Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Pretty unbearable outside, feeling damp, the kind of night Peretz enjoys standing rooted to one spot staring at the ground, a lot to see apparently.

Long hallucinatory reel, not sure how I've been getting anything done, seem to have been getting some things done, can't remember much.

Lucky I wrote it all down, I guess.

Tender stirrings, door slammed on hand, more tender stirrings.

Have a drink, get a little maudlin, go try to sleep. Makings of a plan.
Stuffed peppers, peach cake, fruity drink, all very tasty.

No sentimentalism. Genuine, strong feelings. It's strange, not the lack of sentimentalism, that's normal. Spent a pretty long time feeling dedicated but flat, stopped feeling flat a couple of years ago now, I've been pretty weird since. Sorry, everybody, should probably steer clear of the daylight world, think I'm stuck with it.

Would have been nice if I could have gotten used to this whole new thing without alienating several people I care about in the process, oh well, I'm a fuckup.

Nice, crazy, nice, crazy.
Knew there was a reason beyond pure Maoist extremism that I disliked going to Stop 'n' Shop, have a Counting Crows song stuck in my head. Making stuffed peppers. Go go, local produce.

Can come off as kind of an arrogant, hostile bastard when I'm not acting like a total wreck, sometimes even when I am. Not an entirely inaccurate impression, not going to worry too much about it.

Can't really remember most of what I did at work today, seemed like I was busy.
Came home for lunch early so I could make a house call in a timely fashion, was making myself a quesadilla, got call from work indicating that T1 was down, went back to work, talked to ISP, T1 came back up, made arrangements to be a little late for house call, came home again & walked Peretz, sweaty as hell.

Was faced with a problem of how best to go about trusting somebody I trust very much a while back, whether to believe the things she was saying or believe the things that made me trust her so much to begin with. Made me a bit of a confused mess, I'm afraid, pretty sure now I should've just gone with the second option, am trying to continue going with that now. It's kind of hard.

Was bored earlier, reading over this thing, I know it pretty much reads like one endless plaint, but it isn't really, I've been feeling a lot of unpleasant ways and have been trying to describe them accurately, but no complaints at all, feeling very fortunate actually.

OK, house call.
Diuresis, diæresis, dilemma, digraph.

Diarrhea of the mouth.
Reinscription, palimpsest, images have a history, like the rest of us.

Structure, diagram, skeleton, cell. Caged Heat.

Repetition, repetition. Representation, reanimation.

"It was a repulsive task that we undertook in the black small hours, even though we lacked at that time the special horror of graveyards which later experiences brought to us...It had been a sturdy and apparently unimaginative youth of wholesome plebeian type -- large-framed, grey-eyed, and brown-haired -- a sound animal without psychological subtleties, and probably having vital processes of the simplest and healthiest sort...It had ended horribly -- in a delirium of fear which we gradually came to attribute to our own overwrought nerves -- and West had never afterward been able to shake off a maddening sensation of being haunted and hunted. The body had not been quite fresh enough; it is obvious that to restore normal mental attributes a body must be very fresh indeed; and the burning of the old house had prevented us from burying the thing. It would have been better if we could have known it was underground."

Fugu fish, absinthe, Mnemosyne.

"And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star from heaven, burning as if it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters; and the name of the star is called Wormwood: and the third part of the waters became wormwood; and many men died of the waters, because they were made bitter."

Mother of the Muses, child of Gaia & Uranus, isn't it necromantic?
Thinking about A Midsummer Night's Dream, should perhaps reread it. Oberon, outermost of the large satellites of Uranus.

Uranus is distinguished by the fact that it is tipped on its side.

Had some dreams involving fairies, frigid gas, being tipped on one's side, oddly enough. Fairies in icy mist, paralysis, skewed view of the forest floor, pointy sticks.

Take it as a good sign that I'm getting poked with sticks in dreams again, my dreams have been disturbingly nonphysical, at least as far as I'm concerned, for quite some time, disembodied eye. Good at that, but prefer being embodied, even if it means getting poked with sharp sticks by malevolent fairies.

Little girl lost in the woods, some confusion about who's playing the wolf.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Another balmy night, more heat lightning.

Strange, rambling walk with Peretz, behind the paper, past the big, blocky two-family with the tiny fenced yard I'm coveting, head full of consulting gigs, soda shops, local produce. May take a while given the state I'm in, but I've got some lovely things in mind, maybe somebody tolerable will even want to come along for the ride, would be welcome certainly, should be interesting either way, weird & damn clever.

Peretz is having a biscuit. Feeling sad that he'll likely be gone before I get to the neat stuff, sorry I move so slowly, pal, have a lot on my mind.
Extremely available & caring, extremely dark & harsh- all part of the same thing, the 'extremely' part is the real problem, not much to be done about it, certainly don't seem to be mellowing with age. Just plain high-strung, can't do much about it, they run screaming, can't say I blame them even if I think it's a mistake.

I do think it's generally a mistake. Probably worth putting up with, for some people anyway, the ones who run screaming, mostly.

Somehow managed to walk the dog, don't think much else is going to be accomplished this evening. Should maybe fix myself a drink, be happy to make you one too.

Anyway, here's to ya.
Came home, very tired, started making frittata with summer squash, tomato & a jalapeño, shouldn't've, about halfway through making it got extremely upset, was mean to T, once it was done had to take a walk around the block then hide in the dark briefly. In any case, it's quite tasty.

Been left more fragile than I once was, probably good I'll soon be living alone.

Doesn't really do for me to allow myself to get tired, I start cracking up. No real way around it, never been any good at sleeping, it's worse now than it's been for several years, going to be very tired a lot if I make any sort of effort to maintain a normal schedule, for whatever reason I feel compelled to do that rather than melt into a puddle of irresponsibility. Stupid of me, probably.

Need to walk Peretz, hard to get up.
Feeling so tired & crappy I've been reduced to getting a ginger ale from the machine in the break room. Used to love getting soda at work back when we had a machine that dispensed it into a cup with crushed ice. There was an informal employee poll which favored plastic bottles, now we get plastic bottles, hate them, hate that my hand barely fits into the dispenser slot, miss the crushed ice, the sounds of the old machine.

Spent some time thinking about opening a Skee Ball establishment, suppose it would be best if other things were offered as well, Whac-A-Mole? Soft serve? Soda shop?

Soda shop, soda shop.
Home for lunch, eating pie & cheese, Peretz loves me more than usual.

House is in chaos, lots of things in piles including little bits of myself, should probably swept under rug or tossed altogether.

Tomatoes have arrived at farmshare, little ones for now, pretty excited.

Feeling very wound up, ready to spring, boing!

Pogo, spin, do it again.

Should write more dance craze songs.
At work, catching up on weekend accumulation of crap, feeling sick to my stomach.

Some things are too awful to think about, so I get stuck thinking about them. Typical.

Need to go run an errand in a little while, nice day to be driving around.
Bit of a rough night, having a hard time waking up. Feeling a bit stupid.

Peretz is giving me funny looks, sighing. Yes, it does get old, pal, I'm sorry.

Hurt animal, other things also, war machine, whistler by graveyards, old reliable, vibrating point.

Caffeine addict. Getting my fix.

So far it's been the longest year ever, bit of a blur, thankfully. Kind of wishing I hadn't documented it so heavily.
Just spent a while lying down, trying to fall asleep, shaking & crying instead, maybe an hour and a half, seemed longer.

Got up, went outside to smoke a cigarette, watched Moon come out from behind clouds, disappear again. Sat on the front step singing 'Shine On, Harvest Moon' for a bit, then came inside again.

Neighbors in front are being very noisy.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

For a very long time, my entire adult life basically, I've had very little in the way of purpose beyond the uses to which certain others choose to put me. I guess I'd always found the world pretty difficult & discouraging, then some things happened that made me feel that way a lot more strongly and what I managed to work out for myself was that there were some people I really cared about & I should stick around & try to do what they want.

It's hard for me to understand how one of those people, knowing that, could make use of me in the way she has. Understand an awful lot of things with terrible clarity, having a hard time understanding that, no complaints about it really, just don't understand it.

Anyway, it's making me feel pretty sad right now. That appears to be one of the things expected of me, actually. Very reliable.

Realized that between cake baking, aimless wandering, sad musing, showering, etc. I had neglected to eat any dinner. Fixed a frozen pizza, supplemented that with nutritious field greens. Healthy body, healthy mind. All fit & ready for something or other, pity.

Going to be a sad August. Never much cared for the month anyway.
This business of needing to take two showers a day to feel half human grows tiresome. Don't want to go all Vulcan just yet, though, so guess I need to put up with it for now. Later, we'll see.

T got home, had some cake, cake is tasty, we like cake.

So tired.
Just went for a pointless afternoon drive, unusual in these days of high gas prices, car unreliability & depressive homebodyism. Was kind of nice, listened to classic rock radio, looked at houses, got angry at being stuck behind slow drivers each with the inevitable 'Support Our Troops' ribbon magnet. Stopped in Easthampton & strolled around aimlessly under forbidding skies, thought about getting an ice cream, didn't.

Should probably go out with Peretz for a while before it starts to rain again.

Loving somebody who's gone away never to return, it's very painful, but it feels correct, about the only thing that does.
Peach cake process documentation.

