Saturday, June 30, 2007

Don't know why the disjunction between what I should be doing & what I'm actually doing hits me so hard sometimes, full moon certainly doesn't help. That's what I should be doing in idealized world where people actually get better & do healthy things, of course, what I should be doing in the actual world remains an open question. Considered in that light, papering over its hellishness with ironic detachment, activities with dog & casual gourmet cookery doesn't seem that unreasonable, actually.

Went and listened to some of that psychedelic music, Horse Spirit Penetrates made a very effective backing track to watching the Sox go down in defeat, kind of sad, never cared much about that sort of thing, now a bit of a fan out of sympathy I have nothing else to do with.

Sky remains very striking, interestingly textured cloud cover + bright full Moon makes for dramatic lighting effects.

Feels nice to be home again.
Just tried to capture devastating sunset with cell phone camera, quixotic.

Doesn't remotely do it justice, still pretty interesting, probably a lovely metaphor for something or other.
Extended wanderings with Peretz, trying to find my way back into the good mood I was in earlier, didn't manage it. He's still acting a little funny, seems to get tired sooner than I expect, maybe he's just getting old.

So damn sad.
Cooking up a storm was really enjoyable but left me feeling a little dazed, might be a good time to go get weekend work out of the way.

Like to share, having fewer people to share things with has been very difficult, weren't that many to begin with, perfectly capable of being independent, don't care much for it. Waves of melancholy, crap.

I've been hurt so badly I really don't know what to do, therefore haven't been doing much of anything, starting to kind of enjoy it, actually, but sometimes I relax too much & my mind starts to drift- sudden, horrifying pain, then I'm sad for a while.

Doesn't really interfere with my doing anything I care about, doesn't really matter.
Northampton farmers' market remains disappointing, seems like they used to carry produce. Drove out to Outlook Farm & got some lovely local products, made a Chinese cabbage slaw, boiling kohlrabi & turnips for mashing, fun fun fun.

Nice to find things fun again.
Cartoonish, sleepy, death of Saturday morning cartoons a sad, sad thing.

Would be a nice day for a fun outing, maybe I can think of one to go on, want to come along?

Tanzanian peaberry seeping into the higher centers, imagine I'll be alive with good ideas shortly.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Went on a walk to visit with my friend, the Moon, ran into some people I know, talked pierogis, pies, sleep disorder labs, power outages, had a beer, watched some darts, made arrangements for farm share during my absence, learned of psychedelic extravaganza tomorrow night at the place with the offensive smoke machine.

Walked around some more, blank-eyed drunken revelers, parent talking to child, "So is the computer in your room or the common space?"

"The common space."

Ah, how I miss that cunning linguist.
Hou Hou Shu, is, it turns out, extremely sweet and foams up a lot when poured. T said Shabbat blessing over it. Nice to live in a traditional household.

Lovely summer moon, just out observing it with Peretz, may go out & observe it by myself in a bit. Really nice out, perfect night for wandering off a sake buzz, wish you were here.

Farm share strawberries are little pieces of pure beauty, intense, varied, exciting.

Wish you were here.
Had lengthy internal struggle between exhaustion & desire for nice coffee, ended up going to Table & Vine for some Tanzanian peaberry, they also had had some very nice stuff for 1/2 off, not sure what I'm going to do with pure lime oil, lime glaze on a bundt cake comes to mind, but what kind? Chile/chocolate? Raspberry/lime? Cupcakes also a possibility. You folks not inviting me to your social occasions are missing out. Also got an adorable tiny bottle of Hou Hou Shu sparkling sake that I'm going to drink once it gets cold, I choose you! Hou Hou Shu!

Grim thinking on the drive home, some things have happened that aren't the sorts of things I can really get over, pretty sure they're things I can learn to live with, good enough?
On return from the levee, came across little old man in my driveway, leaning on a tiny CVS shopping cart, still looking for his cockatiel, still weeping. He had a friend beating the bushes. He's apparently had multiple strokes, difficult to understand. "I think, I think maybe somebody took her. I think, I think maybe she's dead."

Not so hot out now, still got pretty dehydrated wandering under sun on levee, having some local soda, P still seems a little aimless, got kind of grouchy with an overly forward chocolate lab.

T's gone strawberry picking with her mom.
Put my tomato sauce (also had summer squash in it), between two layers of polenta with gorgonzola cheese, baked it, pretty tasty, strong, will be better once it cools, I think.

Doing some post-cooking spacing out, mind's really not wandering into scary corners so much lately, it's nice, thinking about feathering my nest mostly, pointless but amusing.

Peretz wants polenta, walk on levee.
Tomato sauce simmering, brooding about endless war.

Beautiful day for holding hands at the seaside, probably too many people there anyway.

Thinking about heading for the hills.

Hope thing I'm making turns out OK, having some doubts.
Made it through another workweek, going to get started on a tomato sauce in a bit.

Degrading treatment, you'd think people would have more self-respect, maybe you wouldn't, I don't know. Anyway, it's the thing that bothers me most about being subjected to that, certainly doesn't actually make me feel degraded generally, distasteful, unaesthetic. Hard to wrap my head around people I admire being so down on themselves, sick of trying to, frankly, daily grind's exhausting enough.

OK, wash dishes, make tomato sauce.
Returning from morning dog walk in more or less the same state of crisp cleanliness in which I set out on it makes a refreshing change.

Stayed up kind of late thinking about vegetable cookery, think I've got that pretty well mapped out for the weekend, Chinese cabbage is a sticking point, maybe some sort of slaw? Need to go grab a few things from the market after work.

Prospect of vacation's beginning to loom up before me, not facing it with the same dread as usual, rather looking forward to it, actually.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

All aglow, been reading 'A Good Man is Hard to Find', reviewing financial statements.

More reading, less writing, soon.

Dead calm.
Half grapefruit/half lemon, vodka, l'chaim, live long & prosper.

Repetition of motifs, semitic, arabesque.


Finally cooling off outside, inside, it's a bit hectic, feeling happy, smiling.

You are my sunshine.
Just back from long outing under complex sepia-toned skies, P still doesn't seem quite himself, wandering deliberately but aimlessly, 'Salvador Dali's Garden Party' stuck in my head, elaborate fantasies of having a large back yard, obsessive landscaping projects, eccentric structures, A Rebours, mournful countenance, dangerous visions.

Apparent systematic conflict with a judgement I trust as much as my own, closest somebody like me can come to a crisis of faith, intently working on resolution with as little abandonment of premisses as possible, should learn some more efficient sort algorithms.

Total exhaustion, bottomless well, what do I know about love?
Walking home from work, blue heron overhead.

Listening to Arthur, lettuce stuck to my teeth. T just offered me an ice cream sandwich, no, thanks.

Feeling pretty beat up, not always easy being an all-seeing eye, eye of Baal, TV eye. Ai ai ai. A.I.

But enough about me, how are you?
Went & did that test deployment, still nasty by the bridge, came back via Sunderland, again taking the opportunity to contribute to the oil revenues of our comrades to the south.

Feeling a bit logy, wish that cold front would push through already.

Feels strange to be trapped in the dramatization of somebody else's internal conflicts, perhaps I've mentioned it. Remain convinced that the only basis for conflict between us is misunderstanding, plenty of that, good share of it myself, I imagine, none of it willful, for my part, anyway.

Lovable, stubborn donkey. Strolling fancy chickens.

Eyeing farms longingly on the way home, server farm, chicken farm, how different can they be?
Still dizzyingly hot.

Thinking about packing this in fairly soon, maybe take a tip from the cool kids & end it on the equinox, meant to stop some time ago, reality intruded. Meant to leave a well-delimited pile of evasive & allusive mementos for rainy day perusal by those who'd like to imagine they knew me and as a sign & a warning for those who don't, gotten a bit too sprawling, second half a shriveled & distorted image of the first, fun house mirror, true to life in its way, inescapable realism, a picture holds us captive.

& ampersand, & ampersand, fine ligature.
Just rescued a press release on coping with dogs' fear of fireworks from the spam filter (copy available by request), thinking about making the Mohawk Trail Pet Intelligencer a reality, web would be easy of course, have dreams of it appearing beside House Hunter at Indian trading posts, sigh, will probably continue to lie alongside Western Mass. Donut Watch & systematic topic avoidance book group in my pile of unrealized dreams.

Plodding along, logs next.

Feel better soon, buddy.
Just back from taking P out to indulge his post-veterinary need to pee copiously. It's brought on by the steroid shot he's given to prevent a massive inflammatory response to lyme vaccine. He's fretting about being disqualified from the Laff-A-Lympics for doping, trying to explain that that's all in his head & he can not be disqualified if he so chooses & anyway, they've never been too good about rule enforcement. Now he's talking about his childhood admiration for Mumbly or Muttley, he can't remember which.

Nobody much appreciates my telling them their deeply held convictions are all in their head, go figure.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

After a lot of very dramatic distant thunder, a light rain started. Stood around in it for a bit.

Heart's been ripped out, turns out I'm inhuman enough to do without it.

Pizza & greens were super delicious.
Peretz now seems remarkably cheerful, wish I had his memory.

Decided it was too disgusting to spend any more time than strictly necessary outside, so I took the unusual step of getting a pizza delivered. Featuring asparagus, staff of life.

It just arrived, happy times.
Trip to vet was pretty traumatic, Peretz shaking, hiding behind my legs, barking at every sound. Putting loved ones in frightening situations a speciality, fuck. Pretty much same old same old from the vet only now we're to give heartworm meds every other month year-round & add 3/4 tbsp. of chopped garlic to every meal as a tick preventative.

Took him to play for a while in a field in Granby after, considered grabbing a pizza from Pizza Palace of Granby but decided it was too long till T was getting home. Should maybe get a pizza from somewhere else in a while, would be nice with some of those spicy field greens.

