Woke up a while ago having an allergic reaction to something, should probably find some antihistamine. Let myself run out of coffee filters this time instead of coffee, can work around that anyway.

Trying to be a trusting soul, pitiable, I suppose, maybe ridiculous, but there it is. Some things are too important to worry about being ridiculous, most things, actually.

Anyway, fully awake & alert at the time I used to have to get up for high school, it's terrifying. Where's that breakfast bar again?

Just went on nice expedition with Peretz, wind made it seem almost nippy, refreshing. We had a nice chat about the ontological status of properties. He's now lying on the couch cleaning himself & belching occasionally.

Been trying to whip myself into shape for the challenges ahead, it's a jungle out there, been holding my hand in candle flame while trying to keep a straight face, etc., it's a gas.

Mobble mibble, a poisoned pebble.
Mibble mobble, a wizened bobble.

& so on, tell me if you've heard this one.

It's hard to believe I'm still feeling agitated after the incredibly boring day I've had, should be asleep under my desk or something.

Beautiful twilight brown orange clouds outside, want to go out and play with them. Also saw a lovely little orange dog playing loose on the hillside behind work, at first I thought it was a fox. He'd gotten confused by the fence, hope he finds his way back to wherever he came from or maybe finds some place better.

Been thinking a lot about writing something other than this, something not about myself.

Remember writing some biographical portraits when I was in college and feeling frustrated that they seemed to be more about myself, my professor wrote something about them like 'You need to get out of the way and let things come through.' When I think about it now, I don't think they were so much about myself as that a whirring vortex of symbols took over everything. Abstract objects so often seem more real to me than other people or myself, really, I guess that should be troubling, it's the opposite of troubling, people are troubling. The more I think about myself, the more I slip away.

I've recently had some experiences of beauty more perfect than I anticipated ever having, it's really shaken me up, trying to figure out what to do with them. I think I need to make them into something, I don't know what, don't know that I'm up to it, seems like a big responsibility, they deserve to be made into something good, something joyful and I have so much darkness inside, I don't want to pollute them, I want other people to see what's possible.

Letting myself grow hungry and cold, it isn't all that hard really, like seeing an old friend after a long absence, things are a little uncomfortable, there's catching up to do. Wish there were some snow instead of this cold rain, not my style.

Looking forward to being a contented little robot at work, piling things into piles.

Have 'Suspect Device' stuck in my head, 'Peace Train' playing on the stereo.

Hyperalert state continues, some time maybe I'll get enough sleep, brain getting a bit funny, will try not to break anything. Peretz is asleep next to me, looks very pleased with himself. We'll both be heading into the cold rain shortly, expect violent basement antics afterward.

Being a grown up sucks, not like I enjoyed being a kid much better, oh hell.

Feeling just incredibly sad. Also have quite the headache.

T got back from her trip, really good to see her.

Morning reading:

"And surely he that could sometimes sit down with high improbabilities, that could content himself, and think to satisfie others, that the variegation of Birds was from their living in the Sun, or erection made by deliberation of the Testicles; would not have been dejected unto death with this."

Pretty awesome. Feeling much less upset, still strangely alert, up very late, on watch for something, woke some time ago tense & clear-headed. The sky last night was quite striking, very clear air, with fast moving, roughly diamond shaped clouds.

Feeling a lot better, sorry if I scared you, was scaring myself, wheeeeeee.

Freakishly warm weather today, saw really interesting truncated rainbow between ground and a giant sepia raincloud earlier, nearly got in an accident. A lot of people out celebrating the death of the world.

Got most of my weekend work out of the way earlier, had something to do that was making me mildly nervous, glad to have gotten it over with.

So here I am again, waiting in the wings, strong & capable, extremely sad.

Hoping there's some sort of artistic purpose for this, a sign & a warning. Beware! Beware! Kids- if you've got a severe anxiety disorder, don't try to lead a life of submission and commitment at home. Ridiculous.

Funny little man, dancing on a stick.

Woken up at 5 by work, finally managed to get back to sleep after much fear in the dark. Feel as though hit by truck. Had an interesting fall. It's winter now.

Doesn't seem like it, kind of warm, rainy. Nonetheless, everything has died.

Making some coffee.

More problems with mail at work, all sorted now, I'm so tired, wish I could sleep.

Feeling pretty freaked out, close my eyes to a wall of noise, can't get comfortable, sleep is difficult. Should probably cut down on the coffee and cigarettes, sadly they're the only thing that makes me feel remotely OK. Drinking some ginger ale.

Read for a while earlier, it was nice while I could pay attention to it, too tired now.

OK, maybe try to sleep.

