Thursday, May 31, 2007

Out with P again, under the Blue Moon, muted orange through the haze, cooler, still damp. All these feelings I don't know what to do with, so tired all the time, brutal déjà vus, violent shocks of beauty almost knocking me down, I wish you could see.

Sing a little song to myself.

Vicious times.
It's gotten unpleasantly muggy.

Out walking with Peretz, pebble in my shoe, thinking sad thoughts, some happy ones, 'By the Light of the Silvery Moon' stuck in my head, good old Doris Day.

Peretz is going nuts in the basement.
Got a little rest anyway, no sleep, but feel a bit better anyway.

In the course of doing some testing over the weekend, I noticed that I was being 'covertly' monitored. Anyway, it struck me as pretty silly and I've engaged in a little gentle (maybe not so?) mockery of my surveiller over the past few days, sorry if it upset you, not my intention at all. Usually this sort of thing upsets me quite a lot, in the case of the person in question, it just makes me feel a mix of amusement & concern.

So, I'm done testing what I was testing, feel free to return to whatever strategy of concealment you're comfortable with assured that I will no longer notice.

Love ya, kid.
Clouds rolled in to greet me on my departure from work, managed to get most of the way through a walk in the woods with Peretz before the rain started so we're only somewhat damp.

Extremely mentally fatigued, have more of a stretch of time to myself than I've had in some time, not sure what to do with myself, update some websites, maybe.

Nice to be home where I can cry in peace, anyway.
At work, going through routine, feeling increasingly cockeyed. This popping awake in the wee hours business is getting to be a bit much again, very shaky.

Loud a/c, flickering lights, feel like crying. Will put a brave information professional face on it, for the next hour or so anyway.
Another lovely day, maybe rain later, going to go lift & tote some things soon, nice to move around.

Anyway, pretend to be onion powder all you like, dear, I know better & so do you.

Queen of spices.

Maybe it's just my opinion, but I'm pretty astute.
Das Stinktier liebt Zwiebeln.

So much information, so little understanding.

Have fun peeking out of your box, wish you could get yourself out of it.

Glad to be an educational opportunity in any case.
Popped awake at 4:30 feeling scared, spent a long time trying to fall back asleep, didn't have much luck, did some quality thinking anyway.

Short day at work today, off tomorrow, can maybe catch some sleep later, not really counting on it.

OK, coffee.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Made stirfry with local agricultural products & Lan Chi Black Bean Sauce with Chili, took a walk in sunshine & restocked on stimulants, happy days are here again. Feeling more awake than I have all day, excited for more local agricultural products.

Golden light on the pine outside my window, beaming love fruitlessly out into the cosmos, being prickly, sardonic.

Very difficult in some ways, very easy in others, not everybody's cup of tea, maybe not anybody's, oh well.

Should learn more German & attempt some humorous verse.
Coworkers returned from excursion much earlier than I expected, may get through day without single printer question, kind of a disappointment, actually.

Keep looking out the high, distant window at the beautiful day.

Head is elsewhere, lucky head.
Surprisingly slow at work & what problems there have been have been relatively technical, feeling sedated, may slump over my desk any moment & have my daydream continuations of last night's comforting fantasies transition into full-blown dreams, probably better not, as those gang aft agley. Maybe play it safe & have some more coffee.

Shivering, should've worn a hoodie, get one when I go for lunch, maybe.
Alone at work, anthems of childhood stuck in my head:

"Comet- it makes your mouth turn green.
Comet- it tastes like Listerine.
Comet- it makes you vomit,
So eat some Comet and vomit today."

Amazingly, got to my desk without being asked about a printer, have a timer going.
Had the loveliest dreams, unbelievably banal, unbelievably lovely, didn't want to get out of bed. Could use a hug, a real one.

Caffing up in preparation for endless questions about printers & the like, should be amusing.

Lurker, griefer, funny stuff.

Feeling increasingly fearless, what's the worst that could happen? Fact is, it already did, everything else is gravy. Care to dance?

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Being asked for relationship advice.

With specifics, it would be even funnier, but perhaps indiscreet.
Sleepy, sleepy, going to be sole information professional on hand at work tomorrow, hopefully will get some sleep before.

In a life spent largely with inadequate sleep, this year has been something special, effects have been strange and varied.

Watching someone I love do horrible things to herself, hard to describe how awful it felt, frequent echoes, ripples, knives in the gut.

Scary things in the night, oh, fuck.
Funny to have been treated as someone likely to snap & go on a rampage, think I could probably get elected person least likely to snap & go on a rampage, in my immediate vicinity, anyway. Snap & curl up in a ball crying, sure, snap & complain a lot about it, maybe under extreme circumstances, rampage, not so much.

Snap, snap, snap, like bubble wrap.

Sweet young thing, innocent, kind.

Also terribly, shockingly vulgar.

The two go hand in hand, of course.
Feeling a bit punch drunk, none too steady on my pegs.

What's with all the popup, window in window preview thingies these days, don't care much for them, could be trapped in one right now, lemme out! Just want room to live.

Therefore going to go stagger around outside for a bit, kisses.
Another thing, which the fiasco at work had temporarily driven from my mind, is that a friend of my coworker's had a baby the other day, was discharged from hospital, went home & promptly died of internal bleeding, 33 years old or some such, making me cry when I think about it, should probably get back to thinking about fiasco at work.
Genuinely nauseating goings on at work, total cockup, as much my fault as anyone else's, what else is new?

Anyway, feeling a bit ill.

Going to walk the dog, go fix a broken network in town & try not to think about it.

Love you folks, feeling a bit fragile, but if you find yourself needing anything, I could no doubt get it together quickly & help out.

Had several dreams about being in restaurants, not eating, just walking around. One had one long high table, there were people at the table who I thought were the people I was there with, but were in fact Indians who strongly resembled them, next to them was a line of three unusually tall and strangely designed beer bottles.

Also dreamt of going to meet someone at Dalt's in Nashville 'after work,' though where I was supposed to be working in Nashville was a bit of mystery, used to go there occassionally with some people at my high school I was kind of peripherally associated with, haven't been there in ages. They make a good chocolate malt cake.

Anyway, I had several dreams like this, I was always supposed to be meeting people, they were never there & I got confused by the interior of the restaurant, the light, how to move around the closely set tables, etc.

Nobody died anyway, that's a plus.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Really lovely out, cool, golden tinge to light, open blue sky, high moon. Were I less tired, I'd still be out, brief stagger about with Peretz was pretty pleasant in any case.

Sick & wrong, that's my style.

Seems like everybody & their mom is reading this thing lately, can't see the attraction, honestly.

Funny monkey on a stick, ignore the blood dripping down, all part of the procedure.

God, bad student poetry I had to read in classes & for high school literary magazine.

"The blood ran down her arm
Like the toothpaste did when she brushed that morning."

"........a crash that killed that friend of mine......
......only burning pieces were left behind..........."