Made a double recipe, force of habit (phrase I can't use without thinking of its use as a punchline to a really terrible joke), anybody wants any, etc., etc. Getting rid of it probably won't be an issue actually as T's very fond of it, but I do enjoy sharing, so feel free.
Big afternoon for forgetfulness & error, walked to town oblivious to the ongoing sidewalk sale, terrifying, ran into Bill Nace while getting burrito, he reminded me of music fest going on in Brattleboro today, tried to go to Serio's for eggs & butter thinking they closed at 2 on Sundays, close at 1, turns out. Got my eggs & butter from State St. Fruit Store instead, local eggs, hurrah.

Needed eggs & butter as I decided to make Russian fruit cake which I used to make frequently but had lost the recipe for years back. Found the cookbook while sorting videos yesterday, seemed a good use of some of the nice tart local peaches I bought.

The recipe is as follows:

"Fruit Cake (Belsky)

Almost any fruit can be used for this cake.

1 1/2 sticks butter
1 cup sugar
3 eggs
1 1/4 cups flour
3 large apples, pears or peaches, peeled, cored or pitted and coarsely chopped, or 6 plums, pitted & chopped

Cream butter & sugar. Add eggs one by one & continue to beat. Blend in flour & when dough is smooth work in fruit. Bake in a greased and floured 8 x 8 x 2 inch pan for 45 minutes in a 350 degree oven."

Never been quite sure if the omission of salt is intentional but it makes for an interestingly pronounced buttery, eggy quality which I find goes nicely with the floral notes of peaches or pears.

Waiting for the butter & eggs to come to room temperature.

Strange having so many of the things I love most tinged by dreadful loneliness & melancholy- baking, Skee Ball, the seaside, information retrieval, etc., etc. Doesn't stop me loving them, pressing on, weaker & worse, empty & hurt, pressing on.
Since its unexpected return my Joy Division Substance cd seems to have become my official dish washing music, generally finish filling drying rack just after 'She's Lost Control' comes on, funny.

Thinking about walking into town once my laundry's dry, maybe treating myself to some unwonted luxuries, burrito, maybe.

Was just told at length by parents about Persian buffet restaurant in Nashville they went to with my brother owned by the owner of the Fat Mo's chain of hamburger stands, sounds pretty impressive, interested to check it out, no idea when I'll be there next.

Hard to get used to pile of stuff missing from corner, in for a lot of that, I guess.
Never responded well to being lied to or ordered about. As these are the warp & weave of the great habit-powered loom of our society, I've found living in it pretty difficult. Tell me how things really are, ask for help, I'm great, terribly useful; try telling me what to do, justify it with lies, well, I can be a bit of a hard case.

Imagine a situation with two habitual liars, one always lying about his feelings out of embarrassment or a misguided sense of personal advantage, the other lying to herself because the truth is too painful to think about, recipe for quite a cozy little house of cards. Put me in the mix, things could go a lot of different ways, mostly disastrous.

11:11, make a wish.
Sunday morning laundry, feeling kind of lousy, strangely vital.

Thinking about domestic arrangements. Putting on socks.

Funny how people's assessments of themselves always seem too harsh & too lax, usually both at once. I'm no exception.

Counting myself lucky.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Sipping brandy, trying to relax into this sadness, best I can do.

Watching The Godfather of all things, should probably be doing something else.

So much else I should be doing.

Nothing feels right.
Helped T sort & clean for a while, then she went off to visit her brother & sister-in-law with her parents. Read The Worm Ouroboros some, then put on Joy Division & started doing dishes, did that until the drying rack was full, now lying on couch crying.

Confused & hurt, no getting around it. Also worried sick. Seem to have gotten to a point where these things are more or less manageable, certainly a lot more functional than I was a couple of months ago. Don't expect these things to get any better than this really, anyway, as I say, it's manageable. Suppose I might stop being worried, but the most likely cause of that isn't really something I want to dwell on.

A lot of housework ahead, helping T get ready to move, rearranging & tidying once she's gone. Weird to think about the place having little enough stuff in it that most might get put tidily away, we both have an awful lot of stuff. Anyway, I imagine once that's all done, the equinox will be right around the corner, probably best to keep busy till then as it scares the shit out of me.

Writing, cleaning, working, repeat until September 23rd. That's the plan pretty much. No plan after that, up for whatever.
Eating some fancy Fontina I bought yesterday, been on a bit of cheese kick since picking out a bunch of cheese with my mom to take to Maine, cabin in the woods with fancy cheese, very luxurious.

T's been going through our videos, deciding which are hers and which of those she's taking with her & which she's leaving with her parents. Funny to watch the house slowly begin to empty out, a little like having a kid go away to college, I imagine. Was feeling quite sad about her leaving, now I think she's feeling sad enough for both of us, just wishing her well, seems like all I can do for anybody these days.

Wish I were taking somebody out to dinner, anybody want to get taken out to dinner?
Couldn't get my mind off work, so went in & did some. After that, got a hankering for pie. Drove to Bashista, past attractive 3 family for sale on Pleasant Street in Easthampton. "First of season- peaches, apricots," got some peaches, not quite ripe, fresh out of apricots (pity, I do love them so), hot peach pie, blackberries, cider. Having pie with T, wishing I could share it out to lost comrades as well. Wartime, after all, what did I expect, a free happy ending?

Was wondering while driving why the people I love most so often seem so terrified and in so much pain. Hard world to be perceptive, empathetic & thoughtful in, I suppose.

Eating blackberries.
Soaked through from walk with Peretz, trying to read The Worm Ouroboros, mind keeps wandering to server migrations, realize I don't remember the last page I read, will get back to that later. Information professional, penetration testing specialist.

Sysadmin Appreciation Day came & went without any particular appreciation, no surprise there.

Maybe I should shave.
Got up to find it was pouring, kind of a nice surprise, went & stood out in it for a while, got a bit of a chill.

Guess driving to the Cape is out, maybe some scrapbooking?

Put some coffee on.

Have spent so long now feeling terrified that I barely notice it most of the time. It's still there.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Lovely night, interplay between near full moon & cloud, backlit brown-orange wisp, smoke from a bombed-out town, grotesque candelabra, etc.

Too darn humid, though, left feeling foul. Showered, slipped into pjs, settling into a symphony of scifi TV, Moravagine and the thousand sad love songs in my head.

Have come back to myself enough to start making elaborate & implausible long-term plans, they all have one thing in common, allowing me to drink coffee at night when I feel like it without worrying if I'll be able to sleep. Love to drink coffee at night.
A title, often thought specially significant, just another juncture, one act among many. Things can be rearranged pretty freely and come to pretty much the same.

Possessed of or by or with a devoted and fervent love, nothing sensible to do with it. It's been bothering me, but honestly, I've never been that sensible.

Strange, sad, feral creature; surprisingly refined judgement & taste; a bit vicious and prone to sudden movement. Beware, beware. You & me both.

Wish you could see yourself as I do, then you'd be safe & well along with all the other lovely things you are. Not a good enough writer to get that across successfully, please try to be safe & well in any case.
High vegetable content pasta sauce simmering, listening to Joy Division.

T's finally gotten started packing, level of household chaos should stay elevated for a while, fine by me.

Was in an amusing ecstatic state for much of the day, good to figure stuff out & get on with things.

'She's Lost Control', so funny it's painful.
Forgot to mention that my mom got her new glasses.

Kind of a relief to no longer be the only four-eyed square in the immediate family, it's a lot of pressure, you wouldn't understand.

Thinking about the Icarus Complex. Enuresis is such a great word.
Thinking about ekphrasis, mixed modes, relays.

Early last week I was on a mountaintop, thinking about missing bird, airplanes, the Aeneid. Think I might have mentioned vaguely in passing my taking a cell phone photo of the islands below & trying to send it via sms along with those thoughts, was prevented by outdated cell network, probably for the best, reduced to lame textual expressions of concern days later, probably for the best.

Thro' Trivia's grove they walk; and now behold,
And enter now, the temple roof'd with gold.
When Daedalus, to fly the Cretan shore,
His heavy limbs on jointed pinions bore,
(The first who sail'd in air,) 't is sung by Fame,
To the Cumaean coast at length he came,
And here alighting, built this costly frame.
Inscrib'd to Phoebus, here he hung on high
The steerage of his wings, that cut the sky:
Then o'er the lofty gate his art emboss'd
Androgeos' death, and off'rings to his ghost;
Sev'n youths from Athens yearly sent, to meet
The fate appointed by revengeful Crete.
And next to those the dreadful urn was plac'd,
In which the destin'd names by lots were cast:
The mournful parents stand around in tears,
And rising Crete against their shore appears.
There too, in living sculpture, might be seen
The mad affection of the Cretan queen;
Then how she cheats her bellowing lover's eye;
The rushing leap, the doubtful progeny,
The lower part a beast, a man above,
The monument of their polluted love.
Not far from thence he grav'd the wondrous maze,
A thousand doors, a thousand winding ways:
Here dwells the monster, hid from human view,
Not to be found, but by the faithful clew;
Till the kind artist, mov'd with pious grief,
Lent to the loving maid this last relief,
And all those erring paths describ'd so well
That Theseus conquer'd and the monster fell.
Here hapless Icarus had found his part,
Had not the father's grief restrain'd his art.
He twice assay'd to cast his son in gold;
Twice from his hands he dropp'd the forming mold.
All this with wond'ring eyes Aeneas view'd;
Each varying object his delight renew'd:
Eager to read the rest- Achates came,
And by his side the mad divining dame,
The priestess of the god, Deiphobe her name.
"Time suffers not," she said, "to feed your eyes
With empty pleasures; haste the sacrifice.
Sev'n bullocks, yet unyok'd, for Phoebus choose,
And for Diana sev'n unspotted ewes."
This said, the servants urge the sacred rites,
While to the temple she the prince invites.
A spacious cave, within its farmost part,
Was hew'd and fashion'd by laborious art
Thro' the hill's hollow sides: before the place,
A hundred doors a hundred entries grace;
As many voices issue, and the sound
Of Sybil's words as many times rebound.