Just went & did a little work despite not being required to, need to fill the day with something. Trying to get myself sufficiently together to work on some art, going to take a while. Really wishing I was better at sleeping a lot.

Trying to look on the bright side, not throwing up anymore is definitely a plus.

Ahead of me, there's nothing. I have a little jewel, and I'm going to try to build bridges out across the nothing by its light, maybe adding some decorations along the way. I think the decorations will be better than the ones I used to make without any light at all. It's harder now though, because I can see how far the nothing goes.

Figured some things out on walk with the dog, his input was very helpful, as always. Have a lot of work to do on myself, need to become less predictable, I'm making myself so bored I can't stand it. Trying to come up with some little projects.

Allowing myself to become enmeshed in drama is always a mistake, I know far too much about its technical aspects, it just pisses other people off. Anyway, trying to detach myself & reform in the dizzying crystalline perfection you've come to expect.

I love you all, I really do, sorry it's not much use.

Couldn't really sleep much last night, spent most of it listening to Love, feeling too cold or too hot and being dehydrated. Would've liked to just stay in bed, too hot & dehydrated, up now, trying to face the day.

Feel like I'm living through a bad dime store weepie. Pretty unbearable. Maybe I should listen to 'Pet Sounds'.

Speaking of that, Peretz is wimpering pretty urgently, I'd better take him out.

Just back from walk with P, he ate his dinner, now he's going nuts in the basement. Watching bad movie on TV. P is back, wants attentions.

Thinking about fate & character, stock characters, genres, on & on.

Still feeling pretty sick, went & got some ginger ale anyway.

Working on rebuilding shell, it's a harsh world out there, anyway, we may be slow but we eventually get it. Order chelonia (tongue protrudes, withdraws, slowly). Resolve to stay out of traffic in future.

Feeling really sick, wish I could sleep more.

RLETAAS means real life exceeds turtles' abilities and sapience.

Home sick, been checking into work, catching up on website maintenance, feeling like shit, trying to figure out how to proceed with life, Peretz has been tending to me, fetching me glasses of water, reading me excerpts from his novel, good dog.

Spent a good deal of last night in a mildly delusional state, still feeling a bit out of joint, observing with sick fascination the way the same things happen to me again & again, stupid, I'm so fucking stupid.

Don't know if it's stress-induced or a virus or what but woke up around 4 am with something very wrong with my stomach. Feeling a bit limp. Lying on couch with Peretz & laptop, just checked work mail, may go back to sleep, may just lie here feeling limp.

Today is projected to be very Springlike, hope it doesn't kill too many plants.

Been tested & found wanting, what else is new?

The last thirty minutes or so seemed to last days, was trying to fall asleep, didn't work out, might try some more, alone in the dark isn't working out all that well for me, unfortunately. Number of things wrong with me seems to be increasing at a surprising rate, crap.

Heard from T in Israel, sounds like she's having an interesting time, glad somebody is.

Brain is tying itself in twisty knots, feeling really confused about stuff, hand really hurts.

Hand really hurts, typing sucks.

Been a little different lately, getting back to my old self, I think, sour old man, sad old man. Feels fine.

I give up.

Feeling pretty awful.

Trying to be philosophical about it, it's tough. Trying to feel less real, progress is slow, oh well.

Falling apart a bit, going to go try to do more work.

Feeling like an empty soda can that's been stepped on, straightened out & stepped on again, over & over, plenty of metal fatigue along the creases, would be easy to rip in half, expect that to happen any time now, maybe I'll be recycled into a military aircraft, wouldn't that be exciting?

Nothing good on TV, no energy for anything else, squeezed out tube of toothpaste, crumpled ball of note paper, squished bunny by the side of the road.

Ball of fear, little animal, big world, lots of paths, scary noises down every one, stay under this bush for a bit. Something moving.

Seriously, feeling pretty freaked out.

Had dinner plans, they kind of evaporated, I should probably eat something, stomach hurts.

A little blinking point, a cursor, that's me. On, off, etc. Hovering, waiting for input.

Developed a painfully dry upper lip from all the driving back & forth, hurts like the dickens, reduced to using moisturizer.

Caused all sorts of minor damage to my right hand earlier replacing dead headlight, locking mechanism was stuck & required extensive forcing, tip of right index finger feels like it had a door slammed on it, several minor cuts & abrasions.

Back to staring into space, I guess.

Got lots of sleep, having difficulty reentering real world, Peretz wants out, I want more coffee. Really wanting some proper winter weather, feeling out of sorts, like I'm still in Tennessee.

Wondering what's in store at work, hopefully nothing too trying, feeling a bit limp.

