Explosions in the distance, voluminous holiday-themed spam, copying files to archive, etc., etc.

Like a bad joke, knows ten languages, lousy communication skills, how do I get myself in these situations? Perverse.

Thinking about some behavioral patterns that don't seem like they could possibly be all that common, wondering what I do to attract people who manifest them, maybe they're just a lot more common than I imagine, scary.

Scary, perverse.

Brooding about hotel planned for the Roundhouse lot while walking Peretz, I'm told people may be making some progress on getting it to be less of an eyesore, doesn't change the fact that a playground is being ripped out to enable still more rich hoohas to come & clog our streets in search of middlebrow tchachkas & bad Italian food.

Don't know, guess I think encouraging the growth of actual industry might make more sense, the plan seems to be preparing for our being a seaside resort by 2050, likely enough I suppose, the real bellwether will be the opening of Mexican/pizza restaurants, maybe it's already happened, been kind of distracted lately.

Also did some brooding about how frustrating I find it being so difficult, it's a bit of a dilemma, strong need to be useful to people, that's how I'm most useful, but people tend not to care much for it. On with the relentless critical rigor, I guess, doesn't mean I don't love you, means I do, actually, funny way of showing it is all.

Can't stop sneezing.

Thinking about how funny people are. Funny & sad.

Going to go into work for a while in a bit, always interesting being there on holidays.

Still not much in the way of actual sleep.

Head hurts something awful. Spent quite a while on the phone with my mom, she's getting glasses for the first time, non-reading glasses anyway, she told me about a mutual friend's getting glasses as a child, realizing that the leaves on trees were separate, talked about when I first got glasses, noticed the Moon had surface features. She told me various stories of woe, friend's kid with Asperger's out on his own, drew the attention of neighborhood hardware store owners buying stuff for tinkering projects, called the cops on him, he'd made some sort of incendiary device among other things, now in the loving arms of the state mental health system, other friend's marriage on the rocks over exuberant & ill-informed stock trading, yikes.

Feel pretty well off comparatively, young & in love, external circumstances not the best, never much gave a shit about those. Sitting on the couch with Peretz, Scorsese movie's on, headache, sure, headache. Fuck it, I can see things clearly, all's well.

Ate some nutritious leftovers & got myself together enough to do some dishes & go pick up some things at the market. Say what you will about living in an age of ever more cynically pointless war, the ice cream is top notch. Enjoying some now, clearly recognizing the decadence of one's era has its advantages.

Ice cream is clearing my head nicely, no chance of it rectifying my manner of expression, sadly. Wish I were better at getting things across, think you'd enjoy them more over there if they weren't horribly mutilated in transit.

Maybe not, look what attempting that did to tomatoes.

Feeling just dreadful, swimming in lake, sitting on rocks by seaside, pancake breakfasts, afternoon tea, etc. looking better all the time.

Gone from being too exhausted to be upset about things to too exhausted to avoid feeling upset about things, little bee flitting from flower to flower, sweetness & light.

Half fell asleep while writing this.

Big day for needing to be in two places at once, good thing I've been getting my astral body back in fighting trim.

Real body's not doing so well, need more sleep, anybody want to pat my head & make it all better? Thought not.

Keep imagining that closing my eyes will make my head stop hurting, doesn't.

Stuck at the conclusion of our last reasonable conversation, not a bad place to be stuck, better than where you seem to be, frankly. Waiting in the wings for a return to sanity, not so bad in the wings, making myself comfortable, watching the show go on, funny angle on it.

Nursing fears & resentments, sad substitutes, people make do with what they have, I suppose. Try to stick to visions of beauty myself, imagine I'll get one or another of them realized eventually, maybe not, still worth trying, I think.

Grim prospect of work edging closer to reality, agh.

Groggy, stuffy-headed, 'Fort USA' stuck in my head in the shower.

Back to four hours sleep a night, apparently. Work should be a blast.

Just finished reading book of Donald Davidson essays, useful in clarifying some things to myself, I think, doubt you'd be much interested.

Scifi book is also being quite helpful.

Come away, o human child.

So damn tired, still can't sleep.

People want lies, want to be lied to. Not any good at that. Oh, I'm quite adept at lying, just not about the things people want to be lied to about. For somebody who's very happy to just do what other people want, it's a bit of a problem. Anyway, just not any good at it, something I'm stuck dealing with, others can deal with it or not, just as they please. Really, I understand perfectly.

