Folks are on their way home, big snow yesterday, nice xmas despite nasty head cold.

Peretz seems to be perking up a bit on new canned food diet, hurray.

Show in New Hampshire tomorrow, hope throat stops hurting.

Made french toast and bacon, hardly any butter, need to go grocery shopping.

Blustery, cold. Should be doing some work, but can't seem to get my head around it.

On Thanksgiving, I slipped and fell down the stairs, no real injuries, slight burn on wrist from railing.

Strange that the big tree out front still has some leaves on it.

Home from L's dad's funeral, watching Macy's Parade with Peretz.

Coffee is brewing.

Woke at 11:11. Happy Armistice Day. Wars continue.

House pervaded with the scent of snickerdoodles. Peretz is pacing about impatiently.

Foggy headed.

Lots on my mind, nothing much to say about it. Been going here and there, doing lots of things, not much to say about it.

Peretz seems older and frailer all the time.

Spent most of the last week with an odd cold, the main symptoms of which were extreme sleepiness and a cloudy head. Frustrating to not be able to get much work done, finding most things frustrating lately, so rarely feel in the swing of things, bored, unmotivated.

Nice quiet morning doing nothing much. Should arrange more of same. Dogs like it. I like it.

Just spoke briefly with Chris, sounds like he's making serious efforts to arrange interesting musical activities for Jen & me in Nashville. Nice folks always nice.

Rainy, drear, I like it.

OK, no more beautiful salt marsh to gaze upon, back to work.

Hectic day yesterday of packing, driving, unpacking, garden party, show then another show. Really nice to come back to so many delightful friends.

Peretz seems to appreciate the return to familiar surroundings.

So, breakfast, work, work, work.

In an outrageously pleasant and palatial house on a cove in Wellfleet- lovely amusing people, frolicking dogs, extremely tasty food.  Had, for example, a particularly delightful plate of halibut sashimi with a light yuzu sauce. Head intermittently filled with horrific nightmare images, couldn't ask for a nicer spot for it.

Difficult day, particularly at work, lots of fear and trembling. L. is making pasta with red sauce, farm share peppers. Should probably open an all night soda shop.

While there are always pretty major gaps between my rich inner life and what I am able to successfully express, as I suppose there are with everyone, mine seem particularly overwhelming to contemplate lately, much less try to bridge, though I've been doing quite a lot of both, to the exclusion of other things I should really be doing, honestly.

I've been very unsettled all summer, having difficulty concentrating, eagerly jumping into any activity that has me out and moving around. That's been fairly productive artistically, I guess, to the neglect of everything else.

Spent time looking at some old photos with T just before she left for the airport, I looked so calm and pleasant at 25 or whatever, I imagine I mostly look like that now as well.  Anyway, like I say, major gaps.  Night before that, she was over at the house, visiting with Peretz.  Realistically, it's likely to be their last visit. He's in the kitchen having some water now.

We did a lot of recording in a fancy recording studio last week, results sound pretty neat, lots of mixing to do.

Need to buy coffee, dog food, pick up farm share, maybe I'll even manage to cook some of it.

Kept up late by panic attack, pretty extreme foot & leg discomfort.

Sweating at desk, periodically stretching crampy foot.

Picnic later, then tedious NYC.

Show in Brooklyn tomorrow I've been dreading, will be good to done with it.

It's funny to periodically realize that I have no idea how I'd actually like to be treated.  Ridiculous, really.

Hurt my left foot the other day, sick of limping.

Got T. from the airport this AM, then took a long nap, first successful nap in many days of wanting a nap.  Got asked a lot of questions regarding conspiracy theories.  I am not an enthusiast.

Too much art, sleepy. Last night, screaming in the Boston Common with foil wrapped around my head.

Made some cuminy potato salad, bacony kale.

Keep trying to nap, but it isn't working.

If anyone ever proposes to you that you should play a bunch of shows late at night as the tail end of your relaxing vacation while having farewell breakfasts and shuttling people to and from the airport and so forth, think about it carefully. I'm not saying don't do it, but, boy am I tired.

Vacation was pretty damn swell and so was the exhausting flurry described above, honestly. Chris came up from Nashville to play with us, got to take him and Jen on whirlwind tour of Mt. Desert, lots of nice, somewhat intense chats, pretty damn swell.

