Got invited on outing to Holyoke Mall A.C. Moore crafts store, turns out store has moved from one end of the mall to the other, while we were walking through the mall, the fire alarms went off, slow, high-pitched oscillations, no one paid any attention to them, made being in the mall much more bearable. Went to a Dairy Queen near Westover after, appears Chicopee teens are a lot more sullen & disaffected than Northampton teens. Made me think about some statistics my friend Adam told me about relative rates of sexual abuse of children from military and nonmilitary families at the alternative youth detention camp where he worked, can't remember the exact figures, apart from the rate for girls from military families at the facility being 100%. Here, why not look at some pictures taken with a cell phone to take your mind off what I just said.

Finally managed to fit purchasing makings of tomato sandwiches into my busy schedule, they're quite good.

Looming relatively extensive free time filling me with panic, well, not filling really, more just adding an edge to my normal unpleasant mood, it'll be fine, who needs to have emotionally satisfying relationships with others anyway?

Peretz is stalking a small moth.

You are lost in a maze of streets, all alike. [n, s, e, w] >

Listening to 'The Hurdy Gurdy Man', the album, not just the song. Actually may be something to this idea of it containing secret messages just for me, I'll do my best to obey them, watch out.

Work schedule is taking a trip to Bizarro planet, head may look strangely blocky next you see me, may act erratically, etc.

Oh, tell me stories of your homeland, I've got a watermelon we can share.
The rosy assemblage is trying to kill us, my dear.
What are those sores beneath your arms?
Oh, rosy assemblage, beware, beware.

How does a robot differ from a zombie?
Do you know what I'm getting at? Dance steps, Jack.
Why are we so crumbly?
Delicious, warm & freshly baked.

Went out for a last sleepy walk with the dog & people were screaming & hitting each other on a high balcony of the apartment building across the street. All the stupidity and sadness is a bit much. Thought about calling the cops, not much of a one for calling the cops, by the time I got back from walk, five police cars were lined up in front of the building, hope nobody's dead.

Nightmares are better than some drunk asshole beating the shit out of me, I guess. Maybe I'll go get some bread so I can make a tomato sandwich. Maybe tomorrow, too tired.

Sandwich, sandwich,
tomato sandwich,
sing me your tomato song.
The beatings, unceasing,
mutilation, terror,
sing me your tomato song.

Please stop hurting yourselves & each other, love you folks, sleep tight.

Spacing out with help of IM, occasional flashes of rage, feel like I've taken a sound beating, probably deserved it.

OK, some loose ends.

So that data did end up getting fully recovered after all, huzzah! Soup came out pretty well, should be pretty well saturated with essential nutrients for the next little while. Still no resolution of ongoing extreme emotional/identity crisis. Thanks for caring!

'Family Affair' on the headphones, really, one of the greatest songs routinely played over the airwaves, you can't cry cause you'd look broke down, but you're crying anyway cause you're all broke down, amazing.

Need to get started on some more collaborative art projects, nothing motivates like fear of others.

Finally fell asleep, funny the things that give me trouble sleeping. Had a string of dreams involving being sexually victimized, in a kind of mild or abstract way, they're already fading fast.

Universal enlightenment constantly brushing shoulders with the most tawdry forms of superstition & ignorance, somebody should make a cartoon, the temptation to portray UE as an inbred aristocratic dandy is hard to resist, nobody hates the home team like its fans.

Oh, emptiness!

Next people will be asking me my opinion on vacuum cleaners, well, here you go: at the moment nothing much appears to be at any risk of losing suction. My chewing gum has lost its flavor.

Anybody know any funny tricks certain to please even the most jaded palates?

Making soup with the remnants of last week's farm share, hopefully will mean I eat more regularly the next few days. Should also be doing some web site maintenance, but feel highly unmotivated, managed to pick up another one to look after earlier this evening, I'm a fucking idiot. Routinely doing things for people usually makes them see you as nothing, I guess I'm expected to maintain complex systems of reward and punishment to hold people's interest, don't want to deal with it, easier to just maintain the web sites, servers, household, etc. & get treated like shit for my trouble. So kind of fed up, but nothing much to do about it.

Also, I've been having an allergic reaction to something all day.

Wouldn't have thought my opinion of software vendors could get much lower, oh well.

Extreme rage slowly settling down, it would be easier to separate my own interest from employer's if I had more of one, where do people get the energy to maintain enough of a self to be selfish?

Thinking again about Faulkner's comedies involving the introduction of disruptive technology, particularly 'The Fire and the Hearth', metal detectors are almost always funny, I should try to make a catalog of their appearances in film or maybe a more general cultural history of the things.

Listening to 'Easter Everywhere' yet again, trying to resist temptation to start working early. Don't seem to be able to swing sleeping past eight, two hours is too much morning lead time, find myself feeling fidgety right around now every day now.

Roky's voice/lyrics are consistently really inspirational, hope he's doing OK.

Lull after storm at work has left me a little shell-shocked, maybe should go spend some time fishing in Michigan.

Just surrendered to temptation and checked my work email for emergencies, please help.

Slow this morning, almost unimaginable that I'm trusted with others' precious data, foggy headed, groggy.

A little concerned that I may have adopted something a little too akin to a confessional mode here- honestly, there's no one in the booth, just a complicated assemblage of whirring defense mechanisms.

