For a very long time, my entire adult life basically, I've had very little in the way of purpose beyond the uses to which certain others choose to put me. I guess I'd always found the world pretty difficult & discouraging, then some things happened that made me feel that way a lot more strongly and what I managed to work out for myself was that there were some people I really cared about & I should stick around & try to do what they want.
It's hard for me to understand how one of those people, knowing that, could make use of me in the way she has. Understand an awful lot of things with terrible clarity, having a hard time understanding that, no complaints about it really, just don't understand it.
Anyway, it's making me feel pretty sad right now. That appears to be one of the things expected of me, actually. Very reliable.