Based on actual events, honest, almost too much to bear. Keep slogging along anyway.
Nap was a bit of a bust, called by my mom a few minutes after dozing off, needed help with emailing some photos to a dying friend, intended to cheer what sound likely to be her last moments, certainly worth getting woken up over, dying friend's no joke, couldn't fall back asleep after, feeling shittier & shittier.

Feeling worried.

I imagine you've heard quite enough about my feelings, change the channel?
Got invited to a bbq, had far too much to eat, now even sleepier. Should maybe do some more work, maybe nap first.

People are funny, so busy making their own problems.

Sad & friendly, friendly & sad.

OK, nap.
Feeling like shit, four hours of sleep will do that to one, sigh.

Wondering what other delights the day will hold.

Ate an apple, should eat something else, probably.
A rustling in the bushes, I'm being observed.

(Peers into bush)

Oh, hi, Stinktier, whatcha doin' in the bushes?

Want a pistachio nut?

No, no- no need to bite or spray, I'm walking away now, have fun in the bushes.

(Sweet kid, but strange)
Woken by call from work, exciting new problem, all fixed now, we'll see if it recurs.

Happy holiday.

Whenever I get a call in the early AM, I think somebody's dead. It's always just work.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Some people will yell at you for asking how they are, then when you stop, they'll call you narcissistic.

No pleasing some people.


Really, overwhelming, heart-wrenching pity. It's fucking me up something awful, that & other things. From time to time, anyway, well, maybe most of the time.

Other times, things are quite different. Had some very revealing experiences, they've made me think very differently about some important things, it's interesting. Once I start being able to sleep properly again, I'm quite sure I'll be better for having had them.

So, thanks.
That Pale Dry Ginger Ale is the stuff, hits the spot.

Should go into advertising, master of the trite phrase.

Something important I've learned- if someone appears to have paranoid delusions, focused on you, no matter how intelligent you think they are, no matter how committed you are to being honest with them, don't tell them they seem paranoid, just move away quietly & hope they find help elsewhere.

Maybe it'll come in handy sometime.
Driving around, stopping at farm stands, not much in the way of local produce as yet, got some asparagus, apples anyway. Tearing up a bit driving, wish I could stop being such a silly person, don't think it's going to happen. Apples are tasty, got some Peachy Peach Halves in a jar also. Nearly ran over a chipmunk, nearly crashed car avoiding running over chipmunk.

Feeling restless, maybe another apple would help.
World is alive with pollen, Peretz's head yellow-flecked, drifting arrays of white fluff.

Can't quite get the hang of today, typisch für Sonntag. Shower might help.

Spend a lot of time lately feeling just terrifyingly lonely, doesn't make much difference if I'm around people or not. Bleak prospects, dead horizon.

Had 'Permafrost' stuck in my head most of the morning, driven out by 'Fire and Rain' of all things, blaring from parked pickup emblazoned with the Jolly Roger. Got me thinking about the first chapter of Treasure Island, how many pirate clichés are packed in there, RLS is really something else.

Wish I could be like David Watts.
Sad, trapped, if I had more sense, I'd gnaw my leg off and drag myself away.

Severely lacking in sense.

Miss being able to sleep in, so much I miss.

Should do some target practice.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Peretz & I went to campsite in woods, had burgers, splished in babbling brook, got bitten by bugs, etc. Pretty fun, now my feet hurt & Peretz has a chill from getting wet, since we got home he's been sleeping under my legs, I've been lying in the dark, thinking thoughts.

They're not dark thoughts, they're very affectionate thoughts, thought my dark thoughts while driving down 2 stuck behind a slow moving minivan.

Drove through Ashfield on my way up to campground, got me thinking melancholy thoughts about German Science Reader & what a dope I am.

I think a wide variety of thoughts.
No crossword as crossword provider is apparently having DNS problems, doing laundry.

Feel funny, a little queasy.

Playing with webserver while waiting for washer cycle to end.
Went & had breakfast with a couple of my few remaining pals, on their way through town en route to festive holiday camping, may take a trip out to festive holiday campsite in the Berkshires with P later. Should be doing laundry now, lazing about instead. Sweaty, lazy. Maybe do a crossword, then laundry.

Feeling a little freaked out that person who has serious problems with me has key to my apartment, not really a reasonable concern, probably, still has me feeling a little insecure from time to time. Perhaps I should change the locks.
Helicopter seed pods are falling.

In ridlculous Russian action movie T was watching yesterday, the lead villain (driven to sociopathy by witnessing his parents' deaths in an accident at a chemical weapons facility at an early age) made a very funny twirly gesture with his index finger to indicate that the helicopter carrying the people he was hunting should take off, struck me funny, anyway.

Peretz wants a helicopter.

In high school, in my freshman English class, a girl talked about how she imagined New York to be swarming with helicopters, funny, reminded me of the illustration of Paris in Richard Scarry's Busy, Busy World where everyone has a baguette.
The fence around the Senior Citizen Center is being removed, hope it doesn't wander out into the street.

Tired of waking up tired.

Peretz is on his bed, cleaning his paws.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Hot day making Peretz seem a lot more elderly than usual, walks really slowly, sags a bit.

Headache, thinking about beverages.

Had conversation with nice lady at Harmony Springs about Coca Cola espionage case, she brought it up in response to my taking pictures of the facility. Thinking about kicking the Vitamin Water, sending savings to Indian villages or some such. Drink local, drink often.

Got a Quinine Water, should get some limes.
Scorcher indeed, hiding in air conditioned chamber, brewing a fresh pot of joe.

Been doing crosswords, sudoku, eating Portuguese, Polish specialties. Go go Ludlow.

Wishing I had another children's book, should maybe write one.

Tempting to go for a walk, just shaved, would be asking for razor burn, might do it anyway, pure will.
Compromise solution (click for more):

Wish you were here.
Showers are really something, how did people manage without them?

According to signs on the telephone pole in front of my house, my neighbors have lost their ferret, Rufus, I'll keep an eye out.

Amor fati, sometimes it's a challenge, still probably best.
Keep waking up very early, lying in bed wishing I could sleep more, feeling very fatigued.

Can't decide what to do with myself today. Take photos? Get soda? Going to be a scorcher, apparently.

No fun, no more.

Having visions of loveliness anyway, kind of melancholy ones, but all the same.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Was meaning to leave work a bit early, something came up, left a bit late instead, made dinner in daze, left a bit frazzled.

Read a bit of children's book, went out to get coffee & gas, should probably get back to children's book, playing with computer instead, feeling like I've spent enough of my life playing with computer.

Probably leave work a lot early tomorrow, maybe go take some snapshots.
Got hot, Peretz is very excited.

Thinking about The Bell Jar, let's see you do one thing as senselessly cruel.

Collage, déjà vu, cavalier history.

Bored silly, could probably be very amusing given the opportunity.
Walking the dog, thinking about snapshots, cultivating the idea of multiplicity, trying to see things as they are.

"A million people on one string?
And all their manner in the thing"

Always reminds me of Dr. Seuss.

