Spam subject line, "There were the Butterflies and the treacherous types who supported the pogrom at Sjandra Kei." Thought I recognized it, turns out it's from A Fire Upon the Deep by Vernor Vinge. Singularity approaches.

Woman in wheelchair on corner in front of work shouting incoherently, holding up brown cardboard sign, most of the writing on it is ballpoint, totally illegible. Not criticizing, mind, can relate.

OK, back to work, back to work.

Somehow managing to work in eating some actual lunch at lunch, the Cap'n is hitting me with his peanut butter crunchinator as I type. Once fully crunchinated, I'll return to work to face more questions about stuff I don't know much about from people who really should.

Parse that, pedants!

Finally got around to arranging having my wet car looked at, tomorrow, tomorrow, not today.

House is in chaos beautifully reflecting T's & my inner turmoils.

Reading on the paper's website about Easthampton woman with PTSD & sundry other syndromes stalking & now suing her former psychologist, would link to the story, but it's subscription only. Information wants to be free, guys.

Cut on finger's driving me nuts, do a lot of typing, not as bad as when I cut off tip of same finger with immersion blender a couple years back, still feels weird & numb from that, actually, one part hurts, other part numb & weird.

Should probably go eat some lunch.

Somebody I care about very much has mistaken her problems with herself for problems with me.

Redirection, stopgaps, misrecognition- not that I'm one to talk, past master at all that crap. Avoiding rather than addressing, guess I'm more worried about her as my problems, however severe they might be, don't stand the remotest chance of making an appearance on my death certificate.

Anyway, we'd come up with a lovely plan to try to deal with both our problems, as I imagine you've gathered, it didn't work out too well.

So, how lovely a plan could it have been if it didn't work out, you ask?

Extremely lovely.

Pure possibility, speculative, philosophical. So sue me.

Hate the effect being worried & nervous has on my manner of thought & expression, all angles & points, not particularly reflective of my feelings, sorry to be so prickly, hedgehog in the fog.

All clad in summer's green & yellow, pining for my lady love.

Coniferous, needly. A kid'll eat ivy too.

Will soon slip on my jacket of gray, commune with the machines.

Little cut on my finger has opened up, just bled all over my keyboard.

Got to feeling so terribly sad last night, I forgot to set my alarm clock. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is.

Feel like my mind is going. Imagine it'll be back later.

Went to see music, too hot & crowded, worried about T & Peretz, came home again.

T's just been showing me a variety of obsolete chargers, cables & electronics.

Things seem real again, tired & hurt.

Took a walk into town, thought maybe being out in the actual world would make things seem more actual, saxophone guy playing 'Girl from Ipanema' loop didn't help much. Interestingly lit big fluffy clouds.

Might go see some music, might sit around the house feeling disoriented, hard to say which would be worse.

My brother stayed up till 6:30 watching meteor shower by a lake in the country.

Scritching Peretz behind the ears.

Nothing seems real.

People not telling you things, then being pissed when you don't know them, all part of the comedy.

Drinking ginger ale from a plastic bottle, should maybe crack up & go stay in a motel for a while, live off ginger ale & pretzels from the machines down the hall.

Feeling blank.

Blankety blank.

A 'Duke karlsson' was kind enough to send me 'A theory of semiotics' this morning, I imagine it's fascinating, but I don't quite get his notation. Here, see if you can make anything of it:

"CnB`oo Tr,affic In-creas,es {4}[9]{%} {O}[v]{e}(r) (T)[w]<o> Month-s



{R}(e)[a]{d} (t)(h){e} news., thi*nk ab^out (t){h}(e) imp-act, and {j}{u}<m><p> on [t]<h>[i][s] fir^st thin#g Tomo.rr-ow mor+n,ing! $`0.42 is a [g]<i><f>[t] at <t>[h](i)[s] pric.^e.....

Do (y)[o]<u>{r} ho#mew-ork (a)[n](d) watc#h {t}{h}{i}{s} t+rade Mon`day m^orning."

Another little cut on a finger, this on the tip of my left index, wonder how I did that. Very annoying.

Another bad night, being scared makes for scary dreams.

Sneezing my head off.

Should be pretty substantial chaos & confusion at work today, preparing myself with coffee & improving reading.

Bit of a Stinktier apocalypse outside, whole neighborhood smells of skunk. Wandered pretty far afield with Peretz, watching the sky, kept passing through clouds of scent.

Perhaps they too are aroused by falling stars.

If I choose to take certain things as signs of a friendlier universe next door, where people are happier, where nobody gets tortured and ruined to the point where they feel that all they deserve is further torture and ruination, if I choose to do this- well, surely that's my prerogative.

Worried sick.

Genuinely sick, feel like I'm going to throw up.

Happens a lot, not the sort of thing you really get used to, unfortunately.

Been lying on couch doing some desultory research into skee ball machine suppliers, trying to calm down. Not really working.

Panic spiral, panic spiral, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Made very spicy stir fry with tiny Asian eggplants & bell peppers, been reduced to doing crosswords as my fellow Scrabblers have let me down, have actual lives perhaps.

Feeling a bit unwell, thought nutritious vegetables might help, didn't really.

Thinking about driving over to Mount Pollux Conservation Area, attempting early meteor viewing, will see how cloudy it is, how much I feel like hiding in my room.

Did some dishes, listening to Donovan.

