Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Spent a while this evening doing some writing, not for this, nothing's ever as good as I'd like, of course, not sure why I bother, something to do, I guess. I'm winding down, having things to do is necessary but a pain, wish I slept better, it's my new favorite hobby, not very good at it. Where're the mystic crystal revelations?

Mind is nicely focused anyway, not that it helps much.
Keeping busy at work, it's nice, need to come up with more things to be busy with at home, I think. Just had some leftover pasta for lunch, took a brisk walk with dog, trying not to think too much.

Spent a bunch of time looking into dealing with the change to Daylight Savings Time, not something I usually look forward to with dread, it's funny.
Snow didn't really amount to much of anything, most depressing winter on record continues unabated.

Getting used to getting up early again, it's pretty nice, more sunshine in my day. Shattering emotional pain continues to be an everyday occurrence, so every little bit helps.

Peretz is working on a device to make people more like dogs, I'm a little confused by what he says about its mode of action, but am excited to see it tried out, hope nobody gets hurt. Boxes of electrical components keep arriving from the Far East, some of them appear to be from the future, it's hard to figure out.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Think I may be coming down with a cold, catarrh, flushed, bleh. Should maybe just take the dog for another walk and go to bed. No walking in snow, I guess.
Made semielaborate pasta dish for dinner, went back to work to reboot a server, drinking Belgian beer I was given for xmas with T. Snow is supposedly on yet again for tonight, getting used to disappointment. Hoping it starts before I go to bed and I get to spend some time walking around in it.

The beer is really good.
Quite a long morning at work, guy I was expecting to show up early didn't show up till after 11, waited around for him to be done with what he was doing, got out a few minutes ago. Feeling pretty tired, but also like I have a clearer sense of what's going on in my life than I've had in weeks, hoping I manage to keep hold of that sense and can finally calm down a bit. Should really eat something, not sure what I could keep down.

Whole bunch of potential work to be done later this evening as a result of the stuff just done, just want to be asleep.
Up early again, hands icy from extended morning walk with Peretz, he's in the basement, barking hysterically. Now he's gone into the bathroom, now he's looking in one of T's bags.

Felt fine last night till I tried to go to sleep, then spent a couple hours wrestling with demons, guess what? I lost.

Wish I could get myself to write some poems.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Ended up going out for music and actually enjoyed myself but tired pretty quickly and came home again, not bad, really. Sometimes tired is good, mostly lately it's involved slipping into uncontrolled obsessive worry, not right now though, feels very nice to be still, lovely detachment, quiet waves of sleep, emptiness.
Ended up going to grocery store, getting makings of easy dinner, making and eating it. Trying to decide whether to go out to see music, it's very cold, but as so often lately the real question is whether staying in or going out will make me feel more or less anxious and upset. There's not really any way to tell, I imagine I'll decide after that whichever decision I end up making was the worse one, given that, it probably doesn't really matter either way.

Food has made things seem a little less overwhelming, but not by much.
Into work early, out early, listening to 'Yellow Pills', trying to get my head together. Don't know what to do about dinner, maybe go out, need to go grocery shopping, might go see music later, all seems overwhelming. Times like this make me wish I was into heavier stuff than cigarettes and coffee or at least had better psychological mechanisms for shutting out reality, everybody else seems to, what's the deal?

Funny little exposed nerve, why not probe it? No, really, pain helps break up the tedium.
Turns out support vendor had scheduled to come in on Tuesday the 29th, not Monday the 29th, not sure when that's supposed to be, assuming tomorrow, so it will be another early one, I guess. Only mildly annoyed about it, kind of prefer going in early anyway.

Return to work has brought a return to relative mental stability, ability to stop worrying and focus has returned, more or less, hoping that holds for bit, I need a break.
Got up early, need to go into work early to work with a support vendor, whoopee.

Actually slept pretty well for once, had trouble waking up, but feel quite alert now. It's hard to understand how people got through life without coffee and showers, must've felt like crap all the time, I guess some people still do, it sucks.

Been trying to write poems in my head, too distracted, nothing comes together. Maybe later.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

So tired. Things have just been too much for me lately, constantly tired, when doing things wishing I could stop doing them so I could rest, when resting feeling very anxious, wishing I had something to do to take my mind off the things I'm worrying about. It's pretty hellish, wish it would stop, don't really see that happening any time soon.

Lying on couch with Peretz half watching TV, half doing stuff on computer, mind keeps wandering off down scary paths, just want to be asleep.
Managed to take a brief nap, still feeling worried and out of sorts, wishing I could take more of a nap. Scenarios playing out in my mind that all frighten me quite badly, maybe they'll stop eventually, I don't know. Anyway, not feeling very good, would be better to be asleep.
Got up early, checked in on some things at work, did laundry, talked for a while with my brother, then my mom, then went for a walk. Thinking about taking a nap.

Have been in a bit of a bind, been shifting around trying to get loose, a bit of chafing on the wrists and ankles, at this point basically settling in for a long wait.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Didn't stay for the play, too crowded, was making me nervous, really enjoyed the other stuff, getting out of the house.