When are we going to get together to not talk about 'The Burrow'?

Nice walk, nice chat, air got more pleasant, insects quieted down, though still dimly humming. Going to go kick around outside some more with dog, I think, then maybe read a bit.

Ding! More MySpace spam, wonder if this is because I actually logged on to the thing earlier to send a message to an old college pal who I had a dream about last night, only to find in the morning that it was her birthday. Don't think I ever knew what her birthday was, anyway, here's the part of the message recounting the dream:

'had a dream last night about you calling me on the phone, wondering if I had a pair of tweezers you needed 'for a friend', asked if you couldn't just go buy a pair, response was garbled, couldn't find one, went and bought one myself after examining a large number of varieties, called back and you had gone & bought one.'

Peace & love.

Heavy oppressive air, intense insect/amphibian drone, keep getting MySpace friend request spam this evening, may be time to take a walk. Only legit email of the evening has been to tell me most wanted data was not in fact recovered, may be time to take a walk.

OK, going for a walk.

Turns out my desk was free today after all. Thanks, Peter Principle!

Trying to get up the motivation to actually make myself dinner once I get home, quite challenging.

Data recovered, I think. One less thing I've been meaning to do for a year left to do, how many more to go?

Realized a little while ago that someone else is going to be sitting at my desk at work all day tomorrow, unsure how I'm going to get anything done. Hooray for Monday!

Got my cocoa. With mini marshmallows. Also some nice people took pity on me and made me spaghetti and meatballs.

Strange to actually get cold walking the dog, found myself wishing I had some cocoa or a lady friend waiting at home. While the cocoa would almost certainly be a better long-term investment and wouldn't require any revision of my carefully honed misanthropy masquerading as general benevolence and vice versa, I'm trying to keep an open mind, so I suppose if you're really into vulgar materialist hermeticism, periodic severe anxiety episodes & (gentle?) mockery of you & your most cherished beliefs, you might want to make inquiries through my agent. Nota bene, I'll be getting the cocoa as a hedge in any case.

Rainy day blues, talking vaguely of future business ventures on IM, making frozen Trader Joe's food, wondering what I did with all my torx bits. Damp Peretz asleep beside me, dreaming of better days, when will they come?

Still no cats on the cathouse cam, saw one yesterday, for a second. Cathouse dot dyndns dot tv, port seven seven seven seven, java applet loading, like old times. My will is shattered this am, should be listening to records or doing dishes or something else useful, why is it that I never manage to be as helpful or as kind as I imagine I am? No one loves a revenant.

Thinking more & more the past few days about making a children's television pilot. In addition to my undying love for the medium, the routine activities of so many of my friends seem ready to slide seamlessly into this new context in a way which would magically imbue them with mass appeal. It's odd how children's tv seems to be the one place in the mass media where artistically interesting things are routinely allowed to appear, don't know how much of this is driven by indifference on the part of execs to what is a bit of a cultural ghetto, how much by genuine concern for the well-being of children. Anyway, it's easy, it's cheap, let's go & do it.

Autumnal weather = autumnal moods, feeling more myself all the time, Götzen-Dämmerung and all that. Odd wellings up of emotion, such a big sissy, no doubt deserve a sound beating.

Have a data rescue attempt scheduled for later, hope it works out, always makes me happy when it does.

Busy, busy, busy. Here's a video I made involving things that happened years ago that I've been thinking about.



Also made a Laudable Pus page on the amazing bebo.com, please, abandon Myspace, move your band to bebo.com!

Just spent over an hour on the phone explaining to my dad how to set up the same email account on two different computers, if you were thinking about setting up a tech support hotline for dyslexics, all I can say is, don't. Made myself a pretty stiff vodka and 1/2 lemon/1/2 grapefruit soda halfway through the call, looking into having myself copied onto chips to be implanted in others' brains, let the chips suffer, I say.

Was thinking about going & catching some pop music in town, think I'm going to stay in & watch cartoons instead, in a funny emotional state, if I were to go out, might find myself married by morning and who'd clean up the bodies of all the disappointed young ladies after? Doesn't bear thinking about, me & Peretz remain Northampton's most eligible.

Maybe should change the name of this thing to 'Going to Go Eat Worms', but one lament is much like another, really. While I can't be fixed, Donovan is taking me to interesting mental places, weird associations- grotesque, possibly child-molesting philologist, the tripping daughters of an erstwhile CEO of Penny's jotting down secret messages, me delivering the opening monologue of 'Atlantis' while handing out bead necklaces to a small crowd of uninterested hip kids. Oh, well, to repeat myself-

And as the elders of our time choose to remain blind
Let us rejoice and let us sing and dance and ring in the new
Hail Atlantis!

Worth a shot, anyway.

Trying to catch up on laundry & the like, apparently T made it to Reno OK, settling in for a week and a half of solitary angst & self-loathing. Still haven't managed to pick up coffee, had to go to town, get money from bank & buy a cup. Bizarre tag sale with retail displays, industrial shelving, etc. going on in metal structure attached to the dialysis center next to my house. Wire book racks make me wish I was opening a book shop (maybe just one rotating rack of pulps to go in the gift shop in the soda shop?).