One New Year's some friends of mine & I read that poem aloud in my bedroom in Nashville. Later conversation with one of them, after they had hurt each other, in her bedroom in Brooklyn, about film, my interest in movies without people in them, her lack of interest in same, clocks, automata, movie cameras, time & machines, the simulation of life.

Tick tock.

"I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself."

There's a place in France.

Endless signs, funny, sticks & stones may break my bones, but whips & chains excite me.

Senior netizen.
Everything's moving slowly.

Frustrating time at work, waiting for things to arrive, people to do things, information, imagine all that will come at once & things will become very hectic, annoying, typical.

Worried about things I can't do anything about, also typical.

Out of time, repetition, repetition.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Car seems to be fixed, got a/c in the window w/o too much damage to self, got covered in filth, to be expected, hands hurt, but skin seems unbroken. Going to make some soup from a jar & grilled cheese sandwiches then settle into children's book.

T just arrived, feeling poorly, apparently.

OK, soup, sandwich.
Just got word that my farm share starts week after next, sounds like they're off to a slow start due to the late spring, greens, radishes & the like, probably best to ease into it in any case. Pretty excited.

P managed to wrap himself quite thoroughly around some saplings, got covered in actual bugs, eager to visit with their imaginary cousins, untangling him.

Off to reapply nose to grindstone, love & kisses.
Feeling really funny today, a thing that's been happening a lot lately is that I'll have most of the physiological effects of a panic attack with no actual panic, it's very strange, anyway, emotionally/psychologically AOK, pretty swell actually, but shaking, feel like I'm covered in bugs, heart racing, etc.

Try very hard to do the right thing by people, sometimes it doesn't work out, it's upsetting, but I'm dealing with it. It's better if I can keep an eye on my feelings & motives and worry less about errors of judgement, it's difficult, but I'm getting better at it.

Really beautiful out, going to go poke around in the woods with P for a bit, have an outing to do for work later, soak up some more sunshine, pretty nice.
Forgot to mention that most of the little purple flowers in my back yard were run over by a lawnmower, maybe I'm getting better at forgetting painful things, or at least forgetting to mention them.

Just got handed an escapist novel for youth, day's looking better & better.
Apparently going to be in the 90s tomorrow, should therefore probably install air conditioner in living room this evening, none too delighted at prospect, heavy, sharp.

When people are too busy acting crazy to be humane & decent, it's tempting to try to pick up the slack for them, in the same way that one might pick up groceries for a friend too sick to go out. It's a deeper analogy than one might think, proper food, humane behavior, both necessities of a beautiful life. Unfortunately, it's not really possible, people really need to have their own empathy. Strong desires can be so confusing, sorry, clearing things up with myself bit by bit.

Wondering what's up with my car, should call mechanic.

Trying to live a beautiful life is pretty much all that's left to us, don't always succeed, left with abyss. Peace & love, kids.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Went to see some of that music, late to start, nice talking to people, didn't hang around too long after it started, part I stayed for was pretty nice. Got a big bottle of Vitamin Water on the walk home, refreshing.

Talking about momentous doings with T, a bit stressful, not too bad, just a bit.

Half watching Children of Men, sleepy, should go to bed, Peretz is loudly demanding attention, urrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Sounds like car repairs are going to be pretty minor, refrigerant, oxygen sensor, hopefully that'll sort it out & can get back to worrying about existential issues, you know, the profound stuff. Also more gummi bears for me, huzzah.

Was told of music happening in town shortly while on longish postwork stroll with Peretz, same helpful party also fed P a peanut. Garden of delights.

Hmm, more food?
Slow & laborious drive to/from Amherst for work, dropped car off at shop on way back, maybe it'll get fixed.

Pain in lower back now, sad old man.

Another lovely day, not as beautiful as you, dear.

A shivering mass of tics, for your entertainment.
Having an interesting time watching the word 'griefer' move from gaming into general usage, still mostly used in online contexts, but great potential there, you heard it here first, etc., etc.

Feeling less drugged today, wonder if that's a plus.

Peretz is on a bug hunt, moth, I think.
Living well is the best revenge. True enough, but what if you're not interested in revenge?

Have a chill.

Peretz really wants out, not awake enough yet to take him, need a shower.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Picture of the "Tennessee Waltz", think it may now be the "Wave Swinger" at Lake Compounce, how far we've come.

Here, enjoy a "virtual ride" on the majestic Wave Swinger, kind of nauseating, actually.
Clouds like brushstrokes or aurora, hazy crescent moon.

Broke out the last of the Orange Dry soda, may move on to harder stuff shortly, tea, cocoa.

My mom didn't appreciate being reminded of the Barrel of Fun, told her about the time my dad had to staunch a cut on his hand with a tampon at Disney World to take her mind off it.

Skee Ball, damn.

Hell, fucking hell.

Damn damn damn.

Remember the night & the Tennessee Waltz.

There was a swing ride called that at Opryland, across from the Skee Ball.

Tiltin' Hilton, Angle Inn.

Wonder if my mom ever fell down in there.
Made fried rice with kale, very tasty, was very hungry, still kind of hungry, had some rugelach.

Reading about Kot Matroskin. Peretz wants to meet him, also Pif.

Feet still hurt, heart not so much, too tired.

Could use a drink.

Could be sitting in Tunnel Bar discussing Gore Dival, pity people lack sense, more of a pity for them than me, of course, better not to lose sight of that. Been feeling a bit dull, still plenty quick.

Witz ist Zweck an sich.
Cyclist, pointing down Pleasant Street, "There's a giant bear & cub over there, it's crazy!"

Peretz really wanted to go visit, challenging to drag him away.

So, exciting goings on.

Fucking exhausted, tired of feeling sad, tired of things generally.

Really need to have my car looked at, remembered to renew my registration this time around anyway.

Responsible adult.
Feeling like somebody slipped me a Mickey, tempting to curl up under my desk.

Slept pretty badly I guess, had quite a lot of caffeine, was even given some mate while out on a job, twitchy, but still drifting off.

Exchanging emails with T re: the devaluation of all values, funny how it still comes as a surprise to people. Would like to work some more kindness & safety into my life, no big ideas as to how to go about that, too fucked up for big ideas.

Feeling pretty nuts.
Someday I'm going to murder the bugler.

Shakily drinking coffee.

Heart hurts.

Wasn't a very relaxing weekend overall, will get one in eventually.

Feet hurt.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Tried to go to bed, didn't work out too well, persistent loud banging from neighbors, heart going nuts, call from my mom who finally noticed I sent her graphic for paper retouched to specifications, simultaneous call from T saying she wouldn't be home till late, more erratic heart, finally got up & poured myself a bit of the Old Krupnik, we'll see if that helps, doubtful. Time in dark helped with headache at any rate.

OK, gonna give it another shot.
Tired, head hurts, waiting for T to get home from wherever she went off to, twitchy eye, should maybe just go to bed.

Thinking about vanished possibilities with regret, crying a bit, big sissy.

Should maybe just go to bed.

Miss her.
Interesting outside, clear, calm, cool, sunny, dire looking rain clouds over the range. Peretz & I spent some time watching a very tiny bird struggling to fly carrying a very large crumpled napkin.