Not as cold tonight, much nicer for walking around, good to be home again, resting, watching cartoons.

Peretz is crying, wants attention, got to go.
Wish for something to do & something comes up, it's a pleasure universe:

tonight, sat 27th @ 8pm
The Upstairs Studio
in the Fitz Willy's building
downtown Noho. $5 all ages
follow the signs, 32 main st.
above dirty truth/fitzwilly's

Wonders of the World : Recite
a real deal play about the last day
on earth, fiber optic meteor showers!

Ben Hersey (monologues)

Tumble Cat Poof Poofy Poof

Pretty excited about it.
Couldn't find anything in town I wanted other than a cup of coffee, was nice walking around anyway, should probably go out and walk around with Peretz some as well.

Really making a lot of progress on things I've been thinking about, adequate sleep really helps.
Drinking some peppermint tea with honey, thinking about walking into town, maybe getting a record or something. Really wishing I had something fun to do, some music to go see or somebody to have dinner with or something, maybe should just pick up a book or a movie as well.

Trying to think of things I could be doing to make more of a positive contribution to the world, am mostly good at being introspective and hypercritical, not sure that these skills are in any great demand or of any great use to anyone. Really wishing I could get to work on some stories, feel too restless, distracted.
Early Yoda concept:

When I was a kid I had a book of Star Wars concept art that included an even earlier Yoda concept in which he looked even more like some random gnome, can't find a copy of that unfortunately. I used to have fantasies of all of those sorts of really bad ideas having somehow made it to the screen, then I saw the first two prequels. Not always best to have your dreams become reality.

Not so much wining and dining, biding my time.
Woke up feeling cold, Peretz arrived suddenly, also cold, very playful, got me out of bed anyway, good dog. Yet another dusting of snow, it's still pretty, trying to get by on diminished expectations. Not sure what to do with myself today, nothing is really catching my interest, should maybe wait for coffee to kick in and revisit the topic.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Lentils were good, thinking about having some soda, Orange Dry in the fridge, I think. Painfully sleepy, just took Peretz for a brief walk, hands hurt. P's going nuts in the basement.

Have a nasty cough, need sleep.
Making hearty green lentil dish, house smells nice, the 5 AM wakeup call is catching up to me, time to look for another line of work, anybody need a conceptual analyst? Been talking to T about a bunch of stuff, funny how people don't get the whole no actual state of affairs implies or compels any particular action or response thing, to me it seems pretty basic.
Really shockingly cold, still need to get groceries, maybe Atkins?

Getting calmer and calmer, it's interesting. Having things make sense to me helps a lot. Still far from the desired perfect information state, of course, can't have everything.

OK, should probably take the dog out.
Spent some of my time working at home yesterday afternoon playing with paketto keiretsu, exploring the LAN at work. Need to spend more time doing stuff like that.

Peretz seems to be feeling better, waiting to take him out till it's a bit warmer, don't want him freezing his paws again. He won't say what it was that he ate, seems kind of proud of whatever it was.
Got called into work at 5 AM. Came back home, fell back asleep, had several nightmares involving frightening and horrible interactions with friends and the symbol '*650'. Making coffee now. It's a cold world.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Took T out for Chinese in celebration of Tatyana's Day, a festive day for students. Peretz seems a lot less ill, was acting much more like his usual self on our return, spastic, excited. Will probably take him out again in a little while.

Beatles songs in my head, make me think about those double lp Beatles comps my folks had when I was a kid, sequences of those still much more prominent in my head than the ones on the actual albums. They also had a very extensive boxed collection of Spike Jones, that impression of Peter Lorre, gosh. Paul Frees, the guy who did that, also did a cover of Hey Jude in the voice of Lorre, dig it.
Working from home due to P's stomach condition, just made him some burnt toast & filled the house with smoke, I hope it helps or he just feels better without help, it's going to be really cold tonight and if he has to go out a lot he could hurt his paws.

Feeling a bit queasy myself.
Came home for lunch a short time ago, found that Peretz was having a digestive disturbance, no mess in the house I could find, but he needed to go out pretty urgently.

Work is a lot more fun when stuff is broken, it's being pretty fun.

Happy Tatyana's Day.
Went and got dog food and coffee, need to get groceries later.

Making good progress thinking about some things that have been concerning me, feeling a little better about them, consequently sleeping better, not feeling as ill.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Really exhausted, got lots done at work despite feeling like I was floating around and having trouble making my eyes focus. Been drinking way too much coffee, time for detox, soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for a start I think. Hard to get up and get to it.

Waves of cold pouring through my apartment's crappy windows, wrapped in a blanket, tired, scared.
Up early, Peretz's paws froze up on walk, still feeling a little woozy and floaty from yesterday's migraine, hopefully I'll get through the day OK. Actually got a reasonable amount of sleep, it's a big change, maybe can get through the day without feeling like I'm going to fall over.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Woke up at 6 AM with a migraine, it's basically gone now, but I still feel pretty funny. Usually when I get those I take some ibuprofen and drink some coffee and go back to sleep, was thinking about stuff and couldn't fall back asleep, it was pretty dreadful.

