Don't know why the disjunction between what I should be doing & what I'm actually doing hits me so hard sometimes, full moon certainly doesn't help. That's what I should be doing in idealized world where people actually get better & do healthy things, of course, what I should be doing in the actual world remains an open question. Considered in that light, papering over its hellishness with ironic detachment, activities with dog & casual gourmet cookery doesn't seem that unreasonable, actually.

Went and listened to some of that psychedelic music, Horse Spirit Penetrates made a very effective backing track to watching the Sox go down in defeat, kind of sad, never cared much about that sort of thing, now a bit of a fan out of sympathy I have nothing else to do with.

Sky remains very striking, interestingly textured cloud cover + bright full Moon makes for dramatic lighting effects.

Feels nice to be home again.

Just tried to capture devastating sunset with cell phone camera, quixotic.



Doesn't remotely do it justice, still pretty interesting, probably a lovely metaphor for something or other.

Extended wanderings with Peretz, trying to find my way back into the good mood I was in earlier, didn't manage it. He's still acting a little funny, seems to get tired sooner than I expect, maybe he's just getting old.

So damn sad.

Cooking up a storm was really enjoyable but left me feeling a little dazed, might be a good time to go get weekend work out of the way.

Like to share, having fewer people to share things with has been very difficult, weren't that many to begin with, perfectly capable of being independent, don't care much for it. Waves of melancholy, crap.

I've been hurt so badly I really don't know what to do, therefore haven't been doing much of anything, starting to kind of enjoy it, actually, but sometimes I relax too much & my mind starts to drift- sudden, horrifying pain, then I'm sad for a while.

Doesn't really interfere with my doing anything I care about, doesn't really matter.

Northampton farmers' market remains disappointing, seems like they used to carry produce. Drove out to Outlook Farm & got some lovely local products, made a Chinese cabbage slaw, boiling kohlrabi & turnips for mashing, fun fun fun.

Nice to find things fun again.

Cartoonish, sleepy, death of Saturday morning cartoons a sad, sad thing.

Would be a nice day for a fun outing, maybe I can think of one to go on, want to come along?

Tanzanian peaberry seeping into the higher centers, imagine I'll be alive with good ideas shortly.

Went on a walk to visit with my friend, the Moon, ran into some people I know, talked pierogis, pies, sleep disorder labs, power outages, had a beer, watched some darts, made arrangements for farm share during my absence, learned of psychedelic extravaganza tomorrow night at the place with the offensive smoke machine.

Walked around some more, blank-eyed drunken revelers, parent talking to child, "So is the computer in your room or the common space?"

"The common space."

Ah, how I miss that cunning linguist.

Hou Hou Shu, is, it turns out, extremely sweet and foams up a lot when poured. T said Shabbat blessing over it. Nice to live in a traditional household.

Lovely summer moon, just out observing it with Peretz, may go out & observe it by myself in a bit. Really nice out, perfect night for wandering off a sake buzz, wish you were here.

Farm share strawberries are little pieces of pure beauty, intense, varied, exciting.

Wish you were here.

Had lengthy internal struggle between exhaustion & desire for nice coffee, ended up going to Table & Vine for some Tanzanian peaberry, they also had had some very nice stuff for 1/2 off, not sure what I'm going to do with pure lime oil, lime glaze on a bundt cake comes to mind, but what kind? Chile/chocolate? Raspberry/lime? Cupcakes also a possibility. You folks not inviting me to your social occasions are missing out. Also got an adorable tiny bottle of Hou Hou Shu sparkling sake that I'm going to drink once it gets cold, I choose you! Hou Hou Shu!



Grim thinking on the drive home, some things have happened that aren't the sorts of things I can really get over, pretty sure they're things I can learn to live with, good enough?

On return from the levee, came across little old man in my driveway, leaning on a tiny CVS shopping cart, still looking for his cockatiel, still weeping. He had a friend beating the bushes. He's apparently had multiple strokes, difficult to understand. "I think, I think maybe somebody took her. I think, I think maybe she's dead."

