Ended up making dense, eggy pancakes with fried apples with Calvados, T ate some, feel better about that, anyway. Peretz keeps wanting to go out, doesn't like it that much once out in the rain, it's very wet, I'm wet, he's wet.

Horrible pain in my stomach, not like T's, all nerves.

Never been this sad for this long, no idea how long it will last, really. It seems like it's getting better, then it doesn't, actually seems to be getting worse in some ways. Stupid, hate lacking control over myself this much, stupid, stupid, stupid.