Clear, calm, cool, sunny, fits me to a T.

Had a peanut butter & jelly sandwich, what's next?
Turned into a really lovely day, would be tempting to go do things in the nature were it not so mosquitoy from the rain earlier. Got some dishes done, got healthful & nutritious groceries, did crosswords, lazy day.

Just found a dead mosquito in my hair.

Time, devourer of children.

Insane screaming from across the street, should really move.
Rough night last night, heart racing, disoriented, overtired, afraid to go to sleep, nightmares of surprising intensity, been roughly handled, not like I don't invite it- really, have got a little list of people welcome to mistreat me if it seems necessary, hammer blows to head came straight from the number one spot, so if you get the impression I'm complaining, you're mistaken, no complaints at all actually, just an attempt at accurate description for robotic antiquarians, hi guys, wish you were here.

Caffeinating in preparation for household chores.

My mom is funny, she was telling me the other day that she'd like to send a thoughtful gift to hammer wielder, warned her off, we're a lot alike.

'Bloody Hammer' really does have pretty amazing lyrics-

"The baby ghost says
Beat it with your chain
The baby ghost says
Drag your chain away, Dr. O'Chane"-

Can't beat it.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Peretz had close encounter with oppossum by the trash cans, made him very excited, actively tried to dislocate my shoulder for rest of walk, got me thinking about Pogo, really amazingly well-drawn strip.

WEBS tent sale appears to be on again, wonder if there'll be llamas.

Changed into pjs, trying to relax, some very nasty things going on in head & heart, head all spun around, heart broken, usual business, sorry to bore.

One lonely boy.

Complex feelings I can't really talk about, just kind of trace around the edges, chalk outline.
Went & got more gummi bears, healthy body, healthy mind.

Been trying to figure out just how debilitated I am, going out & socializing is a good way to check, it seems pretty bad. It's all relative, of course, baseline is also pretty bad, it's a lot worse right now, though. I have a new tendency to kind of fade out, I don't like it at all. Other strange things happen. I wonder if it's ever going to go away.

Oh well, every day a new challenge, counting myself lucky.
Promised multimedia-



More comprehensive photographic documentation of trip here.
Home again, hippity hop.

Uploading multimedia documentation of brief trip to various services, will probably put some of it here later.

Midway through driving home through scarily dense traffic, called by T complaining of same.

Was a pretty dreary, drizzly day to be at the botanical garden, kept the crowds down anyway. Enjoyed riding around on buses, one had had its inside power washed & not been dried, wet seats, smell of cleaning solution. Every time I go to New York, it seems weirder & more pointless, the more pointless it seems, the more affection I feel for the place.

Anyway, trip was no walking on deserted beach holding hands, but it was pretty alright.

Peretz is curled up beneath my legs, glad I'm home.
Coffee, cheesecake, watching 80s music videos, may go to the botanical gardens.

Being in city is interfering with my cutting back on smoking, oh well, won't be here long.

Strange things going on with me, hard to describe, not much point trying.
Had kind of a lot to drink last night, that was interesting.

Henry's new cat is a terror, very amusing.

Waiting for coffee.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Walking around in the Bronx, long staircases, got snack mixes, cheesecake & c. Paella is being cooked, eating Marcona almonds, thinking about Europa, vinho verde, excessive desserts, unpleasant scenes.

Weird to be away from home.

Guests have arrived.
Arrived at destination, either everything is tiny or I'm very far away. Drive was pretty relaxed, a bit of streaking on windshield from pine tree deposits.

Watching cats.

Parking was no problem.
Letting my new phone, which I continue, by the way, to rather dislike, pick up a bit of a charge before driving off in my dodgy car, gathering miniature electronics likely to be useful away from home, toothbrush, pjs, etc.

Lovely day for a drive.

Realize, apart from indoctrination session in Boston, haven't been out of the valley since New Year's. Widening my sad little round for once, encouraging, maybe.

Drizzly, cold.
Chill morn, dwelling on things, one has to dwell somewhere, I suppose.

"One is tempted to believe that the creature once had some sort of intelligible shape and is now only a broken-down remnant. Yet this does not seem to be the case; at least there is no sign of it; nowhere is there an unfinished or unbroken surface to suggest anything of the kind; the whole thing looks senseless enough, but in its own way perfectly finished. In any case, closer scrutiny is impossible, since Odradek is extraordinarily nimble and can never be laid hold of."

My poor, aborted book group- do me a favor, read 'The Burrow' & don't talk to anyone about it.

Going to go take care of a few things at work shortly, then drive far away, something I'm good at.

Transitive, intransitive, ambiguity, humor.

File under.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Watching sped up helmet cam video of bike ride through Westchester rather than reading novel, have actually made some weekend plans, freaky.

Peppermint tea with honey.

Not sure why compression artifacts speak to me so, but, boy, do they ever.
Thinking again about the ongoing & widespread polemic against people expressing affection for their pets on the web, years ago, it was personal homepages with animated gifs of scotty dogs singled out for scorn, now it's blogs with endless tiresome details of people's lives, with the doings of pets singled out as the paradigm of irrelevance. I think what gets under people's skin the most, the unforgivable sin, is people appearing to care more about anything than they care about how they appear to others.

Peretz is going nuts in the basement. Now he's walking back & forth squeaking.

People's contempt, their matters of significance, it's all crap.

P's finally gotten around to eating his breakfast.

Wish I were out showing somebody a good time, storm's coming, staying in with novel instead.
Happy naptime interrupted by call from work, easy thing to fix, in the 30 minutes I was asleep ominous clouds appeared, feel drugged.

Wondering what makes profound & enduring affection so scary, I've never found it so, maybe if I was exposed to more of it, I'd start to see its sinister side. Babe in the woods, that's me.

Irony, eat your carrots.
Moving through molasses, maybe get some Chinese lunch see if we can't get it thinned out to sorghum levels at least, really, slow fucking motion, got close to enough sleep, wonder if that's behind it, not what I'm used to, certainly.

Out of gummi bears, shit.

Shit shit shit.

Hugs & kisses.
A purely verbal exercise, a screen, easy enough to peek behind, not even an old humbug there, tracings on a mirror, left by steam. Echo chamber, somber, mean.

Thinking about my mom falling down in the Barrel of Fun. Let be be finale of seem.

Everything falls away, everything in its place.

A little to the left.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Got coffee, made tricolor fusilli with spinach, white beans, garlic, very tasty.

Talking to my mom about German Chocolate Cake ice cream, Falwell Campari ad, etc. Decadent sins will reap discipline.

Tempting to just go to bed.
Drowned world, sodden feet, 'Take a Chance on Me' stuck in my head.

Thinking about what to make for dinner. Need to get coffee, don't feel like going to store.

Peckish, cartoonish, batty but sweet.

Waiting for farm share, listening to the rain.
Am I am the only one who the sheer fact of NPR makes feel that we're living in an SSR the day Brezhnev died? Every official version of community stupider than the last, joyless, mindless, Saint-Saëns, Fresh Air (tempting to spell that with a final 'e').