In addition to retail initiatives, really wanting to get area art activities on a firmer footing, pity no one much involved can stand me.

Didn't realize how seriously I'd overdone it today till walking Peretz a little while ago, lightheaded, right knee feeling about to collapse, don't know how I made it home. Installed on couch now, snatches of poems flashing by, not retaining them well enough to develop or even write down, quite lovely anyway, purely textual half-waking dream. So little of my thinking happens in language, I think it makes me seem a little vague, maybe I am a little vague, fuzzy around the edges & all edges. Muscle cramps in odd spots, must be dehydrated again, twitchy but limp, limp but twitchy, why do I bother?

Rainy morning, not enough time at work to do the stuff I want to get done, giant backlog of tasks at home, mostly just want to be out having fun, but no fun is really available. I would also really like my sense of time to destructure itself, right now it's full of tiers, nested schedules, lists, objectives- should be flat & open, maybe with some friendly faces floating around.

Work weeks have been going by with blinding speed, weekends drag on, but seem to end too soon. The only thing I'm doing that seems very fulfilling is looking after my dog. Should be somewhere leading seminar on unconscious narrative methods, perhaps somewhere tropical.

Got a copy of Dan's new novel that he's put out in an edition of 100 or something like that at show last night, haven't had a chance to look at it yet. He asked me whether I ever got that book group started, some time soon, I promise.

Maybe I should just accept that crowded shows at people's houses are going to incite extreme nervous paranoia & either stop going altogether or figure out a way to enjoy the experience. Just now I managed to have a pretty nice time by spending most of it listening to the music under a tree in the rain, still left a pathetic quivering wreck, no wonder everyone hates me.

Waiting for T to get home from whatever she's doing (having her mom put the finishing touches on her dress with the wire loop at the bottom?) so I can help her get her bags packed, hoping to not stay up too late, we'll see what happens.

Before I forget again, I've been meaning to mention how much Peretz has been enjoying the lovely yellow watermelon from farm share, he has an unusual attitude toward it, not as excited as he is about, say, challah or smoked sausage, but clearly very interested and strangely content after being given a piece.

Cool morning air making it hard to wake up, a taste of things to come. Also bringing back sad, beautiful memories of being by the seaside. Another summer wasted, how many more to go?

Thinking about working on some music & video stuff, hard to settle down to it with the constant agitation, not an excuse, mind. Should probably also get back to some of those little web projects I've been putting off. Oh, hell.

Just back from a long twilight walk with Peretz, 'Hey Nineteen' stuck in my head, rehearsing various aspects of the current worldwide social impasse to myself, convincing myself yet again of its intractability. It's funny that nobody much seems to treat this stuff as a genuinely hard problem, one which we don't have any idea how to even start solving. I suppose this is partly down to the sorts of simplification seen as necessary to political mobilization & partly a reaction to the constant claims to special expertise by those who dominate us. Peretz played briefly with a black Labrador and sniffed two men smoking in the bushes.

As usual, multiple total disasters cheered me right up, bring on the apocalypse, I guess.

Up bright & early to do some thankless tasks, without coffee what would we do?

Start things later probably, maybe the end of cheap energy won't be the disaster I expect.

The problem is, you don't see me for what I am.

(cut to lipsticked sock puppet)

Sock Puppet: Look into your heart...

(focus softens abruptly, slow fade to black)

(distant music)

In case you didn't get the idea the first time, I think she's fucking great. Feel kind of a strange identification, actually- guinea pigs, Shakira & chorea aren't that different from servers, Destroy All Monsters & social anxiety disorder. What do you keep/listen to/do in your basement?

Extreme fatigue means no energy to be sad, euphoric visions of faerie wonderlands & ecstatic pleasure universes composed of a billion glittering points on doubly visioned dog walk, staggering a little among the drunkards & surly youth, grape soda revealing the sort of pure artificiality of which I am a true aficionado, affectionately yours, etc., etc.

New work schedule=going to lunch outrageously late, dog doesn't like it one bit, made horrible high pitched yowl on my arrival. Got about to explode front tire replaced, one more escape route closed off, time to turn & face the enemy, you think? It's prowling the land by day now & if you're reading this you've got a big 'Eat Me' sign taped to your back where you can't see it. Lay low for now, we'll get together later, I've been working on spears & traps in my spare time.

'Tis the season for leaving pieces of fried chicken lying about in the street, apparently. Lost count of how many I've pried from P's slavering jaws over the past week, still makes me feel like I'm going to puke every single time.

Was thinking about going out to see more music tonight, think I'm having more fun, or less guilt anyway, hanging with Mr. P.

T got her big time management job, hip, hip.

Thinking I should figure out a way to be at work all the time because while there I'm too busy to get bummed out.

Nightmare freakout kept me up till 5:30 this morning, considering having my reflective capacity excised, anybody know any psychic surgeons who work cheap? Keep in mind I don't have enough vacation time for a trip to the Philippines.

So the identity of my abusive weekend mystery caller has been revealed, what can I say? Oh, demon alcohol.