Bit of a slow reentry to work, but honestly, who fucking cares? Band chili/listening party later.

Peretz seems to have really enjoyed what will in all likelihood be his last Maine vacation, can't tell you how much that pleases me.  We're on the couch now, me typing, him cleaning his forepaws.

Maine family vacation, synthesizers, lobster stew, foggy mountaintop, long nap, satellite Internet. These remarks come to you via outer space, very slowly.

Peretz is confused by the whole upstairs/downstairs business. New stairs are scary stairs, poor blind pup.

My dad is already ill, vacation doesn't agree apparently.

Drowning in molasses, slow, sickly sweet. Friday can't come soon enough.

Planned work for fall has evaporated, more running about, less peaceful home-bound typing for me, I guess.

Really very tired, looking at database schemata not really working out. Instead chatting with pal about songs of unrequited love and heartbreak. The areas of my expertise & c.

Need to start reading or at least watching movies with more regularity, keep skip skipping about like a waterbug.

Really lack adequate resources to cope with feeling sad, crap.

Late night last night, went with parents to visit their now New England dwelling former colleagues, nice, hot, donburi, gelato, got home late, tired, tired equals sad.

Absent-mindedly forgot it was Tuesday so didn't pick up farm share until after midnight, who knows when I'll cook any of it.  If absence makes the heart grow fonder, I must be the sweetest guy in town.

Folks are here visiting, it's nice.  I've scratched a bug bite on my foot to the point that it quite hurts, don't remember doing that.

Going to be another scorcher.  Quick trip to Hanover later.

Gets tiresome being this affectionate, or maybe it's just the sleep deprivation.

Nice mountaintop party, quite a crowd, big explosions, enormous slip n slide, etc. Pretty scaled up, all in all.

I am unnecessarily cryptic, but necessarily so also, bit hard to sort out.  Not really worth the effort.

Before party, went & saw some nice art.

Feeling a bit like I've woken from a five year sleep.  Everything confuses me.  So much is like a strange or bad dream, to wake up to that is fundamentally pretty confusing.

So that's two five year sleeps now, roughly a quarter of my life, half my adult life, spent in a manner quite alien to how I normally am, but if it's half the time, well, it's basically two aliens facing each other over a table and normal really doesn't come in to it.

At least I always love music, just got home from hearing some nice music.

Peretz doesn't bump into things nearly as much as one might expect given the chaos that is our home, but he has gotten very tentative about jumping down from the couch.

Really nice music outside last night at the Book Mill, more outside music.

Awaiting results of further blood work.

Feeling much like I've been beaten with the heavy sticks, but basically cheerful and alert.

Peretz continues with the nasty pills, we are to confirm that his water consumption has fallen below 2 liters/day before he gets to stop, average dog water consumption monitoring program being instituted on the assumption that Pickles consumes at a normal rate.  I am somewhat uncomfortable with this assumption.

Weird little advisory trip to a coop just north of the Jersey border tomorrow, may visit relatives, purchase bagels, etc.

Overdid it a bit last night & knee is more sore than it has any need to be. Went over to friends' house, set up some synths, made 48 steamed buns, 32 with smoked pork and relish, 16 with banana, almond butter and cream cheese, then rushed down to band practice, knee stiffening to the point of discomfort at roughly 25 minute intervals.  Got home too tired to cope.

Back to work from pain vacation today, not dreading it as much as I expected.

Chris is coming up to play drums with us on a short tour at the beginning of August, really delighted. Frothy fucking Shakes.

Sometimes I start feeling like I'm really not too badly fucked up, then I detach a bit and observe my behavior more closely and, yeah, I'm really badly fucked up.

Up stupid early, happening a lot lately.

Peretz's blindness making him remind me of sweet, blind greyhound I used to know, similar sweet-tempered timidity in his movements.  The other day he walked directly through the legs of one of the small kitchen stools as though it wasn't there.  He's magical.

Beach trip planned for later, laundry first.  Got a haircut.

Knee still hurts, but is basically functional. Coffee's ready.

Stiff, hurty, leg elevated.