Lying very still and listening to Brian Eno, hopefully will feel more or less normal by tomorrow.

Monday, January 22, 2007

More paltry snow, also looks like no storm later in the week after all, Peretz is pissed.

Had an extremely difficult time sleeping last night, not sure how well I'm going to function today, sigh.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Went to see a matinee of Children of Men, pretty decent scifi, kind of refreshing.

Been trying very hard to figure out how to behave like a responsible adult, it's somewhat challenging, slowly doing better at it, I think.
Turned out to be a beautiful day for walking the dog, so I've been doing a good deal of that. Might go catch a movie or something in a while. Been through a bit of a meat grinder the past few months, reforming myself into a patty resembling my former self as much as possible, bits keep falling off, it's kind of embarrassing.
T called from New York to tell me she was on Peretz St., Peretz is very proud of his street. Exploration of the cultural practices of the Caucasus continues, apparently.

No idea what to do today, dishes, hurrah.

Been feeling a bit unstable this weekend, slowly feeling less so, I hope. Unstructured time & all that.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Feeling hurt & terrified again, like a dog somebody's been kicking, I should try to get more sleep.
Started feeling kind of unwell a while ago, went to the store to pick up some things to eat, ate some things, feel worse. Just stress, probably. Have been having a lot of difficulty falling asleep, brain won't stop, used to happen to me all the time, hasn't for a long time now, old habits die hard, I guess. Feeling a lot more like I used to feel years ago than I would have thought possible, it's not so bad, pain is mostly only a problem if you care about it. Feeling pretty cheerful and optimistic despite all this, amazing what elaborate self-deception can accomplish.
Just back from a long walk in the woods with Peretz, hands are kind of numb.

I've never been all that good at demanding anything from people I care about and being consistent about it, but I've realized that there are some things, such as a basic level of care and respect or at least an effort to achieve such, without which interacting with people can't be anything but a painful waste of time, trying to be consistent about not interacting with people under those circumstances at least, it goes against some fairly basic impulses, but nonetheless makes me feel a lot better.

Thinking about finally getting around to finishing Dhalgren this afternoon, maybe this evening if I think of something to do in the outside world.
Sleepy, bored, trying to think of fun things to do. T's going to NYC after work for yet more Russian dance party. Peretz is combing the house for things to eat. Never did get around to having that drink, maybe later.

Maybe I'll go to town and find a book.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Just went for a long night walk with Peretz out to the levee, very light snow falling, sky mostly clear, watched a plane flying up the river valley. Rolling things over in my mind till they're smooth and shiny.

I can be a harsh person, that's just how it is.
Just back from walk to town, picked up a box of chocolates for T to give at upcoming work gift exchange. Had interesting conversation with her about prominent role played by scented candles at such events. Not sure if people who like them really like them and expect others to do the same or if it's just that they're an easy to hand sub-$10 gift. For the record, I don't care for them.

Really getting a kick out of the cold, bracing. May make myself a stiff drink.
Went & got my soda, had nice chat with proprietress about the local soda biz, didn't get any Polish specialties as shop was closed, any Portuguese ones because I didn't feel like it. Took a nice drive in the country after in the course of which I had an unexpected conference call with network service provider. Home now & sleepy. Just got off the phone with my mom, she's been having some very severe back pain this past week, sounds like it's maybe nothing that serious, probably won't need to have more surgery.
Snow's already all but gone, dismal. Kind of nippy, just back from a walk with P, may go on another walk soon. Trying to think of some fun stuff to do over the weekend, was doing lots of fun stuff for a while, not so much lately, am going to try to go back to doing fun stuff. Everybody's working for the weekend & c.

Going to go return bottles and get some more local soda for a start I think, been missing it. Maybe pick up some Polish or Portuguese specialties while I'm at it. Should maybe consider just moving to Ludlow, it's got a lot to offer.
Peretz managed to build up a little pile of snow on his nose anyway. Eating his breakfast now, should probably be doing that myself, never been any good at that. Going to try and get through the last bit of work of the week on coffee like always.

Working on my perfect detachment from the things of this world, energy is eternal delight.
Came across this Helen Keller quote while glancing at a book on rave culture T brought from the library- "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable." That deaf, dumb & blind kid sure plays a mean pinball. Was trying to come up with some Helen Keller jokes a while ago with punchlines involving her political activities, couldn't come up with any particularly funny ones.

Snow mostly a wash, it's more like Tennessee here all the time, so why no good bbq?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

People seem, for the most part, to take sins of commission much more seriously than those of omission, I tend to go the opposite way, finding, for example, not helping someone who's been hurt much more disturbing than hurting someone. Moral reflection focused on what one has failed to do also tends to be a lot more wide ranging and interesting than if one merely evaluates one's actual acts, if failing to do something can be said to not be an act. The distinction is, of course, not really rigorous, any doing of anything being a failure to not do it and so forth.