Before that, drove over to Easthampton to have another look at coveted property. Has front room which looks highly suitable for use as small lending library, another gigantic first floor room with concrete slab floor, good for heavy equipment. Grocery stores within walking distance. View of mountains. Lots of amenities for Peretz, small fenced yard which would need to be fully enclosed, path into the wilderness from back yard, attic windows provide a 360° field of fire. Should probably arrange an appointment.

Walked to town, picked up a copy of a Japanese import version of 'Mellow Yellow', talked a while with Cooper about a property we both have our eyes on, other things. Cooper said something like, "If I'm in a burning building, I'm not going to hold the door for you. J's got a fire in his soul."

Maybe so, pretty sure I'd hold the door for you, go try to fetch Smoky the Bunny from his bunny hutch after. Everybody gets out alive. Hard to explain how important this is to me, you wouldn't believe me anyway.

Made it to Serio's just before closing time, got fermented Asian-style cabbage T likes, won't be able to get it where she's going.

Hot out, wanted to watch more meteors later, sounds like it'll be cloudy.

Just learned that a 'Voltron' movie is in the works, hope they have the sense to get the RZA to do the score. Dream on, right?

Dreamed of being in a family restaurant, a sort of browner, paler Bickford's, noticed my pals Peter & poppybird at a distant booth talking, avoiding eye contact. Peter seemed pretty normal, if nervous, poppy seemed a bit shrunken, her back to me. On going to pay my check, I saw her face, sunken in, reduced, central field nearly albino-pale surrounded by garish welts & blotches, it looked as though something had been eating away at her nose.

Upsetting.

Could really use a good night's sleep.

Spent some time lying on the side of the levee, watching the meteor shower, wet grass, summer nighttime sounds, me & the sky.

Not ideal viewing conditions by any means, hazy, Northampton's always over lit sky washed out, full of noise, especially at the horizon. Still gave me a chance to make a wide variety of secret & not-so-secret wishes. Usual variety of overwhelming emotional states, you'd think they'd die down, not so much. Cried for a while, half drifted off, visions of warmth & kindness.

Such straightforward warm feelings, can't get used to them, usually of at least two minds about most everything.

I'm so happy you're alive, not really any way to overstate it. Wish you were.

Walked home feeling sticky, alert, white farmhouse by a streetlight, distant shouting.

Well, wasn't supposed to be working today anyway.

Bbq ended up happening after all, more of a dinner party, very nice, had some strange alcoholic beverages, Ukrainian honey/chile vodka, pine nut vodka, finest blackberry wine from fair New Jersey. People seemed to like the pie.

Got worried about Peretz & came home.

Back to four simultaneous Scrabble games.

Feeling extremely worried, afraid. It's making my stomach hurt. Really don't enjoy fear, dislike it enough that sometimes it makes me wish I didn't care about anybody so I didn't have to feel it. Don't feel afraid for myself much, maybe not really at all. Find it a little hard to relate when people do, actually.

Kind of cloudy, hope it clears out for meteors.

Too lazy to go for local soda, returned Cooper's DVD, went & got my local apricots, got a 'Fruits of the Forest' pie for bbq that was supposed to be happening in T's folks back yard, sounds like her dad may be too tired, oh well, have a pie anyway, anybody want some?

Very sleepy, feeling a bit broken inside, happens sometimes when I'm sleepy.

May over to work in a bit & check on status of ongoing server migration, it's making me a bit nervous.

Finished one of four simultaneous Scrabble games, ended the game forming 'um' & 'cum,' even though I lost, feel like I won.

Got call from Chris indicating he & Emily are safely home, thanking me for my time & trouble, no trouble at all. Got back really late apparently, they were woken shortly after going to bed by what sounded like a human scream, owl it turns out, not what they seem.

Playing four simultaneous games of Scrabble.

Have thought of an attractive Scrabble variant, Burns Scrabble, in which the dictionary consists solely of words appearing in the work of the poet Robert Burns.

Went to the Farmer's Market, got dilly beans, got burritos for T & myself. Thinking local soda, local apricots.

Another lovely morning for a walk, 'Father & Son', 'Mother & Child Reunion' stuck in my head, the second kind of a lousy song, always liked that it was named after a Chinese dish, chicken & egg.

Let myself get opened up, person who did that seems to have had second thoughts about that being a good idea, I've given it a lot of thought myself & decided it's better, sticking with it.

"I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears
Night and morning with my tears,
And I sunned it with smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright,
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine -

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning, glad, I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree."

Believe I've said it before, or perhaps just implied it, but people should really read more Blake.

If one feels wronged by something done by two people for which both of them, on the face of it, seem equally blameworthy, and one, for external reasons, wishes to reapportion blame onto only one of the two, an easy way to do that is to treat the one you want to let off as lacking moral agency. Would rather be blamed, even twice as much as I deserve, than infantilized. Nice when people get what they prefer even when they aren't given the opportunity to choose.

No facts about the world imply a reaction to those facts.

'Let My Love Open the Door' stuck in my head, perils of driving around listening to classic rock radio, perils of irregular Capitalization. Sneezing my head off. The Classical! The conventional is now experimental.

Damn, can't stop sneezing.

Peretz grows impatient, cry havoc!

Morning Scrabble, Morning Woods Hole!

Peretz wants out, need to drink more coffee first.

Bit chilly out, nice change.

T's upstairs, slaving away.

Trying to think of something fun to do today.

Drinking my vodka & lime.

Time goes slowly then all in a rush.

Enjoying the cool weather.

