6 AM wakeup call continues to sound, feeling a bit worn, but nothing like last week.

Long conversation with Chris very late last night about some genuinely terrible things, there are so many, never quite sure how best to cope with that fact when it becomes more present to mind than usual.

Anyhow, work in a bit, trip to Portsmouth to entertain and delight.  We have the program, get with it:

"All Bibles or sacred codes have been the causes of the following Errors.

1. That Man has two real existing principles Viz: a Body & a Soul.
2. That Energy, call'd Evil, is alone from the Body, & that Reason, call'd Good, is alone from the Soul.
3. That God will torment Man in Eternity for following his Energies.

But the following Contraries to these are True

1. Man has no Body distinct from his Soul for that call'd Body is a portion of Soul discern'd by the five Senses, the chief inlets of Soul in this age
2. Energy is the only life and is from the Body and Reason is the bound or outward circumference of Energy.
3 Energy is Eternal Delight"

So no nap managed after airport jaunt, did manage to fix transaction suspending function of some cash registers anyway, stocked up on groceries, came home too sleepy to do work and ate snacks and watched some Eurodisco videos.

Meanwhile, it's gotten damn hot.

Peretz is seeming a little disoriented today, presumably from giant battery of shots the other day and/or heat, just took a strange back and forth wandering walk with him by the factory.  He met with a cat, which confused him more than usual, etc., etc.

More snacks?

The upside to having panic attacks for weeks at a time, is afterwards I always feel a great deal more like myself than I did before they started. So, here I am, feeling more myself.

Just back from early morning airport trip, for example.

Peretz has a pillow and a blanket bolstering his chin as he lays beside me on the couch.

First week of farm share goodness prepared for dinner in the form of surprisingly spicy bok choy, second week picked up, split with lovely friends that are too good for me, stocked away for future enjoyment (except a few of the scallions, used those with the bok choy).

Upshot of geriatric blood work and urinalysis is, P. most likely has Cushing's Disease, needs to go in for further testing next Monday, poor panting, peeing pup, hoping they can do something for him.

My own adrenaline levels having returned to their normal high baseline, I am now feeling pretty sad and bereft, P. beginning to sail off into the sunset doesn't help with that, but then I don't really need help with that.

Wow, that was more panic attacks than I've had in a very long time in the space of two and a half weeks, can't remember the last time it was so bad. Oh, wait, yes, I can.

Still waking with a shot just before six, but feeling basically groovy.  Maybe I've just become an old man suddenly, hair hasn't turned shocking white or anything, but where's the breakfast bar?

Much less provocation than the last incident, but apparently change in work schedule, new person I really enjoy playing music with and suicide within my circle of acquaintance is not the cocktail for me.  Anyway, have myself back in check, you'd think we'd have reached stalemate by now, but my moves keep finding ways to get weirder.  Don't seemed to have caused anyone any permanent damage, side benefit of improving global information state as usual, still do lose track of the fact that people who aren't me aren't necessarily dreaming of perfect interpersonal transparency.

Sigh.

Went to what I think is very likely to be Peretz's last routine vet visit yesterday.  Awaiting the results of the geriatric blood work. Will it be poor kidney function, overactive adrenal gland, diabetes?  A lot of stuff has been making me want to cry lately, but nothing as much as this.  He's a good dog.

Anyway, still a super bouncy ball but they've stopped shaking my box for the moment.

Ran into Elisa from Magik Markers yesterday and told her about the stern lecture she gave me on a ferry boat about how it's rude to stare at women's faces in an afternoon nap dream a few days ago.  She seemed genuinely glad to hear about it.  Nice.

Wow, sleep is great, sleep is good, sleep makes the demons of reason shut the fuck up.

Seem to have navigated a multi-week panic episode without quitting any jobs or alienating anyone I care about beyond the point of endurance, that's nice.  Should probably have put myself down for a night with a tranquilizer or something some time back, but eh, don't like it.

Band practice tonight, show Thursday.

OK, back to cheerful and alert.

More reviewing of synthesizer output.  Pretty nice, provides powerful concrete metaphors for understanding my own state, etc.

Got a little more sleep than usual for lately last night, had basically pleasant dreams.

Largely uncontrollable drives to alienate those I feel most warmly toward continue unabated.

Nice party last night with assorted nice whiskies and snacks.  Calming effect of whisky making me a little nervous, but what doesn't?