Snow doesn't seem to be amounting to much, at least it's not raining.
Went to pick up a thing for work so I wouldn't have to in the morning, then went to Rein's with T and got sandwiches, a very light snow is falling, tiny flakes, barely snow. More later hopefully.

It's nice to be able to think without it being a torment again, mind playing across surfaces, tracing possibilites, reconfiguring things, all nice & fluid, not the sharp angles and harsh perspectives I was getting unpleasantly used to. I can do anything I want, it's pretty great.

Understanding people, not trying to, understand, but actually understanding them, is a sucker's game.
Forgot how hard it is to wake up on cold mornings, sluggish, thoughtful.

Reflection, long chain of empty rooms, funny. Things are different now.

Week is gliding by, days at work dragging a bit toward the end of the day, but getting lots done. Changes in the experience of time can be very difficult, people lose track of things and one another, nothing meshes, my experience of time changes a lot.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Decided the hell with being tired, went & got my car that I'd forgotten at work again, went to the store to get a few things, am now making semielaborate pasta dish suitable for cold winter night. Feeling more like myself all the time, it's pretty great. It's difficult to only feel responsible for and concerned with one's own behavior and leave other people's to them, but it's a really good idea.
Looks like actual snow is on for tomorrow night, pretty excited about it. Sudden actual winter has taken me off guard in a nice way, wondering how much of my recent malaise was down to the dreadful weather. Its resemblance to the Tennessee winters of my childhood was pretty disspiriting, memories of feeling taunted by promo spots featuring weatherman Bill Hall & his pal Snow Bird, etc. God, did I ever watch a lot of TV when I was a kid, no wonder I'm naïve.

Very sleepy, trying to figure out dinner plans of some kind, building network architectures in my head, think I'm actually done with that, should probably try to write it all down tomorrow.
Just watched a bunch of Canadian geese fly overhead, their bellies orange from the sunset. Despite everything, the world remains beautiful and amazing, it's great being in it. Why not stop hurting one another, folks?
The thing about having pretty catholic taste in music is pretty much everybody has contempt for your taste in music, this is a good thing, I think, helps one get past a lot of issues with what music you like defining who you are, also you get to enjoy a much wider variety of music, I recommend it. Really kids, through being cool. Anyway, spending my last minutes before work listening to 20/20 & The Jam, it's a gas.
Had a nice walk with Peretz out in the bitter cold, discussed asymmetries in people's perceptions of themselves and others. A big thing is that people tend to expect themselves to change and learn from experience while they expect others to stay exactly the same whatever happens. People actually stay mostly the same, of course, but learn some things sometimes and change accordingly. Peretz is extremely proud of his ability to always stay exactly the same, I think I've been trying to emulate him a little too much lately. Not that he isn't admirable, turns out it just isn't my thing. I've been taking being reliable to the point of letting myself get into postures and attitudes that don't suit me at all. I'm still pretty reliable with respect to most things, let me know if you need anything.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Have moved on from cocoa to a nice Riesling, Blues Brothers on the TV, T on the phone. Going to go read more comics soon, I think.

Ah, James Brown scene. The day of the Lord cometh as a thief in the night. Must've seen this movie over a hundred times, funny the effect that has on perception, should probably watch a lot more movies a hundred times.

Made a couple grilled cheese sandwiches for T & myself a little while ago, they were really good.
Car crash closed the Coolidge Bridge for a while earlier, after dark, so no chance of rainbow involvement, was snowing though, might've been an iridescent reflection of lamplight. Beauty gets people in trouble, it never stops.

Ate some nutritious vegetables and some less nutritious toast with maple butter, got called back into work over the same thing I know nothing about as last week, came home and made myself some cocoa with mini marshmallows. May make myself some more cocoa with mini marshmallows.
Just went outside work for a few minutes to watch the snow in the last light of day, big, sparse flakes spiraling in the wind, nothing substantial but better than nothing.

Have had a bit of a fuzzy head all day, feel a little guilty for being paid in this state, trying to keep my hands off the delicate equipment as much as possible.
Home for lunch, just walked the dog, hands are pretty cold, neat.

Kind of a slow day at work, been trying to read some documentation, exciting stuff.

It's a big relief to have realized that there are some things I just can't be, feeling pretty good about it, making plans for fun, art, etc. Hope things are going well for you, too.
Actually cold out for once, where's my vodka and lime? Have plenty of vodka, maybe pick up some limes after work.

Really, the effect of listening to so much Simon & Garfunkel at an impressionable age is kind of embarrassing, up all night, reading scifi, one side of this or that Simon & Garfunkel record on repeat on the turntable, too tired to go to school in the morning, happy days. Last night I was up late reading Japanese comics and listening to a mix of psychedelic tunes, not as intense or involving, I'm getting old, but still pretty good. Got enough sleep to manage work as well, I'm a responsible adult.
Blindingly self-righteous rage has never been one of my favorite things, find it difficult to understand really, my experiences of it being mostly limited to small, nearly instantaneous flashes. Watching otherwise intelligent people apparently totally unconsciously pour out their insecurities on others in the form of a torrent of abuse makes me feel so sick and empty I want to shrink away into nothing, just go out in a >pop<. I'll take the panic attacks, thanks.

