"We might even say that everywhere on earth nowadays where there is still solemnity, seriousness, mystery, gloomy colours in the lives of men and people, something of that terror is still at work, the fear with which in earlier times on earth people made promises, pledged their word, or praised something. The past, the longest, deepest, most severe past, breathes on us and surfaces in us when we become 'solemn.' When the human being considered it necessary to make a memory for himself, it never happened without blood, martyrs, and sacrifices—the most terrible sacrifices and pledges (among them the sacrifice of the first born), the most repulsive self-mutilations (for example castration), the cruellest forms of ritual in all the religious cults (and all religions are at bottom systems of cruelty)—all that originates in that instinct which discovered that pain was the most powerful means of helping to develop the memory."

This passage has seemed very significant to me for a long time, moreso right now, the world has been trying to teach me some things, slowly getting it, I think. Trying to work out an acceptable balance of ways I can be which would be more adequate to the current situation, it's coming together, I think, it's painful.

Had a dream last night about finding someone I love very much covered in blood. There was no way to tell where it was coming from and when I tried to ask, the answer was distant and indistinct, couldn't understand a thing, started drifting off into the distance. Spent a good long while awake after that, thinking.

Things are being challenging, I'm doing my best.