Playing Gameboy Mario Kart, drinking guaraná soda. T's Gameboy kick has got her talking about playing SNES games years back, Bust-A-Move, Tetris Attack, Yoshi's Island. She's particularly into my talking up Yoshi's Island, can't blame her, it's pretty great. Think it's got my favorite control scheme of any video game I've ever played, simple but flexible, very inspiring. Easy, fun, clever, beautiful, immersive- everything should be like that. Yoshi!

Kind of wishing there were some tykes around to tell what's what. Weird attitude for me, maybe, getting weirder all the time, I guess. Oh, well.

Should spend some more time thinking about design soon, just in case.

In the course of packing up her stuff, T unearthed a sun-faded photo cube of my grandma's, its faces pictures of my brother & me.

Here's one of me & my first dog, Huckleberry.



We didn't have Huckleberry very long. He was run over by the milkman. My babysitter was afraid to tell me what had happened, so waited for my mom to get home from work, on her arrival, I told her all about it.

This is my brother & I with my second dog, Skye.



Skye escaped the house during her first heat & was gang raped by the neighborhood dogs, because she was so young, she had to have a therapeutic abortion. Shortly after that she was hit by a car & developed hip problems that would last the rest of her life. She also developed a flea allergy which made most of her hair fall out and put her in a constant nasty temper. Always very protective of us. She lived a long, if not a happy, life. When my mom took her to the vet to be put to sleep, they were playing the Mourner's Kaddish on NPR.

Peretz is my third dog. He's doing great.

Guess it's unreasonable to expect any acknowledgment or indication of awareness of flakiness or instability from somebody who's acting really flaky and unstable, probably unreasonable to expect even an acknowledgment that they might seem so to a reasonable observer.

Well, as it turns out, I'm actually pretty reasonable & didn't really expect that.

Would've appreciated it.

Haven't managed to work in any kinky sex acts since last we spoke, have however made fancy tomato sandwiches for T & myself, quite a nice sensual experience itself, perhaps not as mentally involving, maybe that's good.

Filled ice cube trays with water, going to make myself one or more vodka & limes later. Got myself a little cocktail shaker for that purpose.

While waiting for laundry to dry, went down to Table & Vine for coffee, makings of fancy tomato sandwiches. Spent the drive down thinking a wide variety of vile, animalistic thoughts.

Well- not animalistic, really- deeply perverse in ways that, to the best of my knowledge, only humans can be.

Human enough for government work, anyway.

Nasty, vicious brute with eight hands; innocence itself. All down to point of view. 'That's my little octopussy!'

Mmm, thoughtcrime, tomato sandwiches.

Thinking about T saying to me some time ago, "This isn't the way to win her back, you know." Never understand where people get their ideas about my motivations.

Done with work for the week, pretty much, back to Scrabble, not doing so well in my second game with my brother, a lot of vowels. Finding Scrabble pretty amusing, maybe some Chutes & Ladders later or something. Clue, perhaps. You are invited. We like games.

Having more coffee, T's playing Mario Kart on a Gameboy, should be packing. Peretz is lying beneath my legs. Happy times.

Should probably do some baking.

Just put Chris on a bus to NYC, finished a game of Facebook Scrabble with my brother. Victorious! It was a close one, only won because I was able to make a scrabble on the first move, 'treader.' We appear to enjoy a dense board, kind of hard, not many possibilities.

Weird vibratey feeling, feel that way a lot.

Time to make the donuts.

OK, so, breakfast then work then Kinesics & Context & laundry. Quite an exciting day.

Rainy, gray.

Wondering why anyone would want to make me as worried as I am. Shut up & soldier on, right?

Feet hurt.

When one is very clever & highly competent it's hard for anyone, including oneself, to believe that there is something terribly wrong. Have found this to be true both of myself & of others. Slowly gotten better at recognizing the things wrong with myself, not as many obstacles to that as some face, I gather. Not everything can be fixed. It's a shame.

Talking with Chris has been very helpful, has helped clarify what I've lost, what others have lost. I would say I've gotten off easier if it weren't for how others' losses affect me. It isn't pretty.

Up early so I can have breakfast with Chris before he gets on a bus to NYC. Preferable to getting up early to make DNS changes.

Silver Spoon, Silver Spoon.

Had the nicest dreams, I'd tell you all about them, but wouldn't want to offend.

Saw brown Citation exactly like my grandma's while in Amherst earlier, could've been hers actually if somebody rebuilt the engine.

Thinking about going down to fetch that from her apartment complex in Jersey after she went into the nursing home, T's first car, picked up Peretz from the Thomas J. O'Connor Animal Control Center in Chicopee on the drive home as he was scheduled to be executed the next day. Was in August, very hot, remember staying with him on the little red futon in the air conditioned room upstairs, he was so happy & scared, long time ago now, eight years?

Made pico, used both little red tomatoes & little orange tomatoes, it's quite tasty, will be tastier later.

My Ray Birdwhistell book arrived, went to Black Sheep for napoleons, also got berry tarts, apricot rugelach. Bought these things with my share of the money T got from dumping our change jar into a Golden Goat (actually I believe they're called CoinStars locally, less poetic- actually I think Golden Goats take cans not coins, anyway more poetic).

I find that with the things I actually care about taken away, free association & wordplay make pretty passable springs of action. Amor fati, I hold by my whimsy.

Discussing interesting item with my brother on IM, his company is auctioning it off, I guess.

Hard to decide if it's better to have chosen misery or to have had it thrust upon you.

Thinking about rereading The Nine Tailors, as I remember it's quite nicely plotted.