Thinking about the invisible, bomb-proof replica of the Temple of Diana at Ephesus with an ancient all-mechanical computer inside in the Cordwainer Smith book I just read. Recognition scene.

That people tell stories to themselves about themselves, that these stories have genre traits- this much is, I think, obvious.
Dreams worked out nicely, popped awake a bit earlier than necessary, drowsy but AOK.

Freedom of thought & action are nice things to have, makes me sad when people don't have them, a lot of that going around.

'Autonomy' running through the back of my mind, ha. Not one of my favorite Buzzcocks songs, oh well.

Wonder if Chris is really coming up here to visit shortly. Salem Willows...

Such a fruitcake I am, passed around endlessly, never go bad.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Finished my book, back to 3 or 4 of those a week, seems like. No going around in little circles for me, not unless I feel like being dizzy for a bit & watching the sparkles.

Clever lad, awake to secrets, will do anything you like, my dears. Not buying it? As I'm not selling anything, that's perfectly lovely, as are you.

Damn fine lass.

Maybe have a drink & start in on Moravagine, drift off to dreams of holding hands.

I'm fine, thanks.
Out in the muggy night, whistling a quiet meandering tune to myself, made Peretz a bit nervous, spooky, that's me.

Let people have their cozy little imaginary hells if it helps them cope with the big real one, had all the heart beaten out of me, can stand it just fine, eyes wide open. Things want fixing.

Echoes down the corridors.

Talking about the relations between word & image out behind work by the dumpsters earlier, strange territory, hard to know where to start. Old preoccupations, fertile areas, open field. A desolation, distant mutant birds.

People are still scared of pictures, magic, secret urges, the things people are afraid to say. But it's the things people say, to themselves mostly, that cause most of the trouble, I find. Lack of imagination.

Taking a break from reading my Cordwainer Smith to eat some vanilla ice cream. Letting a great, gleeful darkness settle about my mind, relaxing into returning strength, might do any damn thing.

Rolling ice cream on my tongue; playful pussycat; bad, bad man.

You're all so fucking ridiculous.

Terribly fond of you regardless. Terribly, terribly fond.
Just got call from T advising me that some of my borrowed things have in fact been returned. One less reason to think of someone I'm very fond of as less than a genuinely decent & worthwhile human being, pity there are so many others.

Really, it's a damn shame.

Coffee machine here ate the last of my small bills, went out for a walk to fetch better coffee, enjoying it now, thinking about what to do next.
Big day for discussing literature with coworkers, peering over logs & spam, head full of Spinoza, comical.

Finding more & more things funny, I've been letting other people's sad ridiculousness infect me, don't mind being ridiculous, but I'd rather it was fun, thanks.

Making miniature scary robots out of spare parts on my desk, self-portraiture a speciality, hobgoblin of little minds.

Another Emerson quote came up in the course of the on clock coffee talk- "You have just dined, and however scrupulously the slaughterhouse is concealed in the graceful distance of miles, there is complicity." Amusing guy.
Finding this extremely funny for some reason, funny mood:

"As, then, unusual natural phenomena are called works of God, and trees of unusual size are called trees of God, we cannot wonder that very strong and tall men, though impious robbers and whoremongers, are in Genesis called sons of God."

Feeling so much better about so many things, hard to explain, you don't need or want to understand anyway, not worth worrying about.

Setting a course for myself beyond the limits of summer, when I'll have ended this thing- strange, perilous path. Gimme danger, little stranger.
In spam this morning:

Do you get panic attacks?
Do you get panic attacks?
Do you get panic attacks?
Do you get panic attacks?
Do you get panic attacks?
Do you get panic attacks?
Do you get panic attacks?

Why, yes, I do, thanks for asking.

Also a lot of speckly gif pornography, thoughtful.
When one has an embarrassment of self consciousness, it's always a question of how much to exhibit, even to oneself. After a while, it mostly comes down to mood. In any case, one never feels that one is being quite honest.

Thinking about picking up a copy of Tractatus Theologico-Politicus, stabbed on leaving the theater, true or not, it's pretty funny.

'The members of the council do you to wit that they have long known of the evil opinions and doings of Baruch de Espinoza, and have tried by divers methods and promises to make him turn from his evil ways. As they have not succeeded in effecting his improvement, but, on the contrary, have received every day more information about the horrible heresies which he practised and taught, and other enormities which he has committed, and as they had many trustworthy witnesses of this, who have deposed and testified in the presence of the said Spinoza, and have convicted him; and as all this has been investigated in the presence of the Rabbis, it has been resolved with their consent that the said Espinoza should be anathematised and cut off from the people of Israel, and now he is anathematised with the following anathema:

"With the judgment of the angels and with that of the saints, with the consent of God, Blessed be He, and of all this holy congregation, before these sacred Scrolls of the Law, and the six hundred and thirteen precepts which are proscribed therein, we anathematise, cut off, execrate, and curse Baruch de Espinoza with the anathema wherewith Joshua anathematised Jericho, with the curse wherewith Elishah cursed the youths, and with all the curses which are written in the Law: cursed be he by day, and cursed be he by night; cursed be he when he lieth down, and cursed be he when he riseth up; cursed be he when he goeth out, and cursed be he when he cometh in; the Lord will not pardon him; the wrath and fury of the Lord will be kindled against this man, and bring down upon him all the curses which are written in the Book of the Law; and the Lord will destroy his name from under the heavens; and, to his undoing, the Lord will cut him off from all the tribes of Israel, with all the curses of the firmament which are written in the Book of the Law; but ye that cleave unto the Lord your God live all of you this day!"

We ordain that no one may communicate with him verbally or in writing, nor show him any favour, nor stay under the same roof with him, nor be within four cubits of him, nor read anything composed or written by him.'

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

All perfectly true, purely a stylistic exercise.

Sorry if it's upsetting, it isn't really, but if it is, sorry.

What would the world be like if we could read each others' minds?

Fact is, we can.

What would it be like?
Sleepy all evening, now wide awake.

Thinking about having a snack.

Thinking about thinking.
Just back from long sunset walk with Peretz, he'd have liked it to have been longer, probably because he doesn't sweat. A bit muggy.

Finding myself struck with the natural beauty of this place, often happens on returning from the more aggressive beauty of the Maine coast. Tempted as I often am to move to the seaside, I think a river valley suits me better. Still think I should make an effort to go to the sea more often, temper the closeness & subtlety with some dynamism, nothingness.

T's on her way home from the Cape, need to go back in to work in a bit, might take a little walk into town after that.

Conflicted animal strivings within, low cunning.
Drove to Amherst on an errand of work, car seems to be working a lot better since my efforts at drying the interior yesterday, makes me wonder if all the moisture wasn't causing shorts, we'll see how it goes, I guess.

Stopped by home for ibuprofen which will hopefully help with lingering headache, back to work in a moment, then back home, then back to work to reboot a server. Fun never stops.

Wish I had some nice new music to listen to, maybe I'll look into that later.
Tortoise found!

I love a happy ending.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Having things to do that seemed intrinsically & straightforwardly worthwhile was a strange experience, anyway my opportunity to do those things was taken away & I'm back to needing to talk myself into doing much of anything. That's harder now for a variety of reasons, things seem less worthwhile by contrast, have been badly hurt, etc., etc. It was never particularly easy, now it's harder.

It's pretty obvious that I should just be looking for other things to do that seem similarly worthwhile, just not up to it, maybe later. Maybe I'll get lucky & they'll find me. Not counting on it.
Woozy, having a ginger ale.

Peretz is eating his dinner, after that we go out on the town.

Would be nice to read something later, wonder if my eyes will cooperate.

Done with multiday state of irritation, back to plain old sad & worried. Emotional range.

Ginger ale isn't helping much with the wooziness, unreliable world.
Taking advantage of T's absence by making myself some cooked cabbage with onion, should be tasty.

Things are slowly coming back into focus, expect I'll be shipshape by morning.

Trying to dry out the passenger side floorboards of my car, challenging.
Missing tortoise, missing tortoise.

From accompanying news story: "Anyone with information about the missing tortoise is asked to call 527-1818."

Some news is worthwhile, I suppose, longing to commence Pet Intelligencer very strong.
Dizzy, limited peripheral vision, good times.

Knew there was a reason I avoid feeling angry for too long at a time. Feeling less like that anyway, contempt & pity alternating pretty freely, come to pretty much the same thing anyway.

Worrying about the Flywheel.

Might make a day trip to the Cape this weekend if I can get around to getting my car fixed.

Still looking into email problem, discussing memcache on IM, feeling pretty ill.
Woken around four this morning by a blinding migraine, spent the next eight hours or so slipping in & out of sleep, intense dreams of angels & light. Eventually, Peretz's need to be taken out seemed more important to me than my need to be in a darkened room, despite it being a gray, overcast day, the surfaces of everything seemed to shimmer, sometimes painfully.

Trying to figure out another mail issue, hard when I can't look at anything for long, keep having to close my eyes.

So, having a bit of a mystical experience, painful, but interesting.

Same old, same old.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Strangely tropical out.

Just me & Peretz again, wide open spaces.

Tired, achy.

Feel pretty good, really angry & hostile, but good.
Eating peanut butter filled pretzels.