Feeling a lot better the past few days, lets the hatred of things flow more freely.

It's weird to feel like people know you & have events prove they don't at all, don't know what they're missing, the simps.
Ran home in downpour to shut windows, walk dog, we're both very wet. Risk of tornadoes, apparently.

Waiting to dry off a bit before returning to work, mite chilly in server room today.

Had some hot soup, hearty multigrain bread, P's having a garlic doggie bagel.

Feeling odd.
Half awake, dodging mud spattered earth moving equipment, swarmed by mosquitos, threading our way through what I'm fairly sure was Field Day setup, beauty peeking around the corners of things, bring me my arrows of desire.

Ear hurts, saturnine, endless work week.

Talking about being totally conscious, responsibility, relations between what one does & what one is, etc. with T, would probably help if I were totally conscious.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Mold allergy, dramatic cloud formations, distant lightning, Peretz eagerly trying to dislocate my shoulder. Same old, same old.

Sticky air, bleh.

People are ridiculous. Me too.

Bad case of general semiosis.
Fox's wedding, some devil luckier than me, all part of the comedy, best wishes.

Short-lived but amazingly large & intense rainbow over the range, no screeching tires or breaking glass, close one, oughta be a law.

Found a tick on P, removed it & applied antitick measures.

Eau de wet dog, coming soon to a store near you. Hope it works out better than last year's 'Glandular Expressions' line, the basement's still full of crates of the stuff.
Campaign of being nicer to myself off to a reasonable start, actually ate some lunch on my, admittedly late, lunch break, decided to cut back dramatically on smoking with an eye to maybe stopping altogether at some point, doing better at not feeling responsible for other peoples' repulsive behavior. Helps a lot for me to face the fact that I can easily feel extremely fond of people while still finding a lot of what they do asinine, childish & pointlessly cruel.

OK, back to work.
Need to get some better coffee, this organic Mexican's missing something, wonder what.

Interestingly textured overcast sky, sweeping sinusoidal underbelly changing in appearance radically with angle of view, other parts chaotic, wispy, sun about to burn through. Kind of chilly, supposed to be quite warm later, strange days.

Thinking about Blazin' Saddles, Bart holding himself hostage.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Longish sunset walk into town alone, longer twilight walk through woods with P, moving around felt good, feet are a little hurty now, that's AOK. Trying different things to adjust brain chemistry, long walks are definitely helpful, may look into some scotch next. Maybe a mixture of the two.

Poor sick bird.
If we could do everything as well as we do ice cream & pizza, things would be fantastic. Even mediocre ice cream, pizza- pretty damn good. Most things, 99% crap.

Wishing I had another Swedish police procedural, was a nice distraction.

Maybe a walk in what's left of the sunshine.
Spacey, tingly, eyes darting about, restless feet.

Looking out high, distant window at the light in the trees.

Discussing my inability to remember street names, the extent of it is pretty comical.

Wish I were thinking more clearly.
Thinking about trying to get in the habit of being nicer to myself, may start by taking to sorting my socks, save myself a bit of confusion each morning, have plenty of other confusions.

Also trying to just accept that I'm not going to sleep properly anymore & stop worrying about it.

Brisk morning, good for thinking.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

PB & J, apple cider, did the dishes, dutiful little Hausfrau, dishpan hands. Played a little with Peretz, about to get back to my Swedish murder mystery, body found without head, hands or feet, wrapped in a carpet, in a ditch.

Feeling a little better, long road ahead.

Take things too seriously, maybe.

Verde que te quiero verde.
Grandes estrellas de escarcha,
vienen con el pez de sombra
que abre el camino del alba.
La higuera frota su viento
con la lija de sus ramas,
y el monte, gato garduño,
eriza sus pitas agrias.
¿Pero quién vendrá? ¿Y por dónde...?
Ella sigue en su baranda,
verde carne, pelo verde,
soñando en la mar amarga.

Lots of folks get left in ditches, no big deal.
Driven to grocery store by desire for gummi bears, got some other stuff as well, nothing else as critical to a balanced diet. Finding the pineapple ones intriguing today.

Sunday seems to have become reliably the worst day of the week, always a challenge to get through it.

Spent some time talking to my mom, she's concerned about me, go figure.
Upset stomach, want another nervous system- well, not really sure how gross betrayals of trust affect people less prone to overproducing adrenaline, maybe it's even worse, in any case, it's me I have to put up with being. Trying to do that.

Purely imaginary bugbear, it's a funny thing to be, can't say I care much for it.

Despite feeling rotten, it's another amazingly beautiful day &, to the best of my knowledge, the woman I love remains alive, so things are pretty good overall.

Wonder if frost tonight will bring mass extermination to the bugs that are suddenly everywhere.
Listening to 'When Emily Cries', good old Dan Treacy. So much pain, so much pain. She'll never love again.

Main wash of panic appears to be over with, still very jittery, having some coffee.

Had some lovely dreams.

Woke early in a panic again, wish that would stop happening, doesn't seem likely to.

Happy Mother's Day.
Went & caught some of that music, they've got a smoke machine at Eagle's now that makes my eyes hurt, wasn't that into anything, felt like being curled up in a ball crying, came home where that's more appropriate.

P was very glad to see me, guess that's something.

Eyes still itch, damn.

OK, back to ball.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Apparently Schmetterlingen were just the beginning, now there's a mosquito in the house. Arise!

Got me thinking about Edward Gorey poem "The Insect God", made a big impression on me as a child.

"They stunned her, and stripped off her garments, and lastly
They stuffed her inside a kind of a pod;
And then it was that Millicent Frastley
Was sacrificed to The Insect God."

Good stuff.

Can't decide about going to see music, a bit wiped out from work and walking around a lot, but maybe a very full day would make a nice change.
Done with work requiring physical presence, doing laundry, walking with dog, observing from afar.

Some of the little purple flowers I spoke of:


Peretz smelling things, rustic backdrop:


Nice to get out in the sunshine, feeling very affectionate.

Really, all of a sudden, they're everywhere, tiny white ones mostly. Peretz was chasing some earlier, such joy, quite something.

Pal's server room A/C's fixed, only killed one server apparently, motherboard cooked.

Really need to squeeze in some more time outside, perfect Spring day.
Empty but not hollow, mean what I say, will back it up with action if allowed.

Farmers' market still very limited.

Work, work, work.

Still hard to grasp being misunderstood so badly, brains are funny. Not to knock anybody, mine's pretty funny too, keep waking in the middle of the night shaking. Like ha ha funny.

OK, back to work.
Got the more fiddly web site stuff done anyway, need to go to work soon, do the rest later. Really lovely, cool day, could do without spending time under fluorescents, not complaining, bring it on myself. Hoping there won't be a bunch of people in working, makes everything a lot more time consuming, seems to be increasingly the case lately.

Sysadmin pal has just been telling me how the A/C is broken in his server room & temps had gotten as high as 108, so it could be worse and, in fact, is.

Maybe I'll go check out the farmer's market before work.
Waking up early on the weekend, just dreadful. Some day I'll catch up on sleep.