Wow, am I ever boring lately.

Coming off vacation, beginnings of a sore throat, feeling glum, want to be asleep. OK, going to sleep, I think.

Very cold & wet, little bits of ice here & there, walking P a bit treacherous & perilous. Feeling weird, weird mix of things, trying to figure it out, challenging. Feeling shaken up, worried, happy, tired, hyperalert. Not sure I'm going to figure it out, going to press on anyway. P is very wet, curled up on blanket.


OK, off to do some work.

Happy new year, it's pouring out.

Brief spell of freezing rain last night which conveniently occurred while I was driving. This winter sucks.

Feeling really tired, out of sorts, work to be done, making coffee.

Got home a few hours ago, after getting important business like checking email & posting photos of kitsch, did some dishes, took the trash out, did some minor restocking of the house with food, fed & washed myself. Peretz is amazingly sleepy, a whole week playing with my dad's young pups seems to have taken a toll on his old bones. Have very painful chapped upper lip, there's a price to pay for long distance driving, in dryness.

Have also been drinking large amounts of coffee, who wants to fight?

Whirlwind tour of Frackville...

From last night, Emily H. in a spotlight performance:

I chose the 'lunch' option.

Feeling extremely sleepy, doing laundry, just went on walk with P around the grounds of St. David's Church, nice to be thought well of.

Went to Musical Picnic put on by my pal Chris last night, normally it's a potluck followed by people playing music together on the basis of drawn lots, but for a variety of reasons, holiday, illness, etc., nobody much showed up, so I just ended up playing music with Chris and a couple other people, still pretty fun.

Having trouble waking up, have dinner plans which seems increasingly elaborate with many people wanting to go, hope it all works out. Beginning to dread the drive home, should probably make hotel reservations somewhere in PA for tomorrow night, if I don't, I will probably endlessly defer stopping till I reach Northampton, and, given that it is supposed to be raining more or less the entire length of my drive, end with a days long headache.

Should do laundry before leaving.

After playing music last night, had longish conversation with Chris about frustrations of trying to get people interested in music, he's particularly tired of dealing with alternative media types, trying to sell them on publicizing stuff, I kind of suggested he give up on them, not really sure what would be most effective, he's done an awfully good job of keeping cool stuff happening down here, maybe whatever he's doing is worth the frustration? Anyway, sucks to listen to somebody who's done lots to make my hometown a better place sounding burned out & down on himself. You should send him a present &, if you work for the alternative press, perhaps you could kill yourself & make room for some new blood.

Went to look at potential new cars for my mom with my folks, car salesmen as oily and ingratiating as ever, one more sign of the end times. My mind is like a plastic bag.

Drinking more coffee, had amazing Uruguayan sandwich for lunch, going to make raita, have it with roti, leftover Indian vegetable dishes later.

Really beautiful day, suffering because my heart is pure, kind of sleepy. Peretz is running around & barking outside my window.

While we're on the subject of beautiful me, here's another snap of me, out in my parents' back yard earlier:

Dogs are out in the back yard going nuts. Had really excessive dinner, feeling a little out of it.

In the process of explaining what Flickr is to my mom a little while ago, came across this photo of me & my pal Henry at that engagement party I went to a few weeks back:



Enjoy.

There is a light and movement in the trees.



Xmas photos, xmas photos.

Car has been repaired, going to go fetch it in a bit. Planning to make braised red cabbage, brats & latkes later as a gesture of holiday reconciliation & blasphemy, going to go on dog outing now it's stopped raining, etc., etc.

Woke to downed Internet connection, perils of the suburbs, had to get up & reset stuff before checking my mail, modern conveniences my ass.

Feeling nervous, pensive, you've heard it all before.

For the second time today someone has called my cell phone looking for Alana, I wonder where she's gone. Darkness of my mood seems to be reaching out into the external world and making horrible things happen, sorry. The weather here is extremely depressing, want to get back to the depressing weather at home, at least it's my depressing weather.

T's going out of the country Friday & has a nasty cold, I was just talking to her on the phone trying to convince her to make herself some soup, home alone sick sucks, sorry, sorry.

Strange neighbors here have left a car that rolled down their driveway & crashed into a tree outside my window sitting wrapped around tree it ran into for a month apparently, strange.

Still feeling extremely fatigued, went on shopping excursion, didn't find the stuff I wanted, did manage to get makings of cilantro walnut raita. Car is in shop awaiting parts from out of town for expensive repairs. Might pass out for a while, might look for stuff I couldn't find in real world on Internet.

Feeling pretty sad, should probably listen to some music or something.