Here's the thing- say I say something like 'I love you all!' Sure, maybe it seems a little ironic or tongue in cheek or something, but mostly, if you have any reason to believe I might actually mean it, I almost certainly do. If you imagine I have a patronizing attitude toward you and you're someone I actually talk to, & you'll just have to trust me on this, I don't. If I seem flip or condescending, I'm probably just trying to be funny & not succeeding very well. I find being myself more of a pain in the ass than it's worth, but there's nothing I can do about it. I imagine I can be very irritating, but if you all could cut me some slack and assume I'm trying to be nice that would be great because I'm genuinely very fond of you.

OK, back to work.

Show was fun but very non-cathartic, made some theremin-like noises with the fine tuning dial of a shortwave, sweet young kid there with his violin, newly arrived to the area, looking for people to play with, wants to do Celtic metal, apparently.

Building elaborate imaginary mandalas devoted to the depiction of suffering, feel as though I'm trying to work myself up to action of some kind, unlikely anything will come of it, of course, I've no idea what to do. Feeling greater sympathy for people's sudden religious conversions, not really an option for me, but for once that seems a bit unfortunate.

Wishing I could shrink away into nothing by an act of pure will, disappearing with a faint pop.

>pop<

Lately, say the past few weeks, if I don't stay constantly busy, and a lot of the time I'm too tired to do that, despair of the extremest sort closes in and lingers until I either fall asleep or again start doing something that engages my attention. Have a show to play tonight, maybe that'll get me through till bedtime, though I'm thinking I might prefer just wallowing in a dark room, plenty of time for that later, I suppose.

Somehow just made a tasty and nutritious soup, automatism gets a bad rap.

Feeling glum, pressed for time, haven't eaten anything today but have already done a bunch of stuff, lots more to do, maybe a burrito would help?

Peretz feels neglected, wish T would come home & pay attention to him, I'm just not up to it, sorry guy.

Got back a short time ago from bar rock show, left a little early as acoustics of bar were making me feel crazy, uncomfortably damp from walk with Peretz, drinking a piña colada soda, watching anime. I'm a tiny drop in a big sea. Become more sociable, withdraw into myself, both? Probably both.

Head full of suffering and death, need to feather a better nest, snuggle up close to myself & wait for the world to end.

It's the first time since it arrived in the mail that an Inspector Frost dvd isn't paused in my dvd player, so I'm listening to 'I Hear a New World'. Wow, very intense, anybody who wants to have a record party with cocktails let me know.

Didn't manage to go to the Peach Festival (maybe tomorrow?) but did get more soda, had Polish Dish at Polish Delicatessen, rode around in a Scion being test driven, apparently it's "the most practical car on the market." You know how we like that.

Got called into work to fix a small networking problem, should really replace that switch.

Thinking of making a mixture of mushroom and spinach & cheese pierogies with bacon and caramelized onions later. The decadence of two meals in a day involving both pierogies and bacon concerns me not one wit, in fact I'm rather looking forward to being scolded for it, my dear.

I'm told endless rain is coming, oh drear day.

Learned my lesson: write aphorisms in imitation of the manner of F. Schlegel, get pissy lecture demonstrating that the least interesting aspects of romanticism (e.g., faculty psychology) are still alive & well and still lacking any real historical awareness or sense of humor. Anyway, quit projecting your contempt for 'ordinary' people onto me. Also, is your cloak of anonymity the shining beacon of moral cowardice it seems or do you just not understand how to identify yourself?

Went to see some music I wouldn't ordinarily go see & was enjoying it, but I got sad & came home. Better than having a panic attack and coming home, but still kind of a drag.

It's tempting to say there's a fine line between playful and predatory- actually there is none.

Gnomic utterances, reminds me of a joke. Ask me sometime.

Signs come from elsewhere and are always headed somewhere else, leaving a faint tracework in the air, too insubstantial to be their plaything, merely a wake.

An effect I haven't mentioned of my later rising- I'm remembering more of my dreams, felt better forgetting them, I think.

Server catastrophe brought me into work slightly after waking up, still not showered, problem is fixed anyway. Anybody who isn't opposed to strong body odor want to celebrate? Should probably just wash but already being sucked into yet another British mystery program. In a way, disaster was welcome as it broke up the tedium of the planned excessive work.

Had a nice lunch with coworkers celebrating Mary's birthday, had a nice chat about politics to which I tried to add my customary negativity and pessimism no doubt to everyone's fascinated delight. Tiresome, that's me.

OK, so no word on cavies ejected from exploding Amherst condos as yet, maybe this will tide you over till the truth comes out:

Excessive cultivation of people of shared sensibility leads to mistaking inferior or mediocre work for good and renders most of the good incomprehensible.

Just saw what I think was an adolescent fox along the margin of the parking lot behind my house, first time I remember seeing one here.

Hi ho! Peach Festival! The weekend is shaping up, also want to get more soda, go to musical events, bring an end to tyranny in our time.

Work has gone batshit crazy, stress is running high, luckily, since I am normally stressed to about the extent I am able to organically sustain, I barely notice any difference, hurrah for having serious mental disorders!

Love & kisses to all! I am a peach blossom, I am a terror from the sky!

OK, so the thing is, the robotic descendents thing, while it is basicaly just a lame attempt at a mildly humorous conceit- I actually think it's kind of likely to happen, scurrying about trying to figure out exactly what a candle is and how to make one- look- don't sweat it, kids, go back to your n-dimensional sculpture or whatever it is you were doing.