Trying to get myself back to normal with coffee & orange dry soda, seems to be working a little.
Even more startlingly hot, brief walk from work to home had quite a strange effect, need to go out again in a minute with P, will probably return a changed person, for better or worse, who can say?

Spent the morning busy with unusual things, wonder if people will ever learn to read error messages and accurately report what they say, like talking to sleepwalkers.

OK, going to go brave tropical conditions now.
Having completed my periodic destruction of my supply of brown Carhartt work pants, I ordered a new stock the other day, just arrived. Wear brown on the outside because brown is how I feel on the inside.

All in green today, actually, apart from the shoes. Save us, Captain Planet!

OK, sudoku, then work, then vet, maybe pick up a pizza after.
Morrissey's been postponed, bit sad about it, hate people to be disappointed.

The things you learn checking to make sure things are functioning, strange.

There was a period of a few years in the 90s when I avoided the news entirely, was better, I think, hard when one is employed by a news outlet.
Many confusing dreams, things changing dimensions, unintelligible speech, at least nobody died.

Nasty insomnia continues but I'm feeling surprisingly fine, less need for sleep in the summer anyway.

Looking at Peretz, thinking about taking him to the vet later, glad he doesn't realize. He finds the place more upsetting every year, hard to take him there.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Just back from long walk with P through profound mugginess, so bad that I said bleh to scruples and stopped at corner market for a Vitamin Water, innocent pleasures served up by pure evil, what a drag.

Changed into pjs, shower's next, if the bathroom ever becomes available, damp & foul.

Ah, bathroom has become available, fresh & clean here I come.
Hard to believe that this time tomorrow night I'll be enjoying Morrissey!

Kidding, kidding, never really gotten into his solo stuff, not that there's anything wrong with it...

Pretty much over being insulted, hard to get over the ridiculousness, sorry.
Lots of heavy lifting, mindless button pushing at work today- strong, silent type, funny to me in ways that are hard to explain.

Being asked for relationship advice again, kind of enjoying the absurdity of it, guess I can bring some analytical rigor to the table, doesn't help much when people aren't clear about what they want. Makes me grateful for the simple straightforwardness of my own wishes in that sort of situation, a little hard to understand why others aren't similarly clear on these things, insufficiently dialectical I imagine.

Space bar is sticking, argh.

T says, "It's really fucking hot."
Had to reschedule my little Amherst deployment to Thursday, hope pizza looks as good then as now, having some gummi bears & coffee for lunch. Just dragged P away from strange man crashed out behind the trees in the back yard, a little off-putting but it's too hot a day for me to really begrudge anybody some shade.

Keep needing to go out for one reason or another, come back into chilled room, it's making me feel a little funny, typisch für Sommer.

Peretz is panting happily on his bed, likes it hot, I guess.
Another hot day, already sweaty, rather looking forward to spending most of it in the cool, surrounded by the hum of machines.

May try to work in a quick trip to Amherst for that test deployment. Could maybe get a pizza slice or something while over there, that would be nice.

Hard to tell tranquility from numbness sometimes, maybe there's no real difference.

Wonder when T's getting home.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Dreadfully tired again, again unable to sleep. Spent an awful lot of my life like this, an awful lot.

Never been much for psychological novels, tiresome melange of the obvious & the arbitrary for the most part, realistic enough in their way, I suppose, not that that's much of a recommendation.

Been feeling a bit dragged down by others' lack of imagination, more to be pitied than censured, getting more fanciful flights in lately, anyway, short ones, mostly, for the moment.

I was born on the side of a hill.
Pure form, mere formalism.

"Non-related people," never known anyone more related, pity people aren't more literal-minded, they'd understand more & better.

Not everyone needs or wants to of course, so much the worse for them.

Child covering her eyes to become invisible. Sweet, would be nice if it worked, doesn't.
Temptation of looking at distant objects proved to be too much for me, pretty sweaty, visual acuity much improved.

Been beating myself up for things which simply weren't my fault long enough, haven't been feeling guilty exactly, more just stupid, much more likely to be hard on myself for being stupid. What I've been feeling stupid about is believing that what I was told was wanted was in fact what was wanted, have decided that if that was stupid, it was stupid out of trust and love, would probably be better if I were stupid that way more often, not likely to happen, but it would probably be better.

Visual acuity much improved.
Too darn hot.

Sharing hot dogs with Peretz, feeling a bit scrambled, he seems happy.

Got more vegetables, beautiful purple kohlrabi, chinese cabbage, etc., etc. Still more exciting than burdensome, will see how it plays out as quantities increase. Farm share for week of the 16th of July is still up for grabs if anyone's interested, high summer, should be pretty good.

Eyes having trouble focusing, too much computer screen, would like to be outside looking at distant objects, too darn hot.
On hold with the vet's office, horrible static-ridden hold loop, horn music, just awful.

Been on hold a weirdly long time, you'd think they sold software or something.

Managed to make an appointment, sorry guy.
Coffee, shower, amazing, wouldn't think I'd only gotten four hours of sleep, amazing stuff.

Peretz is strangely perky & playful this morning, funny, good dog.

Flat time, finding little enjoyments in it.

Need to make a vet appointment for P, poor guy, how he hates it.
Been lying in bed unable to sleep, Peretz beside me having intense and seemingly upsetting dreams, got up to get a glass of water.

Not upset or anything, just very alert, very tired but very alert.

Going to go lie in the dark some more, think melancholy thoughts, feel affectionate.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Peppermint tea.

Thick-headed, drowsy, should probably just go to sleep. Keep starting to cry, bit desolate. Should just go to sleep.

Going to drink my tea, then see how I feel about it.
Even though I slept late, it feels like the middle of the night. Did a lot of stuff today, but I think it's reading that does this mostly, takes me far away & leaves me there, I've spent too much time reading, not just today.

Going to go spend some time in town & see if I can't reinsert myself into the time where the rest of you are. So damn lonely.
Out on walk with P just now he hurt his paw, let out a high anguished yelp, recovered quickly but got me thinking of the time back in February when we came in from a particularly cold night and he kept limping & whimpering. Stupidly tried calling estranged beloved in search of advice, she knows more about dog health than I do, is of a more empirical turn of mind generally. Of course she didn't answer or call back, can't say I blame her, but it made me terribly upset that her mask of cruel indifference extended to my dog, hurt me more than anything else she did, I think. Sheer animal pain.

Going to clean the kitchen now.
Stew came out sharp, complex and interesting. Expect by tomorrow it will have mellowed and become perhaps more complex & interesting.

Finally finished reading Dhalgren, odd for it to take me a year to read a book, it's been an odd year, over now, attention turning to other things. Can't say I cared for the book that much, but it did sort of set the tone. Thinking of starting in on Tartarin of Tarascon.
Stew's stewing, doing crosswords, might start in on a novel in a bit. Having brain a bit less all over the place is nice, being able to concentrate makes the passage of time a lot more bearable.

Sometimes people believe things in order to be able to make choices, I generally find that false beliefs = bad choices, maybe even bad choices are preferable to undecidability sometimes.

Somebody I care about a lot made some choices that seem very bad to me, wasn't deserving of being let in on all the information that went into making them apparently, but what information I have isn't encouraging. Anyway, they were very much her choices to make, been trying not to worry too much about it, finally succeeding at not worrying too much about it.

Another lovely day, may spend some time reading outside after stew is finished.
Not as fully conscious as usual this morning, kind of a relief, taking advantage of it by doing tiresome household chores, laundry, etc. Going to start working on spicy stew shortly.

Peretz is giving alternately quizzical & melancholy looks from his bed, wondering if he can have another boutique fish skin treat, perhaps.

Fell asleep watching cartoons, had amusing cartoon dreams. Actually managed to sleep in, pretty happy about it.
Ice cream sandwich.

Very relaxed, in a lot of pain, that's just fine, lovely calm.

Went & saw a little bit of that music, nothing special, people dressed up in their rock 'n' roll outfits, had a beer, face feels warm.

Feel warm all over, getting back to being dangerous, only way I'm any use.


Saturday, June 23, 2007

Spent more time out in the sunshine, talked with family on the phone a bit from a bench in town, hideously deformed & tanned folk streaming by. Came home and made myself a salad with interestingly frilly lettuce from farm share. Doing pretty well at eating my vegetables, going to use up the rest of them in some sort of chile-based concoction tomorrow, I think.

Was thinking about going to see some music in a while, feeling kind of strangely blissed out, tempting to just lie around and let the waves of well-being wash through me. All the vitamins, no doubt.

Well, vitamins & coming to better terms with loving someone with severe emotional problems, not sure how I managed that, but I definitely seem to have done so.

Hmmm, Peretz wants out again, steak.
Pie is quite good, spent more time outside with P, got some work done, feeling kind of tired & out of sorts, listening to Brazilian music.

Might go be outside more, it's awfully nice out, not really what I'd like to be doing, don't get to do what I'd like much, still might be nice to be outside.

Maybe I could find a trashy novel or something.
Strawberry icebox pie process documentation.

Should really spend more time making desserts, it's fun, more fun when there're people to give them to, oh well.

It's a beautiful day, between strawberry picking & walking around waiting for various pie stages to complete I've been outside quite a bit, all very relaxing & pleasant.

Peace & love.
Finally went & picked my strawberries, was followed around the field by some exaggeratedly encouraging proud parents & their progeny, "Oh Brian, you're doing so well, now, Brian, only pick them when Daddy says it's OK, you're doing so well staying in the rows, would you like to go over to the row where Mommy is, yes, Daddy has strong long arms, you're doing so well," etc., etc. Poor Brian.

About to blind bake some pie shells, cream cheese out to soften.

Deployed anti-fly measures, hope they work, Peretz has been very annoyed with all the movement.

Friday, June 22, 2007

After spending so long providing tech support there are some things I should have learned- never believe anything anyone says, never expect anyone to understand what I'm saying. What can I say, slow learner, getting it bit by bit.