Not so hot out now, still got pretty dehydrated wandering under sun on levee, having some local soda, P still seems a little aimless, got kind of grouchy with an overly forward chocolate lab.

T's gone strawberry picking with her mom.

Put my tomato sauce (also had summer squash in it), between two layers of polenta with gorgonzola cheese, baked it, pretty tasty, strong, will be better once it cools, I think.

Doing some post-cooking spacing out, mind's really not wandering into scary corners so much lately, it's nice, thinking about feathering my nest mostly, pointless but amusing.

Peretz wants polenta, walk on levee.

Tomato sauce simmering, brooding about endless war.

Beautiful day for holding hands at the seaside, probably too many people there anyway.

Thinking about heading for the hills.

Hope thing I'm making turns out OK, having some doubts.

Made it through another workweek, going to get started on a tomato sauce in a bit.

Degrading treatment, you'd think people would have more self-respect, maybe you wouldn't, I don't know. Anyway, it's the thing that bothers me most about being subjected to that, certainly doesn't actually make me feel degraded generally, distasteful, unaesthetic. Hard to wrap my head around people I admire being so down on themselves, sick of trying to, frankly, daily grind's exhausting enough.

OK, wash dishes, make tomato sauce.

Returning from morning dog walk in more or less the same state of crisp cleanliness in which I set out on it makes a refreshing change.

Stayed up kind of late thinking about vegetable cookery, think I've got that pretty well mapped out for the weekend, Chinese cabbage is a sticking point, maybe some sort of slaw? Need to go grab a few things from the market after work.

Prospect of vacation's beginning to loom up before me, not facing it with the same dread as usual, rather looking forward to it, actually.

All aglow, been reading 'A Good Man is Hard to Find', reviewing financial statements.

More reading, less writing, soon.

Dead calm.

Half grapefruit/half lemon, vodka, l'chaim, live long & prosper.

Repetition of motifs, semitic, arabesque.

Oy.

Finally cooling off outside, inside, it's a bit hectic, feeling happy, smiling.

You are my sunshine.

Just back from long outing under complex sepia-toned skies, P still doesn't seem quite himself, wandering deliberately but aimlessly, 'Salvador Dali's Garden Party' stuck in my head, elaborate fantasies of having a large back yard, obsessive landscaping projects, eccentric structures, A Rebours, mournful countenance, dangerous visions.

Apparent systematic conflict with a judgement I trust as much as my own, closest somebody like me can come to a crisis of faith, intently working on resolution with as little abandonment of premisses as possible, should learn some more efficient sort algorithms.

Total exhaustion, bottomless well, what do I know about love?

Walking home from work, blue heron overhead.

Listening to Arthur, lettuce stuck to my teeth. T just offered me an ice cream sandwich, no, thanks.

Feeling pretty beat up, not always easy being an all-seeing eye, eye of Baal, TV eye. Ai ai ai. A.I.

But enough about me, how are you?

Went & did that test deployment, still nasty by the bridge, came back via Sunderland, again taking the opportunity to contribute to the oil revenues of our comrades to the south.

Feeling a bit logy, wish that cold front would push through already.

Feels strange to be trapped in the dramatization of somebody else's internal conflicts, perhaps I've mentioned it. Remain convinced that the only basis for conflict between us is misunderstanding, plenty of that, good share of it myself, I imagine, none of it willful, for my part, anyway.

Lovable, stubborn donkey. Strolling fancy chickens.

Eyeing farms longingly on the way home, server farm, chicken farm, how different can they be?

Still dizzyingly hot.

Thinking about packing this in fairly soon, maybe take a tip from the cool kids & end it on the equinox, meant to stop some time ago, reality intruded. Meant to leave a well-delimited pile of evasive & allusive mementos for rainy day perusal by those who'd like to imagine they knew me and as a sign & a warning for those who don't, gotten a bit too sprawling, second half a shriveled & distorted image of the first, fun house mirror, true to life in its way, inescapable realism, a picture holds us captive.

& ampersand, & ampersand, fine ligature.