Heartsick, changing, but not getting better. Was feeling so much stronger & better, that's gone and has left me feeling permanently ill. Having a hard time standing it, nothing to do about it. I've never missed anyone so badly, interesting in a way, makes me feel like I had some good reasons for being so fucking stupid, a really surprising depth of feeling. It's very real and I've fallen into it, imagine whenever I hit the bottom, it's going to hurt, might be better than this vertigo.