Giant new dog bed was given to Peretz, it's sitting in my room, he hasn't shown much interest, prefers couch.

Trusty copy of 'V.' has been lying neglected on the back of the downstairs toilet while I've been perusing a selected essays of Johnson, my brother and sister-in-law are preparing to leave for Texas, my mom is looking into where I can get my blower fan repaired or replaced.

Got plenty of sleep, still feel plenty tired, coffee slowly & majestically cutting through the morning fog, with bagels.

Tried to go see some music with my brother, music started late, music before the music we wanted to see was very annoying, brother has to drive to Texas in morning, came home again long before the music we wanted to see started.

Blower fan in my car has suddenly stopped working, need to get it fixed, I guess.

Maybe I'll actually get more than a few hours of sleep tonight.

Raining, hardly got any sleep, glum mood, sorry to have killed you baby Jesus.

Having an allergic reaction to something I think, sneezing, inside of right ear itches. Maybe a shower would help.

Listening to 'Archangels Thunderbird', merry greetings.

Feels funny being in the suburbs, just went out to get some milk from a gas station and the driving environment is like nothing I've experienced lately, broad, empty, well-lit streets. My parents' subdivision is particularly spacious having been designed before the city sewer extended out this far, code requirements for septic systems dictated at least one acre lots.

Feeling pretty tired and kind of sad, lots of activity, lots more tomorrow, complex cookery, gift exchange, probably dog excursion, hope I can sleep, those visions of sugarplums dancing in my head are making me kind of agitated.

Parade of food continues, feeling sleepy. Peretz won't eat his dinner, wants fondue, coffee cake, etc. Old pal Ben has stopped by to visit, has a job developing a new taxonomy for a tractor supply company, sounds like it presents both intrinsic and institutional challenges, every day a new adventure. I need to go out & get some milk so my mom can make waffles come morning, keeping the criss-cross in xmas.

Installed light bulbs in downstairs bathroom, in my room with Peretz so he can get some restful alone time. He was beginning to get a little exhausted with consequent irr- & excitability from the extended playtime. Feet really hurt from excessive driving. Thinking about having a shower to remove road grime. Might actually try to take a nap.

Extended free time concept hasn't really sunk in yet, still feeling a bit out of sorts. May plug in xmas lights I have strung across my bedroom ceiling in an effort to work up holiday spirit.

In Nashville, it's strange to be here. My mom just showed me her new lab while she fed her cells. Peretz is enjoying other dogs, fenced yard, not being in car. Also happy not to be in car. Feel very dehydrated, lips are chapped. P had a tough time being in motel last night, kept freaking out about random noises in the night, thinking of driving back without stopping, should be fairly harsh, oh well.

Too much food here, fondue later apparently, should have a beverage.

Woke a short time ago with 'Sympathy for the Devil' running through my head & a Vonage infomercial playing on the TV. Wet morning, perfect for a long drive. Need to put stuff in bags, bags in car, wash the self, walk the dog & go. Drinking coffee first, waiting for it to penetrate the higher centers.

Ah, fuck.

Was kind of hungry, made some rice with cheese & onion, have had too much rice with cheese & onion, thinking about falling asleep, probably won't.

Home alone, it's tiresome & sad, like me.

Lots of funny things on my mind, nothing you'd be interested in.

Done with work pretty much, going to check in on something later, nice to be home. Peretz is going nuts in the basement, now he's walking around up here, huffing & whistling. Thinking about drive tomorrow, imagine I'll be feeling like living dead, need to pick up an audiobook, I think, hopefully trashy scifi. Trashy scifi on the TV tonight, hurrah. Wonder if Kate Fleming did any scifi.

OK, so usually I email this to one or more people or post it on somebody's door or read it at a dinner party, this year it goes here, some nice cheerful John Donne for the solstice:

A Nocturnal Upon St. Lucy's Day, Being the Shortest Day.

'Tis the year's midnight, and it is the day's,
Lucy's, who scarce seven hours herself unmasks ;
    The sun is spent, and now his flasks
    Send forth light squibs, no constant rays ;
            The world's whole sap is sunk ;
The general balm th' hydroptic earth hath drunk,
Whither, as to the bed's-feet, life is shrunk,
Dead and interr'd ; yet all these seem to laugh,
Compared with me, who am their epitaph.

Study me then, you who shall lovers be
At the next world, that is, at the next spring ;
    For I am every dead thing,
    In whom Love wrought new alchemy.
            For his art did express
A quintessence even from nothingness,
From dull privations, and lean emptiness ;
He ruin'd me, and I am re-begot
Of absence, darkness, death—things which are not.