Feeling annoyed with the empathetic layers of my personality, they are a pain in the ass. Clear headed and compassionate is often put forward as a sort of ideal, it is a big pain in the ass.

Ah, Peretz just stopped by for a visit, he is a good dog.

Knee elevated, managed to mislay my snapped wedding band, L. found it again, taking it in for repair on her way out.

A human can resist any pain. Our test is crisis and observation.

Excessively long tubing trip yesterday, wrenched the crap out of my left knee on slippy rocks, elevating and icing knee, all work cancelled.

Peretz's meds seem to be having an effect, need to arrange yet another vet visit for him today knee or no knee.

L. is off for weekend upstate social butterflying in a bit, painful solitary days in store for me, like old times.

Visit with my new pal Lisa at the Salem Willows yesterday make me strangely more optimistic about folks figuring really horrible shit out and getting on with things.  Also, skee ball, always a delight.

Feeling very tired despite basically sufficient sleep, have a bunch to get done this week, there are other things I'd actually like to be doing, blech.

Peretz hasn't had any dramatic reactions to his new meds, fingers crossed.

Keeping some fairly dire sadness more or less at bay with the assistance of an overly complex multidimensional array of signs. Think I may additionally need to cancel the work I have scheduled for the afternoon again and go somewhere new and different later.

Peretz's pill regimen seems to be proceeding without notable incident.

There's a ghost in the hills awaiting the extravagant party.

This creamsicle flavored seltzer is really quite something.

Weird knee twinges, should maybe consider being a touch less violent at shows.

Hot in the sun, nice in the shade.

World in ruins, glass half full.

K, X.

22 hour day yesterday, up at 6, back at 4, fixed some odd hardware issues, played drones at Weirdo, had some blueberries and a sandwich, screamed at and should people in a damp basement, got beer splashed all over me.

Nice chat with Sam on the drive home, what a sweet kid. He likes to tell people the truth also.

You should probably tread carefully when somebody with significant familiarity with confessional literature adopts a confessional tone.

Peretz's prescription has been dropped off at pharmacy, will fetch it on the way to band practice in a bit, dosing of beloved pup with horrifying toxins begins Saturday.  Work and play in sunny Boston tomorrow.

First there are no shows, then there are oh god how am I possibly going to play all these shows.

Peretz checks out tumor-free, he gets the nasty pills.  So sedated when I got him home from the vet it was worrying, limp, damp, eyes half closed, tongue poking out from mouth.  Little bits of dog sick popping up around the house.  Poor Peretz.

New mechanic was great, very cheap, a short walk down the street.

Steadily feeling less crazy, bit of a relief, was afraid I was in for another five year run of ecstatic visions and chronic malfunction & while that can be interesting in its way, I have more responsibilities these days.

Went & drove through and in proximity to enormous terrifying thunderstorm yesterday to fetch L.'s new car, it's amazingly fucking beautiful, feeling quite happy about it.

Just dropped car off at car mechanic for brake work, tomorrow take Peretz to pet mechanic for gland work.

OK, so vet finally got back to me with diagnosis of hyperadrenalism, ultrasound now required to determine whether P. has a tumor or can just be given vile toxins to damage his adrenal glands to the point that they slow down a bit.

Feeling a bit unwell.

In a couple of hours, taking Peretz over to the vet for a day of extensive tests for Cushing's disease.  Can't think of anything interesting or clever to say about it, really.  Damn sad. Hope they can help him.

Very early work followed by nap complete with weird & intense makeout dream, pork belly tacos with Jen, trip out to the Erving State Forest for forbidden refreshments with Henry & Nancy, their two grumpy but somehow still adorable children looking on with occasional screams of discontent.  Stella wants a ukelele.

Pizza dinner with Jessie & Brett momentarily, the drama continues.

Continuing the bed at 3 up at 6 routine, feeling drowsy but pretty normal all things considered.

Yesterday went to Portsmouth and made loud noises and wrapped people in colored rope, strangely they approved, I smell a new social order around the corner.

6 AM wakeup call continues to sound, feeling a bit worn, but nothing like last week.

Long conversation with Chris very late last night about some genuinely terrible things, there are so many, never quite sure how best to cope with that fact when it becomes more present to mind than usual.