Got invitation to Henry & Nancy's wedding in the mail, addressed to me & guest, kind of depressing- anybody want to go to a wedding? I'm Best Man, so it'll be a chance to be in the spotlight...

Went & tried out Tramore Fish 'n' Chips with colleagues, no Andy, guess he works later in the day, but the fish 'n' chips were pretty damn good.

OK, more coffee, maybe go get a pastry.

Another lost tortoise found!



This one closer to home, found just a few doors down from me at Murphy's Realtors. Strange that this keeps happening, all happens so fast, Order Chelonia, secret signs.

Winged victory, shoes that never fit my feet,
too narrow. Cold hallowed hum of machines,
with a chill- recollections of seaside scenes.
An inner drum throbs, someone I'll never meet.
Fallow fields where pumpkins grew last summer,
then floated in a flood, bloated bodies rotting.
Becoming plant, becoming rock, becoming nothing,
weaker than I was, more vicious, dumber.
A vulgar sculpture in a concrete Parthenon,
in the field outside they play Frisbee and shout.
Thinking about replicas, division, doubt,
mud pies, cow eyes, the Whore of Babylon.
Thinking about thinking, about being a jerk,
penning verses for little dead things at my desk at work.

Lovely morning, delightful cool breezes, perfect for a walk.

Passing through the woods- "What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" The voices of children at play, children pushing little carts, pickup truck cart, turtle cart. Looking curiously at Peretz. Children on swings. I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

People can differ on what's sublime, what's vile, even with themselves.

Making myself a little more coffee, then off to push little data carts.

This week, Burckhardt's The Age of Constantine the Great has been serving as bathroom reading. Just reading about Septimius Severus:

"Despite its importance and its indispensable military significance as a stronghold against the barbarians of Pontus, Byzantium, where Pescennius' followers had defended themselves for a year, was razed to the ground, and its garrison, along with many of its inhabitants, was put to death. The world must be given an example of the fate of cities and factions which could not immediately choose among a number of rival usurpers that one who deserved enduring obedience.

Albinus' followers fared no better. Severus had come into possession of their correspondence; he might have burned the letters unread, as Caesar had burned the letters of the Pompeians. That would have been a generous gesture, but altogether unsuitable to the times; the question was no longer one of divergent principles and their amalgamation through reconciliation and persuasion, but simply of subjection. A crowd of senators and other notables in and out of Rome were executed; the Emperor delivered eulogies of Commodus before the Senate, people, and army, surely not out of conviction but in mockery of the Senate. In Rome itself, during this struggle for dominion, a spontaneous lamenting and wailing once broke out at the Circus games; an eyewitness could find no explanation for the phenomenon other than divine inspiration. 'O Rome, Queen, Immortal,' the multitudes shouted with a single voice, 'how long shall we suffer these things, how long will war be waged over us?' Ignorance of their future was the happier lot."

Strange resonances, everything a sign of something else, widely disparate items put into relationships that seem obvious and arbitrary by turn, little dioramas, sudden zooms, animation, dissolution. O Cardamom, Queen of Spices!

For the first time ever, wishing I had more Facebook friends so I'd have more people to play Scrabble with. Miss my grandma.

Discussing likely names for dog ballerinas in Borzoi Ballet with T. Peretz votes for Sobitchnikov. Lipski. He can't decide. He's gone into the other room to think.

Em & me, me & Em. Able was I ere I saw Elba.

Maybe go to Amherst tomorrow, get a Napoleon.

Just took a bunch of boxes of T's stuff over to her parents' where they're going to be packed into larger boxes then picked up by shippers. Toted boxes into garage while she & her mom pointed & kibitzed.

She stopped & got limes, pico tomorrow after work, I think.

Dog tired.

Time to walk the Peretz.

Went to fix supposed VPN client problem in Holyoke, turned out to be garden variety network connectivity issue.

Swung by Stop 'n' Shop after, got exotic soda, also blueberries, cottage cheese, multigrain bread. Should write a cookbook, Nostalgic Melancholy Diet, Melancholic Nostalgia Diet, decisions, decisions. Anyway, you wouldn't think it from all the dairy products, but it seems to be working.

You know, Em, I imagine you're not interested in hearing this from me, but you're being a big dope. What's worse- I think it's kind of cute.

Shit, forgot to get limes, was intending to make Pico, got corn chips & everything.

Maybe just as well I give this paper cut a chance to heal first.

Lovely sunset over the Oxbow.

Just cut up two cantaloupes for later consumption, going through the motions, heart's not in it.

Pretty unbearable out. Supposed to get nicer later, I hear.

Thinking about trying to get to a good spot to observe the Perseids Saturday night. Maybe somewhere in Vermont?

Somewhere along the course of the day got a paper cut on my right middle finger.

"Veteran of the Psychic Wars" stuck in my head, eating rocky road ice cream.

Sometimes things are just too much for little old me.

Oh, hell.

Bit of a busy day at work, not just for me, chaos all around. Finally got around to coming home for some food, need to take the dog out.

On this 19th anniversary of my first submission of myself to another for use as punching bag, thinking about why that seems to be how things go with me. Not sure if it's that I seem like I can take it or that I invite it or what, certainly can take it, do invite it, still hurts.

OK, walk the dog, back to work for a little more chaos, back home, then work-related house call at 7. Feeling pretty disoriented.

Pretty garden variety spam, finding them really funny, lack of sleep, I imagine.

"Helo, buddy!