Anyway, waking up really slowly this morning, thick headed, but feeling pretty tranquil, at ease with things, contemplative. Went to see Curtains last night, pretty cool, they ended up playing in the front room, but it was really crowded so I ended up listening to most of their set from a couch in the next room, spacing out, took my brain to some neat places, it needed a little trip, came back refreshed.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Went and got some stuff at Atkins, took P for his second walk since I got home. There were icy patches on the road back from the store, very exciting, almost like winter.

Listening to the Smiths, trying to decide whether to wait for T to get home or just head out to show.

Like the man said, "Ein 'Bild' hielt uns gefangen." Feels good to get out of the frame, I'd forgotten.
Feeling pretty good, got lots done at work, going to go see music later. Nice to have my life back, I've been being stupid, let the messiness of things overwhelm me.

T should be getting back from NYC in a while, trying to think of something to make for dinner.
I really feel a lot better.

I've been taking things too seriously lately, expecting other people to be like me, should know better by now. Sometimes communication is just impossible. After a while it's hard to worry about it any more.

Projected ice storm appears to have not amounted to much here, it's really wet.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Really need to stop believing things people tell me, stop assuming people will believe what I say, it just makes me confused.
Thought I was over feeling panicked, turns out not so much, just about different stuff. Pretty far from desired perfect information state. Going to go hang out with friends and try to feel calmer.

Looks like an ice storm is on for later, hoping the lights stay on.
Been thinking harder than I have for a long time the past few days, I've come to some conclusions, it's helping a lot, but I'm really exhausted. Was doing laundry and managed to forget about it, really atypical, just turned the dryer back on in hope that it can be unwrinkled. Should probably try to take a nap or something.

Feeling stupid but affectionate, a little punch drunk, should probably listen to some music or something.
Just made a wish at 11:11. Stupid, huh?

Watching The Phantom Gourmet, why can't all TV be like this?
Wishing I had a copy of the Sunday Scary Monster Times to pour over with my coffee, like to keep up with doings in my community, Peretz is enjoying his Pet Intelligencer so much, smoking his pipe, I'm jealous.

Been spending lots of time alone with pain, been having some interesting conversations.

Me: Why? Why?
Pain: That's just how it is, kid.
Me: Is it something I did?
Pain: Nothing you did or can do makes any difference.
Me: Talking with you isn't helping much, think I'm going to stop paying attention to you.
Pain: Good luck with that.

And so on. It's actually even funnier than it sounds.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Went to go see some music, took me away from myself nicely for a while, then people started making me nervous, came home again, watching cartoons. I'm very itchy. I think I've been having allergic reactions to mold. Took a really hot shower which helped some. Wish it would snow. Then I could have some hot chocolate with a clear conscience.

Been having some kind of intense experiences today, feel myself melting away, was walking in town talking to myself, mind totally elsewhere, nowhere, surprised I didn't get run down. Been thinking things which are impossible to explain, think I may have broken myself in some new places. All part of the job.
Slowly getting my brains coiled back up inside my head where they won't hurt anyone but me. I guess I'm a pretty intense person, seems like nobody can stand it for long, including me.

Anyway, had a place to lay my head for a little while anyway, keep surprising myself with how much stronger I feel for it, ready to soldier on.

I'm so terrified.
My mom's best friend had a minor stroke last night, guess he's OK now. Life's too short for all this thrashing about. I'm going to try a lot harder to be what people need. We're all in this together.

OK, enough clichés for now, but I really do mean it.
Things that have been bothering me make sense to me now, makes me feel a lot better, things not making sense makes me feel nuts. Feeling concerned, but that's OK.

Anyway, going to get myself back to my normal routine of waiting in readiness and preparing for disaster. I really will try to help, if you want. The world is a very painful place.
Sometimes all people can handle is a thin broth. Better than nothing.

Slowly coming back to myself, shutting some systems down, turning others on, trying to be strong and grown up. Making contingency plans, getting ready for the next wave of pain, going to go get some lunch in a while, do some banking.

I've ceased to exist in some ways that really matter to me, feeling ghostly, spooky.

I guess I've decided it's easier to think if I write things down no matter how hard it is to do it and I really need to think to be any use to anybody. Sorry to disappoint.
Had to go buy myself a cup of coffee, forgot to restock again, drinking it now. Cold & wet, maybe ice later.

It's getting harder & harder to write, maybe I'll stop for a while. See you soon.
So tired.

Been wishing I could reliably say things in a way that would be understood, seem to be getting worse and worse at it, time to give up, never been good at that.

Folding up my things, packing them into special cases, getting myself organized. Want less mess.

Friday, January 12, 2007

It's funny, not even knowing someone's name and wanting to kill him.