Anyhow, work in a bit, trip to Portsmouth to entertain and delight.  We have the program, get with it:

"All Bibles or sacred codes have been the causes of the following Errors.

1. That Man has two real existing principles Viz: a Body & a Soul.
2. That Energy, call'd Evil, is alone from the Body, & that Reason, call'd Good, is alone from the Soul.
3. That God will torment Man in Eternity for following his Energies.

But the following Contraries to these are True

1. Man has no Body distinct from his Soul for that call'd Body is a portion of Soul discern'd by the five Senses, the chief inlets of Soul in this age
2. Energy is the only life and is from the Body and Reason is the bound or outward circumference of Energy.
3 Energy is Eternal Delight"

So no nap managed after airport jaunt, did manage to fix transaction suspending function of some cash registers anyway, stocked up on groceries, came home too sleepy to do work and ate snacks and watched some Eurodisco videos.

Meanwhile, it's gotten damn hot.

Peretz is seeming a little disoriented today, presumably from giant battery of shots the other day and/or heat, just took a strange back and forth wandering walk with him by the factory.  He met with a cat, which confused him more than usual, etc., etc.

More snacks?

The upside to having panic attacks for weeks at a time, is afterwards I always feel a great deal more like myself than I did before they started. So, here I am, feeling more myself.

Just back from early morning airport trip, for example.

Peretz has a pillow and a blanket bolstering his chin as he lays beside me on the couch.

First week of farm share goodness prepared for dinner in the form of surprisingly spicy bok choy, second week picked up, split with lovely friends that are too good for me, stocked away for future enjoyment (except a few of the scallions, used those with the bok choy).

Upshot of geriatric blood work and urinalysis is, P. most likely has Cushing's Disease, needs to go in for further testing next Monday, poor panting, peeing pup, hoping they can do something for him.

My own adrenaline levels having returned to their normal high baseline, I am now feeling pretty sad and bereft, P. beginning to sail off into the sunset doesn't help with that, but then I don't really need help with that.

Wow, that was more panic attacks than I've had in a very long time in the space of two and a half weeks, can't remember the last time it was so bad. Oh, wait, yes, I can.

Still waking with a shot just before six, but feeling basically groovy.  Maybe I've just become an old man suddenly, hair hasn't turned shocking white or anything, but where's the breakfast bar?

Much less provocation than the last incident, but apparently change in work schedule, new person I really enjoy playing music with and suicide within my circle of acquaintance is not the cocktail for me.  Anyway, have myself back in check, you'd think we'd have reached stalemate by now, but my moves keep finding ways to get weirder.  Don't seemed to have caused anyone any permanent damage, side benefit of improving global information state as usual, still do lose track of the fact that people who aren't me aren't necessarily dreaming of perfect interpersonal transparency.

Sigh.

Went to what I think is very likely to be Peretz's last routine vet visit yesterday.  Awaiting the results of the geriatric blood work. Will it be poor kidney function, overactive adrenal gland, diabetes?  A lot of stuff has been making me want to cry lately, but nothing as much as this.  He's a good dog.

Anyway, still a super bouncy ball but they've stopped shaking my box for the moment.

Ran into Elisa from Magik Markers yesterday and told her about the stern lecture she gave me on a ferry boat about how it's rude to stare at women's faces in an afternoon nap dream a few days ago.  She seemed genuinely glad to hear about it.  Nice.

Wow, sleep is great, sleep is good, sleep makes the demons of reason shut the fuck up.

Seem to have navigated a multi-week panic episode without quitting any jobs or alienating anyone I care about beyond the point of endurance, that's nice.  Should probably have put myself down for a night with a tranquilizer or something some time back, but eh, don't like it.

Band practice tonight, show Thursday.

OK, back to cheerful and alert.

More reviewing of synthesizer output.  Pretty nice, provides powerful concrete metaphors for understanding my own state, etc.

Got a little more sleep than usual for lately last night, had basically pleasant dreams.

Largely uncontrollable drives to alienate those I feel most warmly toward continue unabated.

Nice party last night with assorted nice whiskies and snacks.  Calming effect of whisky making me a little nervous, but what doesn't?

Don't think I've mentioned how much I'm loving my goddamned band, every single one of them, not in the dirty way you're thinking of, but, honestly, why not?  They're delightful.