All others, from all things, draw all that's good,
Life, soul, form, spirit, whence they being have ;
    I, by Love's limbec, am the grave
    Of all, that's nothing. Oft a flood
            Have we two wept, and so
Drown'd the whole world, us two ; oft did we grow,
To be two chaoses, when we did show
Care to aught else ; and often absences
Withdrew our souls, and made us carcasses.

But I am by her death—which word wrongs her—
Of the first nothing the elixir grown ;
    Were I a man, that I were one
    I needs must know ; I should prefer,
            If I were any beast,
Some ends, some means ; yea plants, yea stones detest,
And love ; all, all some properties invest.
If I an ordinary nothing were,
As shadow, a light, and body must be here.

But I am none ; nor will my sun renew.
You lovers, for whose sake the lesser sun
    At this time to the Goat is run
    To fetch new lust, and give it you,
            Enjoy your summer all,
Since she enjoys her long night's festival.
Let me prepare towards her, and let me call
This hour her vigil, and her eve, since this
Both the year's and the day's deep midnight is.

Getting cold outside, thinking about George Smiley. I've been acting a little too real lately, time for something else, something more normal for me, anyone for a teary dockside farewell?- the boat's leaving.

Perfect detachment, perfect submission, these things are difficult, but that's part of their appeal. Had it with caring about how I feel. Thinking about the closing scene of 'Miller's Crossing', John Turturro on the ground, begging "Look in your heart! Look in your heart!" Those 'Red Harvest' type stories have long been very special to me, how much destruction can one man wreak?

Made hotel reservation in Wytheville for Saturday night, really dreading the drive, makes it seem more real, blech.

Have raging headache, may go out & try to find maple syrup to bring home.

Afternoon fun was cancelled by the way, lovely afternoon of no fun being enjoyed instead.

Defective brain, return.

Being me is just no good at all for anybody, maybe try being someone else for while. OK, we've switched, now what?

Don't bother reading.

Had to come in to work a bit early to monitor the installation of network equipment. Been getting another life lesson in how hostile and unforgiving a place the world is for me, not that I really needed one, maybe I get continuing ed credits or something. Didn't get much sleep, at my desk at work drinking coffee from my B. R. Grumpy's insulated mug, had nightmares last night about flat tires, being skewered on skewers, deaths of loved ones. Wish I were a mole in the ground.

Had fun plans for later, not sure what's become of them.

Can't sleep, very amusing. Just went for walk with dog on which he attempted to destroy several small gardens, aroused some standard poodles & picked up an unidentifiable but disgusting object. Some day maybe I will get a nice surprise, but it won't be today.

When I close my eyes I see horrors, going to watch Star Trek instead.

Watching fucked up puppetmation xmas special, T brought me pernil from work party, very tasty, abyss is staring into me.

Wishing I could become an airborne seed pod travelling to unknown lands. Please end the killing.

Whatever I touch, turns to snow in my clutch- I'm too much.

Managed to get trapped at work an hour longer than planned by my second trip to Amherst of the day, feelings of confinement were intensified by heavy traffic on the way home. Dread of coming drive home getting pretty unbearable, envisioning myself standing next to broken car somewhere in Virginia on Christmas Eve, ho ho ho.

Feeling pretty lousy, no fun, no more.

At work, brooding for some reason on the obscenity of academic articles being locked up in subscription databases, probably shouldn't worry about it, it's not as though the vast majority of them have any particular value, does make me wonder how people sleep at night.

Spent much of last night & today having a fairly severe anxiety episode, seems to be toning down now.

Trying to get through a bunch of stuff at work so I can go away with a relatively clear conscience, tired from all the freaking out, hmmm.

Trying to get my head together for work, not having much luck, seems like there's too much to do in the time allotted before I go away, sigh.

Let coffee supply run down again, having mix of regular coffee & espresso therefore, maybe it'll rev me up & everything will seem peachy.

Peretz really wants to go out, it's cold out there.

Uncontrolled anxiety is a blast.

Fresh & clean, the day awaits, ick. Peretz is busily looking adorable on blanket, sun outside is far too bright.

Work & vacation getting mixed up in my head, which is stressful again? Need to locate pet-friendly motel between here & Nashville, Wytheville, VA has been suggested as a choice location, maybe I'll look into it.

Work has left me feeling lightheaded & disoriented, not really sure why. Very high winds when I left made me think I might soon be heading back, hurriedly shutting stuff off, etc. Thinking about going out for a burrito or something. Wish I had something fun to do.