Idyllic morning watching squirrels play in the yard, weird segue from 'Sooper Trooper' to 'They Walked in Line' while walking dog cast a shadow cross the brain, provoked vague utopian planning. Somebody should analyze word frequency on this thing, think it might be revealing.

Excessive workload leaving me a shadow of my former self, need some new playmates, seems like all the kids round here are either too vicious or not vicious enough, really the requirements are kind of excessive, feel a bit like one of those companies advertising for people with 10 years J2EE experience, only, you know, self-aware. An outlier on far too many curves, I will die alone & unmourned, light a candle for me in a thousand years, will you, my robotic descendents, I was born too early.

Just out walking around with P, singing 'Foggy Notion' quietly to myself. Feeling a bit better. Need to become more effective. Going to go buy soda.

Politics, or the world made stupid- it used to be sort of funny, via a self-preservative failure of the imagination, maybe I should try pickling. How many versions of the white man's burden can be spun?- lay it down already, buddy, let your white birds smile &c.

Did anyone prophesize these people? Only Wallace, come in Wallace:

Tea at the Palaz of Hoon

Not less because in purple I descended
The western day through what you called
The loneliest air, not less was I myself.

What was the ointment sprinkled on my beard?
What were the hymns that buzzed beside my ears?
What was the sea whose tide swept through me there?

Out of my mind the golden ointment rained,
And my ears made the blowing hymns they heard.
I was myself the compass of that sea:

I was the world in which I walked, and what I saw
Or heard or felt came not but from myself;
And there I found myself more truly and more strange.

Time is fucking crushed, to thunderous applause of floating eyes in multitudes, peering indiscreetly at the trailing nerves of the others. It's all too much bother. Gratuitous swearing for the benefit of the youth audience, dig? Put your cat clothes on, because tonight is really going to be the night.

Revolting, really revolting. Can't be helped, things are only really broken when there's no fixing them, that is, when they have become something else, within the kingdom of ends- time for a new regime, regimen, regiment.

Can't sleep, half watching Pee Wee's Playhouse, reading about operating systems & crying on and off about all the suffering in the world, would you like to know more? Probably not but maybe it will prove instructive, kind of like watching someone burn themselves on a hot stove or slip on a banana peel. I just want to stop thinking about things, but can't, I close my eyes and hundreds of annoyingly pure forms go sliding by, so sick of everything, no fun, no more.

None of this really conveys the harshness of my present experience very successfully, just as well, I guess. Anyway, the sooner I get uploaded into a robotic space probe & launched the better. Beep, beep. Beep?

Walked into town to get lemons, ended up at Peter & the Wolf show at Devon's house instead, a nice surprise, D even mustered up the gumption to play a song with her uke, very nice, though she should sing louder & more often. Turns out T got lemons anyway on way home from gym, must be some sort of propitious alignment & about time. Still feeling pretty shitty regardless, mind darting back & forth madly seeking things to be pissed about, had a good long internal rant about the repulsive state of moral thought at the present time centering on the concept of responsibility while driving to Amherst for work earlier, to summarize, if you feel really strongly it's someone else's fault, it's probably yours.

Anyway, all the irritation is just a means of distracting myself from the pure bleakness burning holes in my retinas, fuck fuck fuck.

As basically a pretty nice, well-meaning person, wondering how my head gets so full of frightening, evil thoughts. It's hard to judge, of course, but I get the impression that it's a bit extreme. Would offer to compare notes if I thought you would still speak to me after, but frankly, I don't.

Just starting having a pretty massive allergic reaction to something, presumably brought on by the damp, while walking the dog. Left a bunch of my brains sneezed out on the pavement somewhere, maybe will find it easier to adjust to modern life in future. Have managed to get through a good part of the morning without worrying about the state of the servers, etc., at work, even entertaining vague fantasies of someday not being responsible for any servers anywhere.

Thinking a lot about people I haven't seen in a long time but who still feel like they're missing, could use a draught of forgetfulness, those people they find wandering around with amnesia still manage to survive somehow, don't they?

Managed to make myself something to eat, rather elaborate really, wonder how many more unpossible things I can achieve before bedtime?

Exciting panic attack of yesterday flowed beautifully into today's exciting disorientation and ennui, stay tuned.

Apparently my pal Henry is getting married to his sweetie & I am to be the best man, weirdness, sounds like I have over a year to adjust to this new role, so maybe it will be OK.

Very hungry, too tired to make or get food, help help help.

Walked the dog, took a shower, changed into pyjamas, helping my mom with a crossword over the phone, feeling totally devastated by nothing in particular, shaking, wishing I had a different brain, endocrine system, you name it. Shall we swap? Did we already?

Thought maybe some food would make me feel better, it just gave me energy to feel worse, now experiencing rapidly escalating panic episode, hopefully will manage to fall asleep at some point, would be nice if I could then stay asleep for a week or so, be fed through tube. Just feeling incredibly sick of everything and useless. All sorts of things I'd like to be doing, just too down to set myself to working on them, even if I did, under the circumstances they would turn out crappy.

Feel guilty that I spent too much of the day away from Peretz, he's been in a strange mood & T's gone away to a wedding on Long Island so I'm his only company, kept wanting to be outside & by myself, so he was stuck inside by himself a lot, doesn't seem too pleased about it.

