, heavy rain outside, scuttled my haircut plans, maybe Friday. House smells like wet dog.

Keep forgetting to eat, might be a sign of a lack of interest in life, shame about that.

Class has been going well anyway, anybody want to pay me to stay at home going over documentation all day? It's pretty nice.
Spending the day finishing up Cisco activities, doing laundry, should maybe get a haircut.

Feeling a bit numb, kind of nice. Take care of dog, amuse myself as best I can, not too bad, really. Everything interesting only happens in dreams these days, that's OK.

If I can make myself focus, everything is fine, trying to be less scattered, I really am.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Made some matzoh brei in the hope T would be able to eat some, she wasn't, nostalgia trip for me anyway. Hadn't eaten much all day, hard to eat around somebody who the thought of food makes ill.

Peretz also has some sort of indigestion, nearly drove us from the house a while back.

Supposed to snow a little bit tomorrow night, too little, too late.

Flipped out a bit at T earlier, trying to keep it to myself as much as possible, not always possible, hell. Given how much of the time I would spend curled in a ball weeping if given my druthers, I think I'm doing pretty well.
Peretz just got a thorn in one of his paws, I got it out OK, but he's still a little limpy, poor guy.

Got me thinking about incongruous scene in The Castle, where K. inspects the webbing between two fingers of a woman's hand, my favorite thing in the whole book, actually.

Hard to believe how badly I've been hurt, wish I could stop believing it actually. I guess there are some positive aspects to it, kind of refreshing that I would put myself in a position to be hurt this badly, would like to think I'd do so again if it seemed called for, hard to say.
Took a break from studying to walk around by myself in the gray day. Stopped in at record shop & had a chat with Cooper. Slowly sorting myself out. It's hard to make the shift from someone wanting all sorts of things from me to wanting nothing at all, pretty wrenching, keep feeling there's something I should be doing.

It's hard for me to understand people being unwilling to speak to me, I've never felt that way about anybody, makes me feel like I've done something really unspeakable, pretty sure I haven't. It's weird.

T seems to be feeling a little better.
Raw, gray morning, having a hard time waking up.

When someone's been very sick for a long time, sickness can become a comfort. I'm not much for denying anyone whatever comfort they can find, it's hard to come by. Big scary world.

T seems awfully ill, haven't seen her since early yesterday evening, long time to sleep. Wish I had somebody to talk to.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Been making some tentative stabs at getting back to being a lonely bookish schoolgirl, it's hasn't gone that well, too jumpy, have trouble doing anything for longer than about twenty minutes at a time, it's something I should work on, so I'm working on it.

Amazing disposable boy, fox in the snow, handyman special, vanished commissar, pick your favorite image.

Been wondering how I'd have dealt with something like this pre-Internet.
Headache from too much computer-based learning, T's stomach's upset, P's stomach's upset, sad little band.

Should probably spend some time looking at distant objects.

Hungry, a bit afraid to make anything, might make T even more nauseated. Maybe I should go get something for myself in town, a bit cold & forbidding out. Challenging.

We like easy puzzles.
So, to recap.

Having my already somewhat frail and meager sense of human dignity violated by someone I very much love and trust has had consequences highly variegated in all respects save their uniform unpleasantness. Reading about the idiosyncrasies of security devices gets very boring after a while. I feel better days when I get more sleep.

About sums it up.

Oh, also, Peretz continues to be a model of affectionate reliability to which we should all aspire.
When you're used to not wanting much of anything, suddenly finding yourself wanting certain things very much is difficult and confusing. There are things I want very much that I can't have, other things I want very much that I have no control over. The second is worse than the first, the first would be no problem if I hadn't stupidly allowed myself to become hopeful, the second requires me to be either stupidly hopeful or indifferent if I don't want to feel afraid all the time, trying for the stupidly hopeful, mostly feeling afraid all the time.

Can't shake this chill with blanket and dog, hot shower is called for, I think.

Got a little overwhelmed by policy mappings and spent some quiet time catching up on work spam and work things spam-related remotely. Strangely comforting.
Back in Ciscoland, took a break a while ago to go out with Peretz in the light, cold rain. At maximum distance from home, a brief downpour started, left me a bit chilled, P too, he's curled up under my legs.

Sounds like there are all sorts of exciting goings on at work today, glad I'm not there.

Finding being me pretty difficult, looking into other people to be, open to suggestions.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

In the dark with the TV on, T's gone to bed so it's not loud enough to drown out the voices in my head. Peretz is here with me, warm & sleepy, he doesn't know anything's wrong, maybe nothing is.

TV's apparently too loud anyway, plaintive cry from upstairs.

Weird mix of stuff in my head, if it were all just scary & dark it would sink into the background with the rest of the scary & dark stuff, there's all sorts of warmth & light, the better to create painful contrasts.

All this & 'Oh Bondage Up Yours' stuck in my head.
In a spin. Loving the spin I'm in? Not so much.

Chewing gum has lost its flavor.

And so on.

Days run awfully long, can barely remember them after, chock full of nothing. Need a change, very unmotivated, bit of a dilemma.

Not that a change would help much, never going to get used to virtually everything people say being bullshit, vicious stupidity the prime mover behind things, all the sweet little things beaten into shape, turned to bad purposes, made tawdry. It's too fucking much.

More light.
Would have been better not to have gotten up today. Painful thoughts holding steadily in the center of my attention, nothing distracts much, shivering, sad.

Sundays, yick.
Clouds have rolled in, starting to rain. Managed to work in a walk to town and a walk with P on the levee before, both very nice except for being unable to make eye contact with people. Feeling exaggeratedly and pointlessly nervous, wish I had a tranquilizer.

Watching Move Over, Darling on TV. Good old Doris Day.

Keep telling myself I'll be OK, not really buying it.
No one to go to dim sum with, so no dim sum, maybe next week.

Peretz seems to be feeling better, too tired to go to the seaside. Should try to spend a lot of time outside, another lovely day, maybe a walk on the levee.

Something's very wrong with me today, not sure what makes some days bearable, others not. Don't want to be hurt anymore. Doesn't matter what I want, have been hurt in some ways that aren't going to stop hurting, admirably efficient.
Just had to drag Peretz away from a dove in a field, he's lecturing me about proper manly disdain for peace and its trappings, he's been reading a bit too much Pound.

Wishing I were living in the country, raising chickens.

Thinking about computers is making me feel sick.

OK, going to go tend to some computers.
Had some very nasty nightmares, woke up shaking, spent too much time being scared, would really like it to stop.

Feel like I didn't sleep at all. Oh, well, coffee's brewing.
Too unmotivated to make anything with our free red delicious apples, I just ate one of the things. Reminded me of PTA meetings at West Meade Elementary, they always had a bowl of them, specially mealy and flavorless in keeping with the overall nature of the place. This one I just had wasn't too bad, still hard to imagine why anyone would grow them on purpose.

T just showed me a lovely video, here, check it out:

The guy with the trumpet makes me feel really happy for some reason.