7/14 7:42 PM

Once again absent-mindedly allowed my iPod to discharge prior to long drive, ended up listening to radio, Bangles, Bee Gees, Barry White, kind of a nice change of pace actually.

Cars been acting a little funny, maybe I'll get stuck up here, dare to dream, right?

Beautiful day for a drive, lots of little melancholy stabs on the way, e.g., bridge by Fort Knox that was having completion ceremony last I drove past is now open for business, lovely view.

After arriving there was an incident- Peretz got something unpleasant on his feet down by the waterside, seemed very uncomfortable, obsessive licking, had him stand in tub for a while, he didn't much like it but I think it helped.

Went for clam roll at Maine-ly Delights just down the way, not a patch on Sea Swirl, but pretty good all the same.

7/14 10:47 PM

Think I've managed to wear out yet another pair of shoes, these the brown on brown New Balances T got me for Hanukkah, particularly fond of them, probably why I wore them out so fast, typical. Being an insane giant's not all gravy.

Just had cozy fleece blankets pushed on me by my mom, jokingly tried to dissuade her, saying that the charmingly rustic but inefficient blankets provided by the house rental people might allow for a chill more conducive to genuinely disturbing nightmares. Wasn't as funny to her as to me, guess she doesn't find the idea of me suffering as amusing as my closest friends and I do.

Anyway, Peretz has already occupied the cozy fleece blankets, so maybe shivering visions of worst fears realized will be had after all. Huzzah!

7/15 8:02 AM

Foggy morning,

Woken earlier than I would have liked by plaintive piping, Peretz eager to get on with vacation. My mom's reviewing data on her laptop, my dad's sharing toast with dogs.

Stayed up fairly late reading We the Underpeople, the Instrumentality, ha ha. Feeling like I should shut up about myself & get on with adding to the world's stock of pulpy scifi, maybe soon.

Scary dreams despite cozy blankets, be careful with yourselves.

7/15 7:55 PM

Wow, that's the longest I've been away from a computer for quite some time. Picked up a little notebook so I could continue writing things down compulsively (see below).

"Went to Rockefeller-owned field by lake with parents & dogs. Since I walk faster than my parents, spent some time alone with Peretz under tree in field feeling conceptual, sad. Took some photos with my cell phone as my camera battery was back at the cabin charging. Was unable to send them to myself due to network authentication failures, strangely appropriate.

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Went to Bar Harbor looking for shoes, nothing in my size, sucks to be an outlier, in lots of ways.

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Managed to locate New Balance tennis shoes in size 14 at Curtis Family Shoes in Ellsworth. Also found that my phone was able to make data connections from their parking lot, managed to send myself the pictures I took earlier.

It's started to rain."

Still raining pretty hard, went & had moderately fancy dinner with my mom, very nice lemon mousse. Thinking I should figure out ways of dealing with being an emotional wreck that don't involve constantly writing things down.

Maybe I'll go find wireless Internet access at some point, post this, recover photos I mailed myself & post those too. I think I want to spend a little more time away.

7/16 1:07 PM

More jottings from little notebook:

"At Otter Point, been walking around in the pine woods with P, still wet from last night's rain. To be in one of my favorite places in the world with such terrible sadness seems very wrong. Anyway, taking snapshots, having a holiday. Not fit for human company. Going to go sit & look at the sea.

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A lot of trees down in the woods.

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Fairly calm sea today, gentle crashing, sparkling water, largely unchurned, Too many people here, sitting away from where I usually sit. Much less foggy today, still a line of fog obscuring the nearby islands. Clouds of diesel smake from lobster boat looking interesting against the fog, dirty brown, dissolving.

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Inexpressible sorrow, should probably stop trying to express it. No way to act that feels like myself, need to get used to new & improved self, I guess. Cane sugar replaced with corn syrup, etc., etc. The way of the world.

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A million beautiful things dissolving into endless, repetitive text, to be read by well-wishers, ill-wishers, spammers from Burma or Singapore. Yeah, yeah, I know it's Myanmar now, don't mean to offend.

Sea's picked up a bit, a little spray, air more saline."

Going to go swim in a lake shortly I think. Dinner with my mom's friend Jane later. I think T's coming up tomorrow or the next day.

7/16 4:25 PM

Went swimming. Found that one effect of spending the better part of a year under extreme stress is that I have become less buoyant. Still very relaxing being in the water, though it required a bit more effort than I remember.

'How do you know what I think?' Well, dear, you've told me quite a lot about it, I know you quite well & I'm very intelligent.

Seems like a sensible answer to me, obvious, even. Probably no need to belabor it then.

Singing a little song to myself, thinking about acting more erratically.