Interaction between two people where one has all the power & uses it to make the other feel hurt & violated, what do you call that again?

Business as usual.

Mmmm, peanut butter.
Exciting mail server chaos at work, a lot more fun than what I was planning to do today, still need to do a bunch of that, of course.

Feeling very strange, thinking mean-spirited thoughts. To be expected, I suppose. For future reference, if you let someone you supposedly care about hurt herself because you can't or won't manage to act like an adult and I know about it, I'm likely to occasionally think mean-spirited thoughts about you. Sorry, but that's how it is.

Slippy belt in server room a/c, not quite the tranquil hum I'm used to.

Went & got farm share, eggplants, sweet peppers, huzzah!
Just saw my parents off, need to head over to work in a minute. First stirrings of panic attack, not about work, not really about anything.

No comfort.
Peretz stayed with my mom last night in our guest room. Don't know if it was because he knew she was leaving or because she was watching Howard Zinn on C-SPAN.

About to go out to breakfast with my parents before they head home & I return to the daily grind.

Thinking about Mayakovsky.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Went & saw Barn Owl, place was full of loud drunken idiots, talked to Andy about fish 'n' chips place in Holyoke where he works Thursdays & Fridays, Coney Island, came home again.

So very tired.

Watching my self dissolve & reform, splish.
Just got call from Cooper thanking for vegetables, asking if he could use proposed band name 'Fêted Corps' as song title, signed forms, gave permissions. Little traces in the ether, that's me.

"Jealous? I'll give you something to be jealous about!" "Hurt? I'll show you hurt!" Etc., etc. It's an easy game to play, good if you have a problem with people actually caring about you.

Problem is, when they actually really, really care about you, it just torments them and gets you nowhere much. Suppose there's a certain pleasure to be had in the whole generative schema thing, cunning linguist & all that.

Cooper also told me about show happening down the street in about half an hour, really tired, may go anyway, smoke machine be damned.
Showed my mom how to do sudoku, went with parents to Miss Florence, thought about sordid stories, going to do some sudoku myself now, I think. It's a disease, a social disease.

Awfully tired, hard to think about being at work tomorrow.

Feel like crying, sudoku instead.
Went with parents to Trader Joe's, they got some stuff to eat in RV, I got some stuff to make with vegetables once I have some again.

Really think my mind may be done playing tricks on itself for the time being, a welcome change. Back to stern & unpleasant schoolmarm, looking down over glasses, not enough hair for a bun, sadly.

Watching Peretz spreadeagled on the couch earlier, carefree, vulgarity is very much a thing of the mind.

When detachment & objectivity meet genuine affection, humor. Fond of humor.
Takes me a while to feel contempt for people I'm fond of, no matter how much they might deserve it. I do get to it eventually. Think it would generally be kinder of me to get to that promptly, can do that with most things, not this. No hatred or even dislike, an abiding fondness, but contempt, well, it's pretty utter.

I'm just really not one to treat like garbage or trifle with, not because of anything I'll do about it, not because of the effect on me. They're just deeply stupid & unnecessary ways to act toward me, aren't going to achieve anything anyone would actually want, you might think they would, but that would be a mistake, was a mistake. A stupid, stupid mistake. You're still making it.

Presumptuous of me, no doubt. Here's the thing, I know myself, I know you & I'm really fucking smart.

You too, why not grow up & act like it?
Went for Thai lunch with my mom & dad, T & her mom, nice social time, tasty food.

Finished reading Harry Potter book, quite enjoyable.

Finished with some other things too, don't ask, I wouldn't tell you anyway.
Getting old, haven't yet finished Harry Potter book, long drive left me a bit enfeebled, irritable from lack of sleep, etc., etc.

Somewhat dehydrated, having some coffee.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Seemingly endless cavalcade of holiday snapshots. Enjoy, enjoy.
Hippity hop.

Could've used a longer vacation, it'll have to do.

Moderately eventful drive home, strange iPod behavior patterns, Europop while still on island, transitioning to all sorts of psychedelia once navigating Maine back roads, made me wonder if I hadn't packed the thing with the stuff & forgotten I'd done it, once unthinkable, these days much less so, 'Alone Again Or' came on just in time to finish as I passed the Comfort Inn where I stayed last fall, made me cry so I played it again, catharsis has been pretty thin on the ground of late, will take what I can get.

See right through me, don't exist, or barely, invisible schoolgirl in a negligee, bit of filigree, Glasflügler.

Music returned to its normal eclecticism the moment I hit I-95, drove along under beautiful Maine skies feeling terribly afraid for somebody, minimal basis for that, unfortunately my fears tend to be uncannily accurate when they're regarding others (not always, am often convinced people have been in car accidents when they're late, rarely happens), drag being a sensitive instrument.

Brooding was interrupted by my car stalling at toll booth in New Hampshire, continuing to act squirrelly for a bit after I got it started again. Then was in the middle of a high speed police chase through dense traffic on 495 near Andover, little white convertible speeding down the breakdown lane, cops in close pursuit, at some point Andover police piled on from an on ramp and stopped the guy, wonder what that was all about, maybe I'll look into it later.

Took 495 to 2, passed smoothly through Athol, rest of trip was without incident, lovely day for a drive.

Anyway, tired soldier, fascist advance to be stopped, bleh.

Think my first step toward addressing that will be to lie down in this comfortable looking snow pile & read the new Harry Potter book.

Could've used a longer vacation.
Getting ready to depart for home, car's all packed, have to go meet the parents for breakfast soon. At library helping T get directions from here to her brother's house.

Went to fetch new Harry Potter book with Mom & T last night, amusing freak scene, nice to be out with all the other losers & geeks, awful tired driving to & from bookstore through dense fog, slip of the wheel & we could all stay here permanently.

Being by the seaside has had a lovely effect on my brain, should've gone ages ago, damn sad, but a lovely effect nonetheless. Terrible irrational certainty that something awful has happened, a lovely effect nonetheless.

Yesterday there was impressive crashing surf off Otter Point, looked at it for a long time, could've happily watched it longer. Observed sunset from mountaintop. Mind clearer than it's been in month's is what I'm saying.

OK, things to do.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Thunderstorms weren't so exciting it turns out, just more rain, still raining, have come to town to buy baked goods & check the weather, more rain, looks like. Tea & popovers later, trying to think of more rainy day activities.

Had nightmares of a severity that's hard to describe last night, trying to convince my brain not to worry, but it's smarter than I am and even less concerned for my well-being.

Wish I had a rain jacket, can't remember the last time I had one.

Little snips of poems in my head when woken by dreams last night, think they were pretty good, can't remember them.

Peretz has taken to sleeping on his dog bed, tired of sleeping with me, I guess.

Going to let my mom check her email on my computer (she's hoping for more data), then on to purchase baked goods.

Love you folks.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Back by library, going to get pizza shortly from the bakery next door. Slow, gray day, restful, just spent a little time by lighthouse, before that finished watching Twin Peaks. How's Annie?

Thunderstorms tonight, should be exciting.
Still at library, very pleasant on couch in library. Considering walking around outside for a bit while T finishes catching up on her online social life, requires more effort than mine.

Big toe hurts.

Hope Peretz is having fun with my parents & their dogs.

OK, going to go walk around, hurt toe or no hurt toe.
Sitting in Southwest Harbor Public Library with T, each in our own little Internet wonderland, she looking up zips for postcards, sending birthday emails, me doing this.

Been rainy & gray since yesterday, still having a nice time, some pretty nasty bouts of sadness, having toy shopping make me sad is particularly horrible, one of my favorite activities, initimations of a world governed by affection, intelligence, whimsy. I suppose the fact that the real one isn't is quite enough to be sad about.

Just had some blueberry pancakes. Feeling very worried. Might go swimming later if it warms up.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Notebook jotting's tapered off a bit, maybe a good sign.

"At Seawall, Peretz is picking up & eating strange things including what I think was most of a dead crab.

Low tide, lots of rocks covered in seaweed.

Taking snapshots."

Copying the snapshots off the camera now, will upload them sometime when I have access to a more commodious network.

Tried to engage in some well-meaning but undoubtedly annoying communicative behavior earlier but was prevented by limitations of local cell net, just missed being subjected to same by pal finally wanting to return some of my things, strange how many people start calling me when my phone works dubiously & I'm actually occasionally away from it. Anyway, called back & subjected myself to his maybe well-meaning, certainly annoying communicative behavior, apparently my stuff hasn't been returned for half a year because he's too disorganized, no bullshit like the same old bullshit. Anyway, no biggie, maybe I'll actually get my stuff back.

T's on her way, just missed a call from her because I was floating in a lake watching a mother and baby ducks bob by. When I try to call her back, I get dropped straight into voicemail, she must be getting close.
7/16 10:16 PM

Needed to put an end to Internet avoidance to mail T directions, did so via painfully unreliable library wireless network in Southwest Harbor, kept shutting off & slowly coming back on, dropping lots of packets when it was up, made using AJAXy stuff very painful.

Anyway, finally got & mailed directions, did a few other things while trying to get that done, whole business should've taken about 5 minutes, took about an hour.

First clear night since I've been here, stars are really something.

7/17 6:57 AM

Woke up about an hour ago from dreams of being at an open casket funeral, why do they always put so much makeup on the body? Horrible smell of flowers.

Looks to be a very clear day, been wanting to go up on mountain & look at the islands, might be a good day for it.

Strange being away from Internet, thinking of making a habit of it, maybe also drinking more, picking up strange women. Strange, strange, strange.

Need to pee.