Feel weird, been feeling weird, worried, affectionate, hurt, all pretty normal in themselves, intensities, combinations have been pretty weird, are still pretty weird, are going to stay pretty weird, I think.

Funny sort of ifreet, grant wishes to others that turn against me in unexpected & perverse ways, not as easy as you'd think being an evil spirit of fire.
Progressively more alert as the hour grows late, doing some tidying in preparation for baking tomorrow, progressively more disciplined as it becomes clearer that I've been permanently damaged, semblance of functionality coming together nicely.

Boy, does my foot ever hurt.

Hoping I have no further dreams about disturbing phone calls, hoping ones I've already had are not prophetic in nature. Kind of kidding, but when I'm sufficiently afraid something bad is going to happen, it usually does. Nothing mystical about it, just astute, the mystical part comes in when I need to struggle along in the debris after and communion with pure form helps to take my mind off the shrapnel in my side.

Kidding, kidding, everything's great.
Managed to shake off lethargy sufficiently to run out to market for non-strawberry makings of strawberry icebox pie, have enough stuff to make two, just as easy to make two, going to make two. A little depressing that I have no idea what to do with the second one- anybody want a pie? (see specifications here & compare to dietary requirements)

Moving around made me feel more awake, imagine by bedtime I'll be feeling quite vigorous & ready for anything. Not a proposition or anything, just ruing my inability to sleep.

Well, I suppose it could be one if you like. I could throw in a pie.

Raining again, interesting light.
Decided I didn't have the energy to deal with getting pizza, pretty pathetic. Just ate some snacky things I had around the house, not very satisfying.

It's very interesting outside, damp, cool, bright, clouds melting away at the edges, wish I had little more vim, would go out exploring.

Beginnings of a headache. Terrifying visions.

Crappy scifi TV here I come.
Thinking about taking a night off from healthy cooking, maybe get a pizza or something, never did find a place with pizzas & malts, frustrating, should probably open one.

Dried off a bit then rained again, still haven't gotten my strawberries, maybe in the AM.

Can't decide what sort of pizza I want, things are difficult, could use a hug.
Lots of foxes stepping jauntily into a state of marital bliss this year, that or the devil's caught his wife stepping out again, maybe even just caught wind of somebody sniffing around, quite a temper on that one.

Kits, cats, sacks, wives.

Was going to go pick strawberries, but it's actually raining pretty hard, maybe later or in the morning.

So glad to be done with work for the week, today was pretty hectic, random breakage everywhere, sigh.
Astonishingly beautiful morning, cool breezes, luminous clouds, Peretz pushing through the tall grass, seeds making him sneeze.

Vivid memory, long attention span, things sort of pile up, spend a lot of time sorting & comparing, like any habit, it gets tiresome. Maybe this excessive documentation gives some sense of it, pretty pale & partial.

Listening to 'Wined and Dined', really something.

Hoping it doesn't get too hot & I can go pick strawberries after work.
Peretz is on a bug hunt.

I'm listening to 'Barrett', trying to forget about the dreams I had last night, they seem more real than my life a lot of the time.

Nice to have good coffee.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Lay in the dark for a bit, listening to thunder. Started to feel restless, did some dishes. Cooking a lot is fun, but it makes quite a mess. Getting better at making my own fun, dealing with my own mess.

Pretty total emptiness, it's starting to feel normal again, might be good, might be bad, definitely easier.

Contorting my right foot trying to be rid of cramp, very painful.
Made a quick trip to W. Springfield for coffee & donuts, nice rainbows along the way, trucks jackknifed, cars flying off the road, safe because my heart is pure. Thinking about Syd Barrett, how much I hate 'Dark Side of the Moon', was taken to a laser show of that at the Boston Museum of Science on my 19th birthday, pretty terrifying, hadn't slept the night before, kept passing out & having that crap invade my dreams, better than my 36th anyway.

Getting a little tired of serializing myself into a text stream, getting the feeling nobody's got appropriate filters to deal with it. May get back to being complex, coiled up & quiet soon.

Also coming unstuck, getting back to cold heartlessness, watch yourself.
T's gone out of town for a few days, enabling strange culinary experimentation, just made myself some burrito-type things filled with very cuminy cabbage. Kind of reminded of the large cabbage-heavy egg rolls I used to get at Wong's Chinese fast food when I was 13 & had Bar Mitzvah money burning a hole in my pocket.

There are some flies in the house, driving Peretz nuts.

Continuing to feel oddly at ease with myself, thought I'd resigned myself to the darkness of this world a long time ago, honestly, I probably had, but I've just had to do it again. Let myself hope that something worthwhile might be spared with enough care & effort, I'm done hoping for that. We're all going down together at least, love you kids, let me know if you need anything.
Being at work is having the most unpleasant effects on me today, glad the week is almost over, think it's mostly the lighting that's bothering me, making my skin crawl, jumpy.

Feeling a bit lost.

Wonder if there's anything fun to do tonight.
Former BBQ restaurant:

BBQ restaurant in Hatfield my dad particularly liked burned down this morning, hope he's not too disappointed.

Keep blanking out today, can't remember what I was just doing, what I was thinking of doing, really need more sleep.

Thinking private thoughts, kind of wish I could share them, might make somebody feel better, they're certainly making me feel better.

OK, should go walk the dog.
Listening to Nick Drake, playing with camera. Won this chicken playing Skee Ball, back when they had it at the Hampshire Mall:

We've been through a lot together, expect chicken will be departing with T, end of an era.
Stand still, and I will read to thee
A lecture, Love, in Love's philosophy.
These three hours that we have spent,
Walking here, two shadows went
Along with us, which we ourselves produced.
But, now the sun is just above our head,
We do those shadows tread,
And to brave clearness all things are reduced.
So whilst our infant loves did grow,
Disguises did, and shadows, flow
From us and our cares ; but now 'tis not so.

That love hath not attain'd the highest degree,
Which is still diligent lest others see.

Except our loves at this noon stay,
We shall new shadows make the other way.
As the first were made to blind
Others, these which come behind
Will work upon ourselves, and blind our eyes.
If our loves faint, and westerwardly decline,
To me thou, falsely, thine
And I to thee mine actions shall disguise.
The morning shadows wear away,
But these grow longer all the day ;
But O ! love's day is short, if love decay.

Love is a growing, or full constant light,
And his short minute, after noon, is night.

Happy Solstice.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Thinking about systematically applying myself to learning new things again, seems like it might be distracting, maybe make me more useful to others.

Where to begin?

Anyway, seems like things are going to be hectic for a little while, have some time to think about it, ease myself into it.

Wine really is quite lovely, as are you.
Wine is pretty great.

Need to go pick strawberries at some point, icebox pie, good times.

Watching the ball game, IMing, constructing metaphysical constructs.
One of these days I'm going to do something with a kohlrabi other than dicing it & tossing it into a stir fry, not today, anyway, it's very tasty in a stir fry.

Finally got that remote testing I've been wanting to do for months done, seems to work pretty well, now planning a test deployment, hurrah!

Feeling sort of overwhelmed by time, won't stop behaving in funny ways, T's asking my opinion about the relative suitability of shoes.

Anyway, despite the continuing herky-jerky character of my experiential flow, I'm really feeling pretty nice, used some vinho verde in the sauce for stir fry, going to drink the rest of the bottle later, toast the missing & the dead, etc.

Mild melancholic benevolence, best I can do these days.
Feeling a bit fuzzy, hoped eating some lunch would help, but it's made me more so, want to curl up under something for a nap.

Maybe more coffee, already had quite a lot today.

Ears are strangely warm.
This morning's best spam subject lines:

Vraag/Opmerking voor Pruikenwinkel
polite omphalos
It had been attached to him since the day on the old battlefield where he had first met it.
Zadel uw personeel de dag voor hun vakantie niet op met onredelijk veel werk.
The responses varied widely, a curse for all those who did not stay where they belonged or a shrug and a blank look being the most common.
Ordinary space I cannot be allowed me, down on public holidays and; mind
imaginative ball bearing
If you could have done another world in a microfilm what's wanted us, a part
incinerated sheriff

Given how many I just looked at, amusement's pretty thin on the ground, still, a sucker for anything Dutch, Pruikenwinkel!

It's the 70th birthday of the woman who does the dummying so there's lots of muffins & stuff, lovely.
"My pretty snow deer, say you will go dear
From your side I'll never part, every trail leads to your heart
It's time to marry, no time to tarry
Let me carry you from here my sweet snow deer"

Wish I could write lyrics that well, stuck in my head on & off for months, it's something else.

Another gray morn.

Sorry about the headlights, dear.
Feeling whimsical.

Mistaken for what I am not, make it easy for people, worry sometimes that I'm engaged in unintentional testing, awfully curious about things, diagnostic tendencies, if I were more aware of what I was doing I would work to make the probes less invasive, of course, if I were more aware of what I was doing, I'd probably do it a lot less. Unpleasantly rational agent seeks perfect information state for smoothly functioning decision trees, universal enlightenment.

A hard case, order Chelonia, Churchy LaFemme.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Pretty hammered.

Having delicious homemade soup ready to hand is really very nice.

Half watching TV program about refugees.

Think I might go wander around outside for a while.

Very much in love, circumstances somewhat unfortunate, really quite a beautiful experience in any case, wouldn't trade it.
Spent most of the evening walking around with Peretz & playing with shell. Drinking the last of the Old Krupnik now, it's having a lovely effect on my mood, which, strangely enough, was already pretty good.

Wish I were better at conveying the variety of things going on in my head, I think you'd find them amusing.

Warm, strange, so many little melodies.

Would rather be swapping jokes, can't have everything. Footprints in the butter, her dog was blind too, why the long face?

Oh, I hope we get to go to Salem Willows.
T's gone to visit her grandma's grave with her folks, guess it's just slightly less than a year since she died, seems a lot longer, things have been strange, time's gone all cockeyed, you know the drill.