While walking with P on my lunch break we were discussing the various geographically localized narratives which have become so popular at least since the 80s, the detective novel set in Japan or the American Southwest, the autobiographical Bildungsroman set in this or that developing country, and how, for the most part, genre characteristics play much more of a role in shaping the narratives than local conditions. I expressed concern that this might create the impression of universal epistemic or life processes, Peretz agreed strongly & said that he has long had similar reservations about multiculturalism generally. He insists that things must be very different in different places, since even in the same place things consistently fail to be self-similar. When we got home, he started drawing diagrams on a whiteboard, but I can't understand them & really need to get back to work.

Back to work soon- well, actually it was back to work last night, what's the going rate for being a 24/7 helpdesk anyway? Need the info for contract negotiations.

Dry air is starting to wear on me, itchy. Head full of little institutional projects, soda machines, pachinko machines, skee ball machines...

The gnat that sings his summer's song
Poison gets from slander's tongue.
The poison of the snake and newt
Is the sweat of envy's foot.



Trying to entertain, why does everyone look so sad?

Morning chores done, work, laundry, telephone conversations, will maybe go on expedition with P or something, should really do the dishes, weekend fun, hurrah.

T's having fun in NYC hanging with electronic music making Mountain Jews & such. Dread of looming vacation infecting everything I do, nervous, nervous.

Listening to Skip Spence, vibrating.

Listening to 'Forever Changes', thinking about going out for breakfast, have to be at work in a little over an hour and a half, maybe make holiday cookies at some point. Probably going to go to Silver Spoon in Easthampton for breakfast today, yesterday went to The Egg & "I" in Dennisport which I would strongly recommend if you are interested in interesting side dishes with your breakfast (wide variety of sausages, back bacon, baked beans, etc.). They also offer a breakfast bar if you're interested.

Done with work for the week & extremely glad of it, looming vacation at the end of next week already making me a bit nervous, haven't been back home for two years, should be a strange experience, idea of driving all that way is kind of freaking me out,no good reason for that, have done it innumerable times.

Sick of the warm weather, want blizzard already, maybe stop by a DQ later or something.

Am going to try & implement yet another trip to the seaside later, most complexities have been sorted out in advance thanks to wonders of Internet, sadly always an element of indeterminacy in travel, ah well.

FInally managed to leave work significantly early, leaving myself some time to work tomorrow, why do I hate myself so?

Making frozen breaded tilapia fillets, taste the freshness.

Nasty hangnail on my right thumb making it unpleasant to type, maybe more later.

I don't mean to say that fucking with an ideological state apparatus or two isn't a blast, but let's get real, I grease the wheels of one for a living, you too, more than likely.

Sitting around after a nice shower thinking about political strategy, it's pretty fucking hopeless, but still sort of fun to think about sometimes. Pretty sure explaining passages from 'On Sophistical Refutations' or even just TCP/IP to a peasant would be a lot more use than inviting them to join a 'Capital' reading group or some such. People don't need our ideology, they need to be able to make their own, we can maybe provide covering fire. Space, time, communications infrastructure, research methods, analytical methods, tools- we need to send container loads of these things south, as much as we can manage, ASAP. Everything else is self-indulgent bullshit.

Foggy morning, coffee & Peanut Butter Crunch. Trying to sort out work tasks in my head, should be billable, probably isn't.

P wants Peanut Butter Crunch.

Appear to be starting to cook again after a bit of a hiatus, baby steps. Forgot to reserve my farm share for next season, should do that, thinking about kale. Some some very attractive kale, purple leaves, green tinged, at the grocery megaplex last night, doesn't feel right buying kale from them.

P wants Peanut Butter Crunch.

Waking up ridiculously early continues, cold, drinking coffee. Peretz got ahold of a peppermint a while ago, had to take it away from him, still smells kind of minty. He's looking at me expectantly, trying to work up the energy to take him out. Supposed to rain today, I think.

Mind is kind of drifty, makes me agitated, bored, need to focus on something.

Woke up really early again, starting to feel more normal. Made some suggestions for a cd mix of songs involving space travel, played some Radio Birdman for T, listening to Cat Stevens again, drinking coffee.

Feeling pretty disoriented, trying to get the forms back in shape, reading an introduction to government & binding.

Feeling around for more amusing courses of action, would welcome suggestions, though it might not seem so.

Peretz was just flipping out in the basement, rushed upstairs, is now lying beside me smelling T's hand with great interest. Played a nice game of Chutes & Ladders, I came in last, of course (tip: don't break the cookie jar). Bought some more Peanut Butter Crunch, I need to get some milk to be well & truly in business, put out a shingle.

T is showing me nice graffiti from a book, funny kitty, etc.

Went out for sushi earlier, it's pretty great, drank a lot of tea.