Oh well, should probably stop writing this and get back to the despair.

Meeting pals at ice cream shop aborted due to missing cat, had some pistachio anyway, wended sad way home, proceeding with youthful experimentation with alcohol, will maybe go get into some youthful street fights later. Wrote a poem of extraordinary beauty in my head while driving a little while ago, have now, of course, totally forgotten it, remote alien civilization that's monitoring my theta waves will be forever changed.

Tip to the young & impressionable: moments of extreme sadness are not the best ones for experiments in mixology.

Just realized I missed the peak of the Perseids, sad, future plans involve more meteor showers, less work. Anybody want to go to Vermont or somewhere else elevated & remote later and catch some of the remnants?

Strange evening, last, was going to go to see some music, heard about some preferable music, ended up going to neither, instead having vodka with what was supposed to be bitter lemon but wasn't with Joel, went with him to W. Springfield to check out Charlie's Diner which he'd heard somewhere was open late, turned out it was but only from 11pm-4am, Fri-Sat & we got there at 10:30, investigated Witch Path, took a walk around the common in the meantime, groovy old graveyard by the Congregational church, inadvertently frightened a lady buying liquour from the package store by the rotary, finally went to diner. OK, but no great shakes, kind of pricey, soda shop is still a go. May look into buying orange house at end of Witch Path, converting to appropriate religion.

Just back from work, making more coffee, was going to do laundry but machines are occupied by neighbors, trying to plan a fun day but nothing's happening. Really, though, the natural beauty of the day is such that it will all probably work out in the end.

Been spending a lot of time thinking about elevated topics of distinction but not writing about any of it, so if you'd like to be touched by a more sublime cast of thought you'll need to actually deal with me in person (there are, of course, a host of other vendors of this stuff, but a lot going around these days is more ersatz than ursatz, caveat emptor).

As if Lucky, the miracle cat, wasn't enough, a giant Joe Meek compilation has just arrived in the mail, happy days.

Wow, that made my morning- the reporter to whom I suggested writing a story about the adorable sleeping puppy on the paper's front lawn yesterday, today has one in the paper about 'Lucky, the miracle cat'. Stlll waiting for a follow up on Smokey, the bunny who survived rooming house fire. May be about time for me to go found the Mohawk Trail Pet Times, we could operate out of that Indian Trading Post that's up for sale.

Got a headache that I just can't shake.
Shake, shake.
Shake, shake.

Ended up going to Bookmill yet again, barely watched the show, sat outside at metal table, chatting, enjoying the autumnal air. Tried to have dinner at People's Pint with E & J before, closed for vacation, ended up going to Thai Blue Ginger, my advice, get the mango with sticky rice dessert, maybe multiple instances. Greenfield has developed a strange attraction for me, think there are secret data centers where I could carry on with my daily routine?

Been thinking about writing lots of things, can't seem to settle into it, le sigh.

Given that Northampton's lack of a non-McDonald's 24 hour restaurant has come up at least once a day for the past several, I'd say it's time to start one. I used to be an advocate of the 24 hour Jewish deli, but now that there is one, albeit non-24 hour, in W. Springfield, I have moved on to supporting a soda shop. Maybe we could serve Harmony Springs. Cream soda/root beer ice cream floats, tastefully harsh modern psychedelic decor, maybe a gift shop? Who's with me?

(crickets)

It is now easier to wake up at seven in the morning than it was when I needed to, what's next? All-you-can-eat breakfast bars? About time to head to Carousel, I think. Of course, if there's a lovely lady who'd like to escape with me to the postapocalyptic landscape outside the domes, I'd be open to that too, apparently we'd get to drive around in one of these:



OK, enough chitchat, here's Donne doing his hippie thing:

Some man unworthy to be possessor
Of old or new love, himself being false or weak,
Thought his pain and shame would be lesser,
If on womankind he might his anger wreak ;
And thence a law did grow,
One might but one man know ;
But are other creatures so?

Are sun, moon, or stars by law forbidden
To smile where they list, or lend away their light?
Are birds divorced or are they chidden
If they leave their mate, or lie abroad a night?
Beasts do no jointures lose
Though they new lovers choose ;
But we are made worse than those.

Who e'er rigg'd fair ships to lie in harbours,
And not to seek lands, or not to deal with all?
Or built fair houses, set trees, and arbours,
Only to lock up, or else to let them fall?
Good is not good, unless
A thousand it possess,
But doth waste with greediness.

Just ran into a coworker while out with the dog who told me about a former Smith philosophy professor who is now roaming the streets talking to her hands. From her description I think it might be a woman I took a hermeneutics class from once, didn't think she was a very good philosophy professor, here's hoping she makes a better crazy person. It's a ravishingly beautiful night, tempting to go spend more time outside & get ravished some more, does that make me seem cheap?

Turns out it was a good thing I was so exhausted last night I fell asleep on the couch as it deferred my finding Peretz had been shitting all over my room till I was more able to deal with it. Apparently he enjoys my highly changeable schedule even less than I do.

The more leisurely pace of my new standard morning is going to take some getting used to, very tempting to log on to my work desktop remotely and start dealing with stuff. The coffee is better here, at any rate.