Feeling kind of shattered, all sorts of pretty facets. Sometimes, nothing helps. I'm going to try to write some stories.

The kindest people have had the worst things happen to them, it's true of the absolute worst people as well, of course. It's somewhat mysterious how people go on after being very badly hurt, one way or another, I suppose.
I've spent the past couple of weeks being terribly afraid for someone I love very much. There's not much I can do about it, it's tough. I've been trying to help as best I can, but it seems like there's always an even chance or better that anything I do will make things worse including doing nothing. Trying to figure it out, some things aren't possible to figure out.
Been doing a lot of fairly heavy duty reflection, not been getting much sleep, slowly feeling more like myself. Trying to be less of a fuckup, keep my mind focused on what's important to me and act appropriately. Peretz is getting pretty bored with me, wants me to help him with the joke book he's working on, I don't understand most of the jokes, maybe it's a dog thing.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Dinner was nice, made me feel a bit better. Sushi was late in coming, but quite good and they gave us complimentary ice cream for our trouble. Always a relief to talk with sensible people, brain is settling down a bit. Talked a bit about quitting smoking, obviously I should quit smoking, it's difficult.

Not sure what to do with myself for the rest of the evening. Book, maybe?
Home from work early, did some exploring with Peretz, feet are cold now. Week has been pretty rough, wish I could see a point to it. Wish I were a mole in the ground.

Sie liebten sich beide, doch keiner
Wollt es dem andern gestehn;
Sie sahen sich an so feindlich,
Und wollten vor Liebe vergehn.
Sie trennten sich endlich und sahn sich
Nur noch zuweilen im Traum;
Sie waren längst gestorben,
Und wußten es selber kaum.

Anyway, going out to dinner soon with friends I hope, been looking forward to it, in a lot of different ways. Wish I could turn my brain off when I wanted.
Keep thinking about how on return from call into work last night, I tried to unlock the door to my apartment with the key to the server room.

OK, time to walk the Peretz.
Cold air is helping me clear my head, it's a nice change. Been doing quite a bit of self analysis, trying to be more confident in my ability to adequately respond to whatever happens, it's difficult. I generally do, but I think that may be largely because I don't expect to & overprepare. Afraid if I start to expect to, I won't. Trying to get myself to just stick to the routine of preparing myself excessively and drop the worry component. Care but no worry is what I'm shooting for, will probably fall short of the mark, but I think my aim is slowly improving. I'll keep trying.

Nightmare of last night is sticking with me, trying to see it as good company, a dark friend for dark times.
"We might even say that everywhere on earth nowadays where there is still solemnity, seriousness, mystery, gloomy colours in the lives of men and people, something of that terror is still at work, the fear with which in earlier times on earth people made promises, pledged their word, or praised something. The past, the longest, deepest, most severe past, breathes on us and surfaces in us when we become 'solemn.' When the human being considered it necessary to make a memory for himself, it never happened without blood, martyrs, and sacrifices—the most terrible sacrifices and pledges (among them the sacrifice of the first born), the most repulsive self-mutilations (for example castration), the cruellest forms of ritual in all the religious cults (and all religions are at bottom systems of cruelty)—all that originates in that instinct which discovered that pain was the most powerful means of helping to develop the memory."

This passage has seemed very significant to me for a long time, moreso right now, the world has been trying to teach me some things, slowly getting it, I think. Trying to work out an acceptable balance of ways I can be which would be more adequate to the current situation, it's coming together, I think, it's painful.

Had a dream last night about finding someone I love very much covered in blood. There was no way to tell where it was coming from and when I tried to ask, the answer was distant and indistinct, couldn't understand a thing, started drifting off into the distance. Spent a good long while awake after that, thinking.

Things are being challenging, I'm doing my best.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Whee, called into work to deal with problem I know nothing about, felt great.

Not very tired, hope I manage to fall asleep at some point.

Peretz is very excited I'm back, whining & licking my hand, nice to feel wanted.
Made some fried rice with kale and the last of my adrenaline, collapsing now. It's been a busy week.

Finally something like winter out, went on longish expedition with Peretz in it and garish orange hoodie. Yeah, yeah, same rhetorical effect, so what, Jack? It was P's suggestion anyway, blame him.

What's a sweet young thing like me doing in a place like this? Should've listened to Mother Superior, if it falls out- use it.
Haloed half moon, dusting of snow, sometimes it's nice to wake up early.

Fell asleep early as well, maybe I'll feel less batty today. It's been a difficult week, time stretching out in horrible ways, really needing to think, being in no condition to do so properly. Que diras-tu ce soir, pauvre âme solitaire?

It's a good question, who fucking knows.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Feeling startlingly tense, sleep deprivation is playing a part I'm sure, mostly it's just that my life's a wreck at the moment, same old, same old is the attitude I'm trying to take to that, only sort of working. It's kind of spooky here in the outer darkness, should really feel right at home, been away for a while, I guess.
Have an awful sinking feeling, the waters closing over my head. Glug, glug...