Funny game. Carrie Ann Moss fucks Harry Potter... In your attachemnt.

Good Bye."

"Hello, dear!

Amusing game. Nicole Kidman fucks Luke Skywalker... In your attachemnt.

Thanks."

"Good evening, friend!

Funny game. Carrie Ann Moss fucks Dart Wader... In your attachemnt.

Best Regards."

"Helo, friend!

Funny game. Carrie Ann Moss fucks Luke Skywalker... In your attachemnt.

Bye."

"Hi, dear!

Funny game. Lara Croft fucks Luke Skywalker... In your attachemnt.

Regards."

"Good Day, man!

Amusing game. Nicole Kidman fucks Dart Wader... In your attachemnt.

Regards."

That Dart Wader & his boy sure get around.

DNS thing seems to have gone OK, lots of other chaos to keep me occupied. Sort of like an airplane toilet.

Thinking about pachinko, been fascinated with pachinko machines ever since first seeing them as a child, was it in Montreal? Stochastic turbulence, little metal balls, white noise, beeps, my kind of thing.

8/8/1988, went on my first date with my first really serious girlfriend, it was her 17th birthday, Emack & Bolio's on Mass Ave, walking around after finding it strange to be able to relate, being flamboyant, witty. Turned out, of course, that some just amazingly awful things had happened to her & she was going to do awful things to me as a consequence, funny how often that seems to happen. What I'm good for, perhaps. Almost twenty years ago, still all kinds of fucked up by it, old reliable.

Oh well, technical matters to tend to.

Little art project careening out of control, weird effects on my social environment, mostly pretty bad. Instructive anyway, probably should avoid being honest about what I'm thinking, will get back to that in a little while, try to be helpful, make occasional gnomic utterances, oooooom-ray & the like.

Woke to 'Dark Globe' playing on my computer, made me cry. Poor Syd, poor bird, brandish her wand with a feathery tongue.

Time is stretching out again, going to be a long August.

8/8, day for mistakes. Hope my little DNS changeover goes OK.

Got to feeling so agitated thought I might start smashing things, went out for a drive instead- smoking, shaking, crying- next thing I knew I was in Chicopee. Decided it probably wasn't the safest thing to be doing, didn't have any good reason to be in Chicopee, turned around & came home again.

Still shaking, might start smashing things.

Will probably have a brandy & go out for a walk with Peretz.

Trying to take someone else's thoughts as seriously as my own no matter the extent of disagreement, it's an interesting exercise, a bit unsettling, trying to make the best of it, not like I really have any choice in the matter.

Causing a bit more of an internal tumult than I'm really up to at the moment, very tired. As I say, not much choice about it. Tempting to go to sleep, a little scared of what the results of that might be, maybe wait for things to settle down a little.

I'm a scary monster.

Tomato sandwiches, ginger ale.

Want to be curled up in a ball, maybe do that in a bit, need to go into work early tomorrow anyway.

Going back & forth between feeling tired & sore but basically fine & like I've just left a war zone. Comes in waves.

Peretz is sitting with me, sighing.

Moving heavy monitors, kind of hurt all over, nowhere near as bad as yesterday.

Thinking some extremely morbid thoughts, think I'll keep them to myself.

Hearing about the world of massive data transfer, people like their videos.

Tra la la. Oh me, young & in love.

Leftover stew means actually eating lunch at lunch.

T's a ball of nerves.

Another strange experience with CompUSA's corporate purchasing system, they work at a different pace, kind of like a trip to the old country.

Mmm, stew.

Coming more & more to the conclusion that by & large the things that make me problematic to interact with are the same things that make me worthwhile to interact with, think this is probably true of most people who are at all interesting. Have no problem with people adding up debits & credits, making the economical choice.

Does assume a rational agent in a perfect information state. Have no problem with assumptions contrary to fact.

Minding my own business.

"I'm a little Daisy (hands together, at side of face, head tilted)
dressed in blue (hands pick up hem of uniform smock)
I am a Girl Scout (make 3 fingered sign)
you are too (point to neighbor)
When I go to meetings (hands out, palms up)
I sing and shout (hands cup around mouth)
I love being a Daisy Girl Scout (point to heart)"

I mean it.

Some day I'm going to murder the bugler.

Strange going out & being sociable last night, not what I'm accustomed to. John & Anna's house is nice.

Dreams didn't want to let me go, sorry to disappoint them.

Going to be a long week.

When I was in Beverly the other day, one of Brooke's roommates offered us the pick of any books we wanted from several boxes of them, mostly related to antiquarian concerns, which she'd purchased for $39. I took several, the pick of the lot- a heavily marked up & defaced student edition of Tacitus's De Vita Iulii Agricolae & De Germania. Enjoy.

Wired article about some of the stuff I was talking to Chris about on the drive home from Rosendale, some of the sentences are almost verbatim copies of things I was saying, it's a little weird. One of us, one of us.

For the second time in two days I've heard about somebody wanting to enter the U.S. from Canada to do art being turned back at the border for 'taking jobs away from Americans,' yesterday it was the woman teaching Emily's sculptural book class & I guess some phone calls from the organization and $65 sorted things out, today it was a guy driving down from Toronto to record with Chris & Matt Valentine in Brattleboro, no money involved at all, no organization to sort things out, sucks.

Waiting for stew to cook, going to go hang out with some pals in Holyoke later.

No, not those pals, other pals.

Cantaloupes, heirloom tomatoes, mmm.