Finished making mac n cheese, it's cooling, learning interesting facts from Internet, watching 'That Girl' marathon.

Are things ever weird.

Trying to drink a lot, still feeling dehydrated, thinking about art.

Did some dishes, listening to Cat Stevens, thinking about getting started on making some mac n cheese. Just had longish conversation with my mom ending with discussion of breakfast cereals, which we prefer, the history of these preferences, etc. Peanut Butter Crunch forever, like being back at Hampshire.

Wow, Cat Stevens is pretty alright.

Should probably go walking with Peretz in the remaining daylight, sleepy, unmotivated.

Keep missing the fact that I'm running out of coffee, down to dotage, I imagine. Lovely day, spent a good deal of time outside with P, will probably do some more of that in a little while, going to try to do some baking, go see some music later.

Have allowed myself to get pretty dehydrated, not exactly sure how I managed it, been drinking what seems like plenty of water, anyway, muscle pain, blech.

Up bright & early, showered & shaved, those years in the military really paid off, think about it, kids.

Coffee, Mission of Burma, what's next?

Walk the dog, maybe.

Going to go out for Thai with T in a bit, I think, going to try to get some xmas shopping in tomorrow, we'll see what happens. Lots of muscle pain, worn out, sad old man. Really pretty viciously cold out, shouldn't be a surprise, but it is. Cold weather mostly makes P sleep a lot indoors, be totally manical out, last night he was being pretty nutty inside as well, maybe I've not been paying him sufficient attention?

Feeling very agitated despite fairly extreme exhaustion, slight noises making me jump. Eating food will probably help.

Anybody know a pizza place with malteds?

Much awaited end of workweek has been deferred, home waiting for lengthy synchronization process to complete so I can go back and do some migration, configuration, testing, etc. Big drag.

Morning air froze my hair while walking P this morning, no snow, was supposed to be some snow.

Cooked a nutritious stir fry, proud of myself, cooking has taken a real downturn since farm share ended, pathetic, lack of discipline.

Still pretty tired, was kind of drifting toward the end of workday, had trouble keeping track of what I was doing, brilliant.

Half watching some psycho girlfriend thriller T brought home from the library, brings back memories. Peretz has just arrived to receive attentions, got to go.

Have a case of the fidgets, might as well be asleep, can't concentrate.

My life has gotten very strange recently, in a basically good way I think. It's one thing to feel fully prepared and committed to acting in extreme ways if people want or need you to, quite another to have them actually want or need you to, even if you act exactly as you would've expected. Pretty tired, frightening sense of mental clarity, wonder how I got so good at convincing myself of things.

Anyway, I really do feel pretty warmly toward everyone likely to be reading this nonaccidentally, if you need anything, you should drop a line.

Was back & forth about going out to see some music for quite a while, finally decided that I'm just too tired. Having a ginger ale.

Feeling bored, restless, too tired to do anything about it, crap.

Peretz is rooting around in his bed, tags jingling.

Have day off, not getting much done- did some x-mas shopping, had lunch, bought some groceries, now sitting around spacing out. Should be walking dog, don't feel like going back out in the cold. Abandoned complex dinner plans for easy ones, might take a nap.

Well, a day late, but I got my first snowy excursion with Peretz in after all, had a nice effect on my frame of mind, already weirdly upbeat & positive, soon I'll be offering weekend courses at the ashram, fucked up, but maybe a good way to pay the bills.

P's eaten his breakfast, seems to want to go out again, hopefully he'll get over it, ah, he appears to have done so.

Maybe more tour of indigenous pizza options later, can't wait.

Some odd reflective moments, I'm a little flower, I'm nothing.

Managed to knock over lamp by my bed in the process of going to sleep, just spent some quality time cleaning up broken light bulb glass. Sore and achy this morning, vision slightly blurred.

Moon was beautiful last night, looming on the horizon, lilac-tinged, high overhead, pure white, skipping quickly through the clouds. Everything is beautiful, of course.

Left work early as part of compensatory measures related to excessive work of last week, it's a good thing, beginning to think that more than four hours of sleep may in fact be necessary, getting old, pathetic, looking to go posthuman ASAP.

Have a muscle cramp on the pinkie side of my right hand, odd.

Have always had a pretty acute sense that things gang aft agley- funny how lately time has been all out of joint but things actually seem to be coming together, hard to understand, maybe exceptions from the causal order are required for things to go well?

Peretz is asleep in a ball beside me, philosophical problems you don't care about spinning in my head. Or should I say 'philosophical'? It's a pretty hard thing to take seriously, I mostly don't even try.