Was still a little hungry so had a piece of toast with some cottage cheese, considering drinking myself silly in the hope that I'll get called into work again, probably too responsible, well, maybe just a little silly.

Go for a walk, then drink myself a little silly, maybe.
Left work a bit early, made some penne with garlic scape pesto, also sauteed some broccoli, had field greens on the side, farm share is pretty magical. T's going away for multiday dance party tomorrow, will give me some sense of what the future holds as far as dealing with giant quantity of vegetables on my own. Have some plans for that, hopefully it'll all work out nicely.

Very hot out, just took P for a short walk, but he wants to go out more, hoping he can hold out till it cools off a bit.
Damsel in distress, funny role, probably best not to overplay it, might seem like a put on. Maybe that's the point?

Am I talking about you or me?

OR, XOR, funny thing, disambiguation becomes more complex than in a statement even if the above is interpreted as a rhetorical question, either, neither, both all satisfy perfectly well.

Back to work, back to work.
'Along Came Jones' - tired of being the villain of the melodrama. Sorry, it's ridiculous.

Hard to decide whether having somebody capable of sympathetic understanding but choosing not to indulge in it is preferable to feeling straightforwardly isolated, alienated, etc. Guess it changes my perspective on what's possible, but not on what's likely. More interested in pure possibility when it comes down to it, so it's sort of a big deal, the world is very different now, more painful, but that's OK, I think. Hoping it motivates me to do something interesting.

Slowly feeling more awake.
Listening to the Coasters, didn't sleep much, feeling a little sluggish but basically OK.

Trying to move my planning horizon beyond the next couple of days, it's challenging, really don't have that much interest in things. You'd think having some scheduled events in the coming months would help, but really it makes it worse, filler time.

The world really does seem pretty much like pure evil, hard to choose between hiding under a rock and trying to make improvements, probably do some of both, given the upshot of my last substantive effort at improvement, probably going to err on the side of hiding for some time to come, frustrating.

'Charlie Brown' just came on, complex associative networks.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Called into work to deal with minor but legitimately systemic issue, got sidetracked into things I should really have nothing to do with, oh well, home again now.

Wishing I were less caustic, worse when I'm frightened, been frightened a lot lately. Sorry, something of a nasty shrew, but I mean well.

Feeling a bit agitated, hope I can sleep.
Out walking with P, fireflies in the trees. Always make me think of Newsom's Mill on summer nights, the trees above the river densely alive with light.

Spent a good while talking on the phone with my pal Chris in Nashville, apparently his girlfriend Emily is taking a sculptural book course in the Catskills in early August & they're going to come visit here as well. There's a possibility of our going to visit a mutual friend who apparently now lives in Beverly, there's an art exhibit in Salem Emily wants to see, I'm hoping we can go to Salem Willows for kettle corn, chop suey sandwiches & Skee Ball. Really looking forward to seeing them, hopefully I can be less of a drag than I was last Chris was here.

T's quite sick, hope I don't get sick, tired of getting sick.
Came home from work, walked the dog, had some soup, took a meditative walk into town by myself, a bit hazy out, still pretty warm.

Trying to get a new agenda together in my head, figure out some priorities that make sense to me. In the meantime, readiness is all. Who knows, sometime, somebody or other I care about might need something from me, best to be prepared.

Working on keeping my feelings in check- at the moment, they're not much use.

Trying to think of ways to make little corners of the world less nightmarish.
Exciting fire extinguisher training at work, got to put out a diesel fire with sprayed bicarbonate of soda, wheeeee.

Car continues to start reliably, got more veggies. Large kohlrabi, hurrah! Farm share seems to be picking up steam, arrival of garlic scapes, cabbage, baby bok choy, if I'd had time I could have picked 3 quarts of strawberries, will do that some time later in the week.

Lazy, hazy, crazy.
T got home OK, she's not feeling too good, though.

Feeling stranger & stranger, it's nice actually, pain was making me unpleasantly banal. Cultivating detachment from the things of this world, it's a gas, fluid, formless.

About time for me to float on over to work.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Text messaging with T, the commuter train she was taking back to her car has apparently broken down in Mamaroneck, she was already going to be getting home late, ick. Also she was saying she was tired before this happened, I'm a bit concerned.

She's just tried to call me, apparently cell reception is none too good on broken down commuter trains in Mamaroneck.

Ah, she finally succeeded. Is being transferred onto another train.

Going to try to sleep.
Weird how context sensitive one's sense of well-being is. Feeling like I do right now would have been shockingly dreadful a year ago, right now seems pretty OK. Sad as hell, terribly worried about things I can't do anything about, but don't feel particularly tormented or anything, actually got a reasonable night's sleep, had a pb & j, glass of water, actually feel sort of relaxed.

All sorts of odd pains, instep, ear, apparently months of sleep deprivation can be detrimental to one's health.

Happy to have tried.
Forgot to mention that I saw sad little old man talking to neighbor earlier, still looking for his cockatiel, still seeming very shaken up. Makes me very sad, wish I could help.

Can't seem to shake missing & worrying about my lost bird either. Getting used to it.

Wishing I had a suitably trashy novel on hand.
Soup came out very tasty, very garlicky, prospect of giant quantities of kale for months to come very pleasing.

Lolling about in pajamas, watching baseball on TV, happy Father's Day.
Making soup, it's gotten sort of gray & foreboding outside. Have been feeling better than I have in months the past couple days, must be all the fresh vegetables & clean living.

Ooh, just remember I tossed an Orange Dry soda in the fridge yesterday, thoughtful of me.

Pleasure universe.
P had fun in Leeds, I think, took a couple of quick dips in the river then got back to his usual business of minutely examining underbrush. I had fun, too, apart from being dragged into a thorn bush, think I've finally got all the thorns out of my shirt.

Little blue farmhouse abutting industrial zone, right down the street from dim sum place is for sale, very tempting. Peretz thinks the location is promising but objects to its lack of a turret, fenced yard.
Given how desperately P was just trying to get into the filthy stream by the WEBS lot, I think he wants to go swimming, maybe I'll take him to the Mill River somewhere in a bit, maybe Leeds?

Coffee percolating its way into my brain, listening to TVPs, wondering why people are so in love with their traumas. I've had one recently that's been quite obtrusive, but I've no fondness for it, it's not precious to me in any way, would very much like to get over it & will, more or less. Slowly getting more freedom of action, it's lovely, you should try it.

Peretz is lying on his bed, looking at me as though he finds me very very tiresome. Join the club, buddy.
Woken from the loveliest dreams by piping barks from Peretz, wanting to play.

Should do something fun today, besides just making soup. Hmm.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Found in my old mail, subject 'photographic evidence'- irony's great, isn't it?

That's the beach where we found the dead Stinktier, sad, beautiful.
New WWLP local forecast page, grotesquely incompetent. Habitually go there to check local weather, oh well.

Snuggled up with Peretz, warm & tranquil, overflowing with fondness & pity. Could do without the pity, get well soon, OK?
I've been disappeared, from a Dairy Queen, no less. Sorry if it offends, but I find it fucking hilarious.

Also makes me worried, but I've decided there's nothing I can do about that.

Have we learned nothing from the Soviet experience?
Made a salad with beets, aged goat cheese, ate it.

Took Peretz for a brief walk in the light rain, hoping some other creature will eventually eat the dead bird by the WEBS lot, getting pretty tired of dragging him away from it. He's been trying to convince me that just letting him eat it would be the easiest & most ecologically sound course.

Feeling damp, more from mugginess than the unimpressive rain.
Spent some time wandering around observing distant thunderstorms, generally dramatic skies. Wishing I was better at taking naps, a nap would be nice.

It's starting to rain.
Let car sit in the sun to get hot, tested whether it would start, started just fine. With a functioning car, temptation proved too much for me & I set out to acquire some local strawberries & strawberry products. They're very tasty. Got some eggs & an onion as well, exciting.

Wondering what to do with my newfound sense of well-being, maybe just enjoy it lazily.
Successfully resisted temptation of more local produce, did some work, made another attempt at getting car fixed instead, hope it starts more easily now, among other things, my trying to start it repeatedly really seems to freak P out. Rest of day free, will maybe make a salad with remaining roasted beets, spend time outside with dog, feeling strangely better about things, wonder if it'll last.

If I was sure my car would start to get me back home, I'd be tempted to drive someplace scenic.

Temptations all around, luckily my will is strong.
Staggered out of bed from still more inadequate sleep, had complex déjà vu about my thinking about air conditioners and window fans, the thoughts and my impression of their having already occurred descended rapidly and interestingly into incoherence, hall of mirrors with somebody playing with the focus, sleep deprivation has its amusing aspects.

Maybe check out the farmers' market?

Friday, June 15, 2007

Luminous beets!

Ended up playing with shell scripts instead of watching scifi programming, so many hip activities, so little time.
Escapist TV, roasting beets, what could be better?

Small hitch, thought I had allowed myself to run out of aluminum foil, turns out I had only misplaced it.

So all's well.
While walking, thought, "should've written, 'Hard to please, hard to please- gosh, that's six!'"

Shoulda woulda coulda.

Anyway, thinking things through, reorienting. Had a fine plan & why wouldn't it've been, best minds of my generation & all that. Fine generative mechanism for moments of perfect beauty, fully prepared to do my part to bring it to pass, others not so much, that's OK, different information, different approaches. Not so keen on what I know of the new plan, but I'm sure it's got its good points. I can make new plans too, clever boy.

Can have confidence in other people but not for them, pity. Pretty absolute confidence in my ability to improvise & find a path, real disaster ongoing & longstanding, everything else is kid's stuff.

Starving hysterical naked, jeez Louise, ain't it the truth?
My dad's emailing me real estate listings, mostly ranches, not within walking distance of grocery store, bleh. Mostly I've still been looking at three families- stubborn, perverse, deluded, reliable, lovable. Jeez, that's five dimensions of compatibility, what do people want these days? Hard to please, hard to please.

