Oh, gosh, well this is uncomfortable...

Spent a long time not really able to write. Kind of mentally disorganized around everything that wasn't work, been getting a bit less that way, I guess.

The past few days, there have been a number of suicides in my social vicinity. While I'm very saddened by this, it hasn't thrown me into the incoherent panic spiral it once would have.

Old and boring.

Coming out of a long, long fog. It's been a slow emergence, over the past couple of years, really. Anyway, I'm out and having a fresh look around.

I'm noticing patterns in my life of encountering incomprehensible horror, finding something to focus on and looking for an escape route. When I was a kid it was: Hiroshima, Holocaust, Pol Pot, Reagan; mathematics; science fiction. Then it was: deeply troubled friends and girlfriends; philosophy; experimental music. After that: my own anxiety disorder; computer systems; performance art. Right now I'm lead planner on the transition and turnaround of two fairly major organizations, one a food co-op, the other a contemporary arts org.  I'm waking up too early to think about planning, it's getting better all the time and I hope to be sleeping better soon. Not sure of my escape route but hoping it involves more cooking and swimming.

Everything piles up, nothing ever goes away. I have favored approaches: DIY, open source, cooperation. So some of the piles are falling in place, maybe even nicely. I have too many projects with detailed planning; I'm negotiating, refining and assessing delegation and investment options. I have a new little dog who squeaks and paces and jumps on my computer as I type. Maybe my whole family is going to move here. Maybe far off friends will come as well.

Everything's a mess, it's all beautiful and real.

Lots of changes. I'm now an IT manager. We have a lakefront cottage. I have a new and different dog.

Feels natural and alienating by turns.

Up early, as I now uniformly am, woken by Ada jumping on my face.  Later, the dogs are off to spa, parents are arriving from Maine, taking them to cottage tomorrow.

L is out at cottage already, her phone lost beneath the lake, likely safe in waterproof case, but unresponsive. Maybe I should pick up a new one for her later.

Also later, outdoor show in Eastern Equine Encephalitis zone.

I may go buy some local peaches and milk shortly. It's later than you think.

Recent weeks, thoughts have been dominated by friend on a death trip, so also, same old, same old.

Finally reviewing recordings from February. Seems like it's back to real job soon. One big time slip.

Have a new dog, have a cottage by lake, have almost nothing to say.

Giant rush of spring work has ebbed, wish I could sleep more.

Blurry.  Lots to do today and then driving to Syracuse.

Juggling too many things and not doing anything very well.  Trying to figure out how to simplify work commitments and still eat, pay bills, etc.

Very nice co-worker I trained last summer died of cancer a couple days ago, in her 30s, sucks.

Feeling a bit of a wreck, sad, stomach bug, irregular sleep, impaired vision, too much stuff I should be doing that requires adequate sleep and vision. Maybe new glasses will show up one of these days, anyway.

Went & got Peretz's ashes from the vet yesterday, nice wooden box, roses, etc.  Will maybe do something with them next I see T., meantime they sit sadly on a shelf.

About to go out for a nice salad or something.  Maybe some tea.

Bye, Peretz.