Been working on synth tracks for new record with some of them, it's delightful.

"The reason Milton wrote in fetters when he wrote of Angels & God, and at liberty when of Devils & Hell, is because he was a true Poet and of the Devils party without knowing it."


Everybody go read more Blake.

Not sure exactly what my body or brain thinks is going on as they're not exactly keeping me in the loop, but bed at 3, up at 6 is apparently the new normal, sigh.

Had a very nice dream about a treehouse thanks to the power of suggestion, though.  Where's my damn treehouse and who wants to go cuddle in it?

Going to go do a hardware inventory in Ware in a bit.  Welcome back party for Brett later.  Maybe a nap some time in there.

Sleepy as hell but feeling more or less back to normal.  Had a muffin.

A few weeks ago, Peretz crossed in the threshold into what appears to be basically total blindness, keeps bumping into stuff, he seems to be in good spirits, anyway.

Good friend of good friends hanged himself down by the tracks Friday night, been a weird few days of being more open and honest with people about my feelings than I've been since last I wrote on this thing regularly.  Maybe I should get back to doing this so I can stop doing that, though either way, honestly, is asking for trouble.

Alone Again Or on repeat.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Finding myself alternately saddened and relieved that my first reaction on hearing of a local suicide is no longer, "Hope Em doesn't get any ideas."  Lots of ways of looking at no longer entirely being yourself.


--Compadre, quiero cambiar
mi caballo por su casa,
mi montura por su espejo,
mi cuchillo per su manta.
Compadre, vengo sangrando,
desde los puertos de Cabra.
--Si yo pudiera, mocito,
este trato se cerraba.
Pero yo ya no soy yo,
ni mi casa es ya mi casa.

Sunday, I bought a bunch of cushions and lighting and got my feet in the sea for the first time this year.

Well, that was weird.  Kind of lost track of winter and spring, here's summer.

Should have a bit more time on my hands, so far that's been going well with the art and stuff.

Strange, agitated, dark, etc., etc.

Mostly want to be playing with synthesizers, lots else going on.

Yesterday, mostly getting rained on while repeatedly performing a 12 second scene, reconsidering calling someone on the phone, past full of regret.  Between performances, rapidly hauling an easy chair back and forth to and from a raised platform.

Lingering cold symptoms made for questionable sleep most of last week.

The temperatures have been highly irregular.

Emerging from a long 60ish hr/wk work fog.  Got some musical instruments with taxes I didn't have to pay, hurray.

Peretz is fairly rapidly seeming much older, hearing and vision have deteriorated to a point where it takes a lot for him to notice something, he has such a hard time with the stairs at night that he often ends up peeing at the top from the strain.  Affable as ever.

Throat itches, oncoming cold or hay fever?

Walking Peretz just now, saw what I'm pretty sure was a sandpiper poking around in the snow, alarmed by our presence, she flew clumsily away, piping.

Wet piles of snow greet March.  Hi, March.

Going to a party in a few, made some pumpkin seed jalapeño dip.  L. made six types of cookies.

Too much work.

Damn cold.  Have a case of the sniffles.

Thinking about process, when things happen, etc.  So much has always happened already, it's hard to sort it out.

Record's about finished, shows coming up.  Weekend trip to Texas soon.

I look over my photographs and it seems like I've been uncannily busy, don't feel like I do much of anything, don't feel like I could if I wanted to.

Anyway, yeah, artistic, critical practice- what's it all about?

Woken earlier than I'd have liked by whining aged dog, poor pup.

Coffee's brewing.  Recycling truck has arrived.

The kid's off for a 2 month US tour, apparently.  Strange, exciting.

Dreamt extensively of time travel.  Kept proving I was from the future by showing people my phone.

Minor Facebook event invite confusion led inexorably to my making Indian dinner party yesterday.  Good times.

Strange dream last night, kept forgetting I wasn't allowed to smoke at a reception in a hotel in another state, eventually looked in a mirror and I had a lot of pairs of socks tied in my hair, then got a New Year's text message regarding charitable giving from an improbable source. Woke to find my watch had stopped.

Nice visit from Peter yesterday, croissant party, computer talk, Smile, out for pizza, etc.

Time for some early morning billing.