Lots of escapist scifi fare available this evening, think I may go wander around outside instead, at least for a while.

Thinking about Paul McCartney.

OK, out & about in what's left of the sunshine.
Some thoughtful soul took the time to write "John Sucks It -> DONKEY DICK" in the new sidewalk by the Senior Citizen Center, proving once again that it's the little things.

Walking in town eating a burrito, thinking about Wilhelm Reich, would be a lovely day to be up in a biplane, chasing off UFOs. Got some extra makings for salad later, soup's been deferred to Sunday, the better to provide workweek lunches.

Peretz is jingling, burying something in his bed.
In a fit of whimsy just set my work desktop background to this:

OK, fit's over, back to slate gray.
All the little wild animals seem sleepy too, took some encouragement to get them to run away from Peretz, that kind of morning, I guess.

Wondering if problem with my car isn't the main relay, the thing that makes me wonder this is that it seems to have problems starting when it's really hot inside the car, whether or not it's particularly hot outside. Could swap it out & see, maybe I will.

Heart very fluttery, really need more sleep.
As time to sleep approached, got no less tired, but a lot less sleepy, another day as walking dead. Brains?

Been popping awake at 6:30 a lot, yuck.

Will maybe make a soup after work.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Managed to take P for a longish walk in the woods, hope that does him for the day, don't think I have another in me.

Was thinking highly self-critical thoughts on walk, wishing I was better at being innocuous, less self-assertive. Being critical & intellectually aggressive are things I'm good at, hard not to do, even if there's no point. Good at other things too, should stick to those, perhaps. It's worse with people I feel very close to, of course, treat them more like I treat myself in those respects, sometimes feel like it's the respectful thing to do, sometimes think it's stupid. Important to me to try to be honest about certain things when I think people will understand, really wish I could be nicer about it, end up being much nicer to people I care nothing about, it's fucked up. Might be OK if I ever ended up caring much about anybody that wasn't pretty fragile, doesn't seem to be my thing. Shit.

Thought about some other stuff too, always ended up in the same place. Shit, shit, shit.

Would very much like to be watching bad scifi television shows, none to be had.

Anyway, if it doesn't seem like it sometimes, I almost certainly think you're the cat's pjs. Sorry about that.
Scrambled eggs with cream cheese & scallions, dill bread, more salad, quick & tasty, feel a bit more human.

Boundary issues, so glad I don't have those, so sorry if you do, they seem pretty awful.

Food & reclining have conspired to make being tired a much more pleasant state.

Aftertaste of scallion & dill.

Thinking about lovable sway-backed donkey, strolling fancy chickens.
Spam filler text:

"images can only be viewed via the computer and nowhere else. It exist yet. It has been able to avoid fading out of public view that thrilling. One spends all one's life in an interactive is a permanent attachment to the piece and it is therefore an for this long because of its' name, which sounds sufficiently"

Just beautiful & entirely true.
Remote testing has been deferred again, among others reasons- my car won't start, thought maybe that'd been fixed, guess not. Despite general nastiness of driving to Amherst these days, was rather looking forward to getting out & about, oh well, at least I'm less likely to accidentally terrorize anybody by being spotted going about my business.

Wish I had a cot in here or something. A/C noise is very soothing.
Got some Viagra spam with "Preved!" as the subject line, is nothing sacred?

A harsh edge to the day, even the ginger ale didn't help much, maybe I'll sleep well tonight.

Reading logs, thinking thoughts.
Big day for dragging P away from dead animals, bird with its wings splayed, squirrel lying on its side, eye half open.

Tired now, eyes drooping.

Going to have a salad & some ginger ale.
Out with Peretz in the cool, gray morning, don't know what I'd do without him. Be a lot sadder, I imagine.

Still feeling kind of ill, have a funny off feeling from inadequate sleep, not tired exactly.

Going to be a long day at work, going to do some remote testing at the tail end, hopefully won't go too late.

Funny being transformed into the stuff of nightmares & dreams.
Slept badly. Had a strange nightmare about eating dumplings at a restaurant with estranged pals. They were talking to each other as if I wasn't there, their eyes were tearing up, red, one of their eyes was bloody. After we were done eating, they went to their car, I told them I loved them, the one with the bloody eye started making violent accusations while raising his arm in a defensive gesture. He was wearing a fingerless glove, also bloody, some of his fingers were stumps.

Anyway, bad sleep or no, just as glad to be awake again. Coffee's brewing.
Can't sleep, no panic or anything, feel strangely peaceful actually, thinking, little path of destruction humming a tune to itself, straightforward, complicated.

So many things I can't talk about, some things that I don't understand adequately, some things that would hurt people. No interest in hurting people, get the impression that my just being hurts people. Well, it hurts me too. Sorry.

Strange & difficult, quite a pair.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

T's gone to the gym. Keep starting to cry, things have been a bit much for me lately. Fall's going to be hard.

Cool breeze from the window, talking to my mom on the phone.

Took T out for some celebratory sushi, both pretty glum, nervous, but food made us feel a bit better. Tempted to just go to bed, lying in the dark listening to music is my new favorite thing.

Weird thinking about having more living space, less money, so much more time alone. Maybe it'll be interesting. Guess late summer/fall will involve eating an awful lot of vegetables. Maybe I'll invite ghosts for dinner parties and we can all be spooky together.

Anyway, should be quite the flurry of activity packing & making ready, could be distracting.
After quite a bit of going back & forth, T's handed in her letter of resignation. She'll be working through the middle of next month, heading out west some time in early August.

Think it'll be a growth experience for her, me too, not the one I was hoping for, but a growth experience nonetheless.

Should be strange, pretty sad about it, haven't had the heart to tell Peretz yet (no worries about him reading it here, he only looks at the pictures, mostly restricts himself to healthier web fare, interactive Flash squirrel simulations & the like).

Gotten cold outside all of a sudden.
Thought I was feeling a lot better till I tried taking the dog out, bathed in sweat again, woozy. Oh, well, things to do, things to do.

Having a pretty productive day at work anyway, just gave a reference interview for a pal over the phone, pretty weird, all grown up & stuff, yick.
Uncomfortable in my skin, also still feel like crap, going to go to work anyway, too much to do.

Think I sometimes give the impression that I like pushing people's buttons, it's really an ongoing polemic against people's idea that they have buttons, not too successful, maybe it amounts to the same thing, I don't know.

Drippy out, mold allergy adding to woes.

Oh woe, ha ha ha.

Highly critical, highly affectionate, may seem contradictory, to me it seems one without the other is nothing.

Odd duck.

Peretz says, "Where's the duck?!"

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Pale Dry Ginger Ale, universal balm, things are looking up.

Clever people, stereotyped responses, it's painful. Not that I don't do it myself, but it's just panic & I'm fully aware of how stupid it is. Hard for me to believe other people don't think the same about their own mechanical aspects, but I'm learning.

T really wanted me to put up this picture of P's 3 month old English cousin, Sam:

Maybe more pet news, less emotional torment? We report, you decide.
Unheimlichkeit, a vision of loveliness with gears underneath, broken teeth, slipping, sputtering.

I love somebody who's broken, it's difficult, but it's the direction my sympathies tend to run, that's all. Nothing I can do about it, wouldn't be like me to try.

I don't know, bereft & afraid is a pretty natural posture for me, maybe it's OK, maybe I can make something of it, I don't know.

Beautiful outside, beautiful everywhere, really, wish I was better at showing you, wish I was better at keeping it in mind.
Managed to cook & eat some vegetables & rice, seem like they're going to stay down, still feel pretty woozy, helped wth headache a bit.

All this suffering, leaving nothing in its wake but some subpar writing, it's pretty discouraging. Sometimes wonder what I might get done if I managed to stay happy for any length of time- idle speculation, a speciality.

Things have gone horribly wrong, everything feels wrong, look at it from a lot of angles, all wrong.
Put some Pale Dry Ginger Ale in the fridge to chill, maybe that'll help, often does.

Just rushed back in from downpour which as usual started at maximum distance from home, P's been wanting out an awful lot, hope he's OK, getting old, maybe. Have a bit of a chill.

Was trying to get some stuff done, didn't have much luck, fuzzy head.
Shockingly painful cramps precluding sleep, concentration. Peretz just needed out, staggered along behind him, his countenance alive with the joy of life, the perils & rewards of single fatherhood.

It's amazing how feeling victimized enables otherwise nice people to act like total assholes.

Now, I've been feeling pretty hurt, but I don't feel victimized at all. So dbr, you might ask, what's your excuse?

Come by it naturally, I guess, maybe an exaggerated sense of the value of my own thoughts? Not sure how exaggerated that is, actually, pretty sure they could be quite useful to someone if she was capable of thinking about them with some measure of sympathy, not that that's likely to happen.

Ah well, back to feeling like shit.
Started feeling weird, queasy last night, woke up very early feeling full on sick. Was going to give work a miss entirely, curiosity about backup job I just set up got the better of me, went over to check on it, grabbed credentials & instructions for something I want to do to a web server, maybe I'll actually be clear-headed enough to work on that later.

Bathed in sweat, shaking, yeech.

Going to try to sleep more.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Roasted an eggplant.

Took a sunset walk with Peretz, very muggy, he kept trying to pull out into the street, thought about stuff I'm sure you're tired of hearing about, I've been very badly hurt, but am going to be more or less OK.

Made a dip with the eggplant.
Distant thunder.

No kohlrabi this week, should write an updated version of 'No Milk Today' maybe.

Feeling a bit of a wrecked hulk, being gone over minutely, not for salvage, but by its destroyers, to confirm it will never sail again. Could be a fine ship again, with a little care... hey, what are you doing with those torches?
Big day for physical failures at work & elsewhere, cables, satellite electronics, printers; my car won't start; headache is returning.