7/17 8:01 AM

Slow morning, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with my mom, may go get sticky buns & olive oil in a little while, maybe make further use of pokey slow, unreliable library Internet, got a Facebook message from old college chum yesterday, weird, have never really made any use of the thing, people usually ignore my presence on social networking sites, old college chums mostly don't speak to me.

Things are looking up, I guess.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Cell phone snaps from foggy conceptual field:

7/14 7:42 PM

Once again absent-mindedly allowed my iPod to discharge prior to long drive, ended up listening to radio, Bangles, Bee Gees, Barry White, kind of a nice change of pace actually.

Cars been acting a little funny, maybe I'll get stuck up here, dare to dream, right?

Beautiful day for a drive, lots of little melancholy stabs on the way, e.g., bridge by Fort Knox that was having completion ceremony last I drove past is now open for business, lovely view.

After arriving there was an incident- Peretz got something unpleasant on his feet down by the waterside, seemed very uncomfortable, obsessive licking, had him stand in tub for a while, he didn't much like it but I think it helped.

Went for clam roll at Maine-ly Delights just down the way, not a patch on Sea Swirl, but pretty good all the same.

7/14 10:47 PM

Think I've managed to wear out yet another pair of shoes, these the brown on brown New Balances T got me for Hanukkah, particularly fond of them, probably why I wore them out so fast, typical. Being an insane giant's not all gravy.

Just had cozy fleece blankets pushed on me by my mom, jokingly tried to dissuade her, saying that the charmingly rustic but inefficient blankets provided by the house rental people might allow for a chill more conducive to genuinely disturbing nightmares. Wasn't as funny to her as to me, guess she doesn't find the idea of me suffering as amusing as my closest friends and I do.

Anyway, Peretz has already occupied the cozy fleece blankets, so maybe shivering visions of worst fears realized will be had after all. Huzzah!

7/15 8:02 AM

Foggy morning,

Woken earlier than I would have liked by plaintive piping, Peretz eager to get on with vacation. My mom's reviewing data on her laptop, my dad's sharing toast with dogs.

Stayed up fairly late reading We the Underpeople, the Instrumentality, ha ha. Feeling like I should shut up about myself & get on with adding to the world's stock of pulpy scifi, maybe soon.

Scary dreams despite cozy blankets, be careful with yourselves.

7/15 7:55 PM

Wow, that's the longest I've been away from a computer for quite some time. Picked up a little notebook so I could continue writing things down compulsively (see below).

"Went to Rockefeller-owned field by lake with parents & dogs. Since I walk faster than my parents, spent some time alone with Peretz under tree in field feeling conceptual, sad. Took some photos with my cell phone as my camera battery was back at the cabin charging. Was unable to send them to myself due to network authentication failures, strangely appropriate.


Went to Bar Harbor looking for shoes, nothing in my size, sucks to be an outlier, in lots of ways.


Managed to locate New Balance tennis shoes in size 14 at Curtis Family Shoes in Ellsworth. Also found that my phone was able to make data connections from their parking lot, managed to send myself the pictures I took earlier.

It's started to rain."

Still raining pretty hard, went & had moderately fancy dinner with my mom, very nice lemon mousse. Thinking I should figure out ways of dealing with being an emotional wreck that don't involve constantly writing things down.

Maybe I'll go find wireless Internet access at some point, post this, recover photos I mailed myself & post those too. I think I want to spend a little more time away.

7/16 1:07 PM

More jottings from little notebook:

"At Otter Point, been walking around in the pine woods with P, still wet from last night's rain. To be in one of my favorite places in the world with such terrible sadness seems very wrong. Anyway, taking snapshots, having a holiday. Not fit for human company. Going to go sit & look at the sea.


A lot of trees down in the woods.


Fairly calm sea today, gentle crashing, sparkling water, largely unchurned, Too many people here, sitting away from where I usually sit. Much less foggy today, still a line of fog obscuring the nearby islands. Clouds of diesel smake from lobster boat looking interesting against the fog, dirty brown, dissolving.


Inexpressible sorrow, should probably stop trying to express it. No way to act that feels like myself, need to get used to new & improved self, I guess. Cane sugar replaced with corn syrup, etc., etc. The way of the world.


A million beautiful things dissolving into endless, repetitive text, to be read by well-wishers, ill-wishers, spammers from Burma or Singapore. Yeah, yeah, I know it's Myanmar now, don't mean to offend.

Sea's picked up a bit, a little spray, air more saline."

Going to go swim in a lake shortly I think. Dinner with my mom's friend Jane later. I think T's coming up tomorrow or the next day.

7/16 4:25 PM

Went swimming. Found that one effect of spending the better part of a year under extreme stress is that I have become less buoyant. Still very relaxing being in the water, though it required a bit more effort than I remember.

'How do you know what I think?' Well, dear, you've told me quite a lot about it, I know you quite well & I'm very intelligent.

Seems like a sensible answer to me, obvious, even. Probably no need to belabor it then.

Singing a little song to myself, thinking about acting more erratically.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Woke with a start from dreams of a full Moon rising over Long Island Sound.

New Moon tonight, will probably spend some of it by a darkened seaside, starlit, perhaps.

Readying myself for departure, did the dishes, put books, videos & electronics in a bag, laptop's next.

Wish you were coming along, things are different now, I guess.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Ended up giving Mexican place a miss as my dad was feeling queasy. He returned to hotel, took my mom to Rein's instead, really beautiful sky on the drive down, rainbow became much more vivid, actually interfered with my concentration on driving a little, pretty weird.

Anyway, nice talking with my mom, now we're watching more Twin Peaks.
Went to see movie, eh.

More foxes jauntily leaping down the aisle, lovely rainbow, thankfully got safely home before it hit.

Going to give Mexican place another shot, supposedly open again, have my doubts. My dad wants his cigars. Don't ask.

All kinds of beat, stuff to do, stuff to do.
Done with work, more or less, went with parents to Look Restaurant for burgers & pie, took dogs for a swim in the Mill River, got bitten by bugs. Slowly realizing how inadequately I slept. Oh, well.

Taking my father to see the new Harry Potter movie shortly, just purchased tickets online. Nice to have little ones about.
Shelled into work, trying to get housecleaning done before departure, lots of that to be done here & there. Listening to The House of Tomorrow, twee, that's me, other things too, of course, pretty catholic taste in music, other things. Discerning but catholic.

Feel like I've had too many stimulants, haven't, no more than usual anyway. Funny jumping heart.
Darker corners of the psyche, people aren't always happy to have shared those, particularly with people like me who actually have a reasonably good understanding of that sort of thing.

That's a shame, as somebody who understands that pretty well, I can be pretty matter of fact about it, that can be useful.

Was pretty sure I could help you feel better, that we could help each other feel better, we certainly had successfully done so for quite some time. Still pretty sure we could make each other feel better, actually. Lot of different approaches that could be taken to that. If you ever get as bored with this hurting one another thing as I am (and frankly, I don't see how you could fail to, I don't think it suits either of us terribly well), you should talk to me about it, you might be surprised to find that I have a lot of good ideas and am unusually flexible.

Actually, I doubt you'd be surprised, I'm pretty sure you know all this perfectly well.

Anyway, no rush on that, dear. When it comes to people like you, I am patience itself.

May not seem like it, but that's how it is.
Popped awake early from the same old nightmares, taking the opportunity to do laundry.

Very ready to be on vacation.

Only so much one can do about other peoples' problems with themselves, wish them well & worry, pretty much, a pity.

Maybe you're not interested in what I think, but I think you're pretty wonderful.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Dropping off rented video at the store, whiff of Stinktier, lingering scent on the way home.

All this highway driving after dropping my mom at her hotel, haven't done much of that lately, meditative, different sort of thinking than I do alone in my room or walking with Peretz, cooler, more detached, more like myself in some ways.

It may seem strange to continue to love someone who's treated me with terrible cruelty- it's not that the way people treat me is totally irrelevant to how I feel about them, though I think it's less important to me than it is to most people, it's more that if I feel one way or another about people and their actions continue to seem consistent with what I already thought about them, their personality, the ways they're likely to act, then there's no reason for me to feel any differently about them. That's very much how it is in this case.

So, anyway, it's not some desperate unreasoning passion, not at all, just me acting like myself. Don't see why I should feel any differently, so I don't. Unlikely to.

Going to go walk the dog & think some more in a different mode. Roving, alert.
Went & got hot fudge sundaes with my mom. Lots of people getting ice cream, mostly seem pretty slow & disoriented, explains a lot.

Feeling itchy.

Want to be lying in a field, will get to that soon.

Sad about taco night.
Went for still more nice Chinese, mei fan, Chinese broccoli, stuffed eggplant, dumplings. Very enjoyable, maybe ice cream later.

Fortune cookie says: "A ship in harbor is safe, but that's not why ships are built."

Need to go back over to work in a bit. Attractive two family for sale right across the street, even closer to work than here, don't think I can really afford it. Peretz wants a fenced yard.
A lot of things I want to do but can't, it's not a big deal, rich inner life.

Talking with coworkers about Donald Barthelme, got me thinking about all the books in parents' house, what fun that was as a kid, scifi, Pogo, Dali cookbook, etc., etc. Realms of the unreal, beats working.

Leaving work soon, coming back later, coming back briefly tomorrow, then footloose & fancy-free, no faerie to go hand in hand with, still better than nothing.

Thinking about Oberon, outermost of Uranus's large satellites.
Archiving ads to dvd, making little spaceships out of spare parts on my desk.