Finally got around to making my stew, using up squash, chiles, etc., etc.

Chris brought me a Vitamin Water. Energy!!!

Muscle spasms in lower back.

Affectionate, worried, dry eyes wandering over nothing.

Finally got around to going over & helping the tiny non-profit people with their backup issues, stopped in for some nice Chinese after.

Fortune cookie says: "Your problems just become your stepping stone. Catch the moment."

Yikes.

Glazed sour cream donut.

Going to go for a little walk in the woods with Chris & Peretz momentarily.

Pain in the lumbar region.

Amazingly badly designed rotary off the exit to Rosendale, even more spectacularly badly designed directional sign accompanying it, wish I'd gotten pictures. Woman Emily's staying with told us the people doing it claimed it would make the exit safer. I guess the question is, for who?

Did I mention the real cream bismarks from Coffee Time in Salem? Pretty good.

I guess it's a roundabout, not a rotary, there's a picture of it in this lovely presentation by the ITE Working Group on Roundabout Accessibility Issues.

Overdid it a bit over the weekend, muscles hurt. It's pretty great.

Before going out to Rosendale yesterday, managed to work in a little more whirlwind tour, White Hut, Donut Dip. The fries at White Hut are really something else.

Trying to get my head together for work, too much going on in it, emotional range, typical. Maybe a shower will help.

Got Emily safely ensconced in her art hideaway in upstate NY, not far enough away to avoid phone call from work, easy issue to deal with from a distance thankfully.

Nice talk with Chris on the drive back about our respective emotional problems, he seems to think I'm intrinsically worthwhile, a bit eccentric of him I think. Anyway, the feeling's mutual.

Just threw back a Harmony Springs birch beer, heating up the oven for frozen pizza.

Having friends visit is pretty great.

Thinking about Sacher-Masoch, wondering if a written contract wouldn't've been helpful.

Always taken by surprise by people's failures to honor oral agreements, do my best to honor mine.

Lack of discipline, jeez.

Whirlwind tour of valley, went by Hampshire to show Emily where Cherry Blossoms played, went by farm center to visit with goats & lovable sway-backed donkey, Flayvors of Cook Farm for ice cream & Harmony Springs, quick walk across the railroad bridge over the Connecticut.

Nice to be showing people I love places I love again. Talking about opening up Skee-B-Cue, maybe with local soda, compromise solutions sometimes better than original plan. We'll see what happens.

Also thinking publishing empire again. We'll see what happens.

People take pictures of each other.

Chris just said, "When I had just finished college, every August I felt like something new should be beginning." Damn.

Body tending to frivolity, ghost looking to other business, things that should be happening but aren't. Strange doubling, expect it to continue, particularly intense & disconcerting at the moment.

People are admiring Peretz.

OK, off to AmChi, nature walk, upstate NY.

Uploading multimedia documentation of fun time had by all.

Went to Joseph Cornell exhibit before going to Clown Day, kind of hard to look at between people standing between me & the exhibits, mostly reading the descriptions, & his widespread influence on the widespread design culture. Why are people so into curiosity cabinets these days? Spent some quality time outside exhibit talking to Brooke about her set decoration job & my worries.

By the time we got to Salem Willows, Clown Day was winding down, ventriloquist clown singing xmas carols with bird, other clowns sitting somberly on row of folding chairs.

Got some very nice fried clams, popcorn also quite good. Hot day, beautiful glare off the harbor.

Skee ball was a little weird due to the previously mentioned plastic balls, bouncier than I'm used to, did manage one 500 point game with the poppybird method, scoreboard didn't register the last hundred, frustrating. Kicked Brooke's ass & good in air hockey, walked by the seaside.

Went back to Brooke's for a while, then drove to ridiculously busy seafood restaurant in Gloucester with Brooke's two college age incredibly nervous roommates in tow. Looked at whale watch paraphernalia, drank beer while waiting. Intense claustrophobic experience once seated, very good fish chowder. Causeway Restaurant, good if you like busy.

More hanging out at Brooke's, being silly, talking about 'Shave your pits', talking in funny voices.

Drove back very late, hate 95, got back home & had interesting discussion of the seemingly ever-increasing interest in fabrics, stuffed animals, etc. among the arty set. Wondering how much it's down to that Mike Kelley Sonic Youth cover.

Anyway, just great to see people, enjoy spending time with my friends, going to go do some more of that now.

Too sleepy to say much about things, but really lovely to see people.

Trip to Salem Willows was made complete just as it began by Masshole screaming at Brooke from passing car, "Ooug, shave your pits!"

Skee ball machines there are very nice large models & only a quarter a game, pity about the plastic balls, really, WTF?

Chris & Emily came back up here with me, more friendly activities tomorrow.

Laid awake till quite late last night, listening to Love & Brian Eno, sketching out ideas for books in my head.

All images, word games, symbol systems at this point, no characters, plotting.

A lot of doubling, should bone up on my comic plotting, maybe reread those 'Blandings' books, some Hoffmann.

I'm thinking two books, a sort of mother-daughter pair, something to keep me company. Will probably start working on those come Fall, once the aloneness has had a chance to sink in.

Blueberries & sour cream.

Tubes & Cubes, pale blue carpet.

Was it the bit with the liver that made her toss Portnoy's Complaint aside? Made me think I'd found someone I could relate to when I read that as a kid.

Attitudes to sexual & other mores aside, my grandma & I were a lot alike, fond of word games & fresh fruit, hypercritical.