Person I care about very deeply keeps showing signs of being kind of delusional, scares the hell out of me, hopefully I'm overestimating the severity of it.

Pot, meet kettle.

Could I have my house key back, please? It's not that you're not welcome, it's just that I value my sense of privacy, perhaps you can understand that?
Peas in a pod, can see how that could be scary if you had serious problems with yourself.

Now me, despite appearances, I don't really have much in the way of problems with myself. Uncomfortably self-conscious, sure, but don't really go in for the insecurity & self-loathing, really dislike being so nervous all the time, but I don't hate myself for it any more than I'd hate myself for having a shriveled limb. It's a lot like having a shriveled limb actually, makes things awkward, get funny looks.

Wish you weren't so down on yourself & me, we're both pretty OK, really rather surprisingly so. Curious, clever & sweet. Top quality primates, slight irregularities.
Sleep seems to have taken care of headache, still feeling a bit woozy, wonder what the problem is.

Still no sign of cockatiel.

Camera phone is being helpful in my quest to see myself as others see me, fee fi fo fum.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Just had conversation with second elderly man with cane who was walking around in my driveway looking for the cockatiel, he told me tale of baby eagle he rescued from side of interstate, nursed back to health and released. Returns every year apparently. Told me he was part Native American and that when you look into the eyes of the eagle you get long life and happiness.

First elderly man is sitting in front of his apartment building, looking bereft.

Headache is getting progressively worse, kind of blinding at this point.
Had some peppermint tea, headache continues apace, Peretz has started barking loudly & sharply for some reason, thanks, guy.

Feeling wretched. Wishing somebody would make me some soup.
Went out with P for nth time today, small crowd of people from apartment building across the street examining the trees by my yard.

Elderly man with cane approaches me.

Man (thick accent): You live here?
Me: Yes, I do.
Man: My cockatiel, my cockatiel!
Woman in electric wheelchair: His cockatiel flew away, it's been some time now.
Me: I'll keep an eye out.
Man (weeping, shaking): My cockatiel, my cockatiel!

Spent walk crying, scanning treetops.

Two sad old men.
Very persistent headache, was planning to go see some music later, don't see that happening.

Made some matzoh brei, often makes me feel better, we'll see.

Sad old man.
Funny conversation with my mom:

"What does T think of all this?"

"T thinks she's a crazy bitch I'm well shut of."


"A crazy bitch I'm well shut of."

"Well, I can see the sense in that."

Feel a bit like I'm the only person who doesn't think that's the case, including the person in question. Well, maybe not the only person.

Anyway, I don't think that at all.
Spent some time in the dark, listening to Magazine, trying to shake headache, malaise. Affectionate, confused, scared, vague sexual fantasies, math problems, snapshots that never got taken. Didn't help much with headache, giving Advil & tomato sandwiches a shot.

Tired of rich inner life.
Dire consequences setting in, feeling pretty vile. Thought shower might help, didn't really, thinking about just going back to sleep.

Don't know why Sunday in particular should present itself as such a vast sad expanse, but it sure does.

Lonely soldier.

Going to go lie down in the snow now, I think.
Got plenty of sleep, feel pretty refreshed, no doubt there will be dire consequences.

Doing laundry, responsible adult.

Mysterious behavior, block, unblock, block, unblock, block. What gives? Do you want to talk to me or something? Is it a code? Haven't been timing the intervals in that case, sorry.

The Internet wasn't widely used when I was in Junior High School, nice to get a taste of what it would've been like, I guess. Social drama.

Really, there's no call for it, you're welcome to talk to me if you like & I'm very unlikely to try to talk to you (in a push medium in any case), but whatever makes you happy, dear.

Oh, also, I'm going to be out of town the week of the 16th of July, would you like my farm share for that week?

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Pizza met expectations nicely, wondering what I'm going to do with no more problems.

Call if you need anything.
Deciding that a frozen pizza would be the solution of all my problems, headed to the grocery to acquire one. Also paid tribute to my ethnic heritage with the purchase of matzoh & Lucky Charms.

Preheating oven now, have high hopes.
P is the need-to-go-outenest dog I've ever seen today. He doesn't seem ill or anything, wondering if he's seen me answer one too many tech support questions to all comers at all hours and has finally gotten around to pegging me as an easy mark.

Head hurts, too much dog walkin', not enough sleepin'.

Squash was pretty good, but no kohlrabi.
Yeah, camera phone is a lot more fun now.

Braising some tiny summer squash from farm share for snack, wish you were here.
Guess camera phone is kind of fun now that I got around to putting my email address into phone.

Didn't realize I was so interestingly textured.
Air temperature & quality all over the map today, took P on a walk a while ago, so hot & muggy I made it brief, pleasantly cool now, should maybe take him on a longer excursion, he seems pretty sleepy, though, what to do, what to do?

Shell of my former self, yet still the same in so many ways, would be easy to fill back in, can't do it myself, unfortunately.

Weird & echoey inside. Somebody dropped a stone in a well then walked away. Empty, deep, pretty ripples dying away.
Doing sudoku, thinking about resentment, a sucker's game, a practical joke played on oneself, pointless. Easy for me to say, of course, with people's ability to hurt me and their being welcome to do so coming to the same thing pretty much, directly proportional, anyway.

Should probably be doing laundry, lazy day.
Decided trip to North Adams was probably a bit overambitious, unfair to Peretz, went & did a little work, walked to town for spicy Thai noodles.

OK, OK, so donuts don't appeal, mango with sticky rice, maybe? A hug?

Only interested in symbolic interaction, apparently, not buying the general semiosis bit, hmm.

(Smiles gently at one-way mirror)

, >hug<

(Meanwhile, behind mirror)

"Is that the perpetrator, ma'am"

"At first I wasn't sure, but that awful leer- it's unmistakable!"
Doing crosswords, watching back to back TV Diner with Billy Costa, Phantom Gourmet, as with so many things, whole was more than the sum of the parts, still pretty OK. Nice panning of Tavern on the Hill, have long resented the place as a traffic hazard. Kind of want to go to the restaurant at the hairpin turn, maybe I should, in company would be nicer.

Phantom Gourmet is a salute to lobster, poor long-suffering little guys, shoebutton eyes.
Librarians, IT, weird how many of my peers I feel closest too are one or the other, how the smart kids drop out these days, the ones who can stand school long enough to get a Master's or two are librarians, IT otherwise. Information is our playground, the smart kids stick together, in this world, not of it.

Rhetorician, sophist, all around sweet kid seeks phonologically inclined type; contempt for meaning AOK; mousy, shrewish no obstacle for trips to seashore, mystic crystal revelations.

Woke too early from dreamless sleep, flat gray sky, drizzle.

Hard to be misunderstood, sometimes hard to be understood.

Making an astonishing number of typing errors.

Aboveboard, overboard, aboveboard, overboard.

Wanna play 52 pickup?


Friday, June 08, 2007

Was just eating some fancy Irish cheese, got me thinking about soda bread, one of the first things I ever baked. Wish I were baking more, need a baking buddy, need a better kitchen.

Should make popovers soon.

Thinking about walking high above a bay in the early morning, feeling shockingly vibrant, fog melting off the headland.
Peretz's behavior on walks is becoming increasingly difficult as the weather heats up, a lot of interesting smells, I guess. Keeps trying to pull out into the street to look in the gutters, my shoulder really hurts.

Wish I could bring you a donut or something, sweetie, so badly.

Doing things for the ones you care about is never a sacrifice, always a privilege. Something I've always been very clear on, never clearer than when the privilege is taken away.
Cooled off some so I strolled into town to watch the funny monkeys for a bit, ran into a couple mildly intoxicated coworkers, regaled them with the wonders of the spam filter, talked about mixed drinks, etc. Watching people pass by in all their variety, they're mostly pretty lovely, but not for me, end up feeling like an alien being, probably because I am one.

Feel an amazing lot better than I have most of the week, thinking can be difficult, but in the long run I think it's better if it gets done, also, it's the only way I have.

Peretz is looking at me expectantly.
Happy to report that ripped out parking lot is in the process of being replaced with a shiny new parking lot, adds some tone to the neighborhood, I think.

No hope & bottomless good will, pretty much back to normal, that is, in some ways anyway.

Other ways, not so much.

Love ya.
Seems like summer, always hated summer, farm share is making me appreciate it more, as is its not being autumn. Don't get me wrong, fall's still my favorite, but I'm damned afraid of it these days. Don't like people I love being hurt & scared, wish there were something I could do about it, thought maybe there was, think I was right, actually.

I go back & forth on that, like so many things.

Just got a call from work, gotta love that AP wire.
When there're only three things that reliably make you feel any better (for those of you just tuning in, that's clever talk, sex & tranquilizers), coming to rely on a single source for all three is risky business. It's easy enough to see how that could happen, not really willing to have sex with anybody who can't do the clever talk & people who like me seem to frequently have a script for tranquilizers for whatever reason. I suppose I could get a prescription myself, but I'd really rather just get back to the sex & clever talk.

So what do you say, dear? Reconsider? We were quite the crosstalk act, you know it as well as I do, can't imagine why you'd want to give it up (well, actually I can, but I've learned my lesson & am ready to offer much more favorable terms, the whole 60/40 thing was entirely Peretz's idea, honest).
Just back from long, sweaty walk with P, slowly feeling less wound up, hope trend continues.

Need to go buy dog biscuits, going to sit quietly for a while first.

Hate feeling boxed in, being misunderstood makes me feel that way, feel that way a lot.

Often get upset by things I foresee happening, unspoken premises of things people say, seems like I'm getting upset about nothing, but I'm not. Makes me wish I saw things less clearly, could amble along in the vague, satisfied haze that seems so popular. Makes me wish people were a little more tolerant and compassionate. Makes me wish somebody thought I was worth enough to put up with my idiosyncrasies. All the while, shit's piling up in the other hand.