Some day soon this week is going to end.
Lovely summer's day, anybody want to be compared to it? Fair hand at knocking out verse when the mood strikes me.

Not everyone can handle respectful disagreement, dammed up, brook no dispute, etc. Since my life is pretty much one long exercise in that, I'm not to everyone's taste. Trying to keep it more to myself, virtual environment, sandbox, free running torrents, wilderness. Très romantique.

Not so temperate, but very sweet.
While sitting on a picnic table outside community center in Florence awaiting arrival of colleague yesterday, decided there was no plausible way for me to get through this week's farm share while entertaining parents, made arrangements for it by cell phone. Jet set, red threat.

Atkins, much to my father's dismay, has discontinued production of sugar free pies. Will need to take him by Bashista again at some point, I guess.

Thinking about Major Briggs.

In a fit of whimsy, I've scented myself with honeysuckle.

Humidity seems to have broken, join the club.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Very full days, worn a bit thin, ragged around the edges.

People's desire to be understood is probably best left unfulfilled in most cases.

See, learn & adapt.

Partial, ill-expressed, erroneous, contradictory, but none of it lies. Stories that hold together nicely are mostly lies.

So damn tired, imagine I won't be able to fall asleep, heart is racing, aching.

So much pain, it's really something.
Raining hard.

I'm very damp, seems like I've been damp all day.

Endless Twin Peaks, kind of fun.
Made nutritious dinner.

Feeling very strange. Vibrating.

Sweaty, feet hurt. Less humid tomorrow, they say.

Feeling very strange.
Assorted vacation reading arrived by mail, We the Underpeople, The Worm Ouroboros, Moravagine.

Peretz spooked a fox in the woods.

We're a lot alike.
Chinese lunch was delightful but left me even more lightheaded.

Smart people making themselves stupid out of weakness, real or imagined, mostly imagined, just terribly upsetting, can't wrap my head around it, compulsion to try to, nauseating, makes me feel crazy.

But I'm not- painfully, irrepressibly sane, how I hate it.

Shaking, need to walk the dog.
Not as much of a blast furnace today, still unpleasantly sticky.

Having a hard time being awake, dumped P's breakfast into his water dish, having a hard time focusing at work.

Off to Florence for a consultation, nonprofits are funny places. Maybe get some nice Chinese after, might perk me up.

Nasty shrew, very sweet, might seem like a contradiction, isn't really.

Not you, dear, me.
Slept very badly, feeling sluggish, lots to do.

Strange to be attractive to someone for my emotional maturity, not that it's not there, mature to the point of being overripe, honestly, but it's certainly nothing I've ever found that attractive about myself, find it kind of frightening. Certainly not too surprising that others come around to my way of thinking about that.

Constant ferment, stinky cheese.

Should have a shower.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Spent some time curled in a ball, listening to "The Goon Show", singing "Alone Again/Or" to myself.

Kierkegaard, yipes!

Stalking around the hot, dark house in my pjs. Thinking about proud child learning she can shit all over people at will. Mommy, mommy, look what I can do! Being universal doesn't make it any less of an accomplishment, I suppose.

Planned elaborate exorcism for 7/7/07 for years, perhaps I mentioned it? Attentive readers will note that I let the date pass without remark. It's no omission, decided to give the whole thing a miss. Better demons than no company at all.

Jeez Louise, "mens sans in corpore sano," tell me another one, people crack up and turn into offensively self-congratulatory phonies, pathetic & very, very sad. Happened to my uncle, too.

Honestly, sweetie, you're a lovely person without the bullshit, it's not worth bothering with. Get real & you might actually feel better eventually. Hip to that? Can you get behind it?
Drinking tangerine juice.

Clear & empty, how I should stay, probably.

Perception, analysis, dialectic, action. Lather, rinse, repeat. Triage.

The doctor is in, Mengele, Christ.

Tanya has a joke for me:

"2 cows are talking. One says,"I'm worried, you heard about this mad cow disease?" Other cow says, "Yeah, sure makes me glad I'm a penguin."

Doctor Giggles, the doctor is out... of his mind!
Twin Peaks, Twin Peaks, cult tv, "Information, information" - "You won't get it!"

You know the drill, habitual information gathering, information professional, surprisingly well informed. Combined with a theoretical turn of mind makes for an interestingly textured experience, bumpy ride sometimes.

Disinformation campaigns, convince the campaigners more than anyone, their main purpose, I imagine, steady hand on the rudder & all that.

Sometimes a blackout tells you more than anything else could.

Playground of the real, where the real fun happens, perfect information state is always best. Absolutely.

Stormy seas.
Came home, made T grilled cheeses on a bed of field greens for a quick bite en route to the gym, tried to go to Veracruzana with my parents, closed for kitchen renovations.

Went to Joe's instead, pizza pizza pizza. My dad got his usual spaghetti & meatballs, I spilled juices from his leftovers all over my lovely yellow shirt in the course of putting them in a bag, walked home shamefaced, stopping in at Pleasant Street Video to rent a copy of the Twin Peaks episodes 6-9 tape missing from our collection.

There was something else I meant to write about, absent minded professor.
Home for lunch, my parents brought me a reuben sub, very tasty, but made for a bit more nausea than I would have experienced otherwise walking Peretz in the oppressive heat, shades of Tennessee, ick.

Peretz wants to go riding in RV so badly, it's sad, sorry, guy. Some people like to go out dancing, other people like us gotta work.

Slow day at work, usually find that kind of boring, today it's AOK.
Started doing laundry despite not really having time for it, matter of priorities.

Listening to Aja, should really return Cooper's 'Making of' video. At least I'm not as bad as some at returning things.

Librarians are the worst offenders.

Settling comfortably back into darkness & low vulgarity, a thousand sordid stories running through my head. Vaguely political thoughts. Shall we be oppressed by paperwork or the truncheon? Decisions, decisions. A question of the proper balance of the two, really. Different for different contexts & localities, of course. Complex, fascinating.
Can't sleep. Considering trying to make giardiniera, borscht, all sorts of things, not right now, but maybe some time this week, hard to see how I'll find the time.

Keeping myself up thinking about vegetables makes a nice change. Sleep would be a better one, can't have everything.

Spent some time outside watching the lightning, would sort of like to do that some more, should probably go back to bed.

Going to go spend some more time watching the lightning.

Monday, July 09, 2007

More Twin Peaks, more driving my mom back to her hotel after, discussion clarifying relations among characters. "She wanted so much. She made me sell drugs so she could have 'em."

Driving home through the dense, wet air, distant heat lightning. "Time of the Season" came on as I was exiting the highway, made me think about falling asleep listening to "Burnin' for You" a few days ago, kind of a stupid song in some ways, still like:

"Time is the essence
Time is the season
Time ain't no reason
Got no time to slow

Time everlasting
Time to play b-sides
Time ain't on my side
Time I'll never know"

What can I say, sucker for pop songs about time. Thinking about the subway.

Crap, massive associative complex, that New York subway sound, do you think that you could make it with Frankenstein?

Brain is well & truly fucked, went to get memory card for my mom's camera, had vivid memory of looking at it and thinking it was one type (strangely, my memory of what type I thought it was is kind of vague, big like compact flash but not compact flash), specifically not an SD card, which is what's in my camera, couldn't find the type I thought it was, turns out it is an SD card. Earlier today I was taking a server apart, scary.

Could really use some proper sleep, not going to get it, too busy being complex & having feelings, know how you hate that, sorry, dears.
Just back from having nice Lebanese with T & my parents, been a while since I had nice Lebanese. A bit over full.

Need to go back into work in a bit & confirm successful rebuilding of drive array.

Too darn hot.
Drive failure at work, excitement, watching the RAID rebuild itself. 14% rebuilt.

Been an absurdly busy day, started with smell of burning wiring as somebody poured water into the floor over the weekend.

Try to present people with alternatives, I think generally I offer pretty good ones, it's OK if they reject them, but I can do without the gratuitous abuse, I can tolerate it, maybe with a little griping, but I could do without it. A simple "No, thank you" would be lovely. Too challenging, apparently. People can be such jerks.

17% rebuilt, hurrah.
Had it.

Have decided a whole bunch of things are no longer my problem.

Fuck me, right?
Walking the dog, thinking about abuses of power. Bad enough when they don't involve intimacy, when they do, yikes.

More often than not, people get fucked up for life. Have seen too much of it. Imagine that's a pretty common state.

Peretz has come to sit with me, he's extremely wet.

Time to make the donuts.
Woke to darkening skies and a sudden violent thunderstorm, a nice surprise. Nearby lightning strike made a car horn honk.

Really need to do laundry, wonder when I can fit that in to my busy social schedule. The locals may have turned on me, still very popular with my parents.

Painful stomach cramps, hmm.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Should be asleep, feeling too worried, doing crosswords instead.

Thinking about Skee Ball, all night soda shop with Skee Ball. Attached Lebanese grocery perhaps.

Good ideas are good ideas.
Driving my mom back to her hotel, talking about how lousy people's operating psychological theories tend to be. Of course, she wanted examples, overly abstract, that's me. Doesn't make me wrong, of course.

Dime store psychology, in my experience that means true things people don't want to hear about.

It's weird, understanding people pretty well, not being willing to use that information strategically. Used to, everything went swimmingly & I was miserable. Now everything goes down in flames & I'm miserable, at least I have a good reason for it.

So, anyway, I can be really infuriating, sometimes people think that that's me being manipulative, like my main interest in life is being infuriating. Might not be very nice to say, but the truth is, when I'm being manipulative, people mostly do what I want & they don't think I'm being manipulative.