I float pretty well in reality, in my imagination, not so much.

Going to go get coffee filters.
Woke up a while ago having an allergic reaction to something, should probably find some antihistamine. Let myself run out of coffee filters this time instead of coffee, can work around that anyway.

Trying to be a trusting soul, pitiable, I suppose, maybe ridiculous, but there it is. Some things are too important to worry about being ridiculous, most things, actually.

Anyway, fully awake & alert at the time I used to have to get up for high school, it's terrifying. Where's that breakfast bar again?

Monday, January 08, 2007

Just went on nice expedition with Peretz, wind made it seem almost nippy, refreshing. We had a nice chat about the ontological status of properties. He's now lying on the couch cleaning himself & belching occasionally.

Been trying to whip myself into shape for the challenges ahead, it's a jungle out there, been holding my hand in candle flame while trying to keep a straight face, etc., it's a gas.

Mobble mibble, a poisoned pebble.
Mibble mobble, a wizened bobble.

& so on, tell me if you've heard this one.
It's hard to believe I'm still feeling agitated after the incredibly boring day I've had, should be asleep under my desk or something.

Beautiful twilight brown orange clouds outside, want to go out and play with them. Also saw a lovely little orange dog playing loose on the hillside behind work, at first I thought it was a fox. He'd gotten confused by the fence, hope he finds his way back to wherever he came from or maybe finds some place better.
Been thinking a lot about writing something other than this, something not about myself.

Remember writing some biographical portraits when I was in college and feeling frustrated that they seemed to be more about myself, my professor wrote something about them like 'You need to get out of the way and let things come through.' When I think about it now, I don't think they were so much about myself as that a whirring vortex of symbols took over everything. Abstract objects so often seem more real to me than other people or myself, really, I guess that should be troubling, it's the opposite of troubling, people are troubling. The more I think about myself, the more I slip away.

I've recently had some experiences of beauty more perfect than I anticipated ever having, it's really shaken me up, trying to figure out what to do with them. I think I need to make them into something, I don't know what, don't know that I'm up to it, seems like a big responsibility, they deserve to be made into something good, something joyful and I have so much darkness inside, I don't want to pollute them, I want other people to see what's possible.
Letting myself grow hungry and cold, it isn't all that hard really, like seeing an old friend after a long absence, things are a little uncomfortable, there's catching up to do. Wish there were some snow instead of this cold rain, not my style.

Looking forward to being a contented little robot at work, piling things into piles.

Have 'Suspect Device' stuck in my head, 'Peace Train' playing on the stereo.
Hyperalert state continues, some time maybe I'll get enough sleep, brain getting a bit funny, will try not to break anything. Peretz is asleep next to me, looks very pleased with himself. We'll both be heading into the cold rain shortly, expect violent basement antics afterward.

Being a grown up sucks, not like I enjoyed being a kid much better, oh hell.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Feeling just incredibly sad. Also have quite the headache.

T got back from her trip, really good to see her.
Morning reading:

"And surely he that could sometimes sit down with high improbabilities, that could content himself, and think to satisfie others, that the variegation of Birds was from their living in the Sun, or erection made by deliberation of the Testicles; would not have been dejected unto death with this."

Pretty awesome. Feeling much less upset, still strangely alert, up very late, on watch for something, woke some time ago tense & clear-headed. The sky last night was quite striking, very clear air, with fast moving, roughly diamond shaped clouds.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Feeling a lot better, sorry if I scared you, was scaring myself, wheeeeeee.

Freakishly warm weather today, saw really interesting truncated rainbow between ground and a giant sepia raincloud earlier, nearly got in an accident. A lot of people out celebrating the death of the world.

Got most of my weekend work out of the way earlier, had something to do that was making me mildly nervous, glad to have gotten it over with.
So here I am again, waiting in the wings, strong & capable, extremely sad.

Hoping there's some sort of artistic purpose for this, a sign & a warning. Beware! Beware! Kids- if you've got a severe anxiety disorder, don't try to lead a life of submission and commitment at home. Ridiculous.

Funny little man, dancing on a stick.
Woken up at 5 by work, finally managed to get back to sleep after much fear in the dark. Feel as though hit by truck. Had an interesting fall. It's winter now.

Doesn't seem like it, kind of warm, rainy. Nonetheless, everything has died.

Making some coffee.

Friday, January 05, 2007

More problems with mail at work, all sorted now, I'm so tired, wish I could sleep.

Feeling pretty freaked out, close my eyes to a wall of noise, can't get comfortable, sleep is difficult. Should probably cut down on the coffee and cigarettes, sadly they're the only thing that makes me feel remotely OK. Drinking some ginger ale.

Read for a while earlier, it was nice while I could pay attention to it, too tired now.

OK, maybe try to sleep.
Just went & did a little work despite not being required to, need to fill the day with something. Trying to get myself sufficiently together to work on some art, going to take a while. Really wishing I was better at sleeping a lot.