Really need to try to get some more sleep at some point, this is just silly.

Woke up early, got up to check if there was snow, no snow, sad. Peretz is very disappointed, was hoping to get day off from school, didn't do his homework.

Things have gotten strange, it's pretty neat.

I'm really cold, going to make some fresh coffee.

Cold out, wonder if we're really going to get snow tomorrow, hope so.

This is really depressing, strangely, it got me thinking about what's happened to the university system, its infiltration by capitalist/corporatist values in the wake of its mushrooming growth since the 60s, I mean. Wonder if that's why so many friends of mine have retreated into the dusty stacks.

Hmmm, fairly weak comfort, but happy memories come along with it, nice. Listening to These Trails, 'Our House in Hanalei' at the moment. Discussing my travel plans with pal I'm going to see now, need to bring bread, coffee apparently. P has relented & made room for me on the couch.

Think my hair may have gotten much more gray recently, could be my imagination.

Have once again allowed myself to run out of proper coffee, in an emergency measure preparing myself a small amount of Sunshine Comfort Roast I had socked away, ah, roasted comfort. Peretz has occupied my position on the couch, I'm sitting precariously on its edge, pressed against him.

Headed to the big city for the day, hope my simple ways don't lead to my getting taken advantage of by the slickers. Hoping to be taken on one of those whirlwind tours where lighted signs and newspaper headlines buzz by my bemused & fascinated countenance, partially transparent.

Spent last evening in expectant state, no disasters emerged, brain is slowly reducing alert level. Fell asleep on the couch, didn't sleep that well, up too early.

sanā ca soma jeṣi ca pavamāna mahi śravaḥ |
athā no vasyasas kṛdhi ||
sanā jyotiḥ sanā svarviśvā ca soma saubhaghā |
athā ... ||
sanā dakṣamuta kratumapa soma mṛdho jahi |
athā ... ||
pavītāraḥ punītana somamindrāya pātave |
athā ... ||
tvaṃ sūrye na ā bhaja tava kratvā tavotibhiḥ |
athā ... ||
tava kratvā tavotibhirjyok paśyema sūryam |
athā ... ||
abhyarṣa svāyudha soma dvibarhasaṃ rayim |
athā ... ||
abhyarṣānapacyuto rayiṃ samatsu sāsahiḥ |
athā ... ||
tvāṃ yajñairavīvṛdhan pavamāna vidharmaṇi |
athā ... ||
rayiṃ naścitramaśvinamindo viśvāyamā bhara |
athā .. . ||

Shit, this thing won't let me put Greek in properly, oh well, if you feel like it check out the quote from Euripides & the paragraph after.

"When the sunlight strikes raindrops in the air, they act as a prism and form a rainbow. The rainbow is a division of white light into many beautiful colors. These take the shape of a long round arch, with its path high above, and its two ends apparently beyond the horizon. There is , according to legend, a boiling pot of gold at one end. People look, but no one ever finds it. When a man looks for something beyond his reach, his friends say he is looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Throughout the centuries people have explained the rainbow in various ways. Some have accepted it as a miracle without physical explanation. To the Hebrews it was a token that there would be no more universal floods. The Greeks used to imagine that it was a sign from the gods to foretell war or heavy rain. The Norsemen considered the rainbow as a bridge over which the gods passed from earth to their home in the sky. Others have tried to explain the phenomenon physically. Aristotle thought that the rainbow was caused by reflection of the sun's rays by the rain. Since then physicists have found that it is not reflection, but refraction by the raindrops which causes the rainbows. Many complicated ideas about the rainbow have been formed. The difference in the rainbow depends considerably upon the size of the drops, and the width of the colored band increases as the size of the drops increases. The actual primary rainbow observed is said to be the effect of super-imposition of a number of bows. If the red of the second bow falls upon the green of the first, the result is to give a bow with an abnormally wide yellow band, since red and green light when mixed form yellow. This is a very common type of bow, one showing mainly red and yellow, with little or no green or blue."

Did end up getting called into work again last night, sheesh.

The heavy stress of the past few days has brought on some interesting ecstatic states, anybody need some ideas for a cult? I've got some sketches of the godhead I'd be willing to part with cheap.

Anyway, woke with a start a little while ago, earlier than I had planned, may actually try to work in a nap later, doesn't seem likely to work out, somebody'll probably bend down to pick up a penny or something and somehow set my workplace ablaze. Imagine it will involve a complex pulley system, an excitable chicken and an electro-optical sensor at the very least.

The sleep I did manage to get was pretty nice, can't remember how many nights now I've been tarrying with Mnemosyne, maybe the world can use some saturnine muses?