Caused a lot of unhappiness a while back trying to be up front & aboveboard when what was wanted was coddling, couldn't do it, cared too much to do it, probably should've just bitten my lip & done it.

Maybe my main interest in life is being infuriating.

Anyway, it's what I'm good at.
Prizes, prizes, prizes, straight from my happiest dreams into reality, worth well more than any piddling fifteen dollars, I think you'll agree, even putting aside the intrinsic joy of Skee Ball.

Available at a dpi suitable for printing here.

Fact is, I don't really want anyone to do anything they don't want to do, especially on my account. I might think others' choices bad or foolish and say so, if they hurt me, I might say so, that's all. Doesn't seem particularly unreasonable or presumptuous to me, anyway that's just how it is.

Had an awfully good time playing Skee Ball.
Having read promises of three skee ball machines, dragged parents & dogs to Valley Park Lanes & Family Fun Center in North Adams. Turns out there are only 2, one of them out of order, and they're Ice Ball machines, not proper Skee Ball at all (shorter lanes, inflated scoring, plastic balls). Anyway, we made the best of things, blew about fifteen bucks, I tried both my usual strategy of attempting consistent 40s (4000s in the horrible otherworld that is Ice Ball) and my former colleague's method of going violently for the 100s in the corners, did better with my own, both are pretty fun, got some nice prizes.

Photographic documentation here.

Couldn't get a satisfactory shot of our glittering prizes, may try making a scanogram later.

Keep getting called by work, agh!
Wiggling my toes.

Mind's a blank.

Had pleasant dreams of stuff that's not going to happen.

Should call my folks and arrange activities.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Just took my mom back to her hotel, heard more about secret accounts, bad investing, have had my faith in the basic sanity of those around me shaken pretty badly, stuff like this doesn't help with rebuilding it (it's OK, don't think it's worth rebuilding), filled gas tank at the Whately Citgo for the third time in a row, take that global capitalism! And that!

Driving home, thought more about stuff I'm not allowed to think about, it's pretty great, you should try it.

Still feeling pretty ill, manifesting itself as generalized achy discomfort & extreme hunger. Had a donut, then some leftover fried rice, then a pb & j, just picked up some fries, still sort of hungry.
Peretz is licking the cut on my arm.

Twin Peaks, Twin Peaks.

Still pretty extremely fatigued, kind of hard to type. Also space bar is sticking.

Thinking about things, peacefully. Peaceable kingdom.
Walked around Smith, reminisced a bit, talked about what odd places colleges are, how much we hate certain people. Looked at the Dawn Redwood.

Showing my mom Twin Peaks.
Went and watched my parents get situated in their hotel in South Deerfield, ate a granola bar, got a nasty scratch on the arm from one of my dad's dogs. Peretz came too, enjoys the company of other dogs.

Took my folks to People's Pint, we all had mushroom bleu cheese burgers, my mom & I had beer, dropped my dad back at the hotel, going to go walk around Smith with my mom now for a molecular methods course nostalgia trip, pretty nice out too, should be fun, maybe we'll get ice cream.

Sort of vacation like, sort of nice.
Dim sum was very pleasant. Sticky rice, stuffed tofu, dumplings, steamed buns, fried oysters, etc. Decadent times.

After dim sum, went & looked at little blue farmhouse down the street, a little small, kind of nice, nice yard, nice rural/industrial wasteland. My mom called the person selling it and he told us to go ahead and look around inside, kind of interesting.

Wonder what the mortgage payment would be.
Going for dim sum with my folks in a bit.

Talking genealogy on my mother's cell phone, some people I'm supposed to locate apparently, information professional!

Still feeling pretty wrung out, maybe dumplings will help fill in the empty spaces, freeze, thaw, freeze, thaw. Repair bureau's already over budget for the year.

Peretz is collapsed on a blanket, spent a lot of time playing with my dad's dogs before I got up. We do more things before etc., etc.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Trying to wake myself up for drive to airport, 'Institutionalized' stuck in my head.

Wish it made me feel better knowing I'm better off than the people who did this to me, doesn't, makes me feel worse.

Damn sad, but very strong & capable.

Turns out I was too tired for walk.

Nose itches something awful, happens wet days.

Mind wandering down dark corridors, things jumping out at me, going boo.

Feel better, sweetie.
Spent much of the afternoon in a storm of cabbage & cabbage-related cookery. Made an ancho chile/cumin/garlic scape slaw (turnips & carrots in that as well), fried rice with kohlrabi & kale, all pretty tasty, feeling less guilty about letting vegetables go to waste, full of vim & vigor the better to coldly watch the world go by.

Need to go fetch my mom from the airport later, she wants Donut Dip, think they're open fairly late, hope so, hate to disappoint.

It's gotten really nice out since the rain, haze is off the mountains, might go out for a walk, might be too tired.
Odd rain, sunshower with thunder, sparse giant raindrops, wildly varying tempo.

Tried to nap, anyway, didn't work out, having some more coffee.

Should be cooking vegetables. Will maybe go look for rainbows, help the victims out of the wreckage.
Took my dad to Silver Spoon for homemade crow's nest, Bashista for sugar-free apple pie, going to go do some quick dog activities, then he's going to take a nap, I think. I may make some cole slaw. A little tempting to also try to take a nap.

Peretz is very excited to see his southern colleagues, a lot of results to discuss, he's working on a powerpoint.
Apparently my dad got here at 7 AM, discovered him & his dogs on taking Peretz for his morning promenade. He's here now drinking coffee, relating details of his trip.

He's telling me about issues with his digestive tract related to travel strangely enough.

Now he's telling me about bleeding all over things.

Now he's scritching Peretz.
Past couple of days, my digestive tract has been behaving like it tends to when I'm on a trip, spiritual journey, perhaps.

Slept just fine last night, still in kind of rough shape, all sorts of little sick feelings, aches, pressed in a press, short on vital juices, working on replacing them with coffee.

Wonder when my dad's getting here.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

It's funny to have had conversations with someone that had such profound effects on me that that person doesn't remember because of having been in a dream state at the time. Think about them a lot. Strange funny, even a little bit ha ha funny.

Anyway, one big effect of these conversations was taking what was already a fairly strong protective impulse and solidifying it into something pretty absolute that I seem to be stuck with, it's worse than useless, doesn't help me get rid of it. Nothing's going to.

I'm so sorry.

Listening to rain, drifting. Should probably go to bed.
Still raining, gone out in it with P a few times, giving our hair a fanciful curl.

Guess my dad's getting here in the morning.

Had lots of nutritious berries, nutritious cake.

Eyes hurt.
Heavy, muted air before rain. Sound of crows.

Red Sox lighter, miss my ladybugs on plaid lighter. No friendly spirits in my dreams.

Not feeling very good.
Went & walked around in Amherst, pizza slice, iced coffee, no strawberry rhubarb squares. Picked up some berries on the way home, drove around eating berries. All pretty idyllic, still feel like shit.

Absolutely nothing wrong with cynicism as such, but facile cynicism, ick. Things suck, but people don't, not entirely anyway.

Want to take a nap, probably won't.
Home again, head hurts, thinking about going walking around in Amherst, not sure why, like it over there in the summertime, I guess, also would really like to do something other than pottering around the house feeling like crap.

Gotten muggy again.

Wonder if Henion has strawberry rhubarb squares, 'tis the season.
Got more sleep than I've managed in days, dreamless, restful, still feel pretty off, took the edge off anyway.

Drinking coffee, organizing my thoughts. They're already pretty well organized, force of habit. Some people keep their houses neat & tidy.

A little more work, then a stretch of free time, more than usual, hmm.

It's my brother's anniversary, easy to remember as the date was my suggestion. A joke, ha ha. Also brought an Uncle Sam piñata full of atomic fireballs to the wedding reception, great fun beating the crap out of it then pelting people with the atomic fireballs.

Happy anniversary.
Painfully exhausted, still can't sleep. Think I've gotten slightly less than ten hours in since Sunday, not good. Have had extremely frightening dreams when asleep, thinking about them a lot when awake. Sedative might be nice, don't work reliably anyway, sigh.

When I was younger & this happened, it wasn't nearly as bad, got a little loopy, but that was sort of fun, was much more physically resilient. Feel really, really sick.

Peretz has been very good about keeping me company.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Turned out to be raining a good deal harder than I thought it was, Peretz likes watching the drops go splish, can see it more clearly if you stand rooted to one spot, apparently.

Anyway, pretty wet. Got me thinking about the drainage ditch running through my parents' back yard, playing in it as a child, pretty exciting, you could go upstream into the woods where the sides were higher.

Keep thinking about that kid with Asperger's locked up in the psych ward, hell. Thinking about some folks I met visiting in a psych ward a while back, wonder how they're doing, probably not so great. Norwegian Wood.

OK, sudoku time.
Having a piña colada soda with rum, last of my local soda supply, should maybe go get some more tomorrow or the next day. No coconut sorbet on hand sadly, need to get better at thinking ahead.

Parents will be showing up shortly, Mom on Friday, Dad Friday or Saturday, looking forward to seeing them but a bit concerned at how to simultaneously entertain and use up my supply of vegetables. Question of vegetable use is further complicated by T going out of town late next week. What to do, what to do?

P wants out again, wants people to come visit.
Making some more pasta with garlic scape pesto, sauteed veggies, will be a sad day when the scapes are gone, very enjoyable.

Hoping the carbs & vitamins will make short work of headache, pretty forlorn hope, will probably be pervaded with sense of well-being, still have headache, not so bad.