Should go get tasty lunch, then dog biscuits, maybe.
So much Viagra spam, gosh.

Ready for week to be over, guess it almost is.

Spam, logs, spam, logs.

Want to be out in the sunshine.
Way fewer bunnies than last year, it's making Peretz glum, by special request then, bunny from last year:

I'm sure some'll turn up soon, buddy.
Slept something like enough, still don't feel rested. Supposed to be a scorcher, fairly pleasant out now, distant beeping of construction equipment.

Feeling a bit scrambled, lots of pieces out of place.

Could use a long rest, perhaps at a facility.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Something I wrote just slightly over a year ago:

"Just so you know, my dear ones, if you can't deal with things and are about to self-destruct, I would really be happy to do anything at all to make your life easier, up to and including providing shelter and fixing you English breakfasts, even though it would probably piss Tanya off. If there's anything you'd like me to do that you think is more onerous than fixing English breakfasts, you're almost certainly mistaken."

Meant it then, mean it now, OK?
Went to see music for a while. Show was in very damp, low-ceilinged basement, sat in a tiny chair, perhaps made for the use of schools, feeling even more of a sad, tired giant than usual.

Wandered around outside, got a mango beverage, sang snips of some Moon Mullican songs to a friend, talked to Matt Mondanali about his semester in Berlin, he had some good bad roommate stories, Ethiopian who left bowls of food everywhere & locked him out at night, refrigerator full of dirt, another apartment with loud S&M in the next room to all hours, travel broadens the mind. Talked to Fernando about maybe playing some music together some time.

Got too tired to be out anymore, drove home listening to a tape Matt gave me, pretty relaxing, somehow didn't drift off the road.

Think I've gotten tired enough that days-long panic attack is a little less obtrusive, maybe I'll actually get some sleep.
So tired I'm hearing things, tiny elfin princesses beckoning me to their faerie land, etc. On my way, my dears. Got an email about some music going on in a bit, may go despite risk of car accident, discomfort, live dangerously & all that. Maybe not, I don't know, not thinking too clearly. Certainly might be preferable to be sitting around at home exhausted but unable to sleep car accident or no.

Playful pussycat.

Thinking about Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Shy odalisque:

We're a lot alike.
'Missing Ferret' signs have been joined by 'Missing Cat' ones, missing from the same place, oddly enough, kind of hoping they've gone off to set up house together somewhere they won't be disturbed. Cat does have microchip apparently, that's a comfort, don't know what I'd do without mine.

Back at work, soul, or the semblance of one, keeps wandering away from body, riding the hum of the fans. Indiolectic mantras running in my head, enigmatically metaphorical circuit diagrams, I'm a mysterious creature, strangely intriguing.

Was planning on spending the afternoon installing, configuring, testing, too damn tired, will have to wait till next week, I think, not quite sure what to do with myself, don't want to break anything. Momma said there'd be days like this.

Really delightful outside anyway, wanna go lie in a field somewhere and look at the sky, maybe think of England?
Just ran over to Hadley on an errand of work, idly daydreaming of stepping out for nice Chinese with special someone (doubly idle as, even were I not the symbolic equivalent of Yersinia pestis, I believe she's off at a workshop or something today, professional development's better than none at all, I suppose). Drove right past my destination in my reverie, not fit to drive today.

Decided to avoid a second trip through the mess by the bridge and drove back via Sunderland, took the opportunity to gas up like a good Chavista. Trying to get myself back on a war footing, Kulturkampf, muchas luchas, ahimsa may be the highest path, not mine.

Dial 1-800-BUGBEAR for prompt, friendly service, RLETAAS means real love equals terrible anguish and suffering.
Got some brief, badly disrupted sleep anyway.

To have one's self-awareness broken by one's experience, so awful it's hard to think about, but I'm trying. The unthinkable, I've spent a lot of time lingering places where concepts or imagination fail, but to have things that are just too painful or upsetting to be able to process successfully- frankly, the idea scares the shit out of me. Doesn't stop me thinking about it.

Wish you could see yourself as I see you, you're lovely. Mousy is the new foxy.
Saw somebody I loved stuck, very unhappy about it, tried to help her get unstuck, get moving ahead with things, all of a sudden everything's moving far too quickly and smash! She's back stuck, maybe worse than before, I'm staggering about, disoriented, bleeding internally, etc. Sucks.

Such a beautiful intelligence so badly hemmed in by itself, it hurts me to think about it. It's what I'm most upset about, it's why I had to try to do something when the situation was presented to me in the first place, it's just eating me up inside. I really love her an awful lot & I'm just terribly afraid for her.

Anyway, I'm plenty hurt, but I'm not any kind of stuck.

Still can't sleep though.
Still can't sleep, have kind of given up for the moment, awfully tired, just noticed some misspellings & odd choices of phrase in earlier posts & fixed them, need more sleep, anybody want to help?

T's up too, being very Russian & dramatic on telephone.

Keep noticing with astonishment how fucked up I am, kind of amusing, actually, stuttering wind-up toy, broken record.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Want to be asleep, can't manage it, freaked out, stitch in side, thinking about cowardice. Find everything too frightening for it to make much sense for me to go in for it much myself, find it confusing & sad in others. Can sort of understand, even sympathize, in a lot of cases, anyway, but in aggregate, it's turning the world to shit.
Pepped up by some vodka & a raw radish, set out on longish starlight promenade with Peretz, discussed weighty matters of import, interesting article on merger of library and IT staff. Sounds good to me, would be more than happy to help with implementation.
Pizza & spicy field greens left me feeling a bit better, wish it would last.

Peretz was trying very hard to drag himself under grading machinery flattening the former parking lot, in protest, he says.

Dead skunk is slowly being dragged down the street toward the paper by repeated impacts, poor baby.

No punishment too harsh apparently, wish I had a better sense of what I did exactly. Cruel mistress, God, how ridiculous.

Feeling such kinship with a person with such severe problems with me, it's really tearing me apart, can't see it getting better. Probably better not to think about it, not something I'm very good at.

Can't stop shaking.
Chatting with T, horrible knot in stomach, feel like screaming, don't think server room is adequately soundproofed.

Really, ball of nerves, it's getting pretty old.

Kind of gray & cold out, nice change.
Earth-centered Jew enjoying hearty lunch of Peanut Butter Crunch, think too much, maybe overcompensating for lack of a soul.

Lovely cool day, looking forward to longish walk with P, maybe it'll clear my head a bit, be rid of some of these nasty body Thetans.
Got server up & running I'd been wanting to get up & running, drinking some coffee, trying to feel less like the walls are closing in, should probably go for a walk or something. Keep feeling like there's somebody behind me, basket case, unlovable.

Being crazy like this actually makes me better at my job I think, better at some other things too, but really hard to deal with in some ways, sorry. The last thing I want is to be hard to deal with, can't have everything.
Thinking about ridiculous translations of Sade, "Ah, my dear friend, I discharge!"

Hover around the end of the 18th C. quite a bit, there, WW I, 1968, etc. Spent some time tarrying with a sensibility far more Victorian than my own, sweetness & light (such a weirdly misunderstood phrase), 'prudish'. No age more prudish than our own.

Vulgar country squire on a promenade with his hunting dog, Coasters songs running through my head, each, in turn, an emblem of things in their totality. Run, Red, run.

Alvin Toffler, Orson Welles, good grief.
Dreamt that I woke in the the very early morning, barely light. Stepped outside, there was a crafts fair underway under a large tent in the field across the street that no longer exists, listing elderly moving slowly among quilts, went to get camera, decided to take picture of dead baby Stinkier as well, live Stinktier was standing over the dead one with what looked like a tiny palm leaf in his mouth, camera noise shocked us both, ended up with head shot of live skunk, aroused.

Woken from this by Peretz barking loudly from underneath my bed.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

OK, anxiety episode for the past 24 hours, no sign of letting up, had vodka & tonic, cheesecake, both very pleasant, didn't really help, as things that would help that don't involve severe pain are unavailable, just going to have to put up with it.

Responsible adult. Maybe more vodka?

Chattering on makes me feel a little better, but if I were you, I'd ignore it.
Tech support issue at work got me prepublication access to this year's guide to local farm products, strangely I'd been wanting to look at it last week, hurrah.

Back to feeling sleepy, but less sick. Veins all full of vitamins & minerals & such, no doubt.
Eating stirfry of kohlrabi, broccoli rabe, large quantities of ginger & garlic, chili paste. Feeling a bit more awake, thanks, farm share!

Really, though, the dead baby skunk is awful sad.
Had to drag Peretz away from tragic remains in street, he wanted to try to resuscitate her, apparently. He's pacing back & forth now, insisting he could've saved her if given the chance, join the club, buddy.

Houseguest is turning out to be a bit demanding, using up a lot of refrigerator space, etc., so I'm going to skin, cook & eat it now.

Been catching some flak over my heavy use of direct address, here's the thing, you're fictive, a figment, a device. That's not how it is necessarily, but I'm pretty sure that's how things actually are. Don't feel too bad about it, so am I.
Baby Stinkier run down in the street in front of my house, I'll keep quiet about pistachio cake from now on.

Certainly didn't need to be any sadder, but I am.
Day's actually turning out not too bad, sleepy as hell, but doing stuff like socializing with vendor representative, doing annual review, might as well be sleepy.

Still shaking, not noticeable, very small shakes, feeling very small generally.

OK, going to read some logs while thinking of you.
Hi, not feeling too good, want to be in bed, got stuff to do.

OK, going to go do stuff.

Le meow.
Sort of slept, still shaking. Going to be a difficult day.

Totally worth it.
Can't sleep, violent panic apropos nothing, shaking, sweating, tightness in chest, racing heart. Wish somebody were here to tell me everything's OK, I'd tell myself, but don't think I could make it sound convincing.

Watched drunken neighbors nearly back car into mine, want different neighbors.