Don't think I've mentioned how much I'm loving my goddamned band, every single one of them, not in the dirty way you're thinking of, but, honestly, why not?  They're delightful.

Been working on synth tracks for new record with some of them, it's delightful.

"The reason Milton wrote in fetters when he wrote of Angels & God, and at liberty when of Devils & Hell, is because he was a true Poet and of the Devils party without knowing it."


Everybody go read more Blake.

Not sure exactly what my body or brain thinks is going on as they're not exactly keeping me in the loop, but bed at 3, up at 6 is apparently the new normal, sigh.

Had a very nice dream about a treehouse thanks to the power of suggestion, though.  Where's my damn treehouse and who wants to go cuddle in it?

Going to go do a hardware inventory in Ware in a bit.  Welcome back party for Brett later.  Maybe a nap some time in there.

Sleepy as hell but feeling more or less back to normal.  Had a muffin.

A few weeks ago, Peretz crossed in the threshold into what appears to be basically total blindness, keeps bumping into stuff, he seems to be in good spirits, anyway.

Good friend of good friends hanged himself down by the tracks Friday night, been a weird few days of being more open and honest with people about my feelings than I've been since last I wrote on this thing regularly.  Maybe I should get back to doing this so I can stop doing that, though either way, honestly, is asking for trouble.

Alone Again Or on repeat.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Finding myself alternately saddened and relieved that my first reaction on hearing of a local suicide is no longer, "Hope Em doesn't get any ideas."  Lots of ways of looking at no longer entirely being yourself.


--Compadre, quiero cambiar
mi caballo por su casa,
mi montura por su espejo,
mi cuchillo per su manta.
Compadre, vengo sangrando,
desde los puertos de Cabra.
--Si yo pudiera, mocito,
este trato se cerraba.
Pero yo ya no soy yo,
ni mi casa es ya mi casa.

Sunday, I bought a bunch of cushions and lighting and got my feet in the sea for the first time this year.

Well, that was weird.  Kind of lost track of winter and spring, here's summer.

Should have a bit more time on my hands, so far that's been going well with the art and stuff.

Strange, agitated, dark, etc., etc.

Mostly want to be playing with synthesizers, lots else going on.

Yesterday, mostly getting rained on while repeatedly performing a 12 second scene, reconsidering calling someone on the phone, past full of regret.  Between performances, rapidly hauling an easy chair back and forth to and from a raised platform.

Lingering cold symptoms made for questionable sleep most of last week.

The temperatures have been highly irregular.

Emerging from a long 60ish hr/wk work fog.  Got some musical instruments with taxes I didn't have to pay, hurray.

Peretz is fairly rapidly seeming much older, hearing and vision have deteriorated to a point where it takes a lot for him to notice something, he has such a hard time with the stairs at night that he often ends up peeing at the top from the strain.  Affable as ever.

Throat itches, oncoming cold or hay fever?

Walking Peretz just now, saw what I'm pretty sure was a sandpiper poking around in the snow, alarmed by our presence, she flew clumsily away, piping.

Wet piles of snow greet March.  Hi, March.

Going to a party in a few, made some pumpkin seed jalapeño dip.  L. made six types of cookies.

Too much work.

Damn cold.  Have a case of the sniffles.

Thinking about process, when things happen, etc.  So much has always happened already, it's hard to sort it out.

Record's about finished, shows coming up.  Weekend trip to Texas soon.

I look over my photographs and it seems like I've been uncannily busy, don't feel like I do much of anything, don't feel like I could if I wanted to.

Anyway, yeah, artistic, critical practice- what's it all about?

Woken earlier than I'd have liked by whining aged dog, poor pup.

Coffee's brewing.  Recycling truck has arrived.

The kid's off for a 2 month US tour, apparently.  Strange, exciting.

Dreamt extensively of time travel.  Kept proving I was from the future by showing people my phone.

Minor Facebook event invite confusion led inexorably to my making Indian dinner party yesterday.  Good times.

Strange dream last night, kept forgetting I wasn't allowed to smoke at a reception in a hotel in another state, eventually looked in a mirror and I had a lot of pairs of socks tied in my hair, then got a New Year's text message regarding charitable giving from an improbable source. Woke to find my watch had stopped.

Nice visit from Peter yesterday, croissant party, computer talk, Smile, out for pizza, etc.

Time for some early morning billing.