Reading about events, both in general and a musical one happening around the corner tonight.

Should do some web site maintenance.

Empty, divided. Easy terms.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Walked to town, watched some of the rush hour traffic, always cheers me up. Sat in the park, had a Vitamin Water, picked up some Thomas De Quincey & Pizza, settling in for some escapist scifi TV.

Would rather be playing Skee Ball.
Feeling really disgusted with the quality of my writing lately, had pretty much all the fancy beaten out of me, while the beatings were ongoing there was an amusing element of hysteria at least, now it's just blah. Thinking about packing it in, finding something else to do in spare moments.

Bit of a shell of my former self, sorry.
Interesting post-rain weather, balmy, wide variety of smells in the air.

Should eat some lunch & start in on another book.

Awfully sleepy.
As usual, light rain changed over to downpour at maximum distance from home, Peretz & I are both quite wet.

Spent most of walk thinking about bureaucratic aspects of IT budgeting. It's a funny situation in a lot of ways, two interesting ones: the people making budgetary decisions understand even less than they usually do about what they're deciding about, the people making budgetary decisions are generally in a position to have policy exceptions and special efforts made for them that conceal problems with infrastructure.

Feel better for having spent hours reading yesterday, nice work if you can get it.
Dreamt that the house was flooded, weird giant bubbles in the carpet, shirt soaked in blood.

Stayed up quite late reading, woke early, light rain outside, maybe thunderstorms later.

Eyes hurt.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Well stocked with biscuits, garlic doggie bagels, 19th Hole, Snow's Ginger ice cream, etc. Took a long walk with Peretz through the thick night air heavy with floral notes, P very excited to find an opening in the fence around the Senior Citizens' Center, disappointed at lack of Senior Citizens within.

I'm a little flower, I'm nothing.

Thinking about reading some more, there are currents of very powerful love doing strange things inside me, wondering if it's going to fix me or break me more, probably some of both.

Peretz is beside me, panting. Hot day.
Peretz needs biscuits, thinking about heading over to Dave's Soda and Pet Food City. One of the first things that appealed to me about this area when arriving here for school was the presence of a Soda and Pet Food City, another was Stan the Vegetable Man. Stan's gone now, should come up with something to replace him.

Terribly lonely, no easy fix.

OK, soda, pet food, etc.
Spent a good long time reading, should do more of that, try to be less reality-based generally. Seems to work for other folks.

Vast array of tiny purple flowers in back yard, wish I were one of them.

Instead, a desolation.

Oh, well.
Hiding in basement with laptop & book, listening to music I haven't listened to in a long time, pretty nice.

Not used to the hot, it's made me pretty sleepy. Sleepy monster in basement.
Bit of a scorcher, may spend most of the day hiding in the basement.

Realized I've been at work some of every day for something like the past 20, should get better at not doing that, it makes me feel crazy.

But I'm not really.

Had some fish 'n' chips.
Gray day, woke very early very agitated, couldn't make myself get up, sleepy & tense, unpleasant.

Managed to read an actual book for a while last night, going to try to do more of that.

Really tired of feeling fucked up.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Mmm, peach pie.

Itchy nose.

Sleepy, hungry.

Ammonia leak in Hatfield.

BBC Mystery.

World's going down the tubes, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Astoundingly kitschy patriotic country song blaring from trailer parked in neighbor's driveway.

Just googled some of the lyrics, apparently it was 'Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue (The Angry American)' by Toby Keith.

The part I was exposed to while walking by:

"Now this nation that I love has fallen under attack.
A mighty sucker punch came flying in from somewhere in the back.
Soon as we could see clearly through our big black eye,
Man we lit up your world like the Fourth of July.

Hey Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list,
And the Statue of Liberty started shaking her fist. "

Should probably liquify a Phil Ochs CD and inject it or something.
Amusing myspace spam I got today:

"If the story an ex posted, David, on theexbook dot com is real, then in my opinion, its not right. I actually took my own time through a link to find you and tell you that I think its not right to treat someone that way when love was involved. Was it love? What was it?

Good luck in the dating world - hopefully this experience will result in better decision making. If what an ex wrote is not true or this is not you, then I apologize for this message. But my ethics may be different than your own. I just wanted to share my point of view, people deserve to be treated with respect, honesty, and loyalty. The site does have a rebuttal section but no rebuttals were made, so either it was not cared about or unknown. "

I'll save you the trouble of giving these fine people your credit card information to find the dirt on me- "dbr: Steer clear! Psycho! Tries to talk about feelings, may make occasional cutting remarks."

The repeated 'its not right' reminds me of a woman T & I sat behind at the South Park movie, kept saying 'that's just not right' about stuff like Satan whipping out dildoes, no idea what she was doing there.
Got very large amount done at work early in the day, was left feeling pretty addled, extreme warmth outside doesn't help much, should probably go immerse myself.

Working on a new attitude, one that's less bother, challenging, have all sorts of good reasons for being how I am, working on better reasons for being different.

Feel like reading, think I'm probably too addled.
Interesting earthy smells outside, smashed adolescent mouse on trail in the woods, angry scotty dog.

Not always kindest to think people are doing the best they can, consider the case of having a higher opinion of someone than they have of themselves, people often do shitty things out of a mistaken sense of their own limitations.

Really a lovely morning, been so many lately, still not popping awake at the break of dawn eager for beauty, but slowly getting better at appreciating it.

Wonder when farm share starts.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Made some pierogis, savory varieties this time, not as refreshingly decadent as the fruit types, hearty peasant food for hearty peasant stock.

Darling, I'm bored.

See, dialectical.

Again, tempting to just go to bed.
That 1/2 gf / 1/2 l's powerful stuff, finally did some dishes, should probably stick to the Pale Dry Ginger Ale... & memories (violin plays).

Really, fuck that, people have fucked with & hurt me, been stupid enough to think I'd be stupid enough to want to hurt them back, just not me, just dealing with it.

Being amazingly philosophical today, I know some of you hate that, your loss, babe.

Really, your loss.
Drinking the last of my stock of half grapefruit/half lemon soda, very refreshing, should probably go get more soon.

Getting very sleepy, stop waving that watch in my face.

Strangely warm out.

Finally getting around to feeling a bit pissed about being mistreated, hard to sort out the sick from the self-indulgent, but I'm pretty sure a good deal of the second was involved. Anyway, a mixture of the two is probably inevitable, I'm not all that worked up about it, imagine when one is quite ill, one tends to get accustomed to a lot of indulgence from self & others. Certainly not knocking indulgence as such, could've used a bit myself.

Still a bit pissed.
Remembered that I'd forgotten to renew Peretz's license, thanking my lucky stars, such as they are, that he managed to get through April without getting pulled over or having another accident. A bit reckless, but a fine dog.

Highly demanding visitors at work, nice being elsewhere.

Ate an avocado.
Home for a bit, just had a piece of peach pie, drinking some coffee.

Feeling pretty weird.

Peretz is giving me mournful looks.

