Oh, gosh, well this is uncomfortable...

Spent a long time not really able to write. Kind of mentally disorganized around everything that wasn't work, been getting a bit less that way, I guess.

The past few days, there have been a number of suicides in my social vicinity. While I'm very saddened by this, it hasn't thrown me into the incoherent panic spiral it once would have.

Old and boring.

Coming out of a long, long fog. It's been a slow emergence, over the past couple of years, really. Anyway, I'm out and having a fresh look around.

I'm noticing patterns in my life of encountering incomprehensible horror, finding something to focus on and looking for an escape route. When I was a kid it was: Hiroshima, Holocaust, Pol Pot, Reagan; mathematics; science fiction. Then it was: deeply troubled friends and girlfriends; philosophy; experimental music. After that: my own anxiety disorder; computer systems; performance art. Right now I'm lead planner on the transition and turnaround of two fairly major organizations, one a food co-op, the other a contemporary arts org.  I'm waking up too early to think about planning, it's getting better all the time and I hope to be sleeping better soon. Not sure of my escape route but hoping it involves more cooking and swimming.

Everything piles up, nothing ever goes away. I have favored approaches: DIY, open source, cooperation. So some of the piles are falling in place, maybe even nicely. I have too many projects with detailed planning; I'm negotiating, refining and assessing delegation and investment options. I have a new little dog who squeaks and paces and jumps on my computer as I type. Maybe my whole family is going to move here. Maybe far off friends will come as well.

Everything's a mess, it's all beautiful and real.

Lots of changes. I'm now an IT manager. We have a lakefront cottage. I have a new and different dog.

Feels natural and alienating by turns.

Up early, as I now uniformly am, woken by Ada jumping on my face.  Later, the dogs are off to spa, parents are arriving from Maine, taking them to cottage tomorrow.

L is out at cottage already, her phone lost beneath the lake, likely safe in waterproof case, but unresponsive. Maybe I should pick up a new one for her later.

Also later, outdoor show in Eastern Equine Encephalitis zone.

I may go buy some local peaches and milk shortly. It's later than you think.

Recent weeks, thoughts have been dominated by friend on a death trip, so also, same old, same old.

Finally reviewing recordings from February. Seems like it's back to real job soon. One big time slip.

Have a new dog, have a cottage by lake, have almost nothing to say.

Giant rush of spring work has ebbed, wish I could sleep more.

Blurry.  Lots to do today and then driving to Syracuse.

Juggling too many things and not doing anything very well.  Trying to figure out how to simplify work commitments and still eat, pay bills, etc.

Very nice co-worker I trained last summer died of cancer a couple days ago, in her 30s, sucks.

Feeling a bit of a wreck, sad, stomach bug, irregular sleep, impaired vision, too much stuff I should be doing that requires adequate sleep and vision. Maybe new glasses will show up one of these days, anyway.

Went & got Peretz's ashes from the vet yesterday, nice wooden box, roses, etc.  Will maybe do something with them next I see T., meantime they sit sadly on a shelf.

About to go out for a nice salad or something.  Maybe some tea.

Bye, Peretz.

Should really be taking more photos, writing more, etc. Been feeling like a big sleepy blob for what seems like months.

L's window display went up at Feeding Tube yesterday, turned out pretty wonderful, took some photos of that at least.

You'd think I'd be getting more worky work done while being uncreative, but no, universal slump, blech. Would rather be sleeping.

Folks are on their way home, big snow yesterday, nice xmas despite nasty head cold.

Peretz seems to be perking up a bit on new canned food diet, hurray.

Show in New Hampshire tomorrow, hope throat stops hurting.

Made french toast and bacon, hardly any butter, need to go grocery shopping.

Blustery, cold. Should be doing some work, but can't seem to get my head around it.

On Thanksgiving, I slipped and fell down the stairs, no real injuries, slight burn on wrist from railing.

Strange that the big tree out front still has some leaves on it.

Home from L's dad's funeral, watching Macy's Parade with Peretz.

Coffee is brewing.

Woke at 11:11. Happy Armistice Day. Wars continue.

House pervaded with the scent of snickerdoodles. Peretz is pacing about impatiently.

Foggy headed.

Lots on my mind, nothing much to say about it. Been going here and there, doing lots of things, not much to say about it.

Peretz seems older and frailer all the time.

Spent most of the last week with an odd cold, the main symptoms of which were extreme sleepiness and a cloudy head. Frustrating to not be able to get much work done, finding most things frustrating lately, so rarely feel in the swing of things, bored, unmotivated.

Nice quiet morning doing nothing much. Should arrange more of same. Dogs like it. I like it.

Just spoke briefly with Chris, sounds like he's making serious efforts to arrange interesting musical activities for Jen & me in Nashville. Nice folks always nice.

Rainy, drear, I like it.

OK, no more beautiful salt marsh to gaze upon, back to work.

Hectic day yesterday of packing, driving, unpacking, garden party, show then another show. Really nice to come back to so many delightful friends.

Peretz seems to appreciate the return to familiar surroundings.

So, breakfast, work, work, work.

In an outrageously pleasant and palatial house on a cove in Wellfleet- lovely amusing people, frolicking dogs, extremely tasty food.  Had, for example, a particularly delightful plate of halibut sashimi with a light yuzu sauce. Head intermittently filled with horrific nightmare images, couldn't ask for a nicer spot for it.

Difficult day, particularly at work, lots of fear and trembling. L. is making pasta with red sauce, farm share peppers. Should probably open an all night soda shop.

While there are always pretty major gaps between my rich inner life and what I am able to successfully express, as I suppose there are with everyone, mine seem particularly overwhelming to contemplate lately, much less try to bridge, though I've been doing quite a lot of both, to the exclusion of other things I should really be doing, honestly.

I've been very unsettled all summer, having difficulty concentrating, eagerly jumping into any activity that has me out and moving around. That's been fairly productive artistically, I guess, to the neglect of everything else.

Spent time looking at some old photos with T just before she left for the airport, I looked so calm and pleasant at 25 or whatever, I imagine I mostly look like that now as well.  Anyway, like I say, major gaps.  Night before that, she was over at the house, visiting with Peretz.  Realistically, it's likely to be their last visit. He's in the kitchen having some water now.

We did a lot of recording in a fancy recording studio last week, results sound pretty neat, lots of mixing to do.

Need to buy coffee, dog food, pick up farm share, maybe I'll even manage to cook some of it.

Kept up late by panic attack, pretty extreme foot & leg discomfort.

Sweating at desk, periodically stretching crampy foot.

Picnic later, then tedious NYC.

Show in Brooklyn tomorrow I've been dreading, will be good to done with it.

It's funny to periodically realize that I have no idea how I'd actually like to be treated.  Ridiculous, really.

Hurt my left foot the other day, sick of limping.

Got T. from the airport this AM, then took a long nap, first successful nap in many days of wanting a nap.  Got asked a lot of questions regarding conspiracy theories.  I am not an enthusiast.