Trying to look on the bright side, not throwing up anymore is definitely a plus.
Ahead of me, there's nothing. I have a little jewel, and I'm going to try to build bridges out across the nothing by its light, maybe adding some decorations along the way. I think the decorations will be better than the ones I used to make without any light at all. It's harder now though, because I can see how far the nothing goes.
Figured some things out on walk with the dog, his input was very helpful, as always. Have a lot of work to do on myself, need to become less predictable, I'm making myself so bored I can't stand it. Trying to come up with some little projects.

Allowing myself to become enmeshed in drama is always a mistake, I know far too much about its technical aspects, it just pisses other people off. Anyway, trying to detach myself & reform in the dizzying crystalline perfection you've come to expect.

I love you all, I really do, sorry it's not much use.
Couldn't really sleep much last night, spent most of it listening to Love, feeling too cold or too hot and being dehydrated. Would've liked to just stay in bed, too hot & dehydrated, up now, trying to face the day.

Feel like I'm living through a bad dime store weepie. Pretty unbearable. Maybe I should listen to 'Pet Sounds'.

Speaking of that, Peretz is wimpering pretty urgently, I'd better take him out.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Just back from walk with P, he ate his dinner, now he's going nuts in the basement. Watching bad movie on TV. P is back, wants attentions.

Thinking about fate & character, stock characters, genres, on & on.

Still feeling pretty sick, went & got some ginger ale anyway.
Working on rebuilding shell, it's a harsh world out there, anyway, we may be slow but we eventually get it. Order chelonia (tongue protrudes, withdraws, slowly). Resolve to stay out of traffic in future.

Feeling really sick, wish I could sleep more.

RLETAAS means real life exceeds turtles' abilities and sapience.
Home sick, been checking into work, catching up on website maintenance, feeling like shit, trying to figure out how to proceed with life, Peretz has been tending to me, fetching me glasses of water, reading me excerpts from his novel, good dog.

Spent a good deal of last night in a mildly delusional state, still feeling a bit out of joint, observing with sick fascination the way the same things happen to me again & again, stupid, I'm so fucking stupid.
Don't know if it's stress-induced or a virus or what but woke up around 4 am with something very wrong with my stomach. Feeling a bit limp. Lying on couch with Peretz & laptop, just checked work mail, may go back to sleep, may just lie here feeling limp.

Today is projected to be very Springlike, hope it doesn't kill too many plants.

Been tested & found wanting, what else is new?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The last thirty minutes or so seemed to last days, was trying to fall asleep, didn't work out, might try some more, alone in the dark isn't working out all that well for me, unfortunately. Number of things wrong with me seems to be increasing at a surprising rate, crap.

Heard from T in Israel, sounds like she's having an interesting time, glad somebody is.

Brain is tying itself in twisty knots, feeling really confused about stuff, hand really hurts.
Hand really hurts, typing sucks.

Been a little different lately, getting back to my old self, I think, sour old man, sad old man. Feels fine.

I give up.
Feeling pretty awful.

Trying to be philosophical about it, it's tough. Trying to feel less real, progress is slow, oh well.

Falling apart a bit, going to go try to do more work.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Feeling like an empty soda can that's been stepped on, straightened out & stepped on again, over & over, plenty of metal fatigue along the creases, would be easy to rip in half, expect that to happen any time now, maybe I'll be recycled into a military aircraft, wouldn't that be exciting?

Nothing good on TV, no energy for anything else, squeezed out tube of toothpaste, crumpled ball of note paper, squished bunny by the side of the road.
Ball of fear, little animal, big world, lots of paths, scary noises down every one, stay under this bush for a bit. Something moving.

Seriously, feeling pretty freaked out.

Had dinner plans, they kind of evaporated, I should probably eat something, stomach hurts.
A little blinking point, a cursor, that's me. On, off, etc. Hovering, waiting for input.

Developed a painfully dry upper lip from all the driving back & forth, hurts like the dickens, reduced to using moisturizer.

Caused all sorts of minor damage to my right hand earlier replacing dead headlight, locking mechanism was stuck & required extensive forcing, tip of right index finger feels like it had a door slammed on it, several minor cuts & abrasions.

Back to staring into space, I guess.
Got lots of sleep, having difficulty reentering real world, Peretz wants out, I want more coffee. Really wanting some proper winter weather, feeling out of sorts, like I'm still in Tennessee.

Wondering what's in store at work, hopefully nothing too trying, feeling a bit limp.

Wow, am I ever boring lately.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Coming off vacation, beginnings of a sore throat, feeling glum, want to be asleep. OK, going to sleep, I think.
Very cold & wet, little bits of ice here & there, walking P a bit treacherous & perilous. Feeling weird, weird mix of things, trying to figure it out, challenging. Feeling shaken up, worried, happy, tired, hyperalert. Not sure I'm going to figure it out, going to press on anyway. P is very wet, curled up on blanket.

OK, off to do some work.
Happy new year, it's pouring out.

Brief spell of freezing rain last night which conveniently occurred while I was driving. This winter sucks.

Feeling really tired, out of sorts, work to be done, making coffee.