Was it in 'Goodbye, Columbus' that the poor, Jewish kid from the city went out to the suburbs and there was a refrigerator stuffed with fresh fruit?

Philip Roth went to my mom's high school. So did Jerry Lewis.

Her 50th high school reunion's next May, at the shore. May go down & play skee ball.

Got back from preparatory errands at 11:11 on the dot. Made a wish.

Stopped at store & got sour cream so I could have blueberries & sour cream in the morning & think about my grandma.

Then I'll drive to Beverly- art, skee ball, friends, clowns, mystery.

When someone I love is in terrible danger, it's easy for me to forget that there are other people I love as well. But there are.

Tell me how you know what you're giving up again, I dare ya.

Clown Day is go. Pleased as punch.

Going to go gas up the car & get skee ball money from an ATM machine machine now.

Whee!

Love you folks, sorry if that upsets you, it probably shouldn't- I think you're great.

Maybe stop & get some ice cream from the megamart...

Was feeling pretty sad for a bit, between the thunderstorms and Clown Day- pleased as punch.

Just heard from Chris Davis, he & Emily are en route from NYC to Boston on the Chinatown bus, going to stay in Beverly tonight, some talk of meeting up tomorrow for Clown Day at Salem Willows, nothing definite yet, the call dropped.

Pretty excited at the prospect of Clown Day, suits my mood. Scary, fucked up.

Eggplant came out tasty, between that & walking around sweltering with P, too tuckered out to make stew or anything else, maybe tomorrow.

Funny sort of affectionate irritability, people can be so fucking stupid, it's kind of adorable.

Sweaty, sick of being sweaty.

Did some dishes, listening to My Dark Places, expecting a right hook, get a left jab, maybe a frog punch. Switch things up, you don't know what to expect.

Roasting eggplants, might make a stew as well, might put that off till tomorrow.

You just don't know.

Maybe blueberry muffins.

Decided that, absurdly hot out or not, I wanted to watch some ducks. Took photos. No sign of Famous Duck, probably moved on to greener pastures.

After that, was thinking about swinging by Rao's for coffee, didn't want to walk around in the hot anymore so went to Atkins instead, got olive oil, local peaches & blueberries, 19th Hole. Was tempted to get Harmony Springs soda but they carry neither the flavors nor the bottles I prefer. Maybe a Ludlow/West Springfield beverage excursion tomorrow.

Drove back via Holyoke to avoid huge mess being caused by closure of section of Route 9, driving up 5 was thinking about talking with the head of the Art Department the other day about rumors about local entertainment dirtbag Eric Suher's plans for the Mountain Park site, learned that it was during her high school prom that the Stardust Ballroom burned down.

Thinking about 'Our Founder', being a person who names things.

Ordered a copy of Kinesics & Context as well as an Au Pairs comp, strange to be buying myself things again.

Too darn hot. Kind of want to go watch ducks, think it's too hot.

Need coffee, olive oil.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Last little while at work for the week, trying to think of any loose ends.

Reflecting on my narrow escape from becoming a trophy wife.

Weird to have been admired for my presentability, imagine that'll remain a unique experience. Probably best.

Thinking about Bugs Bunny as a representation of the American character, always been more of a Daffy Duck man myself, screwball flag & all.

Thinking about sitting on a couch in my parents' house with T years ago, watching The Thin Man. Strange, the moments when you realize someone loves you, doesn't happen to me that often for whatever reason. Probably for the best.

Anybody want to come over, have a bit too much to drink & watch Bringing Up Baby?

I was born on the side of a hill.

Feeling rather Byronic. Pity there's no revolution to go die in.

Reading about bird monogamy- 'Reports of extra-pair copulations -- henceforth, E.P.C.'s -- in animals previously thought to be monogamous have come hot and heavy during the last decade. Increasingly, biology journals have featured articles with titles such as "Behavioral, Demographic, and Environmental Correlates of Extra-Pair Fertilizations in Eastern Bluebirds," "Extra-Pair Copulations in the Mating System of the White Ibis," "Extra-Pair Paternity in the Shag, as Determined by DNA Fingerprinting," "Genetic Evidence for Multiple Parentage in Eastern Kingbirds," "Extra-Pair Paternity in the Black-Capped Chickadee," "Density-Dependent Extra-Pair Copulations in the Swallow," and "Patterns of Extra-Pair Fertilizations in Bobolinks." We've even seen these oxymoronic reports: "Promiscuity in Monogamous Colonial Birds" and "Extra-Pair Paternity in Monogamous Tree Swallows."'

Thinking about Ray Birdwhistell.



He digesteth harde yron.

People find it hard to forgive being made ridiculous, mostly because it's always something they do to themselves.

Always best to have someone else to blame for one's problems.

Best of all, of course, is never to be born at all.

For a few days been thinking of the strange equivalence of the Holyoke Range & the Pleiades. Should really get a Subaru.

Fell asleep late, popped awake early, all in readiness. Dreams of the nonorganic, becoming rock, igneous, sedimentary, metamorphic.

Late nights as a six year old, side of a Simon and Garfunkel LP on repeat, mind awake to everything. It never stops.

Very hot in yoga studio, shirt soaked through, little vision quest.

While listening to Cooper play, got the idea that we should round up a bunch of people, go somewhere with a lot of skee ball machines, play exactly $250 worth of skee ball & see what we can get for prizes. Talked to some people about it, sounds like it'll happen in early September. In a way, it would be funny to put it off till Yom Kippur, maybe also get fried clams. I think early September might be more convenient. Need to look into likely destinations.