Spent some time driving around on an errand of work, driving's good for thinking, glad I haven't been driving much.
Listening to Marquee Moon, another beautiful day, went walking in the woods with Peretz, wish I were doing more of that. The hum of the servers and fluorescents beckons.

Everyone, including me, felt very protective of everyone else, no one, including me, felt very protective of me. Results unsurprising.

Yeah, I know, get over it.
Slept very lightly, sometimes lately it's hard to tell if I slept at all, suppose I must have. Feeling a bit shaky.

Dog wants out quite badly, getting myself together to tend to that.

All this work over the weekend is disrupting my sense of time pretty badly, didn't need any more disrupting.

Endless camping.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Sushi was nice, two glum chums, people we like don't talk to us.

Don't know what the plant that grows in the field by the paper is that so excites Peretz, but this time of year he really enjoys ripping it with his teeth & rolling in it. Also he found a bagel, going nuts in the basement now.

Destruction is our method.

Should probably just go to bed.
Peretz just caused amusing disruption of surprisingly populous peaceable kingdom of blackbirds & squirrels in back yard, sudden running & flying in all directions, pretty good humored, it seemed.

Neither T nor I seem in much of a festive mood, going out for some festive sushi.
Slowly developing a more charitable attitude to human weakness, if your friends can't treat you like shit due to their emotional limitations/problems, who can? Anyway, feeling more able to welcome getting kicked in the face. C'mon, hurt me some more.

Perfect transparency, perfect submission. Things to work on. Maybe come up with some new purification rituals.
Pouring over endless logs, mail, thinking about ethics as a luxury item.

Having trouble keeping my eyes focused. What kind of vrai chevalier can't keep focused? Crap, I believe I've failed you, madame.

Punishment, reward.

Writing little poems in my head, one of these days I'll be happy with one of them.
Broken glass all over the place this morning, dragging P away from it over & over, picked up a b-relaxed Vitamin Water, haha.

Walking him just before bed last night, had a very intense & prolonged déjà vu about things that haven't happened and aren't going to, left me in a bit of a state, damaged beyond repair.

P just ate his breakfast, he thinks everything's OK, maybe it is.
Went to bed quite early, slept restlessly, weird dreams.

Feel more awake today anyway.

Have a Subway Sect song stuck in my head. I've lived a long, long time in a forced enclave, etc., etc.

Chapped lips.

Pointless. Should start a club or something.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Really want to be in the dark, curled in a ball most of the time.

Not sure I'm really doing myself any favors not just doing that.

Time was, that's exactly what I would be doing, it was pretty OK.

Things are different now.
Loving somebody very much, desperately wanting her to be OK and happy and having her decide that something she needed to be OK and happy was to have nothing at all to do with me, well, it's been very difficult and painful. Doesn't mean I don't want her to be OK and happy, far from it. Hope she is, thinking she might be makes it a lot easier to deal with all the pain & stuff, doesn't make it go away.

Feel funny, chills, terribly sad.

Peretz just came to sit with me.
Didn't manage nap, did spend some time alone in the dark, resting, thinking thoughts.

Wish things were different.
Everything's in slow motion. Went to town to buy coffee, watched the kids bounce a ball off the History of Women in Northampton mural for a while, thwak, thwak.

Thinking about nap.
Having a hard time waking up, got plenty of sleep for once, maybe that's why.

Show last night was pretty neat, smoke machine made my eyes hurt, got recruited to fix a laptop in the midst of the first set and couldn't pay attention to most of it, saw some people I hadn't seen in quite some time.

Brisk & windy this morning, need to go over to work & check on things more, need to get coffee & filters. All about what I need, why can't I consider what you need?

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Went over to Hampshire to check out Lauren's Div III show, it's very nice, very consistent wolfman theme. Got there before people were there, went away & looked at trees for a while, came back and looked some more & talked to some people. Nicer in an empty gallery.

Drove home into a devastating sunset, column of fire into low-hanging clouds, pink to orange smoky tendrils. Less tiny & hurt, more apocalyptic, please.

Having some Orange Dry, going to walk dog, then walk down the block to rock show.

Dream conversation really helped. Thanks.
Thinking about dehumanizing abuses of power, they're pretty sad. They're pretty everywhere. Came across one where I didn't expect to, left me reeling a bit, perhaps you've noticed.

Devices still acting funnier than I'd like, well enough to get the job done, I think.

Could use some gentle treatment, not going to get any, can do without if I need to.

Could use a beverage. That's easy.
Made that flank steak, should probably do some washing up, pretty unmotivated.

Maybe will go walk around in woods with Peretz & try to get less so.

Been very badly used by someone I thought would have the sense & decency not to do that, that's a fact & it's a drag, but I'm OK with it right now. Once the hurtful things people say pass certain bounds of plausibility it makes more sense to feel sorry for them than hurt, difficult, but I'm getting there.

Then, of course, there are the hurtful things people do. That's tougher.

Oh, well, hearts & flowers, kids.
Toe finally stopped hurting.

Think I've got that stuff at work working, we'll see.

Planning to go see art, music later.

Feeling strangely better than I have for quite some time, very helpful for me to talk things over calmly & sensibly, even if only with an imaginary friend.
Tiny purple flowers are out in force, birds singing.

Forgot it was Pride Day, town is outlandishly busy, farmers' market pretty much limited to herbs, cheese, maple syrup & local beef. Very happy to see that River Rock Farm remains fully operational despite untimely death of owner, got a flank steak, will broil it later, I think.

Having some more coffee, after that going to go continue my struggle to integrate new & hopefully improved devices into the work environment.
Had a very interesting dream, long conversation with person who won't speak to me, not at all expressionistic (black, red, sex, violence) like most of my dreams lately, washy, fluid, modality of the conversation kept shifting, in person, on phone, IM, email, smooth, unnoticeable transitions. Anyway, it was very helpful, not as helpful as a real one could be, some people can't be fully simulated.

I really miss talking to her.

Thinking about going into town to check out the farmers' market which I guess starts up today, imagine it'll be pretty scant, suits my mood.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Peppermint tea.

Looks to be a chilly night.

Escapist scifi TV is no longer sufficiently escapist. Want out now.

There is, of course, no way out.

Please send candy.
Ice cream trucks out in force, 'WATCH CHILDREN', 'DING DONG CART', spent some time watching squirrels play in the back yard, made some tuna and potatoes in a spicy lime sauce, spent some time wishing people had more sense.

Saw a gangly retriever puppy trip a jogger on the levee earlier, P congratulated him heartily after.

Lots of sharp, peripheral pains- ear, toe- would be nice if they'd distract from the big slow burning one in the middle of my brain, don't really.
Beautiful day, feeling empty.

Feel dumber & dumber, nothing much to say, keep doing this & other things to feel busy, chewing gum's lost its flavor.

This is pretty awful, totally worth it, still pretty awful.
Listening to 'I've Had Her', good old Phil Ochs, such a sweetie.

Just found a bit of a pine needle in my right ear, no idea how it got there.