Some things people say just aren't very believable, stranger still they sometimes seem to think I'm fool enough to believe them. Think this mostly happens when they've fooled themselves into believing them or at least into believing they do, mostly the latter, I imagine. Funny things, people.

Suffering, gladly.
A light rain's started, interesting rustlings in the trees, tempted to go walk around in it, clear my head, could use it.

With all the stuff going on in there, nap's pretty much out of the question, would be asking for more bad experiences, usual worries, expect they'll keep getting worse for a while.

Too clever by half, needed to be too clever by more than that, I guess.

Going to go skip through the rain, being insufficiently clever, soak in the dying world, maybe smile winningly at passers-by.
Got some work done, came home, made hash & eggs, took the dog for a walk, going to do some remote log perusal in a bit.

Nap is looking pretty good, would probably interfere with my sleeping tonight, can't see how it could be much worse.

Peretz is standing around being cute.

Unrequited love, painful, worrying, makes me like myself better, think more clearly, going to stick with it, able to sleep or no.

Valley catarrh.
Explosions in the distance, voluminous holiday-themed spam, copying files to archive, etc., etc.

Like a bad joke, knows ten languages, lousy communication skills, how do I get myself in these situations? Perverse.

Thinking about some behavioral patterns that don't seem like they could possibly be all that common, wondering what I do to attract people who manifest them, maybe they're just a lot more common than I imagine, scary.

Scary, perverse.
Brooding about hotel planned for the Roundhouse lot while walking Peretz, I'm told people may be making some progress on getting it to be less of an eyesore, doesn't change the fact that a playground is being ripped out to enable still more rich hoohas to come & clog our streets in search of middlebrow tchachkas & bad Italian food.

Don't know, guess I think encouraging the growth of actual industry might make more sense, the plan seems to be preparing for our being a seaside resort by 2050, likely enough I suppose, the real bellwether will be the opening of Mexican/pizza restaurants, maybe it's already happened, been kind of distracted lately.

Also did some brooding about how frustrating I find it being so difficult, it's a bit of a dilemma, strong need to be useful to people, that's how I'm most useful, but people tend not to care much for it. On with the relentless critical rigor, I guess, doesn't mean I don't love you, means I do, actually, funny way of showing it is all.
Can't stop sneezing.

Thinking about how funny people are. Funny & sad.

Going to go into work for a while in a bit, always interesting being there on holidays.

Still not much in the way of actual sleep.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Head hurts something awful. Spent quite a while on the phone with my mom, she's getting glasses for the first time, non-reading glasses anyway, she told me about a mutual friend's getting glasses as a child, realizing that the leaves on trees were separate, talked about when I first got glasses, noticed the Moon had surface features. She told me various stories of woe, friend's kid with Asperger's out on his own, drew the attention of neighborhood hardware store owners buying stuff for tinkering projects, called the cops on him, he'd made some sort of incendiary device among other things, now in the loving arms of the state mental health system, other friend's marriage on the rocks over exuberant & ill-informed stock trading, yikes.

Feel pretty well off comparatively, young & in love, external circumstances not the best, never much gave a shit about those. Sitting on the couch with Peretz, Scorsese movie's on, headache, sure, headache. Fuck it, I can see things clearly, all's well.
Ate some nutritious leftovers & got myself together enough to do some dishes & go pick up some things at the market. Say what you will about living in an age of ever more cynically pointless war, the ice cream is top notch. Enjoying some now, clearly recognizing the decadence of one's era has its advantages.

Ice cream is clearing my head nicely, no chance of it rectifying my manner of expression, sadly. Wish I were better at getting things across, think you'd enjoy them more over there if they weren't horribly mutilated in transit.

Maybe not, look what attempting that did to tomatoes.
Feeling just dreadful, swimming in lake, sitting on rocks by seaside, pancake breakfasts, afternoon tea, etc. looking better all the time.

Gone from being too exhausted to be upset about things to too exhausted to avoid feeling upset about things, little bee flitting from flower to flower, sweetness & light.

Half fell asleep while writing this.
Big day for needing to be in two places at once, good thing I've been getting my astral body back in fighting trim.

Real body's not doing so well, need more sleep, anybody want to pat my head & make it all better? Thought not.

Keep imagining that closing my eyes will make my head stop hurting, doesn't.
Stuck at the conclusion of our last reasonable conversation, not a bad place to be stuck, better than where you seem to be, frankly. Waiting in the wings for a return to sanity, not so bad in the wings, making myself comfortable, watching the show go on, funny angle on it.

Nursing fears & resentments, sad substitutes, people make do with what they have, I suppose. Try to stick to visions of beauty myself, imagine I'll get one or another of them realized eventually, maybe not, still worth trying, I think.

Grim prospect of work edging closer to reality, agh.
Groggy, stuffy-headed, 'Fort USA' stuck in my head in the shower.

Back to four hours sleep a night, apparently. Work should be a blast.

Just finished reading book of Donald Davidson essays, useful in clarifying some things to myself, I think, doubt you'd be much interested.

Scifi book is also being quite helpful.

Come away, o human child.
So damn tired, still can't sleep.

People want lies, want to be lied to. Not any good at that. Oh, I'm quite adept at lying, just not about the things people want to be lied to about. For somebody who's very happy to just do what other people want, it's a bit of a problem. Anyway, just not any good at it, something I'm stuck dealing with, others can deal with it or not, just as they please. Really, I understand perfectly.

Not everything, but probably more than you'd expect.

Been treated to an experience that had every appearance of being designed to maximize the suffering of all involved. Don't for a moment imagine it was intentionally or consciously so designed, pretty sure it was so designed nonetheless. Mental illness can be a very disturbing thing, sometimes people really need pain and to cause pain in others, just how it is. I have a tendency to unusually lucid and intense emotional pain, ideal subject, glad to be of service. Quite honestly.

Going to try to sleep. Love ya.

Monday, July 02, 2007

T was just commenting on my maddeningly repetitive use of the phrase "Nice to (blank)." You think people know you. Maybe I should read 'In the Penal Colony' aloud at storytime later, better yet, why don't you read it and not talk to anyone about it.

Mad Libs, little songs I sing to myself, etc., etc. Don't mean anything by it.

Never mind.
T ended up not going out to dinner, managed to shake off fatigue enough to make burritos for all, change a light bulb, take out the recycling, think that's about my limit for useful activity for today.

One advantage of total exhaustion is that I can't muster up much in the way of feelings, enjoying that, mildly.

Hurt all over, flushed, should probably take the dog out. Never too tired for labors of love.
Falling asleep at my desk, soothing fan noise, kind of pleasant, should maybe bring that doggy bed I got for xmas in here, stick it in the corner or something, floor's kind of dusty though.

Eyes hurt.

Feeling worried, not as upset as yesterday, too tired.

Think T may be going out for dinner, too tired to think about dinner, should really eat something other than multigrain pretzels some time today.

Maybe a burrito.
Making trembly progress through the day, reminding me of my grandfather's parkinsonian benediction at my Bar Mitzvah, shaking hands extended toward the multitude, added a touch of drama, very memorable.

Little vibrating dot, harmless as can be, bleh.

Feel like I might throw up, probably won't, might be better if I did.
Got called into work the second my coffee finished brewing, dead switch, easy to fix, but not a very auspicious beginning of the workweek.

Feel like hell, misery/panic state interfered rather seriously with sleep, loved one's corpse popping up rather frequently once sleep was achieved. Some things get drilled into my head & stay there, sorry. Be OK, OK? Think dignified & old.

Finally drinking my coffee, got to walk dog, think shower may need to wait till later, ick.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Spent some time reading, then T showed up and took Peretz & I out to observe the impressive moonrise, sounds like it was more impressive before it cleared the range, still pretty neat, large & orange, brought back happy memories, well, happy for me anyway.

Feeling really bad, residual terrors, finding out somebody I loved very intensely was stuck in a rut likely to kill her was the most frightening thing that had ever happened to me, her falling back into it was even more frightening, turns out. Hoping I stay frightened, frankly.

Frightened & hurt, natural state, you'd think I'd get used to it, sometimes it seems like I have.

Peretz is stalking about, jingling.
Trembling, stomach in a knot, several very unsettling spasms while walking with P just now. Amazingly beautiful day, not fit to be out in it.

Thinking about making myself a cup of tea, you know what they say about robotic lions.

Scifi book is helping a little but not enough, would be better if eyes would stop darting around, tea might help with that.

OK, tea.
Feeling really fucked up, went & got a large quantity of dog treats for Peretz & a scifi novel, maybe that'll help ride this out.

Tired of being so sad about something I can't really talk about without hurting other people, just go on coming off as an overreacting crazy person, I guess, doesn't make much difference to me really, not much does, for most intents & purposes, I'm done caring.

Pure pain, pity I don't have any religious beliefs that valorize that, maybe not, pretty sure it would still suck.
About fucking had it with caring about people that don't care about me, should probably figure out a way to stop, as it is, I end up feeling like I've been hit in the face all the damn time.

May go lie in the dark some more, that was pretty OK.

Rather looking forward to living alone.
Woke up pretty early, then spent quite a long time lying in the dark, musing, brooding, feeling sorry for myself & others, it was pretty OK. Having some trouble adapting to the waking, sunlight world, it's pretty amazing out, maybe it would be worth it.

Working on cleaning out the dusty corners of my head so I can respond more adequately to present situations, keep finding interesting things, spend lots of time examining them, could use a good brainwashing.