Eating salt & vinegar potato chips with Cooper, telling him about ibogaine, I realized I was feeling just fine. Strange. Very worried, but I'm just fine.

Think one long-term effect of being forced to watch somebody I care about being a lot more self-destructive than I am has been to make me a lot less so. Would really like to make the world a nicer place for people to be in. Have some ideas.

T's application form & cover letter are ready to go. Munching on pastries (some asshole made me a salad plate for dinner).

Going to go check out some music at a yoga studio in town, new age, good vibes kind of stuff.

Stern & serious, thinking about Pet Intelligencer layout, presentation & content. Have some good ideas. Word search puzzles. Love a good word search puzzle.

Cold vegetable plate, cukes, tomatoes, greens, with cheese herb bread from Merlings, very summery.

Fucking exhausted.

Feet hurt.

Pushing Pet Intelligencer on the publisher, seems the 'Mohawk Trail' bit is a no go, sadly. Going to try pushing Mohawk Trail & Pioneer Valley Pet Intelligencer, feels like a bit of a sellout, they probably won't go for making it a daily either.



Not my pic, my pal paupautree's.

T got word of some attractive job openings at the SFPL, hope they hire her, they'd be fools not to.

Went to Greenfield, did my little network monkey dance, hop & skip. WAN file synchronization for fun & profit, going to go do a little hula around some non-profit LAN file synchronization later. Took a little walk around town before driving back, picked up some baked goods at Mirlings. Really quite a beautiful city, lots of attractive, affordable 3 families to be had.

Weak, short-sighted, huddled together for warmth, coneys in a field, afraid of the wise old owl.

Contemptuous of a lot of things, up here on my high perch, not love.

Drove back down 5, looked at farmland. Sounds like Henry's thinking of buying a farm, some things you only get to do by proxy. Know quite a bit about proxies, sometimes wish I knew less.

Another late night, drinking, reading, watching the moon pass behind clouds.

Hazy morning, outside & in, Peretz desperately wanted out, warm sun, cool breezes. Going to be another scorcher, I gather.

Need to drive up to Greenfield for work in a bit, try a little network trickery.

It's easy to be very open when nobody really gets what you're saying. Desperate play, echoes from funny corners, secret networks atop the public network. Thought you got it, stupid of me. Red planet take me home.

At the end of Moravagine, Moravagine, killer of women, travels to Mars. On Mars they have only one word for everything, 'kay-ray-kuh-ko-kex' - an onomatopoeia, supposedly.

Erinnerung, ring around the rosie, memento mori.

More brandy.

Looking to be a big month for alcoholic beverages & why not?

Wishing I were distributing presents. Maybe I should, not sure who to, not sure that matters.

"You know that I could be in love with almost everyone, I think that people are the greatest fun," the amount that this resonates with me, it's hard to explain. Can barely relate to most people, still very, very fond of them. It's hard to explain.

Actually only in love with one person. She thinks that both she & I are monsters. Maybe we are.

The nicest sort of monsters in my opinion.

Going to pour myself some more brandy.

Wonder about people sometimes.

Hurt themselves, lie to themselves, cheat themselves out of happiness- these aren't unusual things, common, normal even. Makes me glad I've never been very normal.

Seeing things with an unpleasant clarity. Vast, still sadness where there could have been movement & life. Why would you want to do that to yourself?

Fond of quiet, I guess.

Another close encounter with fox, this time in Phys Plant dumping area, less spooked this time, kind of curious. Secret sign?

Sign that I'm too exhausted & sad to be remotely intimidating to anybody remotely in touch with reality, including small forest creatures, perhaps?

Had some nostalgic multigrain toast with oleo & cottage cheese.

IMing with my pal Henry as he rides home on express bus, he's got ritzy new cell modem. A bit jealous.

Lauding arts, languid star-
Atlas during dang rituals.
Garland suit, radiant slug,
Diurnal stag, astral Id gun.

At work doing too many different things at once, got a bit addled, read a little bit of the Posterior Analytics to clear my head, not as funny as it sounds unfortunately, remember how disappointed Peretz was when he first read that.

Forgot to slip on a hoodie on the way out of the house, bit chilly in here.

When people who know me don't believe what I say it's kind of like when they patronize me, makes me think something's really wrong with them. That's been borne out by experience pretty well, unlikely to stop thinking that way. Try to have respect for experience.

Diagnostics, monitoring. Sometimes wish I were a bit less like that.

Hard to resist the temptation to try to reassemble people's fragmented personalities, can make me more insensitive than I'd like, know perfectly well that sometimes there are good reasons to be fragmented, segmented, walled-off. Sometimes being a person is just too damn hard and people need to be something else for a while, sometimes forever.

Sometimes trying to help just makes things more difficult. No wish to make things more difficult.

Sorry about that.

More scary dreams, real world is scarier actually.

Peretz is grumpy, just a little more coffee & I'll take him out.

Being more bookish is being quite helpful, not helping with the whole lack of sleep thing, but have come back to a realization I first had long ago- if I'm going to be lying awake anyway, might as well do some improving reading.

Hands are shaking. Coffee, coffee.

Want me to be terribly frightened & hurt, want me to be OK- hard to do both at once, getting better at it.

Like to do what's wanted. A little union of opposites is no great trick given a little time to work out the dynamics.

Strong, subtle mind, can do pretty much any damn thing. Can't help but think they are other ways I could be more useful.

Oh, well, you know best, dear.