There's something like three shows I'd probably enjoy tomorrow night, guessing it'll be the one right down the street I end up attending, also probably the most crowded, so maybe not. Nothing I do has much chance of making me feel less sad, so what does it matter, really? Need to get started on some projects.

I can't shake the feeling that I've failed you all, I imagine you're not too worried about it, sorry anyway. Rather than building places of safety, I've been looking at nothing out of the corner of my eye, slowly leaking away into it, feeling a bit rarefied, will blow away soon. If I land in an enchanted forest, I'll send directions back by post- more likely I'll be sucked into an intake pipe and used to fill Twinkies or poured into a sidewalk.

Anyway, if I've said anything that made you feel bad, I didn't mean to, I think you're great, let's go on a picnic.

Could really use being tired from something other than work for once, crap. Though eating fried rice with kale and spacing out to British TV police procedural isn't half bad, would like to be doing something interesting, nothing really seems all that interesting, of course. One of the only things I really miss about being younger is being able to immerse myself in new things and have them seem genuinely fascinating- that went all to hell, of course, once I got the idea that understanding things better wasn't going to help, most people get that sooner, I guess. Feel free to send along little poems in an attempt to cheer me up, it probably won't, but it's the thought that counts.

Feeling sinister.

Maybe should start an Amazon wish list after all, probably need to get a webcam, too, so I can take requests.

Hate hate hate.

Can't remember anything from the past hour and a half, my hands appear freshly and vigorously scrubbed, feel reinvigorated. Peretz is noting this in his research diary as a successful test, don't know where T went.

Time for a sleepy stroll in the last of the blue day, I think, if I'm not too sleepy. Beautiful day for a drive, not so much for sitting around in a crowded movie theater listening to a nasal voiced dude (here's his 'blog') try to make Vista sound less than completely ridiculous, got to see the thing crash for the first time in person (trying to play a video), outlandishly crappy video compositing with refreshing image on window behind others flickering through. Stopped at a pleasant Indian buffet in Worcester on the way home, had nice, self-obsessed chat with Mary. Honestly, I think I've been so sleepy lately mostly because I'm tired of myself, maybe I should try some of that serum Peretz has been working on.

For the past few years, I've been trying to surrender myself more to the judgement of others, people whose perceptions seem interesting or valuable or what have you, and while there have been some good results, exposure to a more diverse range of music, for example, the consequences when such a person decides I make them uneasy are really disorienting. Not that I shouldn't make them uneasy, a vicious giant bird in a tissue paper cage, only kept from launching on a path of total destruction by a perverse fondness for shiny trinkets. Trying to reconcile my flightiness with my reliability, no it just doesn't make much sense.

Late last night, walking through the stagnant air beneath a sky full of heat lightning, orange moon resting on a cartoonish nest of cloud, a variety of examples of the distance between what I would like and what I think would be a good idea paraded past my inner eye, mocking me. Think I could use some poorer judgement.

Trying to mentally prepare myself for driving to Framingham, getting swept up in the TechNet, using an ancient spiritual practice involving lots of coffee, writing nursery rhymes in head, toe wiggling- am I not adorable? Be honest.

So first day of new schedule, can't say I'm all that fond of it & of course tomorrow & the next day I'm going in earlier than my old sched. would dictate for the usual sorts of reasons, I guess I'll see how I feel about it once it regularizes itself and sinks in a bit, if that in fact ever happens. Feel lightheaded & lightly glazed, starting to prepare supper, moving very slowly, dog seems sluggish but still wants out, when the water boils, kid.

Trying out new work schedule starting tomorrow which means I can stay up for a while yet, no problem, but since what I mostly want to be doing is being curled up in a ball weeping, I think I might as well go to sleep. You can tell, or I can anyway, that you've spent far too much time in disturbed mental states when your main problem with them is finding new ways to present them humorously. Would be very satisfying to spend some time feeling sorry for myself without simultaneously finding it ridiculous but I can't seem to pull it off.

Have Jenks 'Tex' Carman's "I'm a poor lonesome fellow" stuck in my head, cute. OK, going to go be all fetal & pathetic for a while.

Spent the evening experimenting with the fusion of fraternal localities via mixed drinks with Harmony Springs and Tito's Vodka, Half Grapefruit/Half Lemon worked best, but Korker with a lime twist was quite passable, enjoyably convivial process of sobering up, now home again with the walls closing in, renewed oppressive sadness, various perspectives on pure dread presenting themselves to my mind's eye, which is now cowering in the corner, wimpering.

Will Peretz guide me safely through this apocalyptic landscape of overgrown ferns and night horrors? I'll tell you later.

When one finally realizes that all the repetition and cliche can't be removed without utterly falsifying thought, a new and total freedom of action becomes possible. Sadly, no one ever realizes this.

A certain tendency to more or less empty abstraction may be noticed, this is normal and not a cause for concern. The unshared & unshareable beauty of this day, on the other hand, will never be adequately mourned, though I spend the rest of my days, as I will, wrapped in a darkness so total that it pains the eye. Ha ha ha.

Walk the dog now, peach pie later?

Damaged beyond repair.

The sound of a bicycle wheel or a dead leaf rolling on pavement, is 'Erinnerung' an onomatopoeia, is 'onomatopoeia'? Old fantasies of intensifying the iconicity of language die hard- I'm just not the person for it, honestly, ask someone else. Should hire an observer for this melancholy as the volunteers don't show up after the first few days, lack of enthusiasm & who am I to tell them they're wrong? Nobody, that's who.