Thoughts going nowhere fast, very fast.


Monday, June 04, 2007

Forgot to mention that I got some moisturizing shower gel, dry skin, watch out!

Reliable to the point of being ridiculous, it's a mildly amusing hobby.

Only mildly, mostly things are a bore. Says more about me than the things, of course, I'm sure in themselves the things are quite something.
Went & got a few things from the grocery appropriate for preparation with items from farm share.

One nice thing about having pretty minimal interest in survival is that there's little reason to be frugal, so, tasty food.

Food, music, puzzles, not really enjoying much else lately, better than nothing.
New houseguest!

Salad was delightful, healthy body, healthy mind.
The other thing that's left me feeling addled is having gone through approximately 9000 pieces of spam first thing this morning, price of taking a little time off, I guess. They weren't even particularly amusing.

Bit of a deluge outside, wanting to get home & remove wet shoes very badly.

Had a lovely artist's impression of one on my bebo whiteboard at one point, but it appears to have gone the way of all flesh.

Anyway, so, yes, tasty local vegetables, not that many yet, still pretty nice. Looking forward to nice salad once I get home.

Bit of an agitated day at work, crawling through command reference, etc. Left feeling jumpy, not that unusual.
Nearly dropped a very heavy server on myself due to sliding shelf, pretty frightening, woke me up anyway. What happened to all this miniaturization I've heard tell of?

Anyway, so actual stuff to do is finally turning up, still waiting on more things than I'd like, case of the fidgets.
Traces of Stinktier hang lightly in the rain-soaked air outside my door, caught wind of pistachio cake, perhaps.

Artful phrasing, such rubbish.

Experience of being a happy organism has left quite an impression, would like to get back to being a happy organism.
Just did some half-awake hunting of giant moth which managed to slip in through the perimeter defenses with Peretz, he's singing songs of the moth's size & prowess now, he's a good dog, very respectful.

Becoming increasingly clear that Rao's coffee badly kicks the asses of the more proximally available coffees I've been drinking lately, need to figure out how to keep it in stock. Subtle liquor & all that.

It's pouring.

Farm share starts today, huzzah.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Still a bit drunk, sad as hell, bereft. Should have gone to bed hours ago.

Things aren't right, not just with me.

Don't know what to do about it.

Be sad, I guess.
Have had rather a lot to drink. Why not punch the funny monkey?

Reusing content, sad, isn't it?
My mom just called to tell me that her friend that I was helping her email photos to the other day died.

We talked a little bit about visiting her in Buffalo when I was a kid, I remember going to some sort of outdoor festival with face painting, getting beef on weck.

So damn sad all the time, contemptible, I know.
Watched silly pomo art film, having some half grapefruit/half lemon soda with vodka, wondering if problem employee ever got what was coming to him. Poor bastard.

Tempting to drink more, then go wander around in the grayness, maybe disappear into it altogether. Gray hoodie, gray mien.

All sorts of bright colors inside, visions of loveliness.

Haunted, sort of comical.
Had some fancy cheese.

Mist is pouring off the range, everything's cool & gray.

Terrors creeping around, just out of sight.

Should probably have a drink.
Decided to go on rainy day luxury food expedition to W. Springfield. Went & checked out the horribly relocated Table & Vine (tempting to write that with stress marks), restocked on cheap wine, fancy cheese, olive oil, Tanzanian coffee. Braved crossing Witch Path en route to Rein's for bagels & c. Sorely tempted to get pistachio cake for estranged pals, better judgement got ahold of better nature & beat it into submission, not all that interested in frightening, offending; getting yelled at, maybe stabbed.

Got one anyway, for myself, I suppose, though if you'd like it, it's yours, as am I & all I possess, for that matter. Feel free to let yourself in & help yourself to any of that.

Ah, pistachio cake, 3D molecular visualizations, challenge, emotional fulfillment, no doubt well shut of such tawdry baubles.
Wo aber Gefahr ist, wächst
Das Rettende auch.

Like so much of Hölderlin, sort of portentous crap, sort of true.

Had a walk into town, damp from a brief, light rain, floral air, yellow pollen swirling at the margins of puddles.

Some bridges won't be burnt, no harm in trying, I guess.
While having more than one person love you with great devotion & sincerity must be a bit confusing & painful, it also makes the world a safer place in some very real ways. Feeling safe is good, being safe is better. Both would be best, can't have everything.

Coffee & crosswords, fretful musing. Don't think I'm going to make it out of town today. Distant thunder.
Having what are, for the most part, extremely gentle & benevolent feelings coupled with a highly abrupt & violent mind can be very frustrating, not just for me. See things from a lot of angles, sometimes in sequence, sometimes all at once, mostly somewhat harsh & exaggerated, all together get a pretty true picture of how things are, I think. Hard to understand & tolerate, not like me to ask hard things of people, people ask hard things of me, mostly. I can do difficult things, strong & capable, once I manage to get out of bed in the morning, anyway.

Looks like rain, Peretz found & ate a small dead bird.
Woke from strange dreams with a crick in my neck & a headache.

I was asleep in the back of a car, Country Squire, Scion, alternately, I was very small, maybe 6, kept getting jolted awake with a flash, had a slightly wet faux Indian blanket that I would pull up around me, couldn't get warm or comfortable.

At the seashore, paterfamilias, nasty sunburn, smell of cooking oil, corn dogs? A child missing. "Rip tide, neap tide" repeating in my head, couldn't remember which was which. Long conversation with seagull.

There were more, but they're vaguer, coffee's helping with the headache.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Self-parody & self are apt to get a bit confused where I'm concerned, all spirals & curlicues, it's a wonder I don't dissolve into air, maybe I have.

Highly mannered, always longing to have done, say things as plainly as I can. Feeble, I know.

I've nowhere to lay my head.
Humidity left me feeling sufficiently foul to warrant second shower of the day, if this keeps up, skin dryness may become an issue, I'll keep you posted.

Big day for telling people about how various pieces of software I don't use myself work. Information professional!

Dog keeps wanting out, will end up feeling foul again, le sigh.

Violent lightning flash out the window, perhaps a cool, dry air mass approacheth?
Just spent a long time talking to my mom on the phone about stuff, nice to talk to my mom.

Among other things walked her through using PhotoBooth & emailing the resulting photos, documented below.

She's sad that when they're here we won't be going out for tapas with the gang like last summer, me too.
Went to Atkins, excellent deal on bing cherries, $1.99/lb, also got some more World Renowned Hadley Grass, sundries. Road by Coolidge Bridge is still pretty fucked up, decided to go back via Holyoke, should've just risked my suspension. Being there made me feel a little weird & ripped up, which wouldn't've been such a big deal if I hadn't driven past a smashed Stinktier on 5.

Bit of a mess.
Whee, all done with endlessly postponed website updates, I've turned into such a fuckup, drag city.

Now what?
Second time today I've spilled coffee all over myself, really need to get more sleep, that geisha suggestion's looking better all the time.

Happy my pal Yates seems to be making sculptures again, I've been being pretty slow about getting them up on the web, feel bad about that, luckily I think he's somebody who can understand situational depression. Anyway, check it out, new stuff's at the top.

Guess some pals of mine are headed to Storm King Art Center tomorrow, halfway tempted to go myself and make my weekend of steel sculpture complete, can't ride with them as they're coming from NYC, anybody up for a day trip?

Went & checked out the Farmers' Mkt, some actual produce is showing up, decided to just wait for farm share on Monday.
'Coney Island Steeplechase' stuck in my head, haven't been to Coney Island in a dog's age. Would be nice to go to the aquarium, visit the walruses, maybe play some Skee Ball. Also there's a place just down the road in Brighton Beach that makes cherry cheese knishes I really like. Maybe I'll actually go sometime.

Had scary dreams, please don't die.

Going to take a long walk with P before it gets too hot, not sure what else is on for today, never did get to that web site maintenance, maybe that. Wish I had somebody to go to dim sum with, maybe next time.

Friday, June 01, 2007

There's been a lot of heavy equipment ripping stuff up in my neighborhood lately, about a month or so ago the machines seem to have developed a taste for parking lots. I just took a walk & documented some of this, so, if you're bored, why not take a tour of scenic Northampton.

After doing this, I walked around some more with Peretz, a couple of my neighbors were in their back yard shooting at what I'm pretty sure was a computer printout of a line drawing of Osama bin Laden with an air pistol.
Don't let my enthusiasm for Athol make you think I'm no longer on board for the whole 'Morning Woods Hole' radio show business- if, on reconsideration, you decide you're up for that, give me a call. Look out, NECN!

Really, juvenile humor is the best sort. Give Helen Keller's dog a kiss for me.
Just back from merry walk with Peretz on which we went over all possible tones of voice & stress patterns with which one could say, "It's B-you-tynski!" Poor guy.

On a related note, read this the other day, while mildly amusing, I think the whole lithp athpect makes Athol a lot funnier.

Should probably just move up there, actually, can't help but feel that it would make every day a joy, maybe start up the Athol Daily Dithpatth, maybe P could run the Mohawk Trail Pet Intelligencer out of the same office.
'Athol eliminates South Hadley,' by Jason Butynski, no less, can't stop laughing about it, I'm an idiot.
Painstakingly constructing networks of indirection to simulate an actual interest in life is a slow business, getting on with it, my old ones, already somewhat neglected due to short-lived actual interest in life, got all smashed up along with other parts of me a while back, handyman special, as is/where is.

Ai, ai ai ai.

Walking around with 'My Pretty Snow Deer' stuck in my head. Let me carry you from here, my sweet snow deer.
Walking through Smith dumping area with Peretz, thinking about Stalker, should watch that again soon.

Thinking about laboratories, little sections of the world simplified to the point of comprehensibility, every machine a laboratory.

Thinking about Faulkner's technological comedies, drop in a device, car, metal detector, vaguely tragic hilarity ensues.

Every day the monkeys get new toys.