Not everything, but probably more than you'd expect.

Been treated to an experience that had every appearance of being designed to maximize the suffering of all involved. Don't for a moment imagine it was intentionally or consciously so designed, pretty sure it was so designed nonetheless. Mental illness can be a very disturbing thing, sometimes people really need pain and to cause pain in others, just how it is. I have a tendency to unusually lucid and intense emotional pain, ideal subject, glad to be of service. Quite honestly.

Going to try to sleep. Love ya.

T was just commenting on my maddeningly repetitive use of the phrase "Nice to (blank)." You think people know you. Maybe I should read 'In the Penal Colony' aloud at storytime later, better yet, why don't you read it and not talk to anyone about it.

Mad Libs, little songs I sing to myself, etc., etc. Don't mean anything by it.

Never mind.

T ended up not going out to dinner, managed to shake off fatigue enough to make burritos for all, change a light bulb, take out the recycling, think that's about my limit for useful activity for today.

One advantage of total exhaustion is that I can't muster up much in the way of feelings, enjoying that, mildly.

Hurt all over, flushed, should probably take the dog out. Never too tired for labors of love.

Falling asleep at my desk, soothing fan noise, kind of pleasant, should maybe bring that doggy bed I got for xmas in here, stick it in the corner or something, floor's kind of dusty though.

Eyes hurt.

Feeling worried, not as upset as yesterday, too tired.

Think T may be going out for dinner, too tired to think about dinner, should really eat something other than multigrain pretzels some time today.

Maybe a burrito.

Making trembly progress through the day, reminding me of my grandfather's parkinsonian benediction at my Bar Mitzvah, shaking hands extended toward the multitude, added a touch of drama, very memorable.

Little vibrating dot, harmless as can be, bleh.

Feel like I might throw up, probably won't, might be better if I did.

Got called into work the second my coffee finished brewing, dead switch, easy to fix, but not a very auspicious beginning of the workweek.

Feel like hell, misery/panic state interfered rather seriously with sleep, loved one's corpse popping up rather frequently once sleep was achieved. Some things get drilled into my head & stay there, sorry. Be OK, OK? Think dignified & old.

Finally drinking my coffee, got to walk dog, think shower may need to wait till later, ick.

Spent some time reading, then T showed up and took Peretz & I out to observe the impressive moonrise, sounds like it was more impressive before it cleared the range, still pretty neat, large & orange, brought back happy memories, well, happy for me anyway.

Feeling really bad, residual terrors, finding out somebody I loved very intensely was stuck in a rut likely to kill her was the most frightening thing that had ever happened to me, her falling back into it was even more frightening, turns out. Hoping I stay frightened, frankly.

Frightened & hurt, natural state, you'd think I'd get used to it, sometimes it seems like I have.

Peretz is stalking about, jingling.

Trembling, stomach in a knot, several very unsettling spasms while walking with P just now. Amazingly beautiful day, not fit to be out in it.

Thinking about making myself a cup of tea, you know what they say about robotic lions.

Scifi book is helping a little but not enough, would be better if eyes would stop darting around, tea might help with that.

OK, tea.

Feeling really fucked up, went & got a large quantity of dog treats for Peretz & a scifi novel, maybe that'll help ride this out.

Tired of being so sad about something I can't really talk about without hurting other people, just go on coming off as an overreacting crazy person, I guess, doesn't make much difference to me really, not much does, for most intents & purposes, I'm done caring.

Pure pain, pity I don't have any religious beliefs that valorize that, maybe not, pretty sure it would still suck.

About fucking had it with caring about people that don't care about me, should probably figure out a way to stop, as it is, I end up feeling like I've been hit in the face all the damn time.

May go lie in the dark some more, that was pretty OK.

Rather looking forward to living alone.

Woke up pretty early, then spent quite a long time lying in the dark, musing, brooding, feeling sorry for myself & others, it was pretty OK. Having some trouble adapting to the waking, sunlight world, it's pretty amazing out, maybe it would be worth it.

Working on cleaning out the dusty corners of my head so I can respond more adequately to present situations, keep finding interesting things, spend lots of time examining them, could use a good brainwashing.