So tired of the marketplace of ideas & the unending mindless slaughter which fuels it, so tired of all the machines and their even more mechanical tenders, so tired of being tender, of being tenderized by the endless, pounding stream of images- remember a short story I wrote once, very short, starting "She fucks like a piston," and all the criticism I got for that, well, you were wrong, that's just how it was.

I tried to explain to a friend several years ago, a film student, a metaphoric complex which seemed very important to me at the time involving clocks, automata & film cameras, how many dreams there have been of a world without people, everything sliding into effervescence, what makes a melon ball bounce?

Peach pie, guacamole, Belgian beer, cartoons, lack of moral discipline, etc., etc.

T's making me sing 'Smoke on the Water' so she can better understand a description in some book she's reading, can do. Horrible flood of other Classic Rock hits destroying the tiny, honest villagers travelling to the big city for the first time in my subtle train of thought, fear & lack of understanding fill their eyes as they plunge into Fire Lake.

About to embark on another local food tour with J & E, if tragedy is repeated as farce, what is pastoral comedy repeated as?

P has taken to disturbing T when returning from morning walk, an affectionate dog, perhaps too affectionate.

Really feeling the need to vent my utopian impulses in some fashion, open to suggestions, dilapidated mansion suggested by Cooper seems appealing, but I want more than that, I think.

Thinking about making a Weird Weeds video, but haven't settled on a song, don't think I have a final mix of their new album yet anyway.

Am still somewhat fragmented from vivid dream experiences of last night, what the mind can conceive, can be.

Felt pretty bad about not taking P out as much as usual this week due to early work/heat, so I walked into town with him and more or less let him have his head, a lot of long circles, mysterious pauses to look into the distance, sudden desperate pulling, we're more alike than you might imagine.

Peaches continue to amaze, really, the subtle beauty of the flavor of so many fruits point the way. Let's go.

I've said it before, but principles don't matter a damn, the schemata are where the action is.

This section is in italics to indicate that you are now inside the mind of the killer. Cliches of genre determine our experience to an extent which is strictly impossible to overestimate. Concepts divide the world into what is and what is not something. Our concern is always with concepts.

Peretz just played with black/brindle colored puppy who was so excited by him she peed on the sidewalk. Made pork tips in salsa roja, pico de gallo, will make guacamole with leftover pico later, high summer vegetables = A++++++ BUYER, would do business with again.

OK, just this,and then I'll shut up about it:



Really sad this keeps happening, peace & love, kids.

I will be alone again tonight, my dear.

When I read a few days ago that Murray Bookchin had died on Sunday, it had a very odd effect on me, but I was mostly too busy to notice- it's a strange thing for there to have been someone with preoccupations and attitudes so similar to mine who wrote so much stuff that I just can't stand reading, really it's unbearable. In a way, it's been a comfort having the Institute for Social Ecology right down the road, plugging away, and of course that will continue. I suppose it's not so strange, really, so often the people I feel closest to can't stand me either. Oh, bother.

Mind blowing local peaches, lavender ice cream, skybar ice cream, Boston baked beans, tiny hard candy fish, gummi teeth & gums, chocolate covered raisins, yikes.

Just as I am getting used to being at work at seven in the morning, I'm going to discontinue the practice. Can't say I'm all that upset about it, it's been a long week. I've lost track of just about everything going on in my life that's not work related, which might be for the best, really, as I've been in a pretty good mood despite being very tired most of the time. Some of this might be down to the extreme heat, of course.

Wish I had some fun weekend plans, I think there are multiple blueberry festivals happening which could be nice, but I can only take so much nice.

I've been working on drilling the utter hopelessness of the world situation further into my head- when I can manage to do that, I feel more free to act. Go ahead & try it, some folks think it's great!

Close up (50x) view of emotional phenomena homunculus retina, while reading about current events:

Work is done, watching Cat Stevens videos on YouTube, just read panning of my brother's band's new record by inexplicably tastemaking review site, here's a tip, if you want a good review from those people, don't know me.

Just when I was convinced there would be no video with 'Granny',



it gets cut off of course, but still. And now, Mr. Sidney Poitier:

So G&T was a no go as I just passed out instead, woke up around 5:30, drank a little coffee, walked the dog, got home to a 'help we can't connect to the database' message from work, went to work and brought the db server back up, been at work till a little before now, need to go back later to try to prevent the same thing happening again tomorrow.

Picked up farm share, they have eggplants & peppers & tomatoes now, very exciting, if you couldn't tell, Summer has arrived. Just stir fried some bok choy in a spicy black bean sauce, going to cook some frozen pork & black mushroom dumplings in a little while and toss them with it if I don't fall asleep first.

Signed myself up to go to a Microsoft TechNet presentation in Framingham next Tuesday, a masochistic theme develops.

I should start a moving company on the side, pretty soon I'd be rolling in burgers, fruity drinks, popsicles, etc. Intense weather for toting stuff around, no doubt purging the toxic byproducts of my morally questionable lifestyle, feel born anew, let's talk about spirituality.

Thinking about making myself a G&T, Harmony Springs style, but can't seem to quite get up the motivation.