Another beautiful day, want to go walk around, toe kind of hurts from stepstool incident, hmm.
Tiredness eventually won out over pure terror, terror kept its hand in with some disturbing dream imagery, feel a lot better for having slept.

Going to try to take it easy today, over to work in a bit to do a couple things, then spend quality time with dog.

Invalid, authentic. Easy terms.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Familiar anxiety spiral, can't stop it, probably won't sleep much. Been building up all day, gets wackier as I get sleepier. Having something that's pretty much pure suffering happen so much that it seems silly & banal has left me pretty weird, could be a good thing, isn't right now.

Everything going like clockwork that somebody hit with a hammer. Still going.

Keeping perfect time oddly enough.
Just watched the moon rise over the Holyoke Range, dirty yellow oval, slightly tilted to the left.

Hope she's OK.
Just so sad, hard to describe, probably not worth trying. Tired of this, wish I could see a way out of it.

There are some things I'm very glad about, even things I'd like to be doing, in so much pain I can't keep the things I'm glad of in mind or do much. It sucks.

But you don't, you're lovely.
Came home from work early, too tired to clean or cook, eventually walked to town & got some takeout momo & spicy yak medallions, protein is lovely, as are you.

Tempting to just fall asleep, probably not really wise or possible.

Was thinking while walking about how much continuity & consistency mean to me, just as regards myself, obviously, other people can do as they like, might find abrupt changes in others disconcerting, so what? Just because I'm all broken inside doesn't mean I need to be unreliable.

Oh, hell.
So many strange feelings, wish I understood them well enough to talk about them.

Trying to reform the Church Militant within, get back to business. It's challenging, been a bit crushed, forces in disarray. Returning to first principles, slowly reconstructing edifice, rallying the host of heaven & c.

You got it, I'm kind of nuts.

Mostly just stylistic, reasons for that, reasons for my reasons.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Easy to see how someone a lot like me only a lot more badly hurt might elicit strong protective feelings, strong feelings generally. Also easy to see how unbearable that could be.

I've been hurt pretty badly, not sure how I'd react if anybody showed strong inclinations to look after me, know how I react to mild ones, pretty resistant. Neither of us much good at being -ees.

Can't help but think we could have come to an agreeable arrangement.

Maybe not, I don't know, as I say, she's been a lot more badly hurt.

Chill in the air, full moon, feeling sublimely predatory, mind like a steel trap. So watch yourself.
Tested new phone by calling my mom, she's in Florida at a conference & spent much of the day visiting with a dying friend in a hospice. Friend can't really communicate, even by facial expression, damn sad. She was talking about how it reminded her of visiting with her mom at the nursing home, how hard it was to leave, reminded me of that too & other things.

Can't say I care that much for new phone, I'll probably get used to it, can get used to a lot.

Washes of pain keep making me forget what I am, trying to keep it in mind.
Drive to Hatfield was pretty OK as it turns out, amazing quality of light. New phone seems a bit flimsy, always resisted the flip kind, pretty much the only type one can get now.

Just had to drag Peretz away from a family of 4 turtle doves nestling together in my back yard. He says:

"The man who fears war and squats opposing
My words for stour, hath no blood of crimson
But is fit only to rot in womanish peace
Far from where worth's won and the swords clash
For the death of such sluts I go rejoicing;
Yea, I fill all the air with my music. "

We have our political disagreements, but he's a fine dog.

May walk into town to watch the light mellow, deposit check from the state.
In my inbox, "Es ist in die Hoehe treibt!", good news. Eating frozen pizza, well, it was frozen, anyway.

P is very excited about the pizza, Italian on his mother's side, apparently.

Trying to see outing to Hatfield FedEx as exciting adventure, imagination is failing, not as badly as some people's, glad of that.
Achy & exhausted, not in a bad way, lots of heavy lifting, not enough sleep.

Lovely weather we're having. Went on long excursion with P & he kept rolling in the grass for the joy of it, too inhibited to do same, working on it.

All sorts of tiny cuts on my fingers, even one on a toe from blearily walking into a stepstool last night.

Going to try to take it easy on the work for the rest of the week, the better to divert you, my dears.

Thinking about the evil queen from Barbarella, something to aspire to, pretty pretty.
Out of work early, special rewards for special people.

Need to go by FedEx later, got a new phone, all aquiver.

Feeling a bit unreal.
For the first time in ages, close my eyes & everything's fine. Unrequited love is more me anyway.

Should probably be asleep, not sleepy.

Darkness can be a blanket.

Hugs & kisses.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

It's started to rain, thinking about falling asleep here on the couch by the window, the better to hear it.

Yeah, big bad wolf, sniffin' around, sniffin' around. Christ, the stupidity.

Speaking of that, watched a bit of PBS documentary about the Mormons, got some members of a splinter sect somewhere up the family tree, put the bat in batshit, sealed in an eternal family, what could be better? White faces always haunt me so beautifully.

T puts me to shame when it comes to proper May Day festivity, she says:

Все говорят- Первомай, Первомай,
Красные тряпки и демонстрации,
А у меня уж 15 лет
По этому поводу другие ассоциации.

То была, безусловно, с первого взгляда-
Большая и чистая.
Ну кто устоит пред глазищами карими
И кудрями этими золотистыми?

Но дело, конечно, не в кудрях,
И мы все про это знаем,
А в том, что родилось ЧУДО
В Киеве первого Мая.

И к счастью, с тем чудом глазастым
Мне выпало пересечение.
Да, мне повезло ужасно,
Вот оно, люди, везение.

Старший брат- замечательно,
Ну что еще нужно девчонке?
А тут вам, пожалуйста, появляется
Лучшая в мире сестренка.

Машите флажками, трудящиеся,
Салюты пусть небо взрывают.
А я объявляю, товарищи,
днем Жеки первое Мая.
Stuck in my head for weeks:

"I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
Across the Irish Sea,
I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
It's the only thing for me.

I've tried walking sideways,
And walking to the front,
But people just look at me,
And say it's a publicity stunt.

I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
To prove that I love you."

Happens now & again.

Can't believe how much work I've done this week, especially given I was out sick yesterday, it's perverse.

Not as perverse as some things, some lovely, some lousy, making some secret lists, checking them twice.
Finally got home, got through day without nausea, have a nasty headache though, comparatively benign.

Dog wants out, attention, etc.

T brought me some dinner, nice.

Happy memories are neat, lovely rush of them.

OK, OK, out with dog.
Got called back into work immediately on arriving home to help deal with a problem with Classifieds, there now waiting to see that they get it out OK, playing with the RAID in our bent server. Getting pretty hungry. No problem too small, no question too stupid.

T went over to a pal's after work, hope Peretz is doing OK.
New server arrived with bent chassis, very annoying. Big day for cabling & lifting & such at work, kind of a nice change.

Need to go buy some nine volt batteries.

Feel a bit better this morning, walked dog without getting dizzy, etc. Hope it'll last.

Workers of the world, unite & all that.

Lots of stuff to do, nice.

Like Cat says, "I love my dog as much as I love you, but you may fade